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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think friend is BU about wedding?

113 replies

hiltonbees · 20/11/2011 01:12

Me and DP are getting married.
We are having a good old fashioned catholic ceremony (though we aren't good little old fashioned catholics really :) )

I am still very good friends with 4 girls I went to school with.

One of these phoned me up tonight and said that she wouldn't be able to attend - I was thinking she was going to be away or something (I asked)

But no - it is because it is in a Catholic church.

She is very active in her church (Baptist). And she does have 'issues' with catholism and other religions as well (she doesnt see RC as christianity) So we always stay away from talking about religion. Eg she doesn't believe in evolution, abortion ect. While I do (told you not a very good little catholic).

Anyway She has said that she cant come to the wedding as it is a Catholic Church and so doesn't feel comfortable being there.

It isn't like she is a JW and cant be in other churches.
We are not asking her to support something she doesnt. By coming she isnt supporting the Catholic Church, she is supporting us.

I was just stuned.

This is one of my oldest friends, not to have her at my wedding would be odd.

AIBU to think she is BU?

I know she has a right to her views but in this incidence AIBU to think it is taking it a tad to far?

OP posts:
Cathycomehome · 20/11/2011 01:17

YANBU.IMO.

Where does she think you should get married, if you're not a member of her faith?

Cathycomehome · 20/11/2011 01:18

Catholics do believe in evolution, surely?

MardyBra · 20/11/2011 01:20

Could you ask her along to the reception only, and then she could skip the ceremony if she's uncomfortable with it.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 20/11/2011 01:20

YANBU.

Sounds like she's going to end up with a narrow group of friends in the future.

Tell her you'll mention her in your prayers.

Original poster
hiltonbees · 20/11/2011 01:21

Meant about the abortion thing not the evolution bit. cathy

OP posts:
Cathycomehome · 20/11/2011 01:25

Ah! I thought so, (I also think your friend sounds a lot bit nuts, although of course she is entitled to her beliefs,because you're only asking her to celebrate your wedding in your church, not actually join it or believe in it). Is it just the Catholic church she objects to or would it be any church except her own?

TopazMortmain · 20/11/2011 01:27

Yes, she is being bonkers but I don't think it's a reflection of your relationship TBH and not a snub. Her attitude to religion and the sanctity / symbolism of buildings and rites is a bit skewed though..

I'd let it, invite her to the reception and send the message tied around the neck of a hand knitted Australopithecus (with Uncle Monty on his t-shirt)

Grin
Original poster
hiltonbees · 20/11/2011 01:27

think it is just catholic church, she went to one of the others wedding last year and that was methodist.

OP posts:
TopazMortmain · 20/11/2011 01:28

Let it go

iPhone...

planetpotty · 20/11/2011 01:29

I don't know why but weddings turn normal, lovely, sane people into complete mutters!! Confused

IMO she is entitled to feel that way but personally I would have battled with my issues and found a solution ie explaining but offering to help organise things at the reception before you arrive.

Here is comes......it's your day, do it your way and try and not get too het up with all the wedding politics it all passes and we all survive Smile

planetpotty · 20/11/2011 01:30

NNNNutters!!!!

ll31 · 20/11/2011 01:31

think she's entitled to her opinion tbh and if ur friends u respect it even if u think its mad!

Cathycomehome · 20/11/2011 01:31

I don't know what you can do then apart from ask her to just come to the reception? I think I'd be a bit offended if I had an old friend who wouldn't come to my wedding based on not wanting to be in the building of another faith and its even stranger seeing as yours is going to be in that of a different denomination of the same church

Helltotheno · 20/11/2011 01:34

So you're having a traditional Catholic ceremony when don't believe in the Catholic Church's rules and (I assume) don't actively practice?

And she won't go to your wedding cos she doesn't buy into anything Catholic?

Well I guess you could say at least she's standing up for what she believes. I wouldn't let it affect your friendship tbh.

Helltotheno · 20/11/2011 01:35

when you don't believe...

Grainger · 20/11/2011 01:38

YANBU.
Especially if she is an old friend.
(Also had catholic wedding despite being bad)

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 20/11/2011 01:38

YABU.

She is being true to her regligion. From what you've said about your deviance from Papal bullshit. you aren't.

All those who witness your wedding ceremony are ipso facto supporting the dogma of the Roman Catholic Church.

Some won't have a problem with that; your friend does and she has acted according to her conscience.

Original poster
hiltonbees · 20/11/2011 01:39

Hell I do believe in what the catholic church (and the bible) teaches and I and DP do practice. I just happen to disagree on some parts with the vatican (as many catholics I know do)

OP posts:
Cathycomehome · 20/11/2011 01:39

Well, you could say that,Helltotheno, but I think most people go to weddings of people of different faiths (or secular ones) than their own? I'm not a Hindu, or a Humanist, but I went to my friends weddings as I wanted to celebrate their marriages with them (and was invitedGrin ), not join their religion, or lack of, for example.

henrythecat · 20/11/2011 01:41

She is entitled to her views but YANBU, you'd think she could put it aside for ONE day, it's not like your asking her to come every Sunday.

Topaz - LOVE the idea of a hand-knitted australopithecus. I've been wondering what to make my (evolution-denying) mother for Christmas....

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 20/11/2011 01:44

I don't think YABU, but I wouldn't hold it against her.
However, I wouldn't invite her to the reception either. Marriage is about vows and promises and the church is the most important part of the day. If shes prepared to miss that, she cant expect to attend the other bits.
I could easily say as a Catholic that anyone not married in an RC church isn't married in the eyes of God, but I don't think I'd have many friends left!

Cathycomehome · 20/11/2011 01:48

I'm definitely not an expert, so I may be probably am wrong, but I thought Baptists believed in Baptism only for those who professed a faith, ie not infants, and salvation through faith alone (vaguely remembered RE); I don't recall them not being allowed to go into Catholic churches? Is it a bit of an unusual and different kind, like fundamentalists? (bit thick emoticon, maybe I am thinking of a different thing).

Helltotheno · 20/11/2011 01:50

I personally would attend a friend's wedding irrespective of what the religion was but equally, I wouldn't object in the slightest if a friend so objected to my religion that it was a bridge too far for her/him to attend my wedding. Horses for courses like. I don't agree with friendships ending over sh1t like this unless there are other issues.

Cathycomehome · 20/11/2011 01:56

I think if a friend objected to my religion so much that they couldn't set foot in a building even for such an important event (not important to me personally; I am not married, but presumably so important to people who DO want to get married), then I think I might question whether we really had too many differences to be really good close friends. For a start, it would presumably mean that she didn't think my marriage was a marriage at all, and also that we'd have some very fundamental difference in our views.

Original poster
hiltonbees · 20/11/2011 01:57

She is a bog standard Baptist (at least in church she goes to)

I had no clue about into catholic churches thing - we went on holiday together when we were in our early 20s and she went into catholic churches then (we were in italy)
So it came right out of the blue.
As i said not like she is a Jehovah's Witness

OP posts: