To just give up now?

[Turtleshark]

With my 11 year old DS that is.

I feel like I can't take any more. It sounds terrible but I've been dreaming of the day he leaves home. He wakes up, starts shouting at everyone in the house, refuses to get dressed, wash, eat, clean teeth, put on suncream and be ready on time.

Then he comes home from school, shouts some more, hits his sisters if they come near him, refuses to do homework, complains about dinner, refuses to take a shower and go to bed.

We have tried everything. We are not unreasonable people - we are fairly strict but flexible but nothing works. I have stayed calm, shouted, used reward charts, everything. He has pretty much always been like this.

Now I've had enough. We are all sick of his temper and constant negativity and the house has a better atmosphere when he's not there. I can't be bothered fighting and I've told him it's HIS responsibility to be ready for school, do homework, put on suncream etc. He knows about skin cancer and says he doesn't care.

AIBU?

Anyone else with a child like this and what did you do?

Fabby - Autistic Spectrum Disorders are NOT a result of bad parenting. There is a proven genetic link, and a lot of my family members ALSO have been diagnosed with ASD's. My Uncle was diagnosed with Aspergers as an adult, after completing TWO degrees at Oxford University - one in pure mathematics and another in applied mathematics.

My brother was diagnosed with Aspergers when he was 7yo. He is now 21yo and doing a Degree in Natural Science at UEA.

My DD was diagnosed with HFA when she was 4yo, and my 8yo was diagnosed with ASD when he was 5yo. My DS1 is fine although has some Aspie traits. DS3 seems OK but he is only 9mo. DS2 I almost expected a diagnosis of asd, given the fact that I have a HUGE family history of it AND his father had a diagnosis of autism when he was 12yo.

swanriver - it WAS a change to the routine - DS1 is normally at his dad's overnight on a Wednesday, and Ex-H normally takes him to his tuition, but we swapped days this week as it was Ex-H's birthday yesterday... (Ex-H is DS1's dad but not my other 3 dc's dad).

Had a rather crappy day all told, just for trying to be nice to my idiot of an Ex-H...

It's not even an every week thing - it was a one-off!

I thought Asd from the original post! Glad I wasnt the only one.
It's a huge spectrum and he sounds like a mix of my two little girls who both have autism.
Hope you get some help soon.

I think Suburb has a good suggestion, Rescue Remedy is fantastic.

Also yoga, especially the breathing exercises.

Lots more helpful suggestions, thanks everyone. It gives me a lot to think about - I'm going to print this thread off so I can refer to it. I really appreciate those of you who are going through similar issues taking the time to post.

Obviously I can't say categorically that the moving around has not affected DS in a bad way, but what can we do? I've always encouraged the dcs to tell me how they feel each time we have to move. DD1 will get very upset about leaving a place while at the same time liking the new place. DS has always said he's fine with moving, but I guess we won't really know until much later. It's hard to explain, but because they are living in a world where people constantly come and go, it seems normal and fine to them.

I should clarify that DS does not always hit his sisters - he sometimes does but a lot of it is more shouting at them for nothing (DD2 in particular), annoying them, not knowing to leave them alone etc. I don't tolerate anything more than normal sibling bickering, but obviously the effect on them does worry me. I also worry about screwing DS up because I've occasionally lost it with him.

In answer to what am I doing for me - I have a few hours peace evey day when the dcs are at school, which is great. DH will happily take them somewhere on weekends if I ask.

I think leaving the homework was the right thing to do the other day - he said he was kept in at playtime to do it, and yesterday came home and did his homework without much fuss. It took much longer than it should have, but that was because he was dreaming a lot, but not shouting at least.

I do think routine helps - he is probably worse during school holidays as there is less routine. Also little things like I noticed he protests more about suncream if I mention it before he puts shoes on. For some reason he wants to do shoes before suncream, which is fine, now I have realised.

All I can say is that I told my parents moving around was fine, but that was only because I wasn't old enough to analyse or articulate the way it made me feel deep down.

I remember telling my mum I had headaches all the time -- but they weren't really headaches, it was more that my head was bursting with some kind of stress but I didn't know how to describe it.

