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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to try for a third child despite deep reservations?

109 replies

JesusChristBenton · 22/11/2011 22:23

DH really wants a third. I have never been sure. Scared of the chaos, the cost, the impact on our existing two, and oddly obsessed with over population.

But DH is certain. And he is a great hands-on Dad who does as much parenting as I do. If I was desperate for another and he refused I would be very sad and hurt. Why should my negative feelings outweigh his positive?

So I have agreed to try. I am frightened that it's not the right decision for us but I have agreed to try.

AIBU?

OP posts:
lottielou39 · 23/11/2011 10:37

lol@ that telegraph article. We have two daughters (11 and 8) and are about to have another girl any day soon. They fight all the time! I love the bit in the article which said two girls rarely argue, play nicely together and are quiet! They haven't met my two girls!

starryeyed1 · 23/11/2011 10:49

lottielou You will look into your new baby DD eyes and nothing else will matter. BTW I love having three girls and besides who said life should be easy, that would be boring. Wink

starryeyed1 · 23/11/2011 10:50

MY 10 and 7 year old argue all the time too!

warthog · 23/11/2011 11:38

i was in your situation a year ago.

i now have 3 dd's!

if it were only up to me i would have stuck with 2 but dh really wanted another.

3 is obv more work and dd3 has turned out to be the worst sleeper of the lot but i still wouldn't be without her.

i'm absolutely sure now that we're complete and we're all happy. the girls love each other and i feel 'done'.

whether or not you should go for it is very hard to say. if i had to do this all over again i really don't know what the answer would be.

it's a difficult one, but i think if you can have an honest discussion about how disappointed he'd be if you didn't, and how much support you'd be able to get with 3 then perhaps there's a compromise in the middle. eg getting a bit of extra help when the baby's born etc.

Turtleshark · 23/11/2011 12:12

I don't think you should do it if you really don't want to, however I'm sure that if you do decide to go ahead, it will be fine.

I have 3, and always wanted another, but DH will not agree. He used to want 4, but after dc2 he changed his mind. I have come to accept we won't have another dc, but would pleased if another arrived by accident! I once thought I was pregnant, and DH's extremely negative reaction made me realise that I didn't want a child that only one of us wanted. Of course he would have accepted that child in time, but still.

I know lots of families where the husband would like another dc but not the wife, and he accepts her decision as she is the one to go through pregnancy etc.

lesley33 · 23/11/2011 12:22

"But, I have never heard of anyone who regretted having a child." I get fed up of that old chestnut. People do regret having kids as a few threads on mumsnet and other places on the internet show. They probably just won't tell anyone.

OP - I have 4 kids. I am glad I had 4 kids. But don't underestimate the extra work it will bring. Yes as others have pointed out, it will mean going back to dealing with a baby and then toddler who is more dependent that your current 2 DCs. But 3 DCs are more work than 2. Balancing what 2 kids want to do and keep then happy is hard enough - this gets a lot harder with 3.

I also think it is easy for the middle child to be overlooked when you have 3. Doesn't always happen, but I have seen it happen a fair few times.

Don't really know what to advise though as there is really no way to "compromise" on this. One of you has to get their own way on this.

ceebeegeebies · 23/11/2011 12:26

Only you can make the final decision - go with whatever your instinct is telling you.

Just to add my experience, my DSis had 3 children and once told me that she did regret having 3 (although obviously she wouldn't be without her DC£) as it was such hard work. She said there is never enough time to spend with each one, 2 parents cannot split themselves 3 ways so 1 child ends up losing out and life is just more difficult.

mumofthreekids · 23/11/2011 12:36

I'm another one who has found the jump from 2 to 3 kids harder than I expected - mine are now aged 2,4 and 6. This was partly because DC3 has been the hardest baby of the 3 of them - a terrible sleeper, and now a very wilful and determined toddler.

Personally I would have regretted not having a third and the knowledge of this helps when I'm finding it hard. My DH wasn't sure though (we were the other way around to you) and I'm positive he doesn't regret it either.

Not sure that helps! Good luck with your decision!

Dirtydishesmakemesad · 23/11/2011 13:15

I think it would be a shame for your dh to regret a child he ddnt have HOWEVER he is not the one who will be pregnant and to me that is a major issue. I have no idea of your circumstances but a friend of mine fostered then adopted an older child (was 4 when they first met) in a similar situation no idea how this sort of idea would go down at your house though!.

For what its worth i am pregnant with dc5 so clearly decided dc3 was a good idea. I didnt find it particularly hard but it does change the dynamic now i have 4 who are 7,5,2 and 1 and am due another in a couple of months i find that i need routines to be set, i need things to be done at set times there is no just winging it through a day. Other than that i am really enjoying it.

differentnameforthis · 23/11/2011 13:22

I have never heard of anyone who regretted having a child

I have. There are plenty...one was my mother. We don't have a relationship now, haven't had any communication for the last 20yrs.

I mean when a child arrives you love it unconditionally and all the hard stuff is worth it

Not always, op....not always.

OP, if you don't want any more children, PLEASE do not do it. I was the third & unplanned. My mum was told that she would love me once I was here, once she held me. She didn't.

