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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not have a casual Friday night meetup cost £100

122 replies

beatenbyayellowteacup · 26/11/2011 05:28

Every. Single. Time I meet this friend, it costs £100, thanks to having to have dinner in a nice restaurant, and meeting up for a predinner drink (last night it was 2 hours before dinner). We went hiking for a weekend once. You'd think hiking is a cheap activity. The whole weekend cost me £250. £60 on accommodation, £20 on a train ticket and the rest on food/drink.

Apart from the fact that a simple meetup blows my budget out of the water (which means that I have to cut back on other areas of my life and frankly, a night with her isn't worth that much to me), even if I could afford to spend £100 once a week on dinner, I'd be just as happy with a pint of beer and a burger on a Friday night, or a roll and a packet of ham bought from a supermarket on the weekend. I actually like the simple things in life.

How do I tell her that a night out in her company just isn't worth £100 to me? I don't even really enjoy her company that much to be honest. I know the simple answer is just not to go out with her but how do I tell her? I've tried to pull back before, but she texts and texts and if I don't respond within two hours she asks me if I'm ok etc, because I haven't jumped. She doesn't let go.

I'm just so pissed off.

Phew that feels better for having said all that.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 26/11/2011 10:30

If you're both single, why don't you do something else, rather than go for a meal etc? What about going to places where you both might meet other people, so she's got the chance of making other friends? She sounds as though she's pretty lonely and doesn't have many friends - why not change the venue to situations where other people will be around?

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 26/11/2011 10:30

You're doing the right thing in being more assertive. She will be put out at first that you are daring to challenge what she wants to do and that you are wanting to make the decision rather than her making it, but she will start to respect you more and it will change the dynamics of your friendship.

Original poster
beatenbyayellowteacup · 26/11/2011 10:37

Imperial I'd love that, what a good idea - it feels a bit weird to always just go for a meal. We live in London too so actually that should be easily manageable.

Any suggestions? Where do people go to meet people with shared interests?!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 26/11/2011 10:45

Well, you could do Bikram Yoga here for £15 for a drop in session. My daughter did this in Manchester and absolutely loved it. It's very intense and makes a massive difference to the way you look. Also, given she likes to be fabulous, it attracts a lot of well known people and she can spend a lot on new outfits (which will get dripping wet, btw.)

Or you could learn to cook or learn a language. A language would be good as she'd have to talk to others. Or if you like walking there's this.

I'm so jealous of you living in London - I used to live there and wish I'd taken advantage of the many activities on offer.

Original poster
beatenbyayellowteacup · 26/11/2011 10:49

I do Bikram yoga! Absolutely love it (I live 10 mins walk from a studio, spoilt!) She likes it too but has given it up.

She did learn French, but had private lessons.

I like the cooking class idea. And the rambling website looks just perfect! I think I'm going to try and find some fun day activity to do for Christmas and then have a pub meal afterwards.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 26/11/2011 10:49

Sorry but just tell you you cannot afford it simple.

ImperialBlether · 26/11/2011 10:52

What I would do is get her to do something (with other people) that you could go along with. The goal is to make her new friends. Then, when she's got a couple of friends, you can make your excuses and stop.

Original poster
beatenbyayellowteacup · 26/11/2011 10:53

Ah Imperial you're a thinker Grin

OP posts:
ronx · 26/11/2011 11:09

OP: I feel your pain. You may need to sever ties with this woman as you don't seem to have much in common.

I knew a woman like this. She was a nice person and fantastic at her job (she was my DC's childminder) but we had nothing in common beyond chit chat and talking about the children as hers was the same age.
Once I moved from the area I thought that would be the end of that. No.
She was constantly pushing to meet up. Polite refusals from me made no difference. She called once to discuss a bill and then told me how she had missed me and how great it was to hear my voice. Or she would say she wanted to deliver presents for my children.

It was like she had decided we were best mates which freaked me out because it was as if I had no say in the matter and I felt smothered.

In the end I emailed her to say that while I would be happy to provide a reference, life was to hectic to arrange any meet-ups.