It's asking a lot of children to constantly adjust to new environments, new friends, new schools. Some children are more adaptable and flexible and will do fine, but those that aren't may really struggle.

I could be off base but maybe it's not a question of autism, maybe it's just a naturally more rigid child put into a situation of constant change, and reacting against it -- perhaps by becoming very controlling over those things that he feels he does have some control over.

I know you are very frustrated with him, but I have to say, I feel very sorry for him. He sounds terribly sad and frustrated, and it's coming out as anger, perhaps because he feels that no one really understands (as we all feel when we're really down!)

Obviously you shouldn't tolerate his rudeness, but maybe it would help to really listen to him more, and to try to put yourself in his perspective.

I also think that if you think you might have to move again in the next six years, you should really consider boarding school so he has some stability for the teen years. The worst move DH had was when he was 15, it was quite traumatic for him and wrecked his relationship with his parents for a long time.

I feel sorry for him in that it must feel awful to be so angry all the time. That's how I think of it when my brother has got me at my wit's end anyway :) But I also feel for you and your DH and DDs...it is so tiring to deal with every day.

It's good the school has done that so he is aware of the consequences. With my student at school, I just set the timer for X amount of minutes when she is having a meltdown over work and say "this is how much time you have for this job. How you spend your time is up to you. Any work not done in this time will be done at recess," and then just repeat "how you spend your time is up to you, but time spent screaming and having a tantrum is time wasted," any time she starts up again.

Also praise, praise, praise anything he does right or nicely. Ignore any bad behavior you can, and crack down hard on what you can't, I guess.

Yes that's pretty much what we do. At home there is no tv or anything until homework is done. I remind him about that, and say that if he gets it done quickly he will have more time to do what he wants, but not sure how much difference it makes, yet. He seems to have a poor grasp of time although getting better. I would say overall he's getting better at accepting consequences too. Actually I feel he's quite immature in general, and hope some of this will come later.

Hi Turtleshark, I just wanted to suggest you have a look at www.parentchannel.tv/, which is a great website with lots of video clips looking at different aspects of parenting children. Some of the advice comes from experts, but there are also lots of parents featured talking about their own experiences. I find it really useful. It has things like "I don't like my child", "Resolving Disagreements" and "Understanding early teens" which might be useful to you.

If you can't access the videos on the website (I think there might be some UK restrictions), you should be able to access the videos via .

Thanks, I will look at that.

You sound like you are open to everything and doing the best you can. :) Good for you, it will get better!

One of my sisters has been like that all her life (she is mellowing a bit 40+). The thing is, while my parents did everything to support her, the larger world obviously did not have the same attitude. She is not working and has a broken marriage. It is sad because she is smart and talented.

I think helping your DS find ways of dealing with his anger would be more helpful than lots of praise etc. The outside world may, may not praise him or provide the environment you do, and he still needs to function successfully out there.

My sis 'discovered' yoga a couple of years back and it really helps calm and stabilize her. Natural remedies are fantastic. Both these will help your ds have control over his moods, rather than relying on the 'right' environment.

Fab - I have seen you say on here that you struggle to empathise with others and I thought when I read that that you had a lot of insight into your own personality, maybe more than most people do. Maybe you could also think about how your comments here might have affected the OP and whether it might have been better for her had you chosen to read the thread but not post. You can see that many posters have disagreed with you.

I wish MNHQ would hurry up with that "hide poster" hide FabbyChick button.
FFS. If you know you have issues with empathy, why post on a thread like this?

"then you are going to have to get outside help from a therapist"

i think that should be the first step TBH. If he is always likes this and always has been it isn't because he likes to be a bully, it's because he doesn;t know how else to be.

BTW I wondered about autism too.

maryz - I hadn't thought of that. Oh well :o

We moved a lot when I was little. My mother maintains we were absolutely fine with it and loved starting new schools etc, and it has made us tremendously confident etc. Perhaps it has in part, but we also knew it was something we had absolutely no choice about so there was no point complaining.

My husband and I have lived in the same house for 12 years, the longest I have lived anywhere in my life by a considerable factor. There is a reason for this.