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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just give up now?

147 replies

Turtleshark · 21/11/2011 23:30

With my 11 year old DS that is.

I feel like I can't take any more. It sounds terrible but I've been dreaming of the day he leaves home. He wakes up, starts shouting at everyone in the house, refuses to get dressed, wash, eat, clean teeth, put on suncream and be ready on time.

Then he comes home from school, shouts some more, hits his sisters if they come near him, refuses to do homework, complains about dinner, refuses to take a shower and go to bed.

We have tried everything. We are not unreasonable people - we are fairly strict but flexible but nothing works. I have stayed calm, shouted, used reward charts, everything. He has pretty much always been like this.

Now I've had enough. We are all sick of his temper and constant negativity and the house has a better atmosphere when he's not there. I can't be bothered fighting and I've told him it's HIS responsibility to be ready for school, do homework, put on suncream etc. He knows about skin cancer and says he doesn't care.

AIBU?

Anyone else with a child like this and what did you do?

OP posts:
flatbread · 22/11/2011 10:22

If he is ok in a structured school environment, would boarding school be an option?

Maryz · 22/11/2011 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

northernwreck · 22/11/2011 10:50

This was my middle brother OP.
Exactly what you describe, although not always angry, he was seemingly unable to get along with the rest of the family.
He was ok at school, and had friends, but like others have said only on his own terms, would not wash, do homework, help with chores.
He hated me and bullied me constantly, fought like cat and dog with my older sister, and hated hated hated my mum,(his step mum) who he blamed for everything.
He is a very intelligent person, but could not seem to make the connection between his contrary and obstructive behaviour, and the lack of trust and harmony in his family life.
It did get more difficult as he got older (and bigger). He went to Uni, but dropped out and ended up living with my parents for years, where he refused to help at all in the house, and barely washed.
I know he was assessed by a psychologist at school, but not sure what the conclusion was.(I was younger)
He did have obsessional interests, which saved him really, as he became involved in groups and as such had a social life, related to his interests.
When I first learned of AS, and found out some of the traits, I thought "ah!" and it made sense.
I refer to him in the past tense because he moved a long way away years and years ago, and I haven't seen him since.

Please get your son diagnosed-and don't get into shouting matches.
I agree with the poster who said dial it down and try and keep things as mellow as possible, pick your battles, find out what he is really interested in (i bet there is something) and let him bore your socks off about it.
Then it may be easier to connect with him. Not saying he doesn't need discipline-he does,( in fact I often thought my bro would have done better in the army), but shouting won't help.
Long post-sorry!

Original poster
Turtleshark · 22/11/2011 10:59

Mary that does ring a few bells. He is very much the "ideas person" among his friends, and just won't join in anything if he doesn't fancy the activity. Same with sports - he is actually very athletic and could do very well but we've had no luck with any team sports. He quite enjoys running and can swim quite well but that took a LOT of determination on my part.

I will go and look at those links now.

Northernwreck I am not convinced we need to just get DS diagnosed with something - there is no support where we are anyway, however your information and any strategies I can find for understanding and supporting are very helpful.

Have not considered boarding school at all - I would feel like it's for my benefit the way things have become!

He has now come inside and picked up his homework so that is a good outcome, I feel, for today. He must be hungry, he completely missed dinner. The dds are watching tv as they have finished homework and eaten dinner but so so far he has not tried to join them.

OP posts:
northernwreck · 22/11/2011 11:07

Sorry turtle, that was sort of assuming-it's just that I can't help feeling like if my brother had been properly diagnosed and helped, or even if we as a family had known more about what was really wrong with him, we would have coped better.

SwedishKaz · 22/11/2011 11:10

It really sounds like hell to live like this.
I wonder if the reason he's behaving like this is because of Asperger's, and if it is, it must be easier to actually know this? You can then read up on it and get support from other parents in the same situation.
I do wish you luck.

Original poster
Turtleshark · 22/11/2011 11:11

No problem Grin

(have had a glass of wine now...)

I think knowing there's a reason for his behaviour all these years would help, however beyond that, what's the advantage of a diagnosis?

That should maybe be another thread....!

OP posts:
Original poster
Turtleshark · 22/11/2011 11:12

Thanks SwedishKaz.

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 22/11/2011 11:15

It sounds like you are stuck in some sort of repetitive groove. Can you take him away on your own for a bit, for 1:1 time, and see how his behaviour goes then? Say a long weekend somewhere nice? You can then chat to him on his own a lot, reboot your relationship, and find out if this is clinical or developmental. School might let him have a day off for this if you explain your difficulties.

Slightlyreluctantexpat · 22/11/2011 11:15

OP, are your DCs in an international school? Do you have access to any kind of support where you are?

I'm in SE Asia and my DCs are in an international school and I have been very impressed with the support that DC4 has been given for her dyslexic tendencies (that were only picked up and diagnosed here, when we were encouraged to have her assessed by an educational psychologist who visits the school from time to time). We've been here a year.

A child in the UK with an AS diagnosis would have support, and strategies, in place at school. Could that happen where you are? I am no expert. I just know about it because of one of DC3's friends at the time.

