to try for a third child despite deep reservations?

[JesusChristBenton]

DH really wants a third. I have never been sure. Scared of the chaos, the cost, the impact on our existing two, and oddly obsessed with over population.

But DH is certain. And he is a great hands-on Dad who does as much parenting as I do. If I was desperate for another and he refused I would be very sad and hurt. Why should my negative feelings outweigh his positive?

So I have agreed to try. I am frightened that it's not the right decision for us but I have agreed to try.

AIBU?

Sakura, no need to feel so shocked, did you read ALL my posts? DH is not pushing me into this. He wants it but he is not insisting on it. He would never do that. I am considering it because I think his desires for our family are as important as mine.

I appreciate the points people are making that the woman goes through pregnancy and birth so it cannot be a mutual decision. That is a good point. I am terrible at pregnancy: morning sickness, exhaustion, kidneys leaking protein thoughout, long labours, PPH, transfusions. Then after my last birth my immune system was shot and I spent a year getting every virus going. Raging fevers every few days etc. Oh, and I had mastitis 7 times. Seven courses of ABs in a year.

But to be fair to DH he recognises this and it is a reservation for him. It is the only think that stops him being sure. He does not want to put me though all that again. It does not stop him loving the idea of three though.

Anway, this thread has given me serious food for thought. Thank you.

The fact that you had to ask other people if you should bring another life into this world is proof enough that you aren't ready. This isn't which pair of earrings or can I get a better price else ware -this is creating LIFE! The most sacred gift you have as a female. I beg you go to counseling and openly discuss your feelings with your DH. There will be a resolution. If you work with a counselor then no matter what that, is you will have help dealing with the outcome, and so will he.

Maybe have a third and don't worry too much about taking them swimming and doing lots of "activities", at least for a bit.
I don't remember "activities" when I was a kid (one of 6!)
But really, only you can know in your heart if you want it or not.

different name for this

I think I'm basically repeating what everyone else has said but OP, seriously, if you know in your gut that you do not want another child - dont have one. Its not fair on the child, you, your dh or current children.

I do recognise and understand the position you are in though, and its very difficult when you both have different ideas on how many dc you want but, I suppose, your dh will just have to be content with the 2 you have.

I also think Acanthus makes a really good point - I know a lady who agonised over having "just one more" (after a large gap from her first 2 dc). She had triplets. nuf said. She now tells everyone to be very wary when considering "just one more..."

No one can tell you to have another or not. Everyone has different lifestyles/ coping abilities/ energy levels/ support/ finances/ patience etc

Im going to go completely against the grain here though - for anyone who is expecting number 3 and is now terrified after reading this (bearing in mind that I fully accept that our number 3 is just 5 months old so things may change/ get harder):

I adore having 3. I absolutely love every single last second. Im less stressed and more content since number 3 came along. Ours are (just) 6 years, 22 months and 5 months. I cant possibly imagine "just" having two. I often catch myself smiling to myself when I pass 3 bedrooms with 3 sleeping children.

I dont find it hard - at all. My dh for various reasons (work and an unexpected opportunity) has barely been around since number 3 arrived (not his fault). I've had to do 95% of all childcare/ housework - both day and night. Im back at work (since last week) and have to get 3 out in the mornings on my own - CM and school drop offs and collections etc.. and.I.still.love.it.

Everyones different - dont let this terrify you too much

Barbielovesken I love your post :)

OP I am afraid your last post would be enough for me to say no - if you are going to put your body through all that again, then you need to be 100% sure that you want another baby. That is a lot for your DH to be asking of you (even though you say he has reservations)...

OK, having read your last post, you're not one of the lucky ones who breezes through pregnancy and delivery. :(

I would seriously consider the impact that going through all that again will have on your two older children. How much support will you get? Can your DH take time off work easily? Do you have parents who are retired, but healthy enough to really help out with your older children, and who live locally?

I'd also consider the impact that this will have on you - your physical and mental health. You are a vital part of your family. You shouldn't have to put your long term wellbeing at risk. If you really wanted a third, then I can understand that you might think that it was worth it - but you don't!

Final point - the chances of a multiple birth increase as you get older. 2% of teenage mothers have twins, compared to 20% of women over 45.

I've just read that article that Sydney linked too and just wanted to say that i could have wrote that article after i've had any one of my babies but from where I am now I wouldn't change things a bit.

Barbielovesken

Thank you! It's all good. I am used to life without her, so no longer miss her. I do miss the mother I think I deserve, but I have a truly wonderful MIL who treats me no differently to her own daughter, which is good for me :)

After reading your last post OP, I would agree with those who are edging towards a no... I suffered terribly in both pregnancies (pre eclampsia, spd, carpal tunnel, etc) & I recognise that I just cannot do pregnancy. My final choice is always based on "what to my daughters need more, a new sibling or a healthy mother" because I do not know what happen to my body next time & am not prepared to risk it.

YANBU. I don't want a third child, and would refuse.

jesuschristbenton - am only commenting on this thread really because I like your username so much. That video has had me laughing out loud at odd moments all week.

I have no idea what you should do. But I would be slightly wary of people who say things like "you never regret having a child". You might do. Maybe the pregnancy will be really difficult, the child will be born with some terrible genetic condition or something. Sorry, I have a tendency to look on the bright side:-) Also, I know someone who was umm-ing and aah-ing about a third pregnancy, got pregnant half by accident, and ended up with twins.

I know what you mean about three older children though. The thought of having a big family of older children is delightful. It's the thought of those pre-school years that's a bugger.

