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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop looking after my friends children even though I know it will cause her huge problems

127 replies

pingu2209 · 21/11/2011 13:02

I have 3 children aged 8, 6 and 4. My friend's children are 8 and 2. They are not naughty rude or cheeky but they come from a house with different rules to my own.

My friend drops off her children at 7.30am and I walk the older one to school and younger one to nursery after school drop off. I have to take my 3 to school anyway so when I made the offer I didn't think it would be much bother for me.

My friend is very grateful and I am pleased to help her get back into work as she was on benefits before. However, her work starts at 8am and the breakfast club/nursery starts at 8am too - so she can't drop off and get to work on time. This is why I am looking after her children for her. I do it for free, I am her friend and don't want any money.

Except I am finding it really hard with 5 children in the morning. That hour between 7.30 and 8.30, when we leave the house, is manic. I feed all 5 children toast, and have to ensure they leave the house on time.

The thing that makes it hard is two fold. Firstly the 2 year old needs help getting his shoes and coat on and I have to watch him to check he is okay. He regularly cries if he has an extremely minor knock etc. Of course after 3 children of my own I should have realised this, except I clearly have a short memory! I find it really hard when I am so busy getting everything else done, to have to ensure he is okay. This sounds terrible as I read it back to myself, how intollerant am I?!

Secondly, they have very different rules in their house and it is driving me made having to tell them the house rules over and over again. "We sit our bottoms on the chair at the table, please don't kneel on the chair". "Please don't sit on the arm of the sofa... jump on the sofa..." "Please stand up and wait patiently rather than lie on the floor by the front door when we are all trying to put our shoes on..." "Please don't go on the grass because it is really muddy..." "No you can't put the Wii on, just watch the TV quietly". "No you can't go upstairs, please just sit quietly." "No we can't do arts and crafts etc." I realise I sound really controlling, but it isn't a play date, it is an hour before school where I don't want my house trashed everyday. I go straight on to work myself, so I don't want to come home from work each day to pens and paper or toys everywhere.

Even eating toast is becoming a pain as neither child will eat crusts but that is something I would not entertain with my own children as they grew up because it is just fussy (in my opinion). My children want to follow the other 2 and are trying to leave the crust etc.

It doesn't help that she is turning up earlier and earlier. Initially it was only a few minutes before 7.30 but today it was just before 7.20. I know it is only 10 mins but I had only just got up and brushed my teeth, those extra 10 mins would have meant I would be dressed at least.

I am just finding it tough and would rather not do it. However, my friend will most likely have to give up her job if she can't find a replacement. She asked to start at 8.30 so she could walk them to the breakfast club/nursery but they said no.

Before I offered to help, she tried for weeks to get someone (teenager - anyone) who would pick her children up at 7.45 and then walk her children to the breakfast club/nursery for 8. There was nobody.

OP posts:
FaverollesWithBoughsOfHolly · 21/11/2011 13:08

Are there no childminders around?
If you are no longer happy to do it, I think you should stop, but maybe give her some notice so she has time to organise a childminder or something else.

bananamam · 21/11/2011 13:09

I don't think YABU. Explain it to her, say you helped her out, but it's starting to be a strain and co ulderne she ask a childminder or similar to take them. Or she can drop them at a childminder who would then take them to school and skip the breakfast club altogether. It would probably cost just about the same to do that!....

fedupwithdeployment · 21/11/2011 13:10

I think you should be up front with her. she needs to support you - and needs to tell the 8yo to behave. And that is only the beginning...

Could she try and change hours now she is there? how long has this been going on?

I would find it very very difficult.

pinkappleby · 21/11/2011 13:10

What hours is the nursery open, could your friend take the 2 year old to nursery before she drops the 8yo at yours? Then you are one down.

btw YANBU.

HattiFattner · 21/11/2011 13:12

Have a chat with your friend. Explain that you cannot take them before 7:40 anymore, as they disrupt the entire household. But couch it in terms of "Mine are getting so distracted by having yours here so early that we are constantly fighting over breakfast and shoes and bookbags and have they brushed their teeth....its not your kids fault, its my own chaotic household, but I need that extra 20 minutes in the morning to get my own crew in order, I cannot do this when yours are here too."

If she was looking for someone to collect at 7:45 then she must have enough time to get to work with a 7:40 drop at yours.

Id also suggest that she feed them breakfast before they get to yours as its becoming a major trial at breakfast time and that you cannot continue with this level of stress in the morning. AGain couch in terms of "Mine can be royal pains in the bum in the morning over breakfast - often showing off to your kids... adding another 2 is just not working out for me anymore, so if you can feed them before you come, mine will have no-one to play off, and we might get out the house on time!!"

Maybe also ask her to gently remind the children that they are to sit with coats and shoes on quietly watching telly until its time to go.

SOmetimes even friends need to be reminded that your lovely generosity has limits.

northernwreck · 21/11/2011 13:12

Hmm. I get whey you are finding it hard, and I wouldn't want my house trashed every day before school either, but I think, since you offered it would be U to just drop her in it with no warning.
There must be childminders in your town, and I am afraid she will have to find one, and pay for it like everybody else! She will probably get up to 70% of the cost of childcare paid for, so it wouldn't be too bad.
I think you need to give her "notice" of a decent amount of time so that she can sort something else out.

nethunsreject · 21/11/2011 13:14

I understand the strain - I struggle getting 2 ready in the morning sometimes!

I think you have to chat to her - tell her it is a real struggle and you wonder if anyone else could help out - perhaps you could do it once a week or something?

