AIBU to wonder why you guys despise people like me?

[theprodigaldaughter]

I guess this is not so much an AIBU thread but more of a question why? I wasn't sure where to post it.

After observing this website for a few months I would like to ask you ladies a question.

Why do you despise people like me?

I suppose for starters I had better explain myself. My cards are on the table. I am in my 40's. I have a couple of kids. My husband has a very good job as did I until I gave it up a couple of years ago to raise my kids. We have financial security, we own a nice house and car and have a nice holiday every year. My kids go to private school. Without going into too much detail, he pays 40% tax, and a little bit at 50%. He is not a banker.

Prior to the flames that I envisage following the above, I'd also like to explain our backgrounds. Both myself and my husband come from a rough northern town. We went to poorly funded state schools which were really rough. We both left with very little. We then went to college and did a lot better and both then went to Uni. We left heavily in debt and got jobs at the time earning under 10K a year each. We both carried on studying and gaining post grad qualifications. We got married, moved and worked in the city of london, then moved abroad where we both worked 70 hours/ 6 days a week until I was 36, when we had our kids. We saved everything we could for our future.

Now I am back in the UK I find that we are despised for having a bit of money, our own house, a nice car and sending our kids to an independent school. According to the threads on this website we should pay more tax, donate any spare cash we have to schools for other peoples kids and basically give up the air we breathe for others benefit. Apparently we are a parasite on society and ungodly because someone else has less than us.

I am genuinely interested to know WHY someone who has dragged themselves out of the mud to better themselves is hated by our society. It seems that no one wants anyone to have anything, but is not prepared to work for it themselves. After reading the above, I ask a lot of you -what have you done to better yourselves? Have you moved away and made sacrifices? Have you constantly strived to improve your life? If the answer is no, then you cannot begrudge what we have.

I am all for helping those in need who are incapable of helping themselves. They should be our priority. But I begrudge a penny of my taxes going to anyone who had the same start in life as I did, but has done nothing to better themselves.

Rant over...sorry it is so long. It's just that the people on this site are making my blood boil.

So: no pony and no swimming pool. A tennis court? A Jacobean sofa?

That's patronising OldEnglishSpangles, Reverse it - the more people think it's all their own doing the more people that are a bit up their own arses.

It's obviously a balance of circumstance and individual effort.
I really don't know why people can't acknowledge that, whereever they fall on the social/financial scale.

You mean it's light brown?

WibblyBibble Thu 24-Nov-11 14:23:19 said:

"I'll raise you 'rough school' to 'violent divorce and abuse plus social services involvement, single mother on benefits, free school meals, crap school' and your 'going on to college' compared to 'getting into fucking Cambridge"

I like that post very much.

no pony and no swimming pool

Maybe its the question/attitude: 'people like you'?

Why do you assume everyone here is financially 'beneath' you? Are you insecure a little because of your childhood? Ive always assumed mumsnet was full of all sorts - above/below/the same as me. Also didnt give it much thought!

I think perhaps you want people to be jealous....?

SinicalSal interesting question. probably because we would all like to think we derserve more credit for what is good in our lives than we actually do. equally we are probably all more responsible for things we dont like than we like to admit.

Tilly that is undoubtedly true. It is a balance though, not all one or the other.

Blood pressure will not allow me to read all posts.

The answer is simple, if you work full time, you should get the same pay as everyone else in the country who works full time

Until we pay our teachers, nurses, road sweepers the same as bankers and layers we will need to help the poor cover the cost of living

We can't all do the well paid jobs, think of the children :)

Luck is a redherring if we assume that only people who are lucky can get out of poverty etc whats the point of helping them. Its surely wasted effort because at the end of the day only the randonm uncontrollable luck will make any difference. It we take luck out of the equation and try and find out what is failing / disadvantaging somepeople then we can start addressing the problems and evening up the playing field. It can only work with the buy in of both parties who each own their actions.

I think OP is a journo or blogger btw.

that was for SinicalSal [smiles] - If you see what I mean. It was not a judgement.

I cba to read any more of th ethread. just wanted to say hi to ol tufty

OP - well, being fair to you and assuming you aren't an arse, here's the answer:

If you deserve your lot in life, then they deserve theirs. If you have everything you have because a combination of hard work, making the right choices and being naturally bright, then other people's situations are the fault of their laziness, making poor choices and/or being a bit thick. In other words, if your situation is purely self made, then their situations are also purely self made. If you're in a shitty situation, no one wants to acknowledge it's mainly their own fault.

