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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to try for a third child despite deep reservations?

109 replies

JesusChristBenton · 22/11/2011 22:23

DH really wants a third. I have never been sure. Scared of the chaos, the cost, the impact on our existing two, and oddly obsessed with over population.

But DH is certain. And he is a great hands-on Dad who does as much parenting as I do. If I was desperate for another and he refused I would be very sad and hurt. Why should my negative feelings outweigh his positive?

So I have agreed to try. I am frightened that it's not the right decision for us but I have agreed to try.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Cybbo · 22/11/2011 22:26

Unreasonable to have reservations? No

unreasonable to not try for a baby when your H really wants one?

I dont know- I think perhaps deep down I believe that as the woman is the one who has to carry the pregnancy , cope with the birth and after effects, and do probably the majority of the early care (even with a husband with the best intentions) he should respect your views and decision.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 22/11/2011 22:27

Depends on your situation and how you feel.

YANBU you are being honest. There's a difference.

But, I have never heard of anyone who regretted having a child. Heard of lots regretting not having one.

You must discuss it thoroughly with your husband.

wigglesrock · 22/11/2011 22:30

I had a third nine months ago, but we were both so sure its what we wanted. She is an absolute joy but its hard work, the other two are 6 and 4 and both at school/nursery school, so to be honest I wouldn't even consider it unless you really want another child.

In this case you really can't cross your fingers and hope for the best.

ZonkedOut · 22/11/2011 22:33

I would say you both need to be in agreement before you start planning to have a DC, otherwise it's not fair on the child.

If you're not sure, maybe give it a bit more time to come around to the idea. It's not the same as saying no outright. Oh, and, don't worry too much about the effect on the other 2, children cope pretty well with that sort of thing.

Original poster
JesusChristBenton · 22/11/2011 22:33

Believe me this is the most discussed conception in the world. Before we ever had kids we discussed having three. Since I had our second we discuss little else. I exaggerate but we do go round and round in circles trying to work out what we should do. No amount of discussions can shift the uneasy feeling in the pit if my stomach that I just won't cope very well. No amount of discussion lessens DH's feeling that three us the perfect number.

OP posts:
AppleHEAD · 22/11/2011 22:34

Love my 3 but you need to be sure. I found going from 2 to 3 really hard.. They are now 3,5 and 7 and it's a bit easier.
Remember you will be outnumbered!!

Flyonthewindscreen · 22/11/2011 22:35

YABU to try for a third child you are not sure you want. Your DH can be as hands on as he likes but he won't be getting pregnant or giving birth. My DH gets a little misty eyed and says he sometimes thinks about having three children (our DC are 7 and 9 and I am 40), I just laugh and say "well I don't"..

Original poster
JesusChristBenton · 22/11/2011 22:37

Wiggles - your age gaps are v similar to what ours could be. Why is it so hard? I thought by waiting this long I was minimising the chaos and that with the others at school, having DC3 might be like it was with DC1 (from 9am - 3pm at least).

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 22/11/2011 22:38

yabu to try and have another baby when you are not sure you actually want one.,

i found going from 2 to 3 very, very hard and 3 was very much wanted and planned!

why don't you agree to wait 6 months and see how you feel then?

Original poster
JesusChristBenton · 22/11/2011 22:42

I have been putting the decision off for a long time. There are practical reasons why now is a good time to TTC if we are ever going to take that leap (need to conceive baby in next 12 months so it's to start school while DC2 still at infant school so it will qualify for a place under sibling rule. Is best friend is preggers with DC3 so would have someone to go through it with).

OP posts:
LingDiLong · 22/11/2011 22:46

JesusCB, I have similar age gaps to Wiggles and can tell you exactly why it's so hard. 9-3 it really is lovely and similar to DC1 - albeit with far more housework and laundry to take care of. Pre-9am it's hard work getting everyone ready and out of the house. Post 3pm is really, really hard work. Getting dinner ready, doing homework/reading/having friends over to play/ferrying kids to after school activities are all very hard work with a younger child in tow. Not so much when they're small babies but mine is 18 months now and doesn't want to be strapped in a pram or car and can tantrum for Britain. Then there's the school holidays, you can't take them swimming on your own. Or to the cinema. Every activitiy you plan has to take into account the needs of a much younger child. It makes everything so much harder.

Ultimately I think YWBU. If having a 3rd is the WRONG decision EVERYONE in your family (including your DH) will feel the effects. If you decide not to go ahead only your DH will feel the effect - and getting over not having a 3rd would be a hell of a lot easier than coping with a 3rd you realise you shouldn't have had.

wigglesrock · 22/11/2011 22:49

Its hard because the other two are becoming more independent, and yet I'm still changing nappies, getting up at night. I always wanted more than two children and feel so lucky that I have 3 healthy and happy children but I knew that I would love 3, I'm not sure how I would feel if I had have been talked into it.

wigglesrock · 22/11/2011 22:50

LingDiLong puts it much better Grin

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 22/11/2011 22:52

No idea how to advise you. So will go for a mad idea, toss a coin to decide. Heads you ttc, tails you don't.

