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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only want to look after my own children on strike day?

204 replies

emkana · 26/11/2011 11:12

I'm a sahm. I know one of my wohm friends was hoping I would offer to have her two on strike day - they are already coming round for"after school" that day but I just can't face having them for the whole day. I know with just my three it will be a fun relaxing day but with five, four of them girls who don't want to include ds who is the youngest it would be no fun at all. Is that horrible of me?

OP posts:
Awayinamangercooper · 27/11/2011 00:38

Yes it's going to be difficult enough for employers to keep services running, without having a load of staff off on holiday. They also want to take away the easy option of taking holiday, so you're either on strike or you're at work.

Awayinamangercooper · 27/11/2011 00:40

Good suggestion Greythorne by the way.

Xenia · 27/11/2011 07:52

Check the school will be closed. Governors have been given advice by the Government about things they can do such as bring in outsiders who are CRB checked to run clubs etc.

seeker · 27/11/2011 07:56

Find a friend for your ds too.

I actually feel quite strongly about this. I think sahms should do all they can to support wohms.

2BoysTooLoud · 27/11/2011 08:00

That would mean 6 children in the op's house though seeker!
My house simply too small and cluttered for the resulting chaos of that....

fastweb · 27/11/2011 08:14

I think sahms should do all they can to support wohms

I am currently a WAHM (who has to work this morning and should be cleaning the kitchen so students aren't shocked rigid by my slatternly ways, not MNing), but I've been a SAHM and a WOHM.

I think rather than helping it probably makes things worse if we start randomly chucking obligations at one section of mums in the name of another section of mums.

Realistically I think the rule is/should be help out your mates if you can, when they ask, but don't feel obliged to do stuff you are seriously not keen on, causes you problems or puts you out further than you are happy to be if it is far from an emergency and they have other options anyway.

And in the case of strikes it might be worth using the school noticboard well in advance sorting out a buddy system, cos people who want extra kids (like me) might not be mates with the people who need somebody to step into the breech.

I am going to annoy the school with that idea on Monday. Cos I think it is brilliant

Original poster
emkana · 27/11/2011 08:22

Ds has special needs and it's unfortunately not as simple as just having a friend round fir him, it wouldn't work.

Seeker, interesting you say that about sahms and wohms. Why do you think so?

OP posts:
Dozer · 27/11/2011 08:23

Totally agree fastweb, we should help out our mates when possible whether we work outside the home or not.

The buddy system sounds like a good idea.

Still think OP's friend is taking the piss though!

natation · 27/11/2011 08:25

I'd do it, for a friend, a neighbour, or just an acquaintance. I'm a pretty crap Christian when it comes to going to church or praying, ie I don't very often, but I will help anyone out who asks and offer too, if I know it can help them a little with their life. Maybe it's easier for me with 4 children, if I have 8 in the house, it's not much different. I'm off on Monday on a teacher training day and I wouldn't be surprised if I have an entourage of our children's friends tagging on to our trip to our visit to the Christmas market.

Well next time OP needs a little help, I guess it's better not to ask this friend you are going to say no to.

whatstheetiquette · 27/11/2011 08:27

I am a SAHM and once upon a time, I would have done this without a doubt. However, I have been taken advantage of too many times (due to the fact that I am a SAHM) and now I definitely wouldn't do it.

Original poster
emkana · 27/11/2011 08:27

I've had her before during school holidays, she always covers school holidays with a mixture of them going to their dad, paid childcare and friends to kerp costs down.

Greythorne, good idea, even though I couldnt do it as ds is too hard work.

OP posts:
ChippyMinton · 27/11/2011 08:28

It's worth checking whether the whole school will be closed. Ours is only closing 3 classes, so DD gets the day off and her brothers have to go to school.

I agree with those asking why the dads don't seem to enter into the equation. There seems to be a general assumption that mums should/will pick up the slack on strike days, snow days, sick days etc.

Original poster
emkana · 27/11/2011 08:29

It's not like I'm not helping her at all, I will look after her children from 3!

OP posts:
ChippyMinton · 27/11/2011 08:31

emkana, you must do what suits you. Don't feel guilted into having a horrible day. After all, she obviously does have other options.

scaevola · 27/11/2011 08:33

I would do it, regardless of squabble level.