You would find it easier if you had inherited money, come from a family that could help you out financially, or were freakishly intelligent, because then other people could look at you and think "she had all those gifts/help" and it not be a reflection on what their lives could be if they'd made better decisions.

However, this makes people feel very, very uncomfortable, and it is the British way to try to avoid making other people feel bad. It's considered terrible bad manners to not try to make other people feel better about themselves, so your attitude does piss people off here because you're missing the social grace that you should be humble and at least present a veneer of "yes, we've been lucky" in order to make others feel good. Your failure to follow basic social norms of being nice make people hate you, not the cost of your car/house/holiday.

For example of how to do this: see above, no one says "I have a 4X4 because it's fun to drive and I love big cars." the correct comment is "I have to have a 4X4 so we can drive in the snow/tow a trailer/fit everything we need in the car." (Therefore giving the suggestion that the other people who doesn't have one would chose have one if their life was the same.)

to wonder why you guys despise people like me

anyone who uses the phrase "you guys" is a complete dick

Hi Hully. Don't read the thread. Maybe you've got a bit of sewing to be getting on with?

See the OP doesn't just mention hard work does she?

She mentions having no advantage in childhood, studying hard, moving abroad, waiting for her first child...she and her DH have done a fair bit that others wouldn't do.

SS you are right

I am giggling my arse off at MrsDV's post as well.

If OP is a journo then he is a very poor one. Over-use of certain words such as, "nice", "rough" and grammatically ridiculous phrases such as:

"apparently we are a parasite on society and ungodly because someone else has less than us"

And people on this site can't make one's blood boil. Their comments might. Very imprecise.

If you are a genuine OP despite your use, of, "ladies" then I apologise for being pedantic but I was just addressing other things.

I have no idea what you're talking about OP.

What I don't like is people who have far more than they need (and this does include you), who then complain that they haven't got enough (probably doesn't include you), don't pay their full tax liability because they can afford to pay people who will find ways out of it (I hope this doesn't include you). I don't like people who think they are better than us normal guys on the ground here, and who sneer at us (again, probably not you, but jury's out for the moment). I don't like people who use their money and influence to better their own lives at the expense of other people's (do you?).

With the exception of the first one - I really don't mind that you've got more than me, why would I? If I want more than I have then I can do what you have done - but otherwise, if you fit into any of those (and right now I don't much care whether you do or not) then I despise you sure, but now you know why.

I don't like the attitude of a society which encourages people to grab as much for themselves as they can with scant regard for the less fortunate people around them. I don't like a society where people are encouraged to rat on their neighbours because they think they might be earning an extra £20 while desperately trying to live on benefits (yes, Mrs Thatcher, you have made damn sure that there is no such thing as community, haven't you?). I don't like a society which allows tax havens thus allowing the rich to get richer while the poor get poorer, and which then cuts resources because the money is being syphoned off by rich twats or large companies which again, don't pay their full tax liability.

There are things about this society which disgust me nowadays. I don't think you are one of them.

Happy days

Why do you keep animals instead of having children?

I have to say I somewhat agree with the OP - probably because I'm sitting in my moderately comfortable lifestyle right now!

People do end up where they are by a combination of choices and luck though - how much is effort and how much is fate probably depends a bit.

I do know people who genuinely had the same chances as me (or even better ones!) and have royally screwed them up, and then have the cheek to say I have it easy now. I do have a very nice life, and I'm aware I've been very lucky, but I'd say 80% of it has been hard work to get here rather than luck. They forget that whilst they were getting drunk and living the high life I was getting up at 6am and working an 80 hour week. And that I didn't just sprog willy-nilly and expect someone else to pick up the tab. And that actually I didn't get to spend as much time as I wanted with my kids as babies because I needed to work - and those things were all my choices which I made because I believed it was the right thing to do.

I also know people who have ended up in awful messes through no fault of their own and are without a doubt more intelligent, more deserving and better people than I am. They are hugely in the minority though - mostly the ones who screwed it up for themselves outweigh these gems 10 to 1.

Having children is quite a bit more painful than feeding a cat, surely?

Oh

And

CHARACTER IS FATE