AIBU not to want to attend a funeral

[emmam25]

My OH's step-nan has very sadly and unexpectedly passed away. He wasn't close to her but he is close to his step-sis who was very close to her Nan. He obviously feels he wants to support his step-sis which I understand.
Her funeral is 3hrs away from where we live, his family is closer but still an hour away.

I am 39 weeks pregnant with our first child and will be very close to due date on the day of the funeral.

AIBU to not attend and not want my OH to attend either?

For information, we live even further from my family (dad and step-mum are about 4hrs drive from me), my Mum died when I was a teenager and I have no close friends living near me who could step in as birth partner if I did go into labour whilst my OH is away. So if I happen to go into labour when he is not here I will be on my own for a good 3/4hrs before anyone could get to me.

My first labour was 4 hours from first twinge and she was 10 days early. I can understand why you don't want to be away from your DH that late in your pregnancy esp. as you don't have close friends or family around.

Would it be possible for a member of you family to travel and be with you for the day 'just in case' ?

Hope it works out well whatever you decide.

emmam, do you have any friends/extended family who aren't local but might do the 4 hour drive to your house and stay while your DP is away?

Could you afford to hire a doula?

Point out the timings issue to him, he might not have genuinely thought about it from a whole 'missing the birth/missing supporting you'.

I think your husband should go, but tell him about your concerns and he might decide he doesn't want to risk it anyway.

In your position I would ask a friend (from further away if necessary - they don't have to be local) or a family member to come and stay with you for the day just in case. I'm sure they'd be happy to sit and eat cake for one day and it would mean if anything did happen you wouldn't be alone.

YANBU. The smell of burning martyr on this thread is sickening. if he desperately wants to go then I guess there's not much you can do but his duty at the moment lies firmly with you.

Word dat GML
Word DAT

YANBU, I am amazed your OH is even considering going. I have had 3 DC's, and we have a "rule" (well not really a rule, a mutual agreement which my DH suggested) that from 37 weeks PG (i.e. "term") he would not ever be more than 1 hour away.

How awful to even chance missing the birth of your first child unnecessarily.

Thanks for the idea folks! I don't think I could afford a doula but I'll have a word with my dad and see if he would come down for the day. He'd be pretty useless (he cannot bear seeing me in pain and I think that is pretty much a given in childbirth!) but better than being on my own. Maybe, my aunt might be able to take time off and come help me out rather than leave me alone. I don't see her much but she is a midwife so would make an ideal birth partner!

I think he should go, even though my first labour was only 4 hours long. My second was 14.

You will have other children whose birth he can be at, but there won't be another funeral for his nan.

He has to attend to represent your part of the family, its a given.

My childrens father was at neither of their births, I had my mum the first time, and my sis and mum the second time.

The last thing I wanted was him at the birth.

I'm new to this and don't know the acronyms yet and have only read a fraction of the responses to this question, but frankly NO. Emmam you need only to consider what is best for yourself and your child(ren?) It's impossible for a stranger to say what's best for another stranger without all the facts, but my experience tells me it's best to be extremely selfish and create a situation your conscience can live with for the rest of your days. Bitterness is a misery. My daughter's birth was so far from how I pictured it, it became comic enough to be a precious, unforgettable memory. And frankly if your family expect you to travel that far at this stage they aren't considering you enough. Take a stand and enjoy your moment (with or without the father - if he can explain his absence to his child and its valid for the child there should be no harm done).

Thanks emmam. You have to do what's best for you and your baby. If that offends anyone else, too bad. Fabbychic how do you know she'll have another? And, without being alarmist or scaring Emmamam25 what if anything goes wrong at the birth? ( This is how I lost DD1 and it would have been much much worse if DH had not been there).

I personally would not go so close to giving birth, and having SPD not going to be pleasant for you. I agree, I would rather be in familiar surroundings tbh, but YABU not letting your dp to go?

Fabby - because you didnt want your OH at the births of your children you dont think the OP should either?

How odd.

