Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to try for a third child despite deep reservations?

109 replies

JesusChristBenton · 22/11/2011 22:23

DH really wants a third. I have never been sure. Scared of the chaos, the cost, the impact on our existing two, and oddly obsessed with over population.

But DH is certain. And he is a great hands-on Dad who does as much parenting as I do. If I was desperate for another and he refused I would be very sad and hurt. Why should my negative feelings outweigh his positive?

So I have agreed to try. I am frightened that it's not the right decision for us but I have agreed to try.

AIBU?

OP posts:
marriedinwhite · 23/11/2011 08:17

OP - I had five pgs, three births and have two children who are now teenagers. All those years ago I wasn't brave enough to try one more time for the third child we both wanted. As each year passes (and it is impossible now) I regret it more and more. I cannot put myself in your place but being married is a partnership and if your dh is a fantastic dad and this is something he really wants and you enjoy being a mummy, isn't it something that could be a positive for all of you. The hard work days are over very quickly with hindsight. We have two perfect young people but my greatest fear is that something could happen to one of them (silly I know) and that one will be left without a sibling.

Callisto · 23/11/2011 08:19

I think that people do regret having a first/second/third child, but it would be social suicide to admit that. I can remember at least two threads on MN where the mother was at her absolute wits end due to having a child she didn't really want - and the guilt involved in that was crippling.

OP - I actually think your partner is being quite selfish in his insistance that your family can't be complete unless you have three children. What would happen if you decide to go ahead and can't conceive? How would he deal with that? I think ultimately the decision is yours and while normally I would say that it is better to regret doing something than to regret not doing something - when it comes to having children I think the opposite applies.

Also, (and I only have one so only see from the outside) I know several 3 child families and the amount of chaos, noise and cost is much, much more than having two children. The mothers seem to be constantly frazzled and forgetful. Good luck with whatever you decide, but don't be bullied or guilted into doing something you don't want to do.

youtalkintome · 23/11/2011 08:39

I am expecting bay no 3 any day. I had a massive panic when i found out i was pregnant, i have the same age gap as yours and worry about all of the things you have mentioned. Life is easier at the minute and why would i want to make it any harder. I'm worried about the toddler years which i found difficult but so far this pregnancy has been a breeze, clearly natures way of helping me feel more positive and my other 2 are so excited.

DD will be 7 soon and i'm sure she will be an amazing help she has been brilliant with ds when i've been tired. I am really excited now about having a snuggly newborn for Christmas and it feels a bit like getting to have dc1 again with the benefit of hindsight, 1 is easier than 2 but first time around you don't know that. This time i get to have that one at home again. The way my Dh put it to be is that you can never regret a baby once it's here however if you have difficult pregnancies you may resent that part, it's hard work. I still have what have i done days but on the whole i'm much more chilled out than i was when i had the other 2.

youtalkintome · 23/11/2011 08:40

*baby

Original poster
JesusChristBenton · 23/11/2011 08:42

Again all good advice.

I feel I should come to my DH's defence on one point. He would never bully me into this. He is not insisting. He is happy to discuss and ultimately if I told him I could not do it he would understand. I agreed to try because I could see the hope on his face and the joy the idea of number three brings him is huge. He is one of three, his sister has three, three is normal and perfect for him. I however am one of one.

OP posts:
SardineJam · 23/11/2011 08:43

DP is the youngest of a set of three [there is a fourth but he was born 11 years after DP]. MIL admits that she doesn't remember much of DP's childhood because she was always so pulled and busy with the older two, DP has said due to this he always felt lonely and still has hang-ups about how he was 'ignored' or rather not shown enough attention and there is still a lot of jealousy of the elder two

youtalkintome · 23/11/2011 08:50

But you can't base your decision on what other people felt of their position in a family, I am one of 2 and would prefer 3 dh is one 0f 3 with very close age gap and is indifferent, DM is one of 3 that didn't get along, DN is an only child who longs for a sibling. The number only has a small part to play, personality, age gap, finances, parent time all have so much more to play.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 23/11/2011 08:55

I found going from 1 to 2 much harder than going from 2 to 3.

Thing is OP you are never going to be 'sure' until you do it.

Which doesnt help really does it - sorry Smile

abbeylockhart · 23/11/2011 09:41

Can dh not quit work and become the ft carer?

Is he that committed to having a 3rd?

Original poster
JesusChristBenton · 23/11/2011 09:49

Abbey - both DH and I work. I would take 9 months maternity because I would expect to be breastfeeding. After that we would be as we are now: both working, DH getting the kids to schools, a nanny employed to take care of pre-schoolers and after school pick-ups/clubs etc, me getting home for bed time routine.

OP posts:
Scholes34 · 23/11/2011 09:53

I feel the same as MrsDeVere. Yes, it's hard work and I don't get much me time, but the children love to have each other and that makes me happy.

Find hotel accommodation for a family of five, finding family tickets that include three children, finding competitions to win a family holiday for five is also hard work.

I'm one of two and DH is one of two. I think our parents were a bit taken aback when DC3 arrived. Where we now live, having three or four children seems to be the norm.

abbeylockhart · 23/11/2011 09:59

In that case i dont think the jump to 3 would be as bad for you as a ft sahm.

