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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not have a casual Friday night meetup cost £100

122 replies

beatenbyayellowteacup · 26/11/2011 05:28

Every. Single. Time I meet this friend, it costs £100, thanks to having to have dinner in a nice restaurant, and meeting up for a predinner drink (last night it was 2 hours before dinner). We went hiking for a weekend once. You'd think hiking is a cheap activity. The whole weekend cost me £250. £60 on accommodation, £20 on a train ticket and the rest on food/drink.

Apart from the fact that a simple meetup blows my budget out of the water (which means that I have to cut back on other areas of my life and frankly, a night with her isn't worth that much to me), even if I could afford to spend £100 once a week on dinner, I'd be just as happy with a pint of beer and a burger on a Friday night, or a roll and a packet of ham bought from a supermarket on the weekend. I actually like the simple things in life.

How do I tell her that a night out in her company just isn't worth £100 to me? I don't even really enjoy her company that much to be honest. I know the simple answer is just not to go out with her but how do I tell her? I've tried to pull back before, but she texts and texts and if I don't respond within two hours she asks me if I'm ok etc, because I haven't jumped. She doesn't let go.

I'm just so pissed off.

Phew that feels better for having said all that.

OP posts:

3rdOneComingUp · 26/11/2011 08:06

Can you not write to her and state how you are saving up for something and, while you are fine with seeing her, you need to ration it out due to the spend? Odd that she thinks you're close enough for christmas and you're trying to end the friendship. That needs addressing too!

3rdOneComingUp · 26/11/2011 08:07

fuck it. Cancel january, say you've got a hen or something and suggest something else, somewhere else.

LoveBeingAFirework · 26/11/2011 08:16

Text and say you cancelled where you were going cause you fancy a kfc and the pictures

noddyholder · 26/11/2011 08:20

Tell her you can't afford it! Not that unusual ATM

rookiemater · 26/11/2011 08:21

Next time she says she wants to go out I'd email her and say you are on a strict budget and you can only afford £ for a night out so this would be restuarants like xyz ( although because of the price of things these days even a cheap restaurant by the time you add drinks beforehand seems to be at least £50) or she is welcome to come to yours for a takeaway. Or have a groupon deal for dinner so cost is set and low.

You obviously have something in common with her or you wouldn't have spent any time in her company so try it without the cash resentment and see if it works, if not then be unavailable for long periods of time.

InsomniaQueen · 26/11/2011 08:23

OP I think if you feel you can't be honest then just use my favourite at the moment "in the current climate I'm unable to do X because im saving up to pay off Y, have had a shocking bill from Z" it has served me well getting out of doing bloody expensive things with people that I don't desperately want to spend time with.......it feels a bit mean but at the moment I'm in a 'fake it until you make it' frame of mind.

Original poster

beatenbyayellowteacup · 26/11/2011 08:23

To be honest she has a few people she sees every now and then, but no close friends. We met because I needed a flatmate 4 years ago, and she moved in. I moved out a year ago (largely due to needing to get away from her) and we've stayed in contact. I thought a low level of contact would be ok but I'm struggling with that too.

3rdone it is very odd, isn't it, that she wants me to spend Christmas with her yet I'm trying to end it. I really need to think this one through - she's controlling, very. She's very black and white in her thinking, and she needs to be right. She can be a bit patronising too, although she has a good heart and doesn't want to hurt anybody.

When I met her I was not in a good place emotionally and I guess our 'relationship' started with me on the back foot and her having power. Which she clings to fiercely.

Actually, maybe I will cancel the dinners and suggest somewhere more reasonable like Nandos or my house

OP posts:

Original poster

beatenbyayellowteacup · 26/11/2011 08:25

rookie when we went hiking I told her my budget was £100 for the weekend. So she offered to pay for dinner, which meant I felt guilty as it was her birthday weekend we went away for, and had to repay so I ended up blowing the budget.

OP posts:

Original poster

beatenbyayellowteacup · 26/11/2011 08:26

Insomnia that's actually true though! I AM needing to pay off my credit card which actually is increasing due to these nights out

Sheesh I sound pathetic. If I were you I'd tell me to grow a pair!