People DO regret having children. There are threads on here from parents who do.

sakura · 23/11/2011 13:28

umm... YANBU!
Last time I looked it was women who risked their life and health to bring a child into the world.
It's all very well wanting a baby if you're not the one who is going to push something the size of a watermelon out of a space the size of a ( well I don't know what. A much smaller fruit)

OMFG, the entitlement of men these days.
I just can't believe it!

differentnameforthis · 23/11/2011 13:29

But, I have never heard of anyone who regretted having a child." I get fed up of that old chestnut

Here here (hear hear - never know which one) lesley33

sakura · 23/11/2011 13:29

I'm honestly like this Shock

Is this one of these "equality" things, where men get to say that women and men are equal now so they get equal say in this sort of thing Hmm

Yeah, right. It'll be equal when he can do the watermelon trick himself

sakura · 23/11/2011 13:32

And I feel just as strongly about men who "don't let" their wives have a third child. It's not them that flushed their career down the toilet once they got pregnant with their first. As soon as you get pregnant with your first your career prospects diminish. So then you have a second. Might as well have a third, then the man often decides he doesn't want another one, even though he's managed to continue with his career unhindered. It's a control thing.

differentnameforthis · 23/11/2011 13:33

I have to say that I certainly wouldn't be having a baby I didn't want just because dh wanted more. He sometimes alludes to the fact that another would be nice (hard to tell if he is joking or not) but he knows the score. My body doesn't like being pregnant. I wanted 2, my body has enough physical scars from those 2 pregnancies.

I would only ever put myself (and any possible baby) through what I have been through again if I wanted another baby!

differentnameforthis · 23/11/2011 13:38

I disagree Sakura, I believe a man has every right to decide if he has had enough children. I don't see how it is controlling to say "I don't want any more", if you think it is, then you must feel that OP is being controlling because she doesn't want any more...

MrsTittleMouse · 23/11/2011 13:47

I really wanted a third. Our nickname for our DCs is one for three children. :) But we stuck at two. I don't do pregnancy very well, I have long awkward deliveries, and our babies don't sleep. Having another would have impacted the whole family, and not to the better. Perhaps you do easy pregnancies and easy deliveries and easy babies (in which case I'm Envy!). But my children would have missed out on having a fully engaged Mum for months (which would have coincided with DD1 having some issues at school). I'm glad that we let our heads rule our hearts. I feel that we have the resources (mental, physical, emotional as well as financial) to really support two children, but we would be stretched too thin for three.

Proudnscary · 23/11/2011 13:52

Oh for goodness sake it's nothing to do with equality of sexual politics! It's a decision between two people. OP, how old are you?

Babieseverywhere · 23/11/2011 13:54

I found the change from 1 to 2 much harder than the move from 2 to 3.

TBH number three is the easiest child ever. She never cried, slept every school run for months. Fitted in the family from day one. She is now a delightful 15 months old toddler and her older siblings are 3.5 yo and 5.5 yo (2 year gaps)

Now my first child, much as I love her, as a baby the sleepless night the hours of sling walking to reduce the screaming in the evening. I very nearly didn't go on to have number two !

I think it depends on your new child's personality on how easy/hard things are and of course this won't be revealed until the child is here.

Have you considered stopping TTC until you and your DH are both sure you want to precede...else the decision may be made for you in the interim. Best of luck.

Proudnscary · 23/11/2011 13:56

equality or sexual politics, that should have read

Acanthus · 23/11/2011 13:57

What if it's twins, though? I know two families who went for number three and got number three and number four. They seemed to cope pretty well, mind. Youngest of them all are now ten.

mollythetortoise · 23/11/2011 14:09

I was very keen for 3 children until about 18 months ago - I have an 8 yr old and a 4 year old.
We were discussing whether to start ttc and it suddenly dawned on me that I really didn't want to have a baby again.
My 8 year old is a pleasure, I can take her anywhere but my 4 yr old is still a handful (now at school) and the thought of a baby in the mix is not a pleasurable thought.
I now have no broody feelings whatsoever, and in fact walked past a local nursery this am at 7.30am and saw parents dropping out crying toddlers/babies etc and thought THANK GOD that is not me anymore!

anyway, that's me and my family so not sure how helpful that info has been Grin

SydneyB · 23/11/2011 14:19

This is quite knowing: www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/nov/18/what-thinking-father-third-child
I only have two, have never wanted three - first was very 'easy', second isn't, if I could guarantee the first again maybe I would but jeez, what if I got the second again? :)
YOU have to really want this. At the end of the day that is all there is...

bytheMoonlight · 23/11/2011 14:37

I want three.

I cannot afford three.
We do not have job security atm to even consider three.
I do not have the patience for three.

And yet I still want three.

Head must rule heart though. You know deep down if three is really a good idea. Listen to that voice, trust your instinct.

Fennel · 23/11/2011 14:45

That father in the Guardian article, the one SydneyB linked to, I noticed that article because I might have written that when my 3rd was a baby and we were knee deep in laundry and screaming toddlers. But for us there were a difficult few months when we had 3 very young children (3 in 4 yrs), and then it got progressively easier, these days they are all aged 7-11 and I really don't think it's any harder than 2. Sometimes less, you can send one off to an activity or a friend's, and the ones left behind still have company. All the worst bits of having a 3rd baby were at the start for us, and there were times when I did regret my lovely dd3, but those times were moments, a new baby is hard work whether it's 1, 2, 3 or whatever.

not saying have 3 if you don't want a 3rd, of course. but I don't experience having 3 as one long slog. People from smaller families might look at us and see noise and chaos (just possibly Wink) but I like it.