Id she's a good friend (which it sounds like she is) then she will understand.

nethunsreject · 21/11/2011 13:14

Oh, and yy, they should be fed and watered before arrival.

HappyCamel · 21/11/2011 13:15

YANBU but give her plenty of notice (eg don't start again after Christmas) and help her find a CM if you can.

northernwreck · 21/11/2011 13:15

And why the hell are you feeding them breakfast?? Surely she can manage to feed them before she brings them?

MrsMuddyPuddles · 21/11/2011 13:15

YANBU, but you have to tell her before you really really can't cope anymore so she has time to get something in place BEFORE you are the one end the friendship over this. The nice thing to do would be to say "look, I can't cope, but will carry on until you find someone else". (assuming you can and she's not the sort to take the piss for a few months/years) Also, you should ask her to not drop them off before 725. Be preparied for her to be unhappy about this, though.

Why can't they play Wii? Also, what about yogurt (just spoons to wash) or cereal, or fruit or something else without crusts for breakfast? I also think you'd be in your rights to expect ALL children to follow your rules, and to expect your friend to back you up in these rules.

I'm surprised that there are no childminders willing to do this sort of time (mine would, and several in the area I was looking at would, too). Has she asked about starting work 30 min later, and coming home 30 min later, too? (esp now that she has had a chance to settle in, assuming last week wasn't the first week of this, of course!) Or is an 8am start mission-critical for her job?

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 21/11/2011 13:16

YANBU

I had a similar arrangement foisted on me once, although this was only one child and I only had one child myself at the time. But that was difficult enough. It sounds very stressful for you.

I think pinkappleby's suggestion is good about her taking her 2 year old straight to nursery. Also could she give her children breakfast before they come to you. I would also be upfront with her about the time dropping them off and say that you are unable to help her with them before 7.30.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 21/11/2011 13:17

And I also like hatti's idea of getting them to sit and watch TV with their coats and shoes on

OhTheConfusion · 21/11/2011 13:18

I would speak to her sooner rather than later. If you were to say now you could agree to have her kids till they break for christmas, giving her ample time to organise an alternative for January.

It is unfair that you end up stressed every morning simply because you are a sahm. Plenty of people need to organise childcare.

MarthasHarbour · 21/11/2011 13:19

I got stressed reading your OP. Honestly i am a-lightweight knackered with just one, so i can see that five is a nightmare.

Yes you need to give her notice but dont feel bad about it, and much as i can see where hatti is coming from; i dont think you should lay the blame on your three LO's. I think you should be honest and upfront and say that it is just too much. Full. Stop.

So yes give her notice but be firm about it (otherwise she will faff about), help her to find childminders/babysitters etc if it makes you feel better.

Also in the interim; why isnt her 8yo helping out with the 2yo? When i was 8 i was changing my sisters' nappies and doing bottle feeds (seriously). You could do with some support here.

YADNBU

redwineformethanks · 21/11/2011 13:20

I'd suggest you let her know it's becoming increasingly different (blame it on the ages of the children ie I could cope when they were younger but it's harder now they're older) and say that you could continue if..................but otherwise you'll need to suggest she makes other arrangements. Set out what would work for you and give her the chance to try that, rather than bailing out now.

Original poster
pingu2209 · 21/11/2011 13:20

If there were childminders I wouldn't be feeling so terrible about wanting to drop it. We live in a village in the countryside and there are no childminders - I know as I looked when I went back to work. The only childcare provider is a nursery, holiday club, breakfast club and after school club all in one. It starts at 8am. Seriously, there is nothing else.

How other working mum's work is to use family to help with childcare. If no family then there are other unofficial I'll look after your children if you look after mine on other days etc.

Except my friend is a single mum and she can't look after mine because she has to be home to look after her children.

I really feel for her and she works really hard just to stay off benefits.

OP posts:
MarthasHarbour · 21/11/2011 13:21

confusion she isnt a SAHM, she goes out to work after the school run, which makes it worse! Smile

Original poster
pingu2209 · 21/11/2011 13:22

I would not just stop immediately. My husband has suggested giving her a months notice to sort something else out. It just feels really awkward.

OP posts:
MarthasHarbour · 21/11/2011 13:22

pingu i know you feel bad but, at the risk of sounding harsh, this isnt your problem.

MarthasHarbour · 21/11/2011 13:23

sorry correction - your friends situation isnt your problem IYSWIM

everythingscominguprosie · 21/11/2011 13:23

I can completely understand why you want to stop the arrangement. Personally, I'd let her know now that it's all too much for you and that she needs to find a cm to start after xmas. And why are you providing breakfast, is there any reason why she can't feed her own children before she takes them to your house.

Like another poster has suggested I wouldn't expect her to like any change in the arrangements. I can imagine that it suits her very well if all she has to do is get her children dressed and drop them with someone else feeding them and then taking one to school and the other one to nursery all presumably for free.

northernwreck · 21/11/2011 13:23

OP's not a sahm-she goes to work straight after all this.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 21/11/2011 13:23

I'm assuming that your friend doesn't work in your village though, pingu? If she works in another village or a local town could she look for a childminder there at least for the youngest one? Then maybe you could help out with the 8 year old? It sounds as if the 2 year old is the main one causing the stress (I have a 2 year old and lets just say I have a LOT of grey hair now).

Also I agree with whoever said the 8 year old should be helping with the 2 year old. My 7 year old will often put my 2 year old's coat and shoes on in the morning and put him in his buggy.

northernwreck · 21/11/2011 13:23

x post martha!