to not have a casual Friday night meetup cost £100

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

Every. Single. Time I meet this friend, it costs £100, thanks to having to have dinner in a nice restaurant, and meeting up for a predinner drink (last night it was 2 hours before dinner). We went hiking for a weekend once. You'd think hiking is a cheap activity. The whole weekend cost me £250. £60 on accommodation, £20 on a train ticket and the rest on food/drink.

Apart from the fact that a simple meetup blows my budget out of the water (which means that I have to cut back on other areas of my life and frankly, a night with her isn't worth that much to me), even if I could afford to spend £100 once a week on dinner, I'd be just as happy with a pint of beer and a burger on a Friday night, or a roll and a packet of ham bought from a supermarket on the weekend. I actually like the simple things in life.

How do I tell her that a night out in her company just isn't worth £100 to me? I don't even really enjoy her company that much to be honest. I know the simple answer is just not to go out with her but how do I tell her? I've tried to pull back before, but she texts and texts and if I don't respond within two hours she asks me if I'm ok etc, because I haven't jumped. She doesn't let go.

I'm just so pissed off.

Phew that feels better for having said all that.

Single, that is.

It sounds like you're part of her fantasy life where she lives a glamorous girls in London thing. But actually she's quite lonely and bored and sad.

Christine that is exactly it. She feels quite lonely, she has no family here and not many (any?) close friends. I think this is why she clings so tightly to me. And also why she tries to fill her life with this glamorous side. And probably why she rears up when I try to be more realistic about things.

x posting again, sorry.

Insomnia that really sounds like a good plan. She won't like to relinquish control but you're so right that I don't have to go along with it.

pigletmania I had images of you living in the country surrounded by piglets

I used to be in exactly this situation (can you tell? :o) and I eased away from it rather than an outright dump after Xmas on the 'absolutely broke, need to pay off credit cards' pretext. No one can argue with that.

What I suggested we did instead was go to the cinema. We went for a drink first, then to see a film, then home (I met her on school nights so good excuse not for a late evening).

I don't know whether that sort of thing would work - I actually felt sorry for the woman that did this with me and didn't want to be too mean to her but I'm a bit of a softy

I am sure you are a lovely person but does she use you to make herself feel good as in making you the poor relation?

No beaten , I live in sunny Milton Keynes, surrounded by Winne the Pooh characters

OP, yes, you do need to grow a pair! At the very least stop doing such expensive things. If you are confident and assertive in other areas of life you can apply that to this situation. Just do it!

I could not continue a friendship with someone like this; she sounds needy, controlling and manipulative. If you do want to continue the friendship then you really need to stand up to her and show her that she cannot control you. She will respect you more in the long run. Just use the broken record technique with her "No, I can't go shopping this weekend as I'm going out, I'll phone you in the next couple of weeks to arrange to meet up". Make her take no for an answer and don't get into a discussion with her or she will try to manipulate the arrangements to suit her and what she wants.

I have a friend a little like this, well she is my daughter's best friend's mum so obviously I don't want to fall out with her, but it took me years of standing up to her and telling her no for her to back down a bit and stop trying to order me around. It did work though and she respects me more now. She would ask me to go somewhere or do something, for example one day she asked if I'd take her daughter home from school and have her overnight on the Friday before taking her to her father's house (they are split) on the Saturday morning. I said no, as we were going out ourselves on the Friday night and she started looking for ways to get her own way "well look, if you ask your neighbour if she could perhaps babysit for my DD whilst you take your kids to X, then you could pick her up from your neighbour at 11 and still have her overnight". That kind of thing. The key is to just say no. I used to regularly say "No I'm not doing that" or "No I can't do that". You don't have to apologise or explain. The other thing this friend always used to try to get me to do was get drunk with her. I don't drink a lot of alcohol and she'd try to get me to drink more all the time and I'd have to be quite firm with her as she would go on and on and on.

I have backed off from two friendships a bit like this, I keep in touch in a vague way but almost always say no. It's fine!

originalFAB has a point too; it does sound as though this woman is using you to make herself feel superior with you as the poor friend.

op, you poor thing, your pal is a PITA and you're getting a roasting here

some folk are just good at draining the life out of you, I think we've all met them

unfortunately they dont take the brush off easily, as you are finding

I think, like others, you'll have to take more of a stand, dont let her decide whats happening all the time, she'll soon get sick of you if she can't boss you around any longer

good luck

I think you need to be clearer with her and tell her you can only afford to do X because you're a bit short this month.

Also this part stood out for me
I've tried to pull back before, but she texts and texts and if I don't respond within two hours she asks me if I'm ok etc, because I haven't jumped.

If you're trying to pull back then don't ignore her texts, that's just rude. Instead text her back straight away and say "sorry I can't make it this week", if you leave her hanging then of course she's going to chase you.

I don't think you should blame the recession - she will just wait for the recession to come to an end! I think you need to say that you realise that spending money like this doesn't give you much pleasure and you are re-thinking your life.

More than anything you need to consider why you are so scared of upsetting her. She is being unreasonable (if you are telling her your budget for hiking is £100 and she is ignoring it) so just be strong and if she doesn't like it - tough.

