To stop looking after my friends children even though I know it will cause her huge problems

[pingu2209]

I have 3 children aged 8, 6 and 4. My friend's children are 8 and 2. They are not naughty rude or cheeky but they come from a house with different rules to my own.

My friend drops off her children at 7.30am and I walk the older one to school and younger one to nursery after school drop off. I have to take my 3 to school anyway so when I made the offer I didn't think it would be much bother for me.

My friend is very grateful and I am pleased to help her get back into work as she was on benefits before. However, her work starts at 8am and the breakfast club/nursery starts at 8am too - so she can't drop off and get to work on time. This is why I am looking after her children for her. I do it for free, I am her friend and don't want any money.

Except I am finding it really hard with 5 children in the morning. That hour between 7.30 and 8.30, when we leave the house, is manic. I feed all 5 children toast, and have to ensure they leave the house on time.

The thing that makes it hard is two fold. Firstly the 2 year old needs help getting his shoes and coat on and I have to watch him to check he is okay. He regularly cries if he has an extremely minor knock etc. Of course after 3 children of my own I should have realised this, except I clearly have a short memory! I find it really hard when I am so busy getting everything else done, to have to ensure he is okay. This sounds terrible as I read it back to myself, how intollerant am I?!

Secondly, they have very different rules in their house and it is driving me made having to tell them the house rules over and over again. "We sit our bottoms on the chair at the table, please don't kneel on the chair". "Please don't sit on the arm of the sofa... jump on the sofa..." "Please stand up and wait patiently rather than lie on the floor by the front door when we are all trying to put our shoes on..." "Please don't go on the grass because it is really muddy..." "No you can't put the Wii on, just watch the TV quietly". "No you can't go upstairs, please just sit quietly." "No we can't do arts and crafts etc." I realise I sound really controlling, but it isn't a play date, it is an hour before school where I don't want my house trashed everyday. I go straight on to work myself, so I don't want to come home from work each day to pens and paper or toys everywhere.

Even eating toast is becoming a pain as neither child will eat crusts but that is something I would not entertain with my own children as they grew up because it is just fussy (in my opinion). My children want to follow the other 2 and are trying to leave the crust etc.

It doesn't help that she is turning up earlier and earlier. Initially it was only a few minutes before 7.30 but today it was just before 7.20. I know it is only 10 mins but I had only just got up and brushed my teeth, those extra 10 mins would have meant I would be dressed at least.

I am just finding it tough and would rather not do it. However, my friend will most likely have to give up her job if she can't find a replacement. She asked to start at 8.30 so she could walk them to the breakfast club/nursery but they said no.

Before I offered to help, she tried for weeks to get someone (teenager - anyone) who would pick her children up at 7.45 and then walk her children to the breakfast club/nursery for 8. There was nobody.

Also what does she do in school holidays? I take it she's not assuming you will have both kids during the holidays every day for her?

The thing is, I feel for your friend-I would find it really hard to start at 8 am being a single mum, and jobs are really scarce now. Good suggestion to find a CM in the town where she works.
Also, she can babysit for you other times-I sometimes have my friends ds at for a few hours at weekends.

What happened at half term regarding childcare, did you do that too.

How about telling her you'll do until the end of term, then she needs to find alternative care?

That gives her a few weeks to sort something out. There might be other mums who are prepared to do this, or the people running the before/after school club might be able to be flexible by 15 minutes or so. In the mean time, they should arrive having already had their breakfasts, or with a packed breakfast from her.

It's really not your problem, you've been helpful enough.

What about if friend took 2yr to a cm or nursery near her place of work that would take from before 8am. That would leave you with an 8 year old that needed walking to school. Much more reasonable. Understand that you're trying to help a friend and it's all difficult.

I think the thing is; she needs to pay someone to do this. It is not really something you can expect for free, long term.

I tried giving them cereal, but my friend doesn't have a dining room and as such does not have a dining table. Her children eat off their laps so a lot of the food they eat is 'finger food'. When I first had them I put them at the table with cereal and when I commented that the 2 year old ( he will be 3 next month) had not eaten anything, the 8 year old told me that he can't use cutlery yet. I ended up feeding him, which was another thing to do in the morning, so I give them toast.

I have to stress, they are not bad children. They are also learning the house rules, slowly. The 2 year old used to cry hysterically when I wouldn't let him have his bottle of milk anywhere other than when he was sat, nicely, at the dining table (otherwise he just drops it and I end up with milk all over the place). He knows these are my rules and he doesn't ask for it anymore.

I actually think I would cope a lot better if it was just an extra 8 year old, it is the 2 year old that is hard work.

If I understand correctly, you would not be too upset about taking care of them if they behaved better? I would try tackling that first. First, be as stern and mean with them as you need to be. It is your house and your rules and they need to respect that. If they complain to their mum, well, you are doing her a massive favour and she can't be upset with you for trying to keep order in the mornings.

Second, I think you should have a frank talk with your friend. Explain that it's really doing your head in because the DC are running wild in the morning, and you need her to tell her DC to be quiet, eat their breakfast, and behave. (and really, they should eat beforehand) Leave unspoken but clear the message that if this continues you are going to have to end the arrangement.

YANBU to be annoyed but it sounds like you are not putting your foot down with either the DC or your friend. It might strain the friendship to have that talk with her, but it will be even more strained if you stop helping her altogether.

YANBU, I got frazzled just reading the OP! I would start by saying they can come to you at 740 and no earlier and they must have had breakfast. She also eneds to speak to the odler 2 about their behaviour. See how that goes and if it still isn't working then give her until the next half-term to sort something else out. You have been more than accommodating but her childcare arrangements vs her work patterns are ultimately her problem, not yours.

has she asked the breakfast club workers if any of them are prepared to start half an hour early and she will pay? worth a try, its likely that someone is there early anyway to set up for opening time.

