To stop looking after my friends children even though I know it will cause her huge problems

[pingu2209]

I have 3 children aged 8, 6 and 4. My friend's children are 8 and 2. They are not naughty rude or cheeky but they come from a house with different rules to my own.

My friend drops off her children at 7.30am and I walk the older one to school and younger one to nursery after school drop off. I have to take my 3 to school anyway so when I made the offer I didn't think it would be much bother for me.

My friend is very grateful and I am pleased to help her get back into work as she was on benefits before. However, her work starts at 8am and the breakfast club/nursery starts at 8am too - so she can't drop off and get to work on time. This is why I am looking after her children for her. I do it for free, I am her friend and don't want any money.

Except I am finding it really hard with 5 children in the morning. That hour between 7.30 and 8.30, when we leave the house, is manic. I feed all 5 children toast, and have to ensure they leave the house on time.

The thing that makes it hard is two fold. Firstly the 2 year old needs help getting his shoes and coat on and I have to watch him to check he is okay. He regularly cries if he has an extremely minor knock etc. Of course after 3 children of my own I should have realised this, except I clearly have a short memory! I find it really hard when I am so busy getting everything else done, to have to ensure he is okay. This sounds terrible as I read it back to myself, how intollerant am I?!

Secondly, they have very different rules in their house and it is driving me made having to tell them the house rules over and over again. "We sit our bottoms on the chair at the table, please don't kneel on the chair". "Please don't sit on the arm of the sofa... jump on the sofa..." "Please stand up and wait patiently rather than lie on the floor by the front door when we are all trying to put our shoes on..." "Please don't go on the grass because it is really muddy..." "No you can't put the Wii on, just watch the TV quietly". "No you can't go upstairs, please just sit quietly." "No we can't do arts and crafts etc." I realise I sound really controlling, but it isn't a play date, it is an hour before school where I don't want my house trashed everyday. I go straight on to work myself, so I don't want to come home from work each day to pens and paper or toys everywhere.

Even eating toast is becoming a pain as neither child will eat crusts but that is something I would not entertain with my own children as they grew up because it is just fussy (in my opinion). My children want to follow the other 2 and are trying to leave the crust etc.

It doesn't help that she is turning up earlier and earlier. Initially it was only a few minutes before 7.30 but today it was just before 7.20. I know it is only 10 mins but I had only just got up and brushed my teeth, those extra 10 mins would have meant I would be dressed at least.

I am just finding it tough and would rather not do it. However, my friend will most likely have to give up her job if she can't find a replacement. She asked to start at 8.30 so she could walk them to the breakfast club/nursery but they said no.

Before I offered to help, she tried for weeks to get someone (teenager - anyone) who would pick her children up at 7.45 and then walk her children to the breakfast club/nursery for 8. There was nobody.

right here is my tuppence worth

she drops them at 740am, NOT earlier. FFS you had only just woken up!
they come to you breakfasted and fed

good luck xx

What happens if one of your children or her children are ill? What happens if you are ill?

I've had a bout of illness in the house recently and my normal childcare (family/after-school club) has fallen apart.

I would hate that expectation that I would have to go out with an ill child to deliver other children to their destinations.

YOu are wonderful to have offered, but I just don't see this as a long-term solution, there are too many things to go wrong (behaviour, children getting sick, you getting sick) that I would be looking for a way to get out graciously.

I would let her know you are having difficulties, and see if the two year old can't go to early nursery, leaving you with just one older child.

I also think the drop-off is way too early, we often don't get up til 7.20, and looking after 5 children including a 2 year old for an hour is probably too much for most people.

If you start to make noises now, you are giving her time to find alternative solutions.

I can see why it's stressful and I think that you need to tell her that.

However, I think you can make it a lot less stressful by being a lot less 'soft' on them. Stop asking so nicely all the time. They know the house rules now, stop saying 'Please don't sit on the arm of the chair' & say 'Off. Now' in a stern tone of voice. They aren't listening because there's no incentive to. Likewise with 'art & craft', going upstairs etc. Read yours the riot act about how they're to behave when the others are here and be firm with the visting 8yo. 'No, you have been told we don't have the time to do A&C before school and that upstairs is out of bounds. I have to go to work after dropping you lot off and want to come home to a clean & tidy house. You can come to play another time and do fun stuff, but before school it is not happening'

Breakfast - I'd stick with toast and ignore any left crusts, really - there are bigger fish to fry, Feed the birds :)

Make it the 8yo's job to help the 3yo with their coat & shoes - though they really shouldn't need it!

Don't be afraid to treat them like you would you own and get all 5 of them in line.

If she arrives too early you could be 'in the shower', (open door 5 mins later with hair wrapped in towel) until she gets the message that its not convenient for anyone if she arrives at 7.20am.

how long would it take to cycle from your house to her work; or from the kids club to her work?

Be upfront with her and honest. NO early arrivals, and they need to be fully dressed, fed and watered before coming to yours.

I'd give her notice, too, she needs to make other arrangements for the 2-year-old.

You don't have to be in the shower or give excuses, just call her up and say, 'We agreed 7.30, I can't take them earlier than that.'

eshermum -"I am a bit horrified to see so many people on this post telling you it's not your problem and that you should tell her no" am so glad someone else thinks like this, was beginning to think i was the only one x

Yanbu, it was kind of you to offer to do it in the first place but as long as you give her a reasonable bit of notice then you are not bu to explain that the arrangement isn't working out for you. It's bad enough having to sort out your own kids at 7.20 in the morning, never mind somebody else's tbh.