I had a friend who I felt was asking too much of me when I had just had a baby (wanted me to drive over with my hoover in the car when I was completely overstretched one dayh). I was so worried about saying no, but I did in the end. Yes, it did piss her off and it did bring our friendship to a close - but then I realised she had been using me and I was actually really pleased it came to an end.

Also, if she asks too many questions (like, 'why can't you come, where are you going instead?' - just say that it is complicated or that you don't want to bore her with the details).

Op I had a friend like this she was a total 'consumer' and plans just had to include tickets, dinner and hotels, all the time! It was as though she didn't exist if she didn't spend. I saw it eventually as her desperate need to fill a void, and I too realised I only had a passable evening if I got drunk with her. The thing is, if you only ever have an ok time drinking with friends like this, you are probably drinking out of boredom in thier company.

I kept my distance from my friend. She has no money, debt out her ears and bleeds her father dry. If I felt a true kinship I would have stuck around to try to help but I don't think there was enough real 'friendship' there for me to stick by, and it sounds like you feel the same.

I tried telling my friend I would do things that cost less as was skint or whatever, but she actually just would not hear it. She bulldozed on ahead and I think your friend may do the same. Sometimes you just have to withdraw.

I think you need to be more honest too, but about your preferences, rather that saying something like "a night out in your company isn't worth £100 to me" which is a pretty nasty thing to say. You need to say something like "I'm sorry I have given you this impression, but I don't actually enjoy expensive restaurants and shopping- i prefer burgers and DVD nights, and I'm also not comfortable going out this often- how about once a month".

She is not actually coming across to me as unpleasant- she loves nights out at great restaurants, this is what she loves and she is entitled to spend her money on it. You haven't made it clear that you don't like this, and haven't suggested anything else, so she thinks you are enjoying yourself. You said for the hiking weekend that you were short of cash, so even though it was her birthday, she wound up treating you. Sounds like she was being kind "i know beaten loves this stuff and we need a bit of luxe to balance out the hiking, so as she's a bit skint, i'll be a pal and pay"

She may just think you don't have any ideas as to how to spend your nights out, which is why she always has to make the suggestions.

Do try to let her down easily- right now she thinks she has a friend close enough to invite for Christmas who has fun sharing favourite pursuits together and discovering great new restaurants, when in fact she is in for a nasty shock.

Wow lots of responses, thanks everyone.

Perfumedlife you have described her exactly. Plans always have to include expensive dinners, bottles of wine, and hotels if at all possible. She doesn't exist if she doesn't spend - that's how it feels. I think she will bulldoze ahead, because, as you said, the spending is a desperate need to fill a void. She's being driven by bigger things, she can't just stop until she sorts through her issues. And I do get shitfaced drunk with her because I am bored.

I think I've gotten to this point because it's evolved this way, and I've not yet addressed it explicitly. But it definitely needs to be addressed now.

Ah. So the consensus is withdraw, no need to explain, just be unavailable.

Excellent points lisianthus. I agree the friend doesn't need to be dumped, but beaten needs be more explicit about her preferences.

lisianthus you make a good point about expressing my likes a bit more clearly. Maybe she thinks I like doing all those things, because I've given her the impression that I do.

(I wouldn't dream of saying to her "a night out in your company isn't worth £100 to me" because you're right, that is nasty.)

However, I do think she is driven to conspicuous consumption by a void in her life; it's bigger than she just enjoys nice meals and spending her money how she likes (of course she can do that - it's about the way I feel compelled to do the same when with her that's the problem)

Actually if I think about it I don't think it's a nice thing to do to pay for dinner when I've said I couldn't afford it. I would much prefer a friend to say ok, lets go somewhere else then. It kind of dismisses my opinion/situation in favour of what she wants.

x post

OK well I've sent her a text saying I can't afford expensive dinners as I'm paying off credit card, and can we change to cheaper venue for Christmas and skip the Ledbury.

Lets see how this goes.

Disclaimer: we rarely speak on the phone and text is our usual mode of communication.

Well done, beaten.

I've just been thinking, harking back to how you met when she became your flatmate when you were in a not very good place at the time, did some of your early times together consist of meals out at nice restaurants and shopping expeditions to cheer you up?

Even though the conspicuous consumption is a major part of her life she probably doesn't get that it's not a part of yours now, as lisianthus said up-thread.

Let us know how she responds to your text.

Nightmare for you! You say she's lonely. Was in a similar situation with a draining friend. She was broke and I wasn't rolling in it, so money wasn't an issue. But she did demand my time until another friend pointed out the obvious- that she wasn't my responsibility. I didn't need to take on the sole responsibility of easing her loneliness.

It's a lot of money to spend on someone you don't enjoy being with.

Well done for sending the text, beaten. Remember if she comes back with a response trying to persuade you to change your mind, be firm and repeat what you have said to her in the original text

She's been great - saying of course we can go somewhere cheaper. I said I'd look into it and book somewhere.

I will be more assertive about my own likes etc and see how that goes. I still think there is an underlying issue of control with her but if I can manage it then that's good, don't have to cut her out . It may work, it may not.

When we met I think we went out to a reasonable place (ie £30 for the evening) quite regularly but I don't remember these big spends.