Just before you look at the coin try to focus on which result it is, heads or tails. You might find this false pressure forces you to make an instinctive decision, it sometimes works for me.

If nothing else it will keep you occupied for 30 seconds.

Original poster
JesusChristBenton · 22/11/2011 22:55

I guess I am hanging everything on the hope that you never realise you should not have had a child.

I mean when a child arrives you love it unconditionally and all the hard stuff is worth it.

That's what I hope but I fear testing that hope. Just reading Ling's post makes my tummy flip. I don't want it to be that difficult again. I have only just got to a point where having two seems civilised.

I like the idea of three older kids. And love the idea of three adult kids. If only I could feel DH's excitement for three little kids.

I do love newborns though. Maybe it will all be OK when I fall in love with my little newborn.

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 22/11/2011 22:59

I know this might sound harsh - but what if everything doesn't fall into place, what if it isn't ok?. In the end you are talking about another person, not the idea of it.

LingDiLong · 22/11/2011 23:05

I do absolutely adore my 3rd - we all do, her siblings are besotted. And the newborn stage was lovely, i'd have convinced anyone to have 3 then. But now? There have been many days lately where I have questioned my decision. Oddly this doesn't detract from the love I feel for her but it does make me miserable. Think of the worst case scenario, the worst most stressful days of your parenting career so far and ask yourself if you can cope with that. If you have any doubts then stick with 2 - at least for now.

Laquitar · 22/11/2011 23:07

I think it would be very unfair to refuse a partner to have ANY children at all. But a third one? I'm not sure thats unfair to dh. More unfair to the child if you are not sure you will be happy with.
Why does he want a third so much? Do his friends/simblings have 3?

BettyTurnip · 22/11/2011 23:07

Yes but they don't stay newborns for long! We have three age 7, 5 and 3 and it is bloody hard work. Obviously we love them without reservation but I sometimes feel that they are shortchanged as we try to spread ourselves between the three. My mind boggles at how people can cope with even larger families.

Read LingDiLong's (excellent) post over and over and focus on how it makes you feel. I think if you have reservations or anxieties about it then you really need to listen to your gut instincts. I'm sure your DH would be devasted to feel he'd persuaded you into a pregnancy you weren't sure about.

loler · 22/11/2011 23:48

My three are 4,6 and 8. Doesn't seem to be getting any easier. Dc1 went on school camp last week, a whole week of just 2 dc has shown me what I've been missing, a lot less noise, mess and peace keeping and a whole load more time. If you're not sure stick at 2, it's not something you can try it out and see (or else you could borrow one of mine!).

mollschambers · 23/11/2011 00:01

Was asked the other day if going from 1 to 2 or from 2 to 3 was harder. Definitely the latter. I found it quite tough juggling school run, nursery run and a baby.

Now have two at school and one at nursery and it is getting easier. But dear god, the noise and chaos in this house at times.... Also prepare to feel guilty at never having enough 1 to 1 time with any of them.

The older two adore their sister but, whether they realise it or not, we've all had to make sacrifices of some sort. Still can't take them all swimming by myself as they are all at different stages. Just little things like that.

On the flip side I like that they have each other and hope they'll always have a good relationship.

It is hard though. At times very hard.

mamamoonmim · 23/11/2011 00:16

I really think you should only have another baby if it's REALLY what you want.
When having a baby, you have to consider life changing disabilities they may have.
My son is 4 but needs as much attention as a baby and it may not improve, he's 'severly disabled' with autism.

You need to consider that if you did have a child who wasn't so easy it would affect your other children alot, so you should really be sure you're prepared for anything.

You have a happy family with 2 kids? 'if it aint broken, don't fix it'.

Perhaps DH can convince you better in a few years and you'll feel differently

staylucky · 23/11/2011 00:16

Currently expecting our third, 25 weeks and still scared about chaos, cost and impact! There is never an ideal time is there? But you do have a choice, keep talking x

Original poster
JesusChristBenton · 23/11/2011 08:05

I am very much appreciating all this sage advice. I might show DH this thread tonight.

Maybe this is not the right decision for us.

Gulp at the thought our two days of TTC could already have results.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 23/11/2011 08:12

Boys you may never have heard anyone saying they regret having a baby because its one of the biggest taboos ever to admit that you have made a wrong choice - but it doesn't mean that they aren't parents around who regret having a baby/babies - there have been plenty of threads on this subject on MN.

OP - no real advice ......... a very difficult decision for you.

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