I used to something a bit like this for a friend of mine - not for so long, but it was for 2 DC. She never dropped them early, or if it was an exception, she always asked me beforehand. she told me to treat them like her own and I was never worried about asking her to do someting in return. Perhaps your friend could pick up the DC from school once in a while?

I think it's the dropping so early that is doing your head in, quite understandably. You have to tell her that they can't be dropped under any circumstances before 7.30 at all, not 7.27, not 7.29, but 7.30 or after. Everyone knows that a minute makes a big difference in the morning. I would also either ask them to be fed before they come, or she has to tell them that you are in charge and they have to do what you say. I quite understand about the toast. I would say that all DC have to eat crusts, yours and hers. It's your house and they have to follow your rules.

You don't have to fall out if you're both reasonable people. YOu just have to decide what you want to do - keep on helping out your friend which is very kind, or tell her that she has to get some other kind of childcare after Christmas. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I don't think Pingu should tell her friend she can't do the favour for her any longer. However like I said before, I do think some firm boundaries are in order. Like ChippingIn said, don't go for the softly approach with the kids, a firm, ordering manner is better. They need to start respecting you. I would speak to your friend, tell her she needs to speak to her children about toeing the line in the mornings. The 8 year old needs to help with the 3 year old. They need breakfast before they come, and they aren't to arrive before 7.30. Obviously word it all in a polite but assertive way. make it clear to her that if these steps aren't taken then you will have to stop the arrangement at some point in the near future, as you can't go on as it is.

TBH I would try first and resolve the issues. Be honest and say that you are struggling with the 5 children for an hour but you do want to help her. Then tell her what would make it work i.e.

1. No dropping off early - you can say it nice e.g. I'm still getting dressed/ready at 7.20/25, so it needs to be 7.30 no earlier.
2. You have different rules in your house and you need her help enforcing them e.g. they don't go upstairs, sit on arms of chairs, etc.
3. Say how hard it is to get all 5 out on time and ask if her 8 year ol;d can help her brother with shoes, coats.
4. I wouldn't worry about the crusts - but you might want to say they need to have had breakfast beforehand.

this is so sad, due to lack of suitable childcare provision it looks like she will have to stop working and go back on benefits, op this is not your fault, but is the reality.

But, often people say they can't possibly find other arrangements, but they might be able to when faced with it, for example, she asked to work at 8.30 originally and they said no when she started, but now they know her, they may be happy to accommodate this request, or go for 8.15.

I can't imagine asking someone to take my 2 year old every single day, I work full-time and sometimes could do with a favour, but my friend who said she would help has three of her own. It just isn't fair to ask, imo.

It would only take one lot of D and V to have the whole thing crashing down, if it seems too much, it's because it is.

How many people on here regularly take a toddler and junior child in addition to their own three? Every single day?

I think people are responding to the loveliness of what Pingu has done, without thinking through whether they would actually be prepared to do it themselves.

Pingu, you have done her a massive favour so far, and perhaps you can carry on being a back-up/help out, but I think being the sole child-care is too much. I think she probably has to get at least the two year old in alternative care each morning.

If she had a bike, she could get to work in 5-7 minutes. You can buy a second hand bike for 20 pounds, or maybe someone has a bike she can borrow. I live a mile from town, and I used to put my 2 boys on my bike and get them to school in under 10 minutes.

If she biked, maybe breakfast club would take the kids 5 minutes early, and work would let her come 5 minutes late. You could help her out in emergencies, or even 1 day a week, and the kids could play together then.

I used to try and be helpful to one of the mum's at school by picking her DD up, even when our DD's went to 2 different schools. I would collect my DD1 from her school and walk her down to the other child's school, pick her up and keep her at my house until she could be collected somewhere around 4:00-4:15. DD1 joined her school so it was only one pick up and not much of a problem. I did this for free, for three days because it was helpful to her and her work situation.

As soon as I had DC3, it became too much. I don't do the pick ups anymore and if anyone asks for help, I just say no. It's too much hassle, especially at the beginning and end of the day.

YANBU

Surely a 2-year-old can't just be told to behave, their attention spans aren't that long. It's a long time since I had a 2-year-old, but from what I remember you need eyes in the back of your head, you can't just sit them down in front of the TV or with a piece of toast and know they'll stay put doing what they've been told.

SRP - this '2 yo' is 3 very soon and yes they can be told.

I do wish people would stop underestimating small children. You largely get what you expect from them.

Also, if the 'big' four aren't running around causing chaos the small one is just going to join in with them and even if they don't, it's one to keep an eye on, not 5.

Its really kind of you to do it what a lovely, generous person you are. It sounds like you really would not have minded if it wasn't so stressful. If you were my friend I would be buying you thank you presents and having your children in return if you would not except money. You are bound to start feeling resentful if things carry on the way things are.
Tell her there needs to be some changes if you are to carry on such as; later drop off, 2 year old taken to nursery by her. Perhaps she could supply some croissants which take no preparation.
If however you just have had enough tell her ! You have already gone beyond the call of duty of a good friend.

I haven't read all of this thread, but I do wonder where the father of the two children is in all of this and why he isn't helping out?

Are there no 16 - 18 year old college kids who could do with a bit of cash & get them to breakfast club for her?

I have just asked my neighbour to do exactly this for me four days this term, and I thought of it as a big ask, but for everyone that says oh just get her to find a childminder it's really not that easy in rural areas, there are no registered childminders where we are at all and I use a mix of school clubs and non registered childminders (paid)
I got my neighbour a bottle of baileys and a big bunch of flowers as she would not be paid. Oh, and I fed my dc before I sent them but she gave them breakfast too

and as for my dc's father he is 250 miles away, that's why he is not helping out