Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU not to want to attend a funeral

105 replies

emmam25 · 24/11/2011 14:56

My OH's step-nan has very sadly and unexpectedly passed away. He wasn't close to her but he is close to his step-sis who was very close to her Nan. He obviously feels he wants to support his step-sis which I understand.
Her funeral is 3hrs away from where we live, his family is closer but still an hour away.

I am 39 weeks pregnant with our first child and will be very close to due date on the day of the funeral.

AIBU to not attend and not want my OH to attend either?

For information, we live even further from my family (dad and step-mum are about 4hrs drive from me), my Mum died when I was a teenager and I have no close friends living near me who could step in as birth partner if I did go into labour whilst my OH is away. So if I happen to go into labour when he is not here I will be on my own for a good 3/4hrs before anyone could get to me.

OP posts:

StrandedUnderTheMisltoe · 24/11/2011 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pootles2010 · 24/11/2011 14:59

Well i can see him wanting to go, to support step-sis. You could go, if you go into labour there just have your baby at the nearest hospital?

Kayano · 24/11/2011 14:59

Tough one. I would say its
Fine for you to not attend, but it's a funeral on his side and it should be his decision about
Going.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 24/11/2011 15:01

YANBU for not attending and normally I would say YABU for not wanting him to go and support his sister. However, your reasons sound fair....how does he feel about leaving you so close to the due date?? Does he really really want to go? I think you need to sit down with him- if he really feels he has to be there then fair enough but is there anyway you could have a back up plan just in case you go into labour when he is away. How long will he be gone for?

MotherPanda · 24/11/2011 15:01

This is your first? Labour is a long and boring process - it probably wouldn't matter that it would take your DH 3/4 hours to get back to you, my labour started Sunday afternoon, contractions got regular sunday evening and DD was born Tuesday morning!

I don't think you should go, you need to be near the hospital, also if you want DH to stay home then he should, it's really important that you feel safe and supported.

onepieceofcremeegg · 24/11/2011 15:02

That's rather harsh Stranded

emmam in your position I might find that I was having "twinges" on the morning of the funeral that it would make it unwise for your OH to travel 3 hours away from you.

Does your oh understand that potentially he could miss the birth, so in effect he could be choosing to support his step sis rather than you? (some people assume that first babies take many hours to arrive, this is not guaranteed).

Is your dp normally supportive of you? How desperate is he to support his step sister?

It sounds as if you need him more than she does, you want him as birth partner (and I fully understand that). She perhaps needs to look for an alternative person to support her.

Do you get on with step sister?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 24/11/2011 15:03

Also....labour isnt always like the films.....I went into labour with DS at 11pm and didnt actually have till till lunch time the next day so even if you go into labour when he is away, 3-4 hours wouldnt be too bad (hopefully)!

MotherPanda · 24/11/2011 15:03

p.s I think it would be different if he was really close to the step-nan, and there will be other family members to support his sister.

WhatAboutMeMeMe · 24/11/2011 15:04

you dont have to go, he wants to so dont lay a guilt trip on him by acting all pathetic

WhatAboutMeMeMe · 24/11/2011 15:05

emmam in your position I might find that I was having "twinges" on the morning of the funeral that it would make it unwise for your OH to travel 3 hours away from you.

jesus! how else do you manipulate people into doing what you consider to be the "best thing"

MotherPanda · 24/11/2011 15:05

Sorry - just thought, my friend gave birth to her first baby on the same day as me - but her labour was 7 hours from the first twinge to the birth. First births are very unpredictable!

What support is around you if DH missed the birth, are your parents close by?

OhTheConfusion · 24/11/2011 15:06

My labour with DS1 was 2hrs 20min, so not always a long process.

I would have a long chat with your dp and be honest, you need him and how would you both feel if he missed the birth?

StrandedUnderTheMisltoe · 24/11/2011 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 24/11/2011 15:07

"labour is a long and boring process"... Mother my first was born 3 hours and 55 mins after I went into labour, if this were my birth, he would have missed it...

Can see why you want him to stay, but also that its up to him, so cant decide if YABU or not! Would he still want to go if there was a chance he'd miss the birth though?

pictish · 24/11/2011 15:07

emmam in your position I might find that I was having "twinges" on the morning of the funeral that it would make it unwise for your OH to travel 3 hours away from you.

How dishonest and manipulative can you get? Yuck!
Please do not follow that advice OP.

I feel slightly sick at that.

MotherPanda · 24/11/2011 15:07

God, foot in mouth there, sorry - Family not close by. I don't think he should go.

MotherPanda · 24/11/2011 15:08

Beyond - that is quick! Have you had any more children? were they even quicker?

pinkytheshrunkenhead · 24/11/2011 15:09

Just go together - you will not get a chance to do this again. Just have your notes with you.

MotherPanda · 24/11/2011 15:10

Stranded - it could damage the relationship if the DH didn't support the OP through a very difficult and traumatic experience, and I do believe dads have more problems bonding if they aren't at the birth.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 24/11/2011 15:10

No2 is due in 19 weeks, fingers crossed for a slower one this time! Though I'm not holding my breath...

pictish · 24/11/2011 15:10

I think you should risk it for a biscuit and give him your blessing to go. The liklihood of you going into labour during that specific time is slim. It's possible of course....but slim.

Had I been in your shoes (and I've had three babies now) I would tell him to go.

Original poster

emmam25 · 24/11/2011 15:12

Thanks for the view points, I haven't said anything to him other than to ask when the funeral is and where it is. I wanted to know from outside my warped pregnant brain what people would think... knew I could guarantee that on here!

OH is one of 6 siblings so his step-sis does have others to support her but I would never tell him he shouldn't go support her if he wants to.

I know labour can be very long, particularly for first babies but my maternal family history is all very short labours, I was the first and only 4hrs and my Nan had my Mum (also first) in only 2 and 3/4hrs. So am cautiously optimistic I might get lucky!

Also, OH is so excited about our pfb and would be devastated to miss any of it!

OP posts:

pinkhebe · 24/11/2011 15:13

I wouldn't have wanted my dh that far away from me either, I missed my Nan's funeral (we weren't close) because I was 38 weeks. My family basically told me not to go!

BTW my first labour was 3 hrs

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 24/11/2011 15:13

Actually, going together (and taking your notes!!!) is prob the best thing to do. Will give you something to take your mind off "where is this bloody baby!"

MotherPanda · 24/11/2011 15:15

Fast labours run in your family? Lucky thing!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread