to think friend is BU about wedding?

[hiltonbees]

Me and DP are getting married.
We are having a good old fashioned catholic ceremony (though we aren't good little old fashioned catholics really :) )

I am still very good friends with 4 girls I went to school with.

One of these phoned me up tonight and said that she wouldn't be able to attend - I was thinking she was going to be away or something (I asked)

But no - it is because it is in a Catholic church.

She is very active in her church (Baptist). And she does have 'issues' with catholism and other religions as well (she doesnt see RC as christianity) So we always stay away from talking about religion. Eg she doesn't believe in evolution, abortion ect. While I do (told you not a very good little catholic).

Anyway She has said that she cant come to the wedding as it is a Catholic Church and so doesn't feel comfortable being there.

It isn't like she is a JW and cant be in other churches.
We are not asking her to support something she doesnt. By coming she isnt supporting the Catholic Church, she is supporting us.

I was just stuned.

This is one of my oldest friends, not to have her at my wedding would be odd.

AIBU to think she is BU?

I know she has a right to her views but in this incidence AIBU to think it is taking it a tad to far?

YANBU - luckily my guests were tolerant and accepting and respectful of our (beautiful) Catholic ceremony, my brothers' guests were not and it tainted their wedding days.

As for inviting her to the reception, when she is not coming to the ceremony? No chance would I be going for that option. If someone cannot respect my beliefs enough to share in the ceremony, there's no chance of them getting to the party.

In saying all this, the Baptists I know would never behave like this, so I'm bemused by the whole situation.

My husband and I were married in a Methodist church. We were both divorced and I wanted to be married in church again so he agreed and we found a church that would do it for us. My sister died and my husband was not really a 'church' person which I accepted unless it rebounded on me so we took my mother and all three of us went to the funeral but my husband stayed outside. At least he was there if not inside the church. He then drove us to the wake which he did attend. He also attended his granddaughter's confirmation elsewhere. He obviously chose what sort of church or service he would attend. That was his choice and I accepted whatever he came up with.

Your friend should be entitled to attend the wedding if she stays outside and sees you going in, hears the service with strong ears and sees you come out before going to the reception. In my view there is nothing wrong with that.

lesley you dont want to tell her that one......

I want her there, she is one of my oldest friends and I want her there to see me get married. She doesnt have to support the catholic church, she doesnt have to say bits (and we have guests coming who I am sure will not be saying prayers and stuff - but they are coming because it is a wedding, a celabration of 2 people, not of a church)

"So she can go to a wedding in a methodist church and go into catholic churches in Italy? Not very consistent is she? " If she had always been like it then fine - but now after all these years, it is just odd.

pink4 What? where did you get that from? "YABU for getting married in the church when you clearly dont hold true to its beliefs. You cannot pick and choose which bit of your religion you like and disregard the rest." 1000 of catholics have sex before marriage, I know loads who have no problem with someone being gay or abortion. Being a christian and being a catholic I can be without following the vatican on every single word. The key beliefs I hold of God, Jesus, and our lady and what communion represents and all the rest are key to me. Beleiving that it isn't sinful or 'evil' for someone to be gay arent - i just view that part differently to rome. Disagreeing with the vatican on someparts doesnt mean I pick and choose - what I cant be catholic because it repulses me how the vatican dealt with the child abuse scandle? What a load of shit. My DCs will attend whatever school is their local state school and both me and DH will make an effort to it not to be a religious one (I went to convent school for 3 years when I was a teenager when we moved for dads work - and that put me off for life, Im just glad it was way after vatican 2)

You and your DP don't strictly adhere to your own faith, no one should tell you otherwise. Your friend does have lots of involvement and presumably belief in her own faith. Your friend's decision not to come to the church is not about snubbing you, he has been honest in her reasons, it is her choice. This should not be a huge problem, I'm sure she'd be delighted if you invite her to the reception.

To me, the narrow-minded behaviour is not attending a marriage ceremony because it is in a Catholic Church, but that is because I see that as deeply disrespectful. I can understand the other point of view - definitely a bit more than before this thread - but I think that my own broad-mindedness, tolerance and respect would mean I would value my invitation to a marriage ceremony, wherever it is held and in whatever format and would attend.

I think its a real shame that she can't be there for you. All the baptist christians I know (about 60 or so) would attend. Infact the vicar/pastor recently attended a Jewish wedding and thoroughly enjoyed the richness of a different culture.

She seems very extreme and it's very unusual for this to happen, AFAIK. As a non-believer, I felt uncomfortable / hypocritical attending a recent baptism, but I respect my friend's choice and see my role as a supporter of my friend. Exactly as you said. Having said that, I am not sure how I would feel about attending other religious ceremonies, not wanting to name any religions.

YANBU, but there's very little you can do. Is there definitely nothing more to it?

It will no doubt alter your friendship that she rejected your wedding invitation. However, you will probably not feel it on the day as you'll be feeling so much love from everyone there.

When religion prevents you from being a good friend or neighbour, it has gone too far.

My grandmother was rabidly anti-Catholic which was ironic really since one side of our family are Catholics. She was the daughter of a Baptist Minister and had the most peculiar and narrow view of other faiths and refused to attend events in even High Anglican churches. So not all Baptists are happy to worship elsewhere and certainly there are some sects that are far from tolerant.

However, when it comes to a wedding, it seems unhelpful for anyone to make such a song and dance when one is a guest. Attending a Catholic wedding does not mean the Pope will highjack the guests and personally brainwash the catechism into them. It is perfectly possible to behave in a dignified yet disengaged manner and I'd have thought the OP's friend could have made an effort in this respect.

I am atheist who married in church because it was special to DH (and I've been married so long we couldn't have used anything other than the postagestamp sized registry office)
My Jewish friend happily came on her Sabbath.
So your friend is being unreasonable.
However, smile sweetly and invite her to the reception.
Faith or the lack of it is something I've long since learnt is something you have to grin and bear.
Occasionally I remind DH that believing in life after death is nuts for an extremely cleaver scientist. Occasionally he gets cross with me for being disrespectful. We are both products of our upbringings and not going to change.

Your good friend either has rabid religious views (which you haven't noticed previously) or has some other problem with coming to your wedding and is using religion as an excuse. Either way, it doesn't look good for your friendship.

Invite her along to the reception if her presence won't bother you. But if you're going to spend the whole evening looking at her like this , then just say it's a shame she can't make it, and let it go.

She sounds like a delight. But if she really can't cope with the idea of spending an hour in a Catholic church- less if you're not having the full on nuptial mass- it's probably better for all concerned if she's not present for it. I suppose I do make a distinction between different types of objection though. Provided she isn't refusing to come because she views Catholics as some kind of inferior species ie for sectarian reasons, it's her call. Nothing you've said suggests that this is the case. So just invite her to the rest of it. Do you necessarily want someone at the ceremony who's going to find it a total ordeal?

Speaking as an agnostic secularist (read my previous posts if you don't believe me) who is culturally Catholic, the people on this thread who think you shouldn't get married in a church if you aren't a believer are entirely failing to get it. I did it for cultural reasons- I wanted to marry there because the church is part of my community and heritage. All four of my grandparents were founder members of the parish, and I know all the people there. The approval of others for this is neither desired not required, as is the case for any religious practice that doesn't harm anyone else.