Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

to think