but unless the whole structure of our society could be rearranged before Wednesday.......
There is always going to be a time crunch on any single need for help. If the pressing need is always fulfilled by outside parties the motivation to do the difficult task of tackling a lack of help where it should be forthcoming will never be generated.
My NDN had her brother die of a nasty disease last NYD, four months ago her father was diagnosed with the same and is very ill.
I have cancelled lessons short notice and rearranged lessons where notice was possible to take care of her teeny tinies. All while her husband works at the end of our road. I know his employer socially, there is no lack of compassion, there is no question that time off when needed would be forthcoming for the odd half day here and there when needed. Other employees with a similar need for understsnding in crisis have been accomadated without issue. But he will not take time off work to watch their kids. Not even a couple of hours so I can teach my students first and then take their kids til she gets back.
It's not her fault that he thinks ....
SAHM = you sort out kids
WOHF = I don't take responsibility for kids
...even when she needs to dash to the hospital or do her part in taking her dad to appointments.
My students are very flexible becuase I offer the same by the bucketload, and I love having her kids. With the best will in the world I just couldn't say no, her pain is palpable and this, and an ear/shoulder is the only relief I can offer
But I do wonder if perhaps I am part of the problem rather than the solution if you look at the bigger picture rather than the instant when I am asked to take the kids.
Because until they have to thrash out his lack of stepping up to the plate in an indisputable crisis, the plethora of issues stemming from his fundamental attitude will never get resolved. And I think those issues will ultimatly either destroy their marriage, or all her self esteem.
So I don't think it as black and white as saying help out where time does not allow for change becuase I am not sure if I am doing more harm than good by never refusing to step into a breech her DH has never waded into.
I think it is probably a lot more complicated and shades of grey than a simple "help other women" would suppose.
Maybe if I helped less the pressure would bring things to head next door, and in the longer term that might be far better for her one way or the other.
But I am too much of a coward to take that risk and say no, cos this is medical crisis and I'd hate to be the reason why my friend didn't get to be with her father at the end or something similarly horrible.
But were it a case of a pre planned strike and a bloke getting away with murder becuase I am the path of least resistance......I'd be more inclined to take myself out of the equation and let the situation force the issue between the protagonists.
Society isn't going to change without the individual babysteps of women refusing to pass male responsibilities onto other women, on the basis that other women are more likely to say yes and it is less hard and scary to ask them cos no issues will be forced in the parental dynamic.
As my husband keep pointing out to me when I cancel income again, so a bloke doesn't have to take PAID time off work.
I think the whole SAH V WOH thing is a red herring in this. The real question is why is the onus STILL on our gender to resolve child care issues almost exclusively and to what extent do we collude with this by avoiding grasping the mettle on the basis that society can't change by next week so....same old same old for today, tommorow and ever more.