Why?

Because I used to WOH, because I might again in future, because I might fall ill whilst DH is on a business trip, because for whatever reason one day I might need help.

And aside from that, because helping is what builds the kind of community I wan to live in.

But I know that not everyone thinks like this.

fastweb · 27/11/2011 08:42

Still think OP's friend is taking the piss though!

I don't.

She punted the idea, in a way that was not a direct request to aviod putting the OP on the spot and allowed her the get out of being seemingly oblivious to the subtext.

She hasn't nagged. There is no indication she is offened, feeling put out or cross that an offer wasn't forthcoming.

If she can't find an alternative it seems she can take a day off. I don't blame her for trying to hoard them. I remember my clenched tummy when small version of DS got a bad tummy cos each bout of illness went through my holiday like a dose of salts and I lived in terrror of it running out.

(And I did have DH who worked at home who took care of him. I just felt wretched at the idea of leaving a very poorly kid. I trusted DH, but I didn't want to leave him)

I swear my child was one week sick one week well when I went back to work. S'like he became a magnet for lurgies the second I had outside obligations.

fastweb · 27/11/2011 08:45

It's not like I'm not helping her at all, I will look after her children from 3!

Love by all accounts you do quite a lot to help your firend, I really don't think you need to beat yourself up cos you'd rather have the kids from 3 onwards rather than all day.

whatstheetiquette · 27/11/2011 08:46

scaevola - I used to think like that. It would work if everyone behaved as though they were part of a community. It doesn't work that way though. Some people start to take the p and spoilt it for everyone.

seeker · 27/11/2011 08:50

"I am a SAHM and once upon a time, I would have done this without a doubt. However, I have been taken advantage of too many times (due to the fact that I am a SAHM) and now I definitely wouldn't do it."

What's the difference between being asked for help and being taken advantage of?

scaevola · 27/11/2011 08:50

I do what I can.

I don't count the "cost".

You get the communities you build.

fastweb · 27/11/2011 09:27

I do what I can.

I don't count the "cost".

You get the communities you build.

---

It's very admirable, but I'd go bonkers if I had to live to such high standards of always doing "the right thing" and never facotring in my own feelings or the shades of grey.

Probably best if I stick to the "flawed person's plan" and do what I can, when asked, but not if it leaves me hacked off and prickly cos in the longer term that will lead to me doing less and activly avioding people.

To be honest I wouldn't want to build a community where everybody was always selfless.

I'd stick out like a sore thumb and be resident Black Sheep... Signora BeyondThePale.

AWimbaWay · 27/11/2011 09:30

I think sahms should do all they can to support wohms

Perhaps the wohms can give me some of their wages I gave up to become a sahm to support me in return seeker?

If I wanted to be a childminder I'd want paying for it. Those saying they'll miss out on a days wages if they have to take the day off to look after their own children, I miss out on a days wages every day so I can look after mine.

Familydilemma · 27/11/2011 09:41

Seeker-we should all do what we can to help anyone. This includes understanding that not everyone is equipped to look after several extra children for a whole day whenever their friend needs them to. As this thread has shown, the idea of two extras means different things to different people. For some it lightens the load, for others it's a chore but a cost willingly borne for a friend in a fix. If you're at capacity anyway it could tip you over. So less of the "should" in all this. Sahm gain time, which they either need or have the luxury of. Wohm gain money which they either need or have the luxury of. Often friends on either side of the fence help out but it would be a bit weird if wohm were responsible for the financial responsibilities of sahm. Like "my boiler's bust, you work so please can you help fix it?"

fedupofnamechanging · 27/11/2011 09:43

seeker, I'll bite Wink. When someone becomes a sahp it is at personal cost to their career and finances. The up side is not having to deal with child care issues. That benefit is lost if they then take on other people's child care issues. I don't consider that I owe wohp anything, because they are not paying me a salary or sharing the benefits that they personally accrue from working.

Ripeberry · 27/11/2011 09:46

But it's only for 6hrs or so? Just go out to a softplay for the day(big one) and the parent can pay for the children and provide packed lunches.
You should not have to lose money.

Then make sure you get a favour back.