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Original poster

To stop looking after my friends children even though I know it will cause her huge problems

127 replies

pingu2209 · 21/11/2011 13:02

I have 3 children aged 8, 6 and 4. My friend's children are 8 and 2. They are not naughty rude or cheeky but they come from a house with different rules to my own.

My friend drops off her children at 7.30am and I walk the older one to school and younger one to nursery after school drop off. I have to take my 3 to school anyway so when I made the offer I didn't think it would be much bother for me.

My friend is very grateful and I am pleased to help her get back into work as she was on benefits before. However, her work starts at 8am and the breakfast club/nursery starts at 8am too - so she can't drop off and get to work on time. This is why I am looking after her children for her. I do it for free, I am her friend and don't want any money.

Except I am finding it really hard with 5 children in the morning. That hour between 7.30 and 8.30, when we leave the house, is manic. I feed all 5 children toast, and have to ensure they leave the house on time.

The thing that makes it hard is two fold. Firstly the 2 year old needs help getting his shoes and coat on and I have to watch him to check he is okay. He regularly cries if he has an extremely minor knock etc. Of course after 3 children of my own I should have realised this, except I clearly have a short memory! I find it really hard when I am so busy getting everything else done, to have to ensure he is okay. This sounds terrible as I read it back to myself, how intollerant am I?!

Secondly, they have very different rules in their house and it is driving me made having to tell them the house rules over and over again. "We sit our bottoms on the chair at the table, please don't kneel on the chair". "Please don't sit on the arm of the sofa... jump on the sofa..." "Please stand up and wait patiently rather than lie on the floor by the front door when we are all trying to put our shoes on..." "Please don't go on the grass because it is really muddy..." "No you can't put the Wii on, just watch the TV quietly". "No you can't go upstairs, please just sit quietly." "No we can't do arts and crafts etc." I realise I sound really controlling, but it isn't a play date, it is an hour before school where I don't want my house trashed everyday. I go straight on to work myself, so I don't want to come home from work each day to pens and paper or toys everywhere.

Even eating toast is becoming a pain as neither child will eat crusts but that is something I would not entertain with my own children as they grew up because it is just fussy (in my opinion). My children want to follow the other 2 and are trying to leave the crust etc.

It doesn't help that she is turning up earlier and earlier. Initially it was only a few minutes before 7.30 but today it was just before 7.20. I know it is only 10 mins but I had only just got up and brushed my teeth, those extra 10 mins would have meant I would be dressed at least.

I am just finding it tough and would rather not do it. However, my friend will most likely have to give up her job if she can't find a replacement. She asked to start at 8.30 so she could walk them to the breakfast club/nursery but they said no.

Before I offered to help, she tried for weeks to get someone (teenager - anyone) who would pick her children up at 7.45 and then walk her children to the breakfast club/nursery for 8. There was nobody.

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 21/11/2011 13:49

could she buy a bike, then she can walk kids to club and cycle to work fairly quickly.

dreamingbohemian · 21/11/2011 13:49

Hmm. Could she cycle to work? that would save loads of time. If so, then she could drop off the kids at yours just a few minutes before you have to leave, so minimal disruption.

Nyx · 21/11/2011 13:49

I agree with dreamingbohemian and Hexagonal and everyone else who has said that if your friend's children could arrive already having had their breakfast, that would be much better for you. Arriving early is also a no-no. If she could drop them off, dressed and fed, so that all they had to do was sit and watch TV until you and your lot are ready to leave, life would be a lot easier for you.

It would be a shame if this arrangement had to be stopped - the children like it, it's very handy for your friend, and if it could be sorted so that you are not so stressed, you would feel the way you had originally thought you would feel - i.e. pleased to be able to help your nice friend who has found a good job.

Perhaps if the children are not 'standing up and waiting patiently' while everyone else is getting their shoes on, but helping younger children, or making a race of it or something, that might work better? I do hope you manage to get it sorted, but if you do feel that you have to give notice to stop the arrangement, please do not feel guilty. You have really helped your friend already. Perhaps as you say, she could ask her work again for a later start or whatever - there will be some other way - what would she have done if you hadn't offered in the first place? Good luck.

dreamingbohemian · 21/11/2011 13:50

Ha, x-post other dreaming Smile

ThePathanKhansWitch · 21/11/2011 13:50

Pingu you are not being unreasonable. TBH, my sympathys lie with anyone who has childcare issues, however, you sound really frazzled, surely this arrangement isn't fair on you?.

I would never ask a friend to be part of a long term arrangement like this, mainly because i wouldn't want my friendship to be soured.

If i was said friend, and you explained it's all just a bit too much with 5 kids (although how she ain't figured this one out, i'm not sure), i would just be grateful to you for your help, get you a lovely gift, and sort other arrangements out.

I really hope this works out, you sound like your tortured Sad. Please don't be, you sound like a friend i'd kill for.

northernwreck · 21/11/2011 13:52

Actually, I am starting to really want to stick up for the friend now!
For one thing, people on here are always going on about benefits scroungers, and your friend has got a job. Imagine if she had turned down a job because it was a bit difficult with childcare! Horrors!
And I hardly think it is acceptable saying she just has to move house, and schools, that's a bit harsh! It's very expensive, not to mention stressful to move house, and when you factor in moving schools too...

