to try for a third child despite deep reservations?

[JesusChristBenton]

DH really wants a third. I have never been sure. Scared of the chaos, the cost, the impact on our existing two, and oddly obsessed with over population.

But DH is certain. And he is a great hands-on Dad who does as much parenting as I do. If I was desperate for another and he refused I would be very sad and hurt. Why should my negative feelings outweigh his positive?

So I have agreed to try. I am frightened that it's not the right decision for us but I have agreed to try.

AIBU?

You don't always instantly bond with a child and if during the pregnancy you resent the baby/pregnancy/partner for pressuring you into it, there is a good chance you may get PND or have trouble bonding. This happened to me with my second child - I was alone for four months of the pregnancy because I wasn't allowed to travel until baby was born, so I resented being pregnant and felt so disattached to the baby inside me that I actually referred to it as 'the parasite' before it was born. When he did arrive I didn't bond at all and had PND. I was perfectly able to deal with the baby - care for him, cuddle him etc. He was treated exactly like my daughter had been. But the love wasn't there and despite everything I expected, it didn't come. Even now, 5 years on, that bond is not there with my middle child and I could hear him cry and not feel that maternal instinct I get if I hear either of the other two. It is heart breaking for me and I put more effort into making him feel loved than either of the other two, because it is so unnatural to me.

That said, my third child was probably less wanted (a mirena coil baby) and was instantly bonded to me, I could not imagine a life where I do not have him. Three kids isn't harder than 2 either, in my experience. Only thing that is a pain in the butt is fastening seatbelts over three different car seats/boosters in a tight space. The older two look after the younger and play nicely and they all get along great, he completed our family beautifully.

So I am just saying - be careful that if you do get pregnant, you work hard to think positive thoughts rather than negative ones. In case it affects the bond with the baby.

OP, having read your last post admire you v much for even considering a third! Your health is important.

My DC4 (9mths) is my third child after my third baby was stillborn (I hope that makes sense in this context).

My DH had reservations about having number three, obviously it has taken a while and some heartache to have a third baby at home with us but there is not a day that passes without us feeling totally blessed. She has fitted into our life so absolutely perfectly that it is impossible to imagine a time when we were a family of four.

So much so that I think DH would have regretted not having her more than I would have. She is adored by him (and he refuses to remember a time when he was less than certain about another baby)

It was far far easier to go from 2 to 3 than it was to go from 1 to 2.

From looking at and talking to friends who have 3, Id say when it seems to work 'best'' is when the decision to have a 3rd is taken fairly soon after the first two, so that the children are similar ages.

In contrast I have friends who had two close together and then a 3rd 'late' baby when the others were in' school. There was a great post unthread about how the 9-3 part while the older kids are at school feels relatively easy but outside that it's damned hard work, and that seems to be true. Ive also noticed that those age gaps seem to widen as the kids get older- eg you may be able to ferry a newborn around pretty easily with your older kids, but when they become 2 or 3 and you're balancing that with, say, 8 and 10 year olds , the differences seem more marked. Then again a bit later, when the older ones reach teenage years and are more independent, if you have a child of around 7 you're still having to look at babysitters, or planning days out and holidays which suit the big age gap.

We considered three but decided on balance to stick with two, and I wouldnt say we've ever had serious regrets. Well possibly for about half an hour when friends have had a newborn, but even then I'm breathing a sigh of relief that I'm not facing broken nights and tantrums.

I think you need to be 100% sure to take the leap. Ok no one regrets a child once they're here, but it doesn't mean you cant be equally happy with your life with two.

As I say if we'd had 3 it would have had to be close to the first two, and I didn't feel sure I wanted one then, and wouldn't have wanted one years later for the reasons above

DH and I went out to dinner last night and had a long chat about this. I didn't show him the thread but I referred to the advice on here. I told him how after we had DC1 I was so happy and honestly could not remember feeling down for two years after she was born. We agreed those were the simplest happiest years of our lives. I pointed out that when DC2 came along we did both find it harder. We loved her but we felt our hands were really full and there was a lot more snapping etc. He agreed. We talked abt how much more balanced and sane life feels now they are five and three and how DC3 could send us right back to chaos.

I also reminded him how ill I was after DC2 and expressed concern abt further damaging my slightly dodgy kidneys (I didn't mention pelvic floor but I was thinking it!).

Anyway the upshot is that DH said he had not realised how serious my doubts were and he suggested we stop TTC (I think him suggesting it, rather than me, is a big deal). I am 33 and he did say we had abt seven years before the choice is likely to be taken away from us, so I think he still hopes that one day we might decide to go for it, but for now he agrees it's not the best idea.

So thank you for all your help ladies. Let's just hope my period arrives soon!

Fingers crossed for you, whichever way it goes

i have three and it is chaotic at times but wonderful and i wouldn't change it for the world. It's not a logical decision though, hormones have a lot to answer for!! IMO if in your heart of hearts you were sure you wanted another child you wouldn't be worrying about the logistics, you'd just know it was the right thing to do. You'll get to cuddle your best friend's baby before long and see at first hand what it's like having three - i reckon that'll help you 'know' one way or another

It sounds as if you are not ready now and it is good that your DH has listened to you and taken the pressure off.
Just one thought to add if it comes up for you again. I think many of the answers here have been focused on the first couple of years and the work, stress, sleep deprivation, expense etc etc.
But don't forget to think of three adult siblings leading hopefully long and happy lives, each with two others always on their team. The early years are relentless but there are many years after that for your family to enjoy.
Can you tell I regret not having a 3rd child?

In fairness though, most responses focus on the years up to 18 because that's when, as a parent, you have responsibility and some degree of control. Lets face it,'none of us know how the dynamics are going to be once the children become adults. I know a number of adults with several siblings who hardly ever see each other and would find the concept of being on the same 'team' quite bizarre. Not they have necessarily fallen out or anything- just that not all siblings are close or feel they have much in common once they reach adulthood. Equally you can find some smaller families where the siblings remain close.

As I said above though, i don't think its necessarily the broken nights and nappy changing which are the hardest thing- from observing friends who have gone on to have a 3rd after a gap, it's the fact that the children aren't on the 'same page'- they may have a couple of teenagers coming up to exams with all the stress that entails, and then a younger child who has very different needs and routines.

I think 3 can be great- but it seems to make for easier family life when they're close