I watched 1940s musicals during mine, I dont think everyone else should do that as well.

I've been watching this with interest and can't believe how hard some of you are being on the OP. Babies come when they're ready and sometimes that's early believe it or not!

emmam25 I would ask your OH not to go. My in-laws were adamant we were not to go, though we wanted to. In fact, no-one even broached the subject of my husband going on his own, and I think anyone that would ask that of you both is being totally unreasonable.

I would imagine they will quite understand if neither of you go, it's not every day you have a baby after all.

Fabby, they might not have other children and even if they do, this baby will only be born once. It is not 'a given' that you must attend a step grandparent's funeral at the expense of maybe missing your child's birth. What if something went wrong and the OP was all alone. Her husband would never forgive himself.

A difficult one, but your DH should be with you... it's all about prioritising... and your partner/kids come before extended family. I am sure the family at the funeral will understand and not even expect you to be there.. and would understand were he not.

Personally I would not be travelling so late in pregnancy and for a 6+ hour round trip, and with the added health complications of the Op, I would not want to give birth at a strange hospital with unknown midwives.

DD (my eldest) was an ELCS, so my first actual labour was DS, who arrived 1 day early, and fast (which does run in my family). I struggled to get into a car in the last week of both pregnancies and a 6 hour round trip would have done for me.

However, your DH should make a decision he can be comfortable with, and go if he wants to go. But it seems clear that his step sis has other family members for support and you have no-one within easy reach. My DP would have chosen to stay with me if this issue had arisen.

I think some are being mean too. I had SPD and complications that required close supervision / scans and heart checks on me & baby. I had a check-up the day before I was going to be induced (on due date) and I nearly cancelled, thought it was a waste of time going. But I hate it when people cancel at late notice so I went... Good job too... My waters had gone (but never broke!), there was excess blood flow into an artery of baby, baby's heart was slowing alarmingly.
A routine test resulted in an horrific emergency situation and c-section!

You must, however, talk rationally to DP and come to an agreement. Let him talk first, he might surprise you by saying "I know I ought to go but you & the baby need me more". I think, once he knows your concerns, he'll agree to stay. As pointed out above: she's his STEP nan. I'm sure she would understand

Good luck with everything, hope the birth goes well

There is every chance OP that you won't go into labour on that day. However if you do there is absolutely no way of knowing how fast or otherwise it would be. My first labour was 2 hrs from the first twinge to delivery, my second was 25 minutes start to finish.

Your OH will have to take a risk either way with his decision. He misses the funeral of a relation he wasn't that close to, or he takes the (admittedly) small risk of missing his baby being born.
I hope he doesn't go for your sake.

This thread, in conjunction with my antenatal thread (in which loads of people are popping over a week before the due month starts) is really scaring me!

However, it's not worth dismissing "it could be early" as alarmist nonsense, either. If the baby is late, it could be a bloody uncomfortable trip/time away from OH and, as I mentioned, distract attention from the funeral, making some mourners very resentful (if they are not reasonable people - and sometimes people aren't when they are in mourning).

Ds2 was 8 says overdue and dh had to go to London(we are in east manchester ) for a Job interview! He stayed over night. During the snows this time last year. I had SPD and ds1. Then aged 5 to look after too. In hindsight I must have been fucking mental to agree to him going, but his Job situation was getting him to the edge of reason and he did get the Job he interviewed for. (good job really since I accidentally dropped him in if with his boss at the time) But pure barking mad I was. Tell your dp that you need him now, especially as it's your first. Good luck to you.

I just dont see what the big deal is to be honest.

Solution = have the baby tonight! Simples!

If only that were true. OP I think whatever you decide will be the right decision, simply because you are going about it exactly the right way: giving it lots of thought and discussing it openly with your OH.

Whatever happens, very best of luck and please do come back and let us know what happened sometime (maybe after the first 6 weeks or so)

SPD = symphsis pubic disfinction. also know as PGP. Its not nice at all.

Stupid phone. Dis function