to not have a casual Friday night meetup cost £100

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

Every. Single. Time I meet this friend, it costs £100, thanks to having to have dinner in a nice restaurant, and meeting up for a predinner drink (last night it was 2 hours before dinner). We went hiking for a weekend once. You'd think hiking is a cheap activity. The whole weekend cost me £250. £60 on accommodation, £20 on a train ticket and the rest on food/drink.

Apart from the fact that a simple meetup blows my budget out of the water (which means that I have to cut back on other areas of my life and frankly, a night with her isn't worth that much to me), even if I could afford to spend £100 once a week on dinner, I'd be just as happy with a pint of beer and a burger on a Friday night, or a roll and a packet of ham bought from a supermarket on the weekend. I actually like the simple things in life.

How do I tell her that a night out in her company just isn't worth £100 to me? I don't even really enjoy her company that much to be honest. I know the simple answer is just not to go out with her but how do I tell her? I've tried to pull back before, but she texts and texts and if I don't respond within two hours she asks me if I'm ok etc, because I haven't jumped. She doesn't let go.

I'm just so pissed off.

Phew that feels better for having said all that.

Not a very good night for you last night then? Have you tried to do the inviting to your pub of choice for a burger and beer? Your right the simple things are much, much better but perhaps she thinks you like the flashier nights out

She didn't force you to spend the money, did she? Just explain to her that you can't afford the same sort of places that she can.

"How do I tell her that a night out in her company just isn't worth £100 to me?"

You say:

"Things are tight financially at the moment. Next time we meet, how about you come over to mine with a bottle of wine and I'll cook us a pasta bake?"

You don't like her. It's not the money, it's the company.

Yeah you're right Mrs Terry Pratchett. I don't really like her that much. She's draining. If I had a great night and really enjoyed myself, I wouldn't be so bothered although I still think it's a lot of money.

I know it's my responsibility and I spent the money, but I find it irritating that this seems to be her priorities.

Just dont bother spending time with her. If you want to pull back gradually just reduce your availability, and ignore her texts a bit more.

Agree with cats. Just keep saying no and be unavailable

I think I'm going to have to wean her off me a bit more firmly than I've done in the past. She's glue (she's even come home with me in the past, I had to feign sleep to get away from her - last night she threatened to come home with me again at the end of the night, to continue having company).

I just don't like the whole scene, the "oooh I bought some fabulous Louboutins" thing. It just feels superficial to me.

God I sound horrible! And I'm painting her as very needy and awful. Maybe she is, although she would hate to be thought of like that. I'm just cross - with me for spending loads of money and also getting pissed (I do this when I'm with her I've realised, I think I feel a need to which also irritates me) because I didn't intend to do either and it's messed up my weekend; but also with her for it happening like this because it seems to be the only thing she does when we meet up.

I hate the dripfeeding ending, it feels immature to me.

WHy not say that you don't have the money to do the sort of thing she enjoys and she's welcome to your local or to your house. If she doesn't like it, you've been honest and stuck to your lifestyle and she can decide whether she likes it or not. (Most probably not, if she does like flash stuff). You will both see that you're not compatible and the friendship will run it's course..

or not... and then you'll just have to say 'I don't enjoy your company, fuck off' or not answer the phone to her like the others suggested

Oh sorry. I think I'm just using this to get it off my chest so I'm mulling it over.

and say Louboutins aren't your thing. No shame in that. Personally, i used to love them but am not keen of loads of designer handbags. There's no shame in pointing out that you don't have the same tastes. Me and my mates do that all the time!

I meant the drip feeding ending to your friend (i.e. not returning texts etc).

Hmm think you might have a self asserting issue!

It's not about the Louboutins, it's about the attitude to spending money that doesn't sit with me - as if life is about spending money. Maybe it's the conspicuous consumption that I don't like. I personally don't care what shoes anyone wears.

YANBU.

It is about resenting something you feel you have no control over but you do.

Ideally would you like to drop her completely or just cut down on the amout of time you spend with her? Think about that and then you will know what to do.

Ah!

Yes it's weird, I don't normally have a self-asserting issue. I'm pretty bolshy in real life. Just with her, there's some sort of twisted dynamic going on which I can't get my head around.

I would actually like to stop being friends with her but I just can't bring myself to tell her that, and pulling away is really hard with her. I could see her one evening a month, and that would be perfect.

So she decides on a night out, the predrinks, where to eat and even if she comes back to yours and you just go along with all of it?

Firework, yep, that's exactly what happened last night, except she went back to her own place.

Very odd behaviour from me. Why I wonder? I don't act like this in any other area of my life at all - in fact, quite the opposite. I generally don't take rubbish and am vocal about my opinions.

So why am I like this with her I wonder?

I disagreed with her once and she got very stroppy. Even if I have a different opinion on something (like if I said I didn't like Louboutins, or even if I preferred Manolo Blahniks or something) then she'd take it as a personal attack somehow, like I was insulting her. So if I said I wanted to go to a cheaper place I expect she would go along with it in a kind of patronising way, or else pay for me. I feel guilty about this - she took me to the Wolsely for dinner for my birthday, which was lovely but made me uncomfortable.

Actually maybe its a power thing.

And you're doing this more than once a month ? Blimey.

I agree with others that you should tell her you can't afford such pricey nights out and suggest a cheaper venue.

(The combination of your comment about going hiking and her buying Louboutins has given me a mental image of her tottering around the moors in a pair of totally unsuitable shoes, a la Patsy from Ab Fab )

Actually maybe that's it! She does always need to be right/in control/doing all the talking (she talked without me getting a word in for 3 hours once, I timed it)

Yes she's hard work and none of my other friends like her tbh. I was going to pull away but then she was so generous at my birthday last month that I felt I couldn't.

Fru

So she's 'buying' your company? Or, if not 'buying' your company all the time, she does it enough to guilt-trip you into not distancing yourself from the friendship?

Yes I think that's it, actually. Well, part of it.

There is definitely a control issue going on. She invited me to her family for Christmas (very nice of her) but she spoke about it as though it was a done deal even before I'd responded. I backed out of that one or there'd have been a death But this is the dynamic that is going on, along with a lot of "ooh we must go shopping and be all fabulous", a bit AbFabesque (we went shopping in Westfields once and had lunch afterwards - £80 gone).

I just don't feel free to be me when I'm with her.

If you want to se her for one evening a month, then contact her, suggest something (that you want to do) for around a months time (probably not exactly a month, given the date ), if she tries to arrange anything before then, just explain tht you dont have any availability before then.

There isn't enough time to do all you want in life. Don't spend time doing things you don't want.

cats I think that's the practical solution. We have Christmas dinner booked for the 17th Dec (and lunch at the bloody Ledbury booked for mid January) so I won't see her other than then.

Now I'm starting to realise where all my money goes

But I also need to work out the control issue thing.

Does she have any other friends?

What's the origin of your friendship with her? I.e. childhood/school/university/work/whatever.

It's hard to see why she has such a hold over you (I don't mean that in a sinister way, just that you're obviously struggling with distancing yourself).