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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want to attend a funeral

105 replies

emmam25 · 24/11/2011 14:56

My OH's step-nan has very sadly and unexpectedly passed away. He wasn't close to her but he is close to his step-sis who was very close to her Nan. He obviously feels he wants to support his step-sis which I understand.
Her funeral is 3hrs away from where we live, his family is closer but still an hour away.

I am 39 weeks pregnant with our first child and will be very close to due date on the day of the funeral.

AIBU to not attend and not want my OH to attend either?

For information, we live even further from my family (dad and step-mum are about 4hrs drive from me), my Mum died when I was a teenager and I have no close friends living near me who could step in as birth partner if I did go into labour whilst my OH is away. So if I happen to go into labour when he is not here I will be on my own for a good 3/4hrs before anyone could get to me.

OP posts:
pictish · 24/11/2011 15:16

Look at it this way - around about when I was due my third, my dh was required to attend several jobs that were three hours drive away in Newcastle.

It never even occurred to me to forbid it, and he went several times - even though he technically could've missed the birth too. It was work and he had to do what he had to do. He wasn't in Newcastle when I went into labour so all was well.

This funeral is a one off. I think the risk is a pretty safe one.

MotherPanda · 24/11/2011 15:18

But sods law and all that...

However, averagely first babies are 7 days late also. how did your family do on that score?

BringHimHome · 24/11/2011 15:19

I think you would be unreasonable to even hint at your husband not attending his step-nan's funeral for whatever reason he wants to go. I also cannot see why you cannot go. Don't you think he might like you to go too to support him?

Pregnancy is not an illness and, yes, it can be unpredictable. I went to a wedding 2 hours away when I was a week overdue because I didn't want to miss it. DD was born 4 days later. So what? Like anything else, I just got on with it. Get a stiff upper lip for goodness sake!

pictish · 24/11/2011 15:21

Agree bringhimhome sorry OP.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 24/11/2011 15:23

That was a bit mean stranded. The OP is pg and her baby is due at the same time as a funeral a long way off. Of course she wants her OH with her!

I think all you can do OP is to have everything well prepared just in case you do go into labour. Your OH needs to make sure he has enough fuel in the car/knows what trains he can catch/has a lift to the station etc and keeps his phone where he can feel it vibrate even if he cant have it on 'ring'.

The chances are you will not go into labour so try not to worry too much.

Pootles2010 · 24/11/2011 15:31

Well I guess it depends how comfortable you are as well - could you face 3 hr car journey? If so, I'd go. It really makes no difference where you are.

Might be worth getting the number/directions for the nearest labour ward though?

ComradeJing · 24/11/2011 15:38

DH had to travel a three hour flight away when i was 38 weeks. I wasn't happy but it was work so he couldn't refuse.

I wouldn't ban him from going but I would calmly tell tell him you don't want to go and you would rather he didn't because x y z but that it's up to him.

DeliaSucksStuffingBalls · 24/11/2011 15:52

Of course YANBU to feel like that. I don't think either of you should go. I'm sure your DH's family will totally understand in the exceptional circumstances.

DeliaSucksStuffingBalls · 24/11/2011 15:55

Just to add I think some of the responses on here are a bit harsh. I hope whatever you decide works out and good luck with your impending birth!

Demonata · 24/11/2011 15:58

YANBU. I agree with comrade and DeliaSucks... First pregnancy is scary and you understandably want the support of your OH.

Original poster
emmam25 · 24/11/2011 16:07

Thank you for all your replies. I had initially thought I would go but I have SPD and the pain is bad, I'm guessing that will be worse rather than better as we get closer to the date. I honestly don't think I could do 6hrs round trip + standing etc at a funeral. That probably does make me pathetic but is my honest appraisal of my limitations.

Also, I am under consultant care for other complications so, although I know one maternity unit will be much the same as another, I would really rather be at my hospital where I know my consultant/midwife etc

Motherpanda - mostly historically on time and quick according to my nana! She maybe just trying to reassure me though!

Will sit down with OH tonight and discuss with him how he feels. What I really don't want is for him to go and then kill himself driving like a lunatic to try and get home to me if it does all kick off!