How much will dh/ the nanny do when you're on mat leave? Tbh i think as long as you have someone else to get the older 2 up and out in the am, leaving you to sleep in/ bf, then the rest will be easy for you. Does dh get back early enogh in eves to be taxing the older 2 to clubs in eves in 2yrs time?

IloveJudgeJudy · 23/11/2011 10:04

We also have three, now 17, 15 and 13. It was hard work at times, I can't deny, but we love being a family of 5. It's hard to get people to help you out when there are three rather than 2, but we don't regret it at all.

I don't think anyone can advise you what to do. All I would say is it's better to regret something you've done rather than something you didn't do. The time when DC are dependent is so relatively short - a couple/few years and then there's all the rewards. Where we live, having 2 is the norm. We're the only ones in our circle who have three. I have 3 bros, one has 3, one has 2 and one 1 child. DH has a bro who has 2 and a sis who has 5! Scholes is right about family usually taken to be 2 + 2.

Good luck with whatever you decide. As I said above, it really is the first few years that are hard, after that I won't say it's plain sailing, but the DC become more independent and before you know it, they'll have left home.

starryeyed1 · 23/11/2011 10:06

My third is now 2, she was a much wanted child and is adored in our house. Smile I do understand that your DH wants another child and you don't want to hurt hime, however it is you that will be pregnant and go through the birth (prehaps breastfeeding?) and therefore I personally think the final descion lies with you.

As muc has we love DD3, life would be much easier, simplier and cheaper withou her and I think you really have to want another. Having said that you probably won't regret having another. We are going to try for number four within 12 months! Smile

An0therName · 23/11/2011 10:14

Hmm-how old are your other kids -if 2nd is less than 2 I would wait a bit - that might help
I think you need to talk a bit more about what it would mean - assume there is room in your house and it wouldn't have a massive problem financially.
I think its also what you imagine as a family - all my friends who were 1 of 3 wanted 3 - some have had 3 some havn't - its been fine either way
And I agree as you have to do the preganacny and birth etc you do have the final call - and although you say your DH is a hand on dad which is great -who does all the organising - etc sorting the household, school home work, sorting the nanny etc - in my experience that almost always fall more on the woman

lottielou39 · 23/11/2011 10:16

oh dear. I'm 39 weeks pregnant with number 3 and some of the replies on here have put the fear into me!
I was one of three girls growing up (and am coincidentally expecting our third girl) and loved having two siblings. My husband was one of three also. I've always felt that three was our number. It's important that YOU want this though, probably more important than what he wants because it's you who'll be doing the pregnancy, breastfeeding, maternity leave etc. And no matter how hands on a Father is, it's usually the Mother who ends up with the majority of the care, both on a practical and emotional level. Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Dozer · 23/11/2011 10:18

Your DH may be a hands-on dad, but you're a SAHM and will be doing much more of the work.

Would be V hard for you to return to work with 3.

A recent study showed that families with 2 DC were happier than those with three or more, because of factors such as time pressure, more sibling rivalry etc.

A close family member who is a SAHM sometimes regrets having a third, not the DC, who is lovely, but the impact on the whole family and especially on her and the littlest one, who gets v little attention.

nowwearefour · 23/11/2011 10:18

i really really wouldnt try for another. if you BOTH dont want this child, it could tear your family apart. p;letny of couples have one within them that doesnt get the number of children tehy would ideally like. i think your dh should be the one to learn to live with the 2 wonderful dcs he already has. it is just the hardest thing to do to raise a child and if you arent sure, then i would -at beest- wait. you might feel more able to do this in a few years. i just really dont think you should do this.

Scholes34 · 23/11/2011 10:20

Life would certainly be easier, simpler, cheaper without DC3, but it's much richer with him.

It's a personal decision for you OP. Everyone's different and brings up their family in their own way.

Dozer · 23/11/2011 10:21

Oh sorry, you're not a SAHM and already have a nanny. So that side of things may be OK then, if the cost of the nanny stays similar for three!

wigglesrock · 23/11/2011 10:22

As I said in previous posts - what do you want? Grin Hang the finances - I did, the other two will be fine - mine love their little sister with a capacity and gentleness that I didn't think they had in them. My only concern is that I knew deep down that I wanted a third and probably even a fourth but you aren't sure - that to me is the knub of it all. Regardless of what's best for anyone else - do you actually want another child?

Dozer · 23/11/2011 10:24

Just seen though that the "research" was done by bounty, so may be a load of bollocks!

Scholes34 · 23/11/2011 10:33

Dozer it is bollocks. My family combination is 8th on the list. Our family is definitely happier than Andrew and Sarah's, though they probably have less trouble getting hotel accommodation than ours. Our solution is to camp.

juneau · 23/11/2011 10:36

Not much to add really, other than I really wouldn't be trying for a child I wasn't sure I wanted. I think you, as the mother and the one who has to be pregnant and give birth, gets the casting vote. I know marriage is a partnership, but I'm worried that you feel pressurised to try NOW because of the school and your friend thing, when what you may well need is a bit more breathing space to think about this.

Swipe left for the next trending thread