I agree with posters who say help her sort something out for the 2 year old. The idea of offering to pay breakfast club helpers is a great one too.
My ds's nursery had an "early start" option at 7.30, so maybe your local nursery has one too.
Please people, don't underestimate how tough being a LP with no cash and no car really is, and lets try and find solutions rather than "it's not your problem".

northernwreck · 21/11/2011 13:53

Hexagonal, there are usually holiday clubs in the school holidays.

everythingscominguprosie · 21/11/2011 13:54

op, what's going to happen in the school hols. School will be closed, will the nursery still be open.

dreamingbohemian · 21/11/2011 13:55

I agree Northern.

Also, you said your friend offered to pay you -- presumably not as much as she would have to pay a proper CM, but could that money go toward having someone else watch the 2 year old?

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 21/11/2011 13:56

Not necessarily, northernwreck. At my DCs school there are breakfast and after school clubs, but no holiday club. There are also 2 nurseries locally that offer full daycare but in term time only.

TandB · 21/11/2011 14:00

It would be a shame if you couldn't continue to help your friend as it sounds like she really is in difficulties, but I think you have to tackle some of the issues head-on or risk getting to the point where you finish up bowing out because it has become too much.

The main one has to be breakfast - there surely isn't any good reason why the children can't have breakfast before getting to yours? All it means is getting up a bit earlier or am I missing something? And you really do need to raise the issue of behaviour - the 8 year-old is easily old enough to be given very firm boundaries. If the children arrived already fed and ready to go, and went and sat and watched television with the 8 year-old knowing he had to keep the 2 year-old in line then it wouldn't be nearly so bad.

Original poster
pingu2209 · 21/11/2011 14:03

At school holidays she is taking her holiday and also asking for her family to take holiday to look after her children all day. I think she hasn't thought too far ahead over it!

OP posts:
everythingscominguprosie · 21/11/2011 14:05

and are her family willing to look after her dc in the school holidays or is she hoping that they will be.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 21/11/2011 14:05

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she asks you and puts you on the spot about having them, pingu

mumofthreekids · 21/11/2011 14:06

I think any arrangement when one person is doing ALL the hard work and the other is receiving ALL the benefit is likely to cause problems.

But I do see that you want to help out your friend.

Is there a time when she could help you in return? You say "my friend is a single mum and she can't look after mine because she has to be home to look after her children" but couldn't she have all 5 of them sometimes, either after school or at the weekend? Maybe iIt would help you cope with extra stress in the mornings if you knew that you were "earning" some time to yourself in return.

michaela18a · 21/11/2011 14:09

YANBU but i really feel for your friend. If there are no other alternatives as you have said, will she have to give up work if you stop looking after even the younger one? I know this would not be your fault but i think it would be niave to not think this would affect your friendship. I assume she perhaps does feed her children in the morning, (but if their anything like mine will still take any food going, hungry or not!). Personally if that was me, if it was a valued close friend, i admit i'd probably just carry on and try and get some sort of order or routine in the morning, kids get older and easier ime. Suggestions such as cycling (with a 2year old? and moving house and jobs imo are unrealistic). I think it comes down to how much you are willing to be put out to help a friend out.

ThePathanKhansWitch · 21/11/2011 14:11

Good idea mum a bit of a break for pingu.

schroeder · 21/11/2011 14:13

I was under the impression that this sort of arrangement could get you into trouble; something about 2 lady police officers taking care of each other's dc, will google.

Anyway of course YANBU I couldn't possibly cope with this every morning, is there someone else who could take turns with you?

Also at her job, I understand why they do not want her to start later (they have to handover in these places), but maybe there are other shifts she could do so she doesn't start at 8 am every day.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 21/11/2011 14:15

I don't think the bike idea is a bad one really; I think the suggestion was that the friend walked to the OP's house with her bike and kids so that she could drop them off later than 7.30 am and then get to work quickly. Needs must and all that. And after all if the OP is being put out and inconvenienced then surely it's not unreasonable to expect her friend to have some inconvenience too to make things a little easier on the OP, who is doing her a massive favour lets not forget.

schroeder · 21/11/2011 14:15

Okay-quick search seems to reveal that you would be ok, as it is less than 2 hours a day.

Proudnscary · 21/11/2011 14:16

Honestly, just break the arrangement! Not your problem to talk to her about breakfasts/bikes/behaviour. Just more headache for you. Give her notice. You have been a good friend.

CaptainNancy · 21/11/2011 14:18

Pingu- you sound like a really lovely person, and a very good friend; I hope you can sort it between you with suggestions above.

Smile
Journey · 21/11/2011 14:25

Has your friend even asked you how you're coping? I bet you she hasn't because she doesn't want to hear the truth that it is a lot of work for you.

How hard has she really looked for a childminder? If you're free then I guess that would be a massive incentive not to find one!

oflip · 21/11/2011 14:30

Ahhh these things ALWAYS seem like a good idea at the time, but then when you get down to the nitty gritty, in practiacal terms, its far more difficult isnt it..
Some really good suggestions here, im stuck in a similar situation myself and now feel awkward and a bit resentefull and irritated byt the whole thing now, but just dont know how to approach it Sad

eshermum101 · 21/11/2011 14:37

OP - sounds like you are a really good friend. I think that you just need to reset the ground rules about breakfast (I.e. They have it first) and drop off time (7:40). By the sounds of your posts, youndon't want to let her down so she must be a close friend....I am sure she probably knows it's a pain for you and would be willing to do anything to make it work. I am a bit horrified to see so many people on this post telling you it's not your problem and that you should tell her no...... If I was ever in a difficult position like your friend and had to rely on the support of my close friends then I would hope they would help me out.....and I would hope I would return the favour (what goes around comes around...)

So in summary, YANBU to feel the way you do but i also suspect you might not feel too good about yourself if you didn't try to make it work by suggesting a few changes..... Good friends are hard to find - cherish them!