Bit cheeky to drop them off without breakfast. I would knock that on the head immediately.

If necessary she has to get up earlier.

Sounds like she rolls out of bed, gets their clothes on and dumps them on you.

Or maybe I'm in a very uncharitable mood today!?!

Then, if you feel able to carry on with the 8 year old perhaps she could make other arrangements for the baby. In a way this is easier because there are more childcare options for children this age.

You sound like a very good friend btw.

I agree with everythingscominguprosie; the 8 year old on his/her own probably wouldn't be too much bother AS LONG AS he/she arrived having had breakfast and totally ready for the day, and told to behave, so that all they had to do was sit on your sofa, coat and shoes on, watching TV for an hour or so.

I think your friend is taking the pee on a few levels and maybe if you tackled those then you might feel able to keep part of the arrangement going? Firstly, she should find new childcare for the 2 year old. Secondly, she should arrive after the time stipulated by you, not earlier and earlier each day. And thirdly, she should make sure her child has had breakfast before arriving, or bring it with him, even if it's just a cereal bar or banana. She is onto a good thing at the moment; free childcare starting whenever it suits her and someone else feeding her children for her too.

Also I assume she isn't giving you any money for the food her children are eating either?

Agree with hexagonal.

if you do consider to keep up with this routine at least tell her to feed them before she comes as it's stressing you out. to arrive not before a certain time as you need to sort yourself out.and make it clear when there at yours to sit down watch tv while you sort your own brood.

pingu FWIW I think it sounds like you're really bending over backwards to help out this friend so don't feel bad about having to raise the issue with her.

Can you talk to her about the issues and try and get her buy-in for fixing them? E.g. she should tell the kids (with you there then it's a united front) what is and isn't acceptable behaviour in your house, and at 8, the older one could be responsible for looking after the little one and making sure he has his shoes on in time etc. She should also give them breakfast before they come, so it's one less thing for you to worry about. Can you have set things they could do in the morning? E.g. the 8yr old could do some school reading, or could read to the 2yr old, so they both stay out of trouble. This might help to get rid of the 'can we ....?' all the time.

If you could carry on, but it was all just a bit easier, would you? If so, then try and look at ways of making it easier.

If the anwer is no then as other have said you will just need to explain that you thought it would be OK but is actually proving to be very difficult and you just can't cope with 5 in the morning, so she will need to make other arrangements after Christmas. Try not to feel too bad if this is what you end up doing, you've been really helpful and tried your best, but it was a lot to ask really.

D

Also (can you tell I'm in a bad mood today?) why the heck does an almost 3-year old need a bottle of milk? I would tell her to knock that on the head too as you end up with milk everywhere.

Personally I think it would be far, far easier (for you and her actually) to stop the arrangement than try and find all manner of ways to make it work. You can bet your life, after a few weeks it will slip back to how it was anyway.

I know it's awkward but you are have done your friend a really wonderful service - don't forget that.

It is up to her to find alternative childcare - like the rest of us working mums do.

Give her a month's notice - that's more than fair.

YADNBU

My friend works in the village about 1 1/2 miles from the nursery/breakfast club. She can't drive (if she could, she couldn't afford a car anyway). She has to walk to the breakfast club and then walk to work. She has got a job in a new care home that only opened up in September.

Her children arn't naughty. My children behave just the same as her children. It is just children getting excited when their friends arrive in the morning (ie my children getting excited). The little boy is only doing what little boys do.

Also my friend isn't thinking - great free childcare. She is happy to pay, but I wouldn't take money from her. She is happy to pay for breakfast club but she just can't get to work in time if she uses it.

However, I think that she should ask work again if she can start at 8.30 now. They have seen how committed she is and she is a hard worker.

The more I'm reading of this thread, the more I'm thinking actually your friend seems to have a massive sense of entitlement, and it seems her children do too, asking if they can do crafts and go upstairs first thing in the morning at someone else's house, and wanting to wander round with food and milk. Your friend sounds a bit lazy too, like someone else said it is as if she gets them out of bed, chucks their clothes on and then dumps them round yours at her leisure where you will pick up the slack. I think it's bad too that her almost 3 year old cannot feed himself a bit of cereal with a spoon. I would have told him it's cereal and feeding himself, or nothing! But then I am mean at times

Your friend is leaning on you far too much pingu. If she can't find a child minder locally she should be looking to move house and school so she can be independent. Or she could move to be near family if they could help out.

She has accepted a job without checking beforehand that the hours were do-able and child care was available. Not very sensible.

If you moved away she would have to make other arrangements. This really isn't your problem.

I know it will not be easy but for your own sanity you need to give her notice and get her to sort herself out.

I really can see why this is stressful!
Could she transfer the 2yo to a nursery close to her work, so that she can drop off the 2 yo?

You need to be honest with her. Tell her that you envisaged it being easier than it is and actually it is very difficult. She obviously knows how helpful you are being. My friend picked up my ds for one day a week for a term and she got a bit fed up with doing that - her dh niggled a little bit to me; so I knew that I had overstepped the mark. Her kindness was a great help to me but her kindness ran out. I had to make alternative arrangements as no other facilities. As it turns out she is helping me out again for a couple of occassions so it can work out ok in the end.
Just wondering if she explained her difficulties to her employer - can she get some kind of flexible working.

And I repeat my earlier question; what does she do for childcare during school holidays?