AIBU not to want to attend a funeral

[emmam25]

My OH's step-nan has very sadly and unexpectedly passed away. He wasn't close to her but he is close to his step-sis who was very close to her Nan. He obviously feels he wants to support his step-sis which I understand.
Her funeral is 3hrs away from where we live, his family is closer but still an hour away.

I am 39 weeks pregnant with our first child and will be very close to due date on the day of the funeral.

AIBU to not attend and not want my OH to attend either?

For information, we live even further from my family (dad and step-mum are about 4hrs drive from me), my Mum died when I was a teenager and I have no close friends living near me who could step in as birth partner if I did go into labour whilst my OH is away. So if I happen to go into labour when he is not here I will be on my own for a good 3/4hrs before anyone could get to me.

"YANBU to not go"

You haven't even read the OP's last post Shutupanddrive. I think it is very unreasonable for her to feel obliged to go.

emmam25 I would see how you feel on the day. You usually get some kind of warning if things are going to kick off. I would stay at home, but ask your OH to keep his mobile on all day (on vibrate in the church) so you can contact him if necessary.

Go with him. Put the baby seat in the car (to bring baby home with you), and take the hospital notes.

If it was me, I wouldn't go. I would tell OH that you don't want him to go and why, but also tell him that you understand why he wants to go and leave him to make.

I know which decision my DH would have made. He would not have gone.

make the decision.

My husband went 31/2 hours away for work, for one night, when I was 37+4 with DS1. I went into labour, and delivered him in under 3 hours. DH missed the birth, despite driving like a madman to get back. I was gutted. He was gutted. Yes there is only a small chance it could happen - but sometimes it does.

yabvu (and a bit precious - sorry!) to not want OH to go. Its very unlikely you'll go into labour on that very day at that very time. Even if you do your OH will very likely have enough time to get back to you.

Practical advice - can you compromise? is there a nice village / town halfway that you could have a bit of me-time in (dinner, bit of lazy slobbing about / sitting in a cafe etc) so you are at least closer if (again, v unlikely) anything does happen? Or can you go to see your family that day?

I can't believe how many people are saying "you should go", especially given that you plainly don't want to, and the SPD business, which should make sitting in a car for that amount of time a joy - NOT!

Don't worry about emotional pressure from OH's family's side. In their grief, they are not thinking clearly: if you do go into labour at or around the funeral, they would be bound to kick off about you trying to make a scandal at a family occasion which had nothing to do with you... what a drama queen... etc.

Giving birth away from home is not fun, and if you have to stay in hospital because of complications like neonatal jaundice, you will be relying on a family network which is not your own, to get you extra baby clothes, nappies, maternity pads, nursing bras, etc. And what about registering the birth and getting the certificate? I had to make an appointment to do that - 3 weeks after DS1 was born! Would you travel back for that?

So whatever your OH does, you just stay put!

P.S. am 37+6, so some of my emotions on this are a bit higher than normal, but I hope the reasoning remains sound!

"I can't believe how many people are saying "you should go""

Neither can I. That's because they have all had late babies, easy labours, no complications, lots of family support, a birth partner who isn't 3 - 4 hours drive away etc, etc. We aren't all lucky enough to have uncomplicated pregnancies and family around.

I agree with you plupervert. Each situation is different and had it been me I would have stayed at home and not been happy for OH to be so far away. (for the record I had a high risk pregnancy, no family within 150 miles and DD arrived at 38.5 weeks after a labour that took exactly 6 hours)

My word some people are mean.....

OP you are not being unreasonable at all, it is his step gran who he was not close to, and it is more important he is there to support you as your due date approaches more then supporting his step sister.

I don't think your dh should go. This isn't his gran, he wasn't even close to her. His step sis will have other people to support her, you won't and will be on your own. And if you do go into labour and he misses the birth, he will kick himself for putting someone else ahead of supporting you and seeing his baby come into the world and likely, you will be angry with him too.

My first came pretty much when he was due - you can't predict these things. Does your dh actually know that babies can come any time from 37 -42 weeks, or does he believe that they come when they are due? He might not have thought about it coming 'early'.

I don't think some people have either read the OP properly, or have a very short memory about how it feels when you are about to give birth for the first time.
Just to reiterate, YANBU OP. Good luck. Let us know when you've had your bundle arrives.

YANBU at wanting him to be there for the birth.