She has now sent a friend request to me on facebook, which was swiftly turned down.

Calabria · 26/11/2011 11:33

Much sympathy!

I recently ended a friendship that sounds very similar. She always wanted things her way and could never seem to understand that others might not want that. Having run out of other excuses, I started using skintness as the reason that I didn't want to go out and she kept offering to pay for me. It became horribly embarrassing :(

In the end I had to be fairly brutal to get her to listen to me (on the phone, too chicken to do it face to face) and now I am floating on air that I don't have it hanging over me. There are some feelings of guilt but only because I didn't do it months ago.

What helped me was that some family members met her recently and made me see I wasn't over reacting.

Original poster
beatenbyayellowteacup · 26/11/2011 11:39

Calabria well done! It's horrible when they pay for you, really disempowering. I end up paying her back one way or another, but I end up feeling indebted and trapped for an ongoing period following the thing she pays for, until I feel like I've balanced it out. It's a bit of a false economy because I end up paying just as much, at least.

I feel like I'm on a date as well, which isn't really what I'm going for here Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
beatenbyayellowteacup · 26/11/2011 11:40

ronx I think I am her best mate Sad

OP posts:
Conundrumish · 26/11/2011 13:09

I feel a bit sorry for her now after reading Lithiansus's post. I agree you should do things that are a bit more sociable. Perhaps you could find her a man - I hate to say this, but I bet if she did find a man you wouldn't see her for dust [until they broke up, anyhow].

perfumedlife · 26/11/2011 14:14

pinkpanettone, i too thought that when my friend met someone she would have less need to always spend big and arrange ott nights out, alas no. She now goes on endless minibreaks, is planning a massive party for her 35th birthday, trying to rope everyone in to an exotic villa holiday for easter and even a camping weekend another friend suggested was hijacked by her to be a luxury lodge with catering..

Things don't make these people happy and yet they persist in trying to live out their lives as though they are in a Sex and the City movie. It's sad.

But not my problem now, thank god Grin

Original poster
beatenbyayellowteacup · 26/11/2011 14:15

I have gotten her onto internet dating. However, she makes a big deal out of a smile sent to her, agonises over it and is really quite uptight about the whole thing. It hasn't gone anywhere, yet. She wants to know that they are worth bothering with before she'd send an email and she picks holes in every single man on there!

Have realised I can take her in small doses, two hours is good Smile

OP posts:
omaoma · 26/11/2011 14:28

please never let her pay for anything for you... it's such a horrible way of keeping somebody in your debt and hence at your beck and call. just be as assertive and prompt and keep repeating, 'no, no i can't let you, i absolutely insist.' and have nothing to do with it.

2-hour activities with an obvious end-point and no way of spending extra money sound like a good idea!

there's a clear reason as to why nobody else will have anything to do with her. sounds like a nightmare.

Original poster
beatenbyayellowteacup · 26/11/2011 14:33

Sports dates would be good. A game of tennis. Trip to the cinema.

I might go on a special diet to have an excuse to eat at home Grin

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 26/11/2011 14:56

Would you like to see her if the evening cost less? ( £30 instead of ££££'s?)

TheOriginalFAB · 26/11/2011 14:59

Is her name one that starts with a C?

Original poster
beatenbyayellowteacup · 26/11/2011 15:00

valium yes, for short doses such as two hours. That's a nice catchup, and about all I can take.

OP posts:
Original poster
beatenbyayellowteacup · 26/11/2011 15:00

FAB no! Do you think you know her?!

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 26/11/2011 15:01

So you say "I'm a bit skint and pushed for time as so busy atm, but let's meet for a drink."

Short and sweet Grin

Original poster
beatenbyayellowteacup · 26/11/2011 15:05

Yes! And then go home, not pissed, and have an early night, or read a book, or watch TV or MN or whatever Grin

And..be able to afford to eat for the rest of the month. Win win!

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 26/11/2011 15:06

She reminded me of someone who used to be always buying me things. I was touched and confused tbh. I miss her though as she was a lovely girl.

omaoma · 26/11/2011 16:29
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