OP posts:
Gonzo33 · 24/11/2011 16:12

My first was 4hrs 10mins, my second was 2hrs 30mins. For my second my husband had literally just returned from a tour (he is forces). Our dd was 5 days late and he had returned the day before. I know women who have given birth on their own, but they say that they do wish their partners were there.

I wish you luck whatever happens.

Shutupanddrive · 24/11/2011 16:16

YANBU to not go. I would see how you feel on the morning of funeral, if no twinges fine let him go. First babies are very often late and hardly ever born on their due date. I would actually decide on the day

startail · 24/11/2011 16:24

So long as he has his own car and a mobile so he can turn round and come home I think he should go if he wants to.
I found long car journeys very uncomfortable towards the end of PG so I wouldn't have.

Almostfifty · 24/11/2011 16:25

My husband's Granny died the week before my first baby was due. I asked the consultant at my ante-natal if I would be ok to go to the funeral, (which was three hours away) he said yes, so long as I took my bag with me just in case.

I had a show that very day, went into labour the next day, had our son the day after (five days before my due date) and the funeral was the day after that. My in-laws had the pleasure of being able to tell everyone of the birth of their first grandchild to give a bit of joy in the sadness of the day.

kiki22 · 24/11/2011 16:27

If i was you i would see how you feel on the day, if you have a good relationship with his family tell them you are sorry you won't be there but can't manage the drive and your hoping that your DP will be able to make it as long as your feeling ok and not like somethings going to happen. You might find that once you say to them they might say to him to stay with you, they are grieving and have prob not thought much about him having to leave you.

GrimmaTheNome · 24/11/2011 16:34

With SPD and other complications, surely no-one in their right mind would expect you to go.

I think YANBU to not want your DH to go either - I know I wouldn't under the circumstances. But if he feels he must, then its his call.

Good luck with the remaining time and birth! Smile

BarkisIsWillin · 24/11/2011 16:34

You should not feel obliged to go to funeral. It's a long trip and would be extremely uncomfortable for you. You just need to talk to your dp about his situation.

Bartimaeus · 24/11/2011 16:36

Agree with seeing how you feel on the day - you never know, the baby might arrive before then!

Good luck

OrmIrian · 24/11/2011 16:38

He has to go. You don't. Sorry.

starfishmummy · 24/11/2011 16:39

I don't think you are being unreasonable not to go; but your dh should go if he wants to.
I would make sure he has charged his mobile properly (my dh thinks a 10 minutes charge of a depleted battery is fine!!!) and that he will be in his own car, and not giving other people lifts - so that they don't hold him up if he needs to get home.

MamaMaiasaura · 24/11/2011 16:42

YaNbu on not wanting to attend and for wanting your oh to be with you. It's very sad his nan died but you and baby need him and she (no offence) doesn't. In terms of his sister, surely she has other support available to her?

On the other hand of baby arrives before due day, would you be happy for oh to attend then? Tho I don't know if you have other children to care for etc.

If it was me, we wouldn't be attending but would send flowers/donation to charity and condolence card. I expect if his nan had a say she'd want him to be with his wide and baby and not standing around her coffin hours away.

MamaMaiasaura · 24/11/2011 16:46

Oh and with dd (who's laying asleep on me) who is 4 1/2 weeks old arrived on her due day and labour was 2.5 hrs and whilst labour can be long and often not on due day, it can happen and it was scary enough with dh there, would have been even more scared without him.

shoobydoowop · 24/11/2011 16:50

motherpanda not all of them are long and boring!

slavetofilofax · 24/11/2011 17:09

You need to talk to your dh but without putting any pressure on him. It would be horrible of you to pressure him to stay. You are quite capable of getting yourself to hospital if you do go into labour, but that is very very unlikely to happen.

The descision should be his, and if he wants to take the very tiny risk that he may miss teh birth, then that's up to him. It's not like he's off on a stag weekend, it's his Nan's funeral FFS!

How will you feel on the day if nothing at all happens and your poor dh is thinking of what his family is going through without him?

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