My FIL died a week before DS due date and the funeral date was 2 days after his due date and a 6 hour drive north. I spoke to my midwife and decided to go with my DH to support him as I would rather he was with me if I went into labour.
Car was packed to the rafters with everything we could possibly need and I sat and worked out a list of hospitals with maternity units to cover the entire drive up. DD was born the day before her due date so I had visions of my waters breaking in the middle of the service. As it happens DS decided he could wait a bit longer and i ended up being induced a week later having made the journey up and down the country without so much as a twinge

Emmam, I don't want to worry you, but sometimes first babies can come very quickly, and quick births aren't always 'easy'. With DS1, my waters broke at 3am, I had my first contaction at 3.30am and my baby was born just before 5am in the back of an ambulance! He arrived on his due date. Because the labour was so quick, the pain was far more intense than usual and I was convinced that something was terribly wrong (it wasn't of course), but I was very glad that DH was with me before the ambulance and midwife arrived at our house. It would have been frightening on my own. Incidentally, DS2 was also born after only 90 minutes of contractions. This time I was at hospital before DH, who only arrived about 1 minute before our son was born. Even though I knew what was going on this time, and why the contractions were so painful, I wish he had been there with me the whole time. If your DH does go to the funeral, just make sure you have someone you can call on, in case your baby does decide to come that day. Good luck. I'm sure everything will be fine.

is there any one else who will be there for the step sister, a funeral tends to have alot of family members who support each other.

where as the OP has nobody to support her during labour

I am frankly disgusted at the nobbish comments on this thread! Some of you should hang your heads in shame.

'stiff upper lip' ??? FFS really???? It is NO WONDER MN gets a bad rep.

OP is 39 weeks. It s important that at this time she feels fully supported. If that means she has her OH with her then I cannot see why any sane family would disagree. All this nonsense about 'not putting pressure' on him... Well why dont they make a grown up decision together?

Here's a radical concept guys... Instead of demanding that the OP grows a pair of balls why don't WE cultivate a bit of compassion. Vast majority of us where first time mums once upon a time. Eh?

Rant over. Carry on :)

I can't comment as I really have no idea what I would do in your situation.

I do want to say that while many first labours take a long time to get going, my sister's waters went with an expected bang and the baby was out four hours later. It does happen!

Op unfortunately there are the usual 'toughen up woman' comments on here . YANBU. I dithered and dithered about whether to go a wedding at 39 plus 2. It was three hours away. We also considered do going alone. In the end we decided not to go, even though they close friends. And guess what? Dd arrived at the exact time the happy couple were saying I do. And I got stuck in hospital for four days due to bf issues so to have far from home would have sucked. You need your do more than his step sister, I think you should say your wish is for him to stay but I don't think you can apply pressure.

Pregnant at 39 weeks and three hours away from your dh is a big deal. I think most people understand that op's worry is important.

But funerals are important to some people too. It matters when someone dies and there are members of your family grieving.

Maybe it is more important that the dh is around on the very slim chance she goes into labour in that 8 hour period, but it's understandable that not everyone feels that it is.

I'm so grateful for all the words of support and different opinions.

I think it's the whole "don't know" about it that makes me worried, it is unlikely it'll happen whilst he's away but not impossible. I have said to him that, although I would like to support him by going, I just don't think I can manage it. He understands and can decide what he does closer to the time.

As for alternative birth partners, I really honestly only know my work colleagues and the women I met in my NCT class about a month ago. So that would be an awkward conversation... "I know we only work together and have socialised at the xmas do, but do you fancy being there for the birth of my baby?"

Some people are a bit weird about death and all normal rationality and reasonableness goes right out of the window. I hope when I die, people around me won't feel they have to do this kind of thing. I'll be dead so I won't care and I'd be furious if I thought my family had to agonise like this over my funeral.

An example of this is my SIL who wouldnt visit us for ages when DD2 was born just after FIL died ( I did go to his funeral, btw) because I hadn't given DD the name, of the several we had in mind, that FIL liked the best! It took me long time to forgive her. I wasn't like this to other people when my DM and DF and my DD1 died. Grief is no excuse to be horrible.

Sorry Op I completely sympathise and given that you have had complications and presumably would feel better under the care of your current team I would say you should not go. Whether DH goes or not is his decision but not to tell him how you feel is not a good way to start your new status as a family, really.

slavetofilofax having lost my own mother suddenly when I was 18 and my grandmother (who took her place as best she could) a few years later; I fully understand and appreciate what it is like to lose a loved one and the importance of grieving for them and the funeral.

Hence, why I am not just throwing my teddies out the pram and demanding anything.

butterfliesandladybirds sorry for your losses :(

I think
he should go if he really wants to - not if it's just because SS wants him to
he has his own car/transport
he keeps his phone on at all times, even in the service (sorry, but I would need to know I could get him!)
and you have the power to veto on the morning of the funeral if you feel like something's going to happen...

emmam I'll be your birth partner if you'd rather not ask a colleague and obv if you are local!