Original poster
Turtleshark · 22/11/2011 11:21

BoffinMum I plan to make time for more things like that. I was planning a cinema trip on Friday with the dcs however part of me feels like this should be a treat and partly dependent on behaviour during the week! Maybe I could take him on his own, when we've had a good day? He says he's planning a day off anyway tomorrow - we'll see about that....

Slightlyreluctantexpat there is really nothing where we are - in fact DH feels that any diagnosis would just be a problem in getting into other schools in the future.

OP posts:
Heleninahandcart · 22/11/2011 11:22

OP this must be so hard for you. The constant anxiety about what mood he will be in, the shouting, the thrashing about, the relentless rudeness. Whether he is diagnosed with something or not, you do still need some appropriate strategies to help make life more bearable for all of you. Diagnosis would of course help with this, even if there is no formal professional help nearby. This has to be a priority, it would be worth getting on that plane to see if you find out anything. Maybe you are covered for family costs of this type under your DH's contract?

Heleninahandcart · 22/11/2011 11:27

DH feels that any diagnosis would just be a problem in getting into other schools in the future.

Yes, you do realise though that if he continues like this as he gets older he may be asked to leave other schools in the future anyway, a diagnosis in state school may actually help. With private school this would be very swift. Something else to deal with I know, but this will be the reality unless something gets sorted.

Heleninahandcart · 22/11/2011 11:28

Meant in private school they could insist he leave very easily.

Original poster
Turtleshark · 22/11/2011 11:31

I would have to check the medical insurance about that. Thanks for your kind words.

He says homework is finished.Shock I said ok great, now please go up and take a shower. He went!

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 22/11/2011 11:35

Just hang out with him and try to enjoy him a bit. That would be a start. Don't make him earn nice treats with you at the moment.

In terms of getting a diagnosis, pay a posh guy on the strict instructions that no data is shared with schools unless you say so. That is allowed, you know.

BoffinMum · 22/11/2011 11:39

I think he may just feel it's all a bit of a daily grind at the moment, so Saturday could be:

Brunch out.
Shopping for something little but fun for him - fun t-shirt, comics, Forbidden Planet visit, whatever.
Cinema - film you both fancy seeing. Kids snack box offered before he has to ask. Otherwise swimming where there are water slides, or bowling can be good trips.
Hot chocolate afterwards, bit of a natter.
Saunter home with no pressure as to when you have to get there.

Then repeat trip with other kids in turn on other weekends so it's fair.

boschy · 22/11/2011 11:42

You mentioned the possibility of dyslexia. I know 2 children whose behaviour caused similar problems to what you are describing. Getting a diagnosis of dyslexia for both proved a major breakthrough, because it meant they no longer thought they were thick for not being able to do what other children can do; and with the right strategies in place, they were both able to cope with the impact of all those words, instructions, orders, noise etc etc that make life difficult to cope with.

It's hard to describe, but dyslexia is not 'just' about finding reading/writing/spelling difficult, its about finding it hard to process stuff that other people dont even have to think about - and that's exhausting.

Original poster
Turtleshark · 22/11/2011 11:54

Helen I see what you are saying but I know people who have had dcs refused into international school because of a diagnosis. As BoffinMum says, any future diagnosis will not be shared with school.

BoffinMum that sounds like the kinds of things we do/would do, bearing in mind that there is next to nothing where we live - there is a small cinema but you go and see what is on, not necessarily what you fancy! No good shopping at all, but a few places to go and eat.

Swimming - (whispers) - we have a pool in our garden....

Indeed boschy we are considering dyslexia and I've been in touch with a friend who has expertise in this area. Anything helps I guess. He is certainly a bright boy.

OP posts:
JuliaScurr · 22/11/2011 11:56

This situation sounds really tough; hope you're all OK. Have you tried youngminds.co.uk? I found them very helpful, as did the friend who recommended them. Good luck!

betabaker · 22/11/2011 11:57

OP, nowhere have you said anything about physical affection - when your DS is calm, does he come for hugs, do you kiss him goodnight etc? Just wondering, it's not clear how much of a 'touchy' family you are, but maybe you give off different vibes with your DDs?

Maryz · 22/11/2011 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Turtleshark · 22/11/2011 12:15

Thanks for the link Julia, will check that out.

Betabaker yes he can be really affectionate, actually more so than the dds, when he is not angry of course. He flips from hugging me and telling me "I love you so much" to shouting that I am not his mother anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Turtleshark · 22/11/2011 12:22

Mary I would never do that, thanks for taking the time to share your knowledge, it's actually very helpful. While I'm not sure he has a lot of AS tendencies, there are definitely a few alarm bells ringing, and like you say, information which helps me as a parent can only be good thing.

So he's gone up to get ready for bed, he had some bread as he missed dinner, and something is written in his homework book, although I can't believe how long it took him to write such a small amount. I know he can do so much better, but it has to be his homework.

OP posts:
WhyAlwaysBoris · 22/11/2011 12:26

Turtleshark your description of your son's behaviour could well have been a description of me at that age. I was very very unhappy and angry about things and i didn't know how to express it. I had lots of other issues too.

I don't know what the solution is for your son, as it could be so many things, but just wanted to tell you that when i look back to my teenage years now i am so amazed and so grateful that my parents loved me regardless. They really were amazing, even if i didn't know it then.One day your son will realise how much it must have cost you to be such a good mum to him.