Agree with hack mum

The whole "no-one ever regrets having a child" needs to be crossed through with a big fat permanent marker and replaced with "no-one ever admits to regretting having a child" so take that out of the equation.

Personally, I'm a believer in gut feel, and I do tend to think that once a couple have a child, the person who doesn't want another one gets the casting vote, be they male or female.

Interesting to see a thread from the other perspective ie. it's not the woman wanting a third child but the man... Makes me realise that as much as I want a third, my dh's opinion is just as valid, so it's a no then. Or in your case OP, your dh's opinion is just that, a wish. If you feel you have reservations, don't do it. How would he feel if to get that third child he wants you'd seriously compromise your health?

'no one regrets having a child' Yes in terms of loving your child, but there's more to life than just adoring your offspring. I am pretty aware of people saying their third little darling has had quite an impact on the whole family (cars, holidays, money, swimming, chaos, being outnumbered...).

Having had a terrible week with two sick children, a dh with man flu, and myself also feeling rotten, I did wonder if we should have stopped at none...

Sorry, it's all been said... my brain is very slow today

A friend has a great saying which is "once you have your third child you lose the potential for man-to-man marking"

Like Giraffes, I would probably lean towards three, but DH only wants two (was the "middle one" of three and hated it) , and I'm not convinced enough about the third one to push it.

I really wanted a third baby and although my dp probably would have preferred not to, he was absolutely fine and ds3 was planned.

It is much harder than two, but i think that may be my circumstances. I work almost full time. I had a big gap between 1 and 2 so that was a doddle. 2 and 3 are smaller gaps so i have found it harder work as both very dependent on me due to their ages. Having two little ones at home is more difficult than one! It takes me bloody ages to get out and about.

Agree with the poster that said after school times is the hardest! Absolutely. From when my eldest comes home from school till about 8pm (at least)its full on. uNPACKING BAGS,putting double pushchair away, coats, shoes everywhere. Homework, trying to cook dinner, wash up, bathtime, stories, tidying up. Nightmare most days!!!

I don't regret it though, and even though I barely have any time for myself I am even considering a 4th. Then again, I totally have the mindset that you don't regret having a child, but you certainly might regret not.

I posted up thread about this and have come back to read further posts. I have to say it is quite refreshing to read so many honest replies; usually the the threads on here about a possible third child are full of breezy ooh-go-for-it-it's-all-wonderful type responses.

I have taken comfort from Fennel's post, and want a bit of what BarbielovesKen is on!

What programme is Jesus Christ Benton from?

N.B Benton is actually Fenton as confirmed by the owner

it's interesting to read a thread where the dh wants another but the mother isn't sure, threads where it's the other way round seem to have been a bit hairy and there seem to have been a lot of them recently.

i am 1 of 3 kids and now have 3. i've always been more than happy with the idea because it's how i grew up so it's what i'm used to. i love having more than 1 sibling - the family support we get particularly as older kids/adults has been really worth it for me, i'm not bothered at all by the lack of material things my parents worried we missed out on due to tighter finances.

I'd write out your pros and cons of having a third and your pros and cons of not. I would use that maybe to help discussion with your dh, but I think the final decision should be yours and if your gut says no, then listen to it.

If you have any ongoing health issues from pregnancy and childbirth remember they can worsen at menopause as the hormones change (ie incontinence and pelvic floor weakness). So if you have difficult pregnancies and hard births I would have that as a serious con of ttc - there is a real risk in having children and I know of people with destroyed sexual, bladder and bowel functions that will never be fully fixed.

The twins being more likely when older is a fact, as others have mentioned, as is the standard unknown of what any child might need that might be different to the norm due to disability.

I also agree people do regret having a child, or children, and it is a nightmare of guilt and regret that can never be undone. The child is inevitably damaged and I don't think you can just jolly yourself along for 18+ years without it affecting their wellbeing enormously.

Could the reason why we never hear about the parents who regretted having another DC be because it is a taboo subject??

I mean...to say you don't want another child before you are pregnant is acceptable.
To say you regret having another DC after you have had the child is not something I'd imagine the majority of parents would admit to, even if they did feel that way.

I'm quite confident that there are many more than we suspect there is though.

Oh I feel for you OP - the choice to have a 3rd baby is scary and unchartered ground. My first and second DC were planned and then we had a surprise with our third - it was hard work but all worked out well.

Then 8 years later I got pregnant again and was sideswiped as I was on the pill and it was the last thing we expected - anyway DC4 was born and he was utterly captivating and we decided to try for another baby so that DC4 would not be alone as he had nothing on common with his older siblings - got number 5 and my god it was hard work but battled through and then lo and behold I get pregnant again after contraception malfunction AND the morning after pill with twins - I didn't find that out til my booking in scan discovered that it was a twin pregnancy but I had one live baby and one gestastional sac with a yolk but no adnexal pole??

Anyhoo I've had a few drinkies tonight and rambling wildly - only you can make the leap from 2 to 3 and you have to do that on your terms - if you feel you won't be able to cope, don't do it

Best of luck lovey x

Wow Cadetdevilcat! OP probably gone white as sheet reading that.

Thanks bythemoonlight.

Dh and I were always set on having 3. There is 11 months between ds and dd so we thought we would leave it a few years.
A friend of mine recently had her 3rd child as a result dh is on the waiting list for the snip.
We noticed how much she was missing out interacting with her older two, it didnt effect them in any way, as they are older they were happy to be doing their own thing. But it just made us decide we are happy with the two monsters we have and will use our extra energy to annoy them when they dont want us around when they are older!
So I think it really needs to be a joint decision, ask dh to wait awhile as you may wake up one day and be certain you do want another or he may not!