OP posts:

pigletmania · 26/11/2011 08:27

Be assertive and say that no you can't afford to go to x, mabey we can go to y instead as like many your on a budget.

pigletmania · 26/11/2011 08:28

If you don't want the friendship just let it fad out. If she asks you to meet up, say your busy or don't committe to anything.

pigletmania · 26/11/2011 08:31

Blimy after reading your posts, you really do need to grow a pair. I personally have no trouble in telling friends that I cannot afford to go to such and such, they are usually in the same position as me, on a tight budget.

gettingeasier · 26/11/2011 08:33

Hmm as you say think about why you allow this to go on

Say to her what Insomnia advised , what are you afraid of ?

Proudnscary · 26/11/2011 08:35

I totally would just say let's go somewhere cheaper, or just choose the venue. There are so many reasonably priced tapas places etc.

But this is really about the friendship, as you've said above. Sometimes you do have to cut someone out your life. I've done it recently though they don't know yet!

Original poster

beatenbyayellowteacup · 26/11/2011 08:36

I think I want to make it more decisive rather than "at the moment I'm paying off...." although that's definitely a good place to start.

I want to change the dynamic entirely, which probably means either a completely honest conversation or just withdrawing to the extent that it's quite obvious.

OP posts:

Original poster

beatenbyayellowteacup · 26/11/2011 08:37

Proud how did you do it?! Are you going to tell them or just fade off?

OP posts:

BsshBossh · 26/11/2011 08:38

I am confused. She is not a friend (not really, if you are honest) so just decline invites and not make an effort with her. End of.

pigletmania · 26/11/2011 08:40

Just tell her no, when she asks you to come out with her. Eventually she will get the message.

Original poster

beatenbyayellowteacup · 26/11/2011 08:42

BssBossh if I decline invites she will make a date for another time (she will persist until I have an available night) so I really need to be explicit about why, simply not making an effort on my part won't work.

OP posts:

cjbartlett · 26/11/2011 08:45

Are you both single then?

ChristinedePizanne · 26/11/2011 08:49

It sounds like you're part of her fantasy life where she lives a glamorous girls in London thing. But actually she's quite lonely and bored and sad.

Still, that isn't your problem and she is emotionally blackmailing you into doing stuff she wants to do (or feels she ought to do). You need to woman up and start saying no. Once you do it a couple of times, it gets easier. If you really didn't like her, you'd do it in a flash but I bet you feel sorry for her. I suspect she needs you an awful lot more than you need her so while it looks like you're giving her the power, it's an artificial one - it's actually you who hold all the cards.

FruStefanLindman · 26/11/2011 08:49

"When I met her I was not in a good place emotionally and I guess our 'relationship' started with me on the back foot and her having power. Which she clings to fiercely."

She's probably realised you've moved on from that time, but can't bear to admit it to herself because it could mean that you don't need her any more. Maybe she's quite lonely otherwise? I know you're not trying to dump her altogether, just limit your contact.

Original poster

beatenbyayellowteacup · 26/11/2011 08:50

yep we are. pigletmania (love the name btw) I think she will demand (and probably fair enough) to know why I am avoiding her.

I'm just going to have to tell her straight aren't I?

OP posts:

pigletmania · 26/11/2011 08:52

ahhh op its from my love of the Character Piglet in Winne the Poo. That used to happen to me in the past, but now I would have no qualms in telling people that no I cannot afford it, £100 is a lot of money, why don't you come over to mine for a pizza/takeaway and a girly dvd or something. In that case be explicit, and straight to the point, you do not have to do anything that you don't want to do.

InsomniaQueen · 26/11/2011 08:55

The question is do you actually want to continue this friendship?? That really needs to be the starting point - if you are only friends with her because she was your 'emotional crutch' then you need to think about whether this relationship is healthy, especially when you say you have now moved forward from the place she met you in.

Once answered the next step is to outline what you would like from the friendship - don't dwell on the history what are your real needs. For example do you want a scheduled meeting up time or something more sporadic. weekly texts and monthly 'girls night' or monthly text and bi-monthly 'girls night'. When decided you need to make it clear what the plan will be going forward - you have grown and changed and your relationships need to reflect this (remember you control who you allow into your life, how much and when).

Once the plan is in place you take control of the invites - act preemptively to stop her having the chance to pick somewhere out of your budget. The more everyone gets used to 'the plan' the easier it will be to manage your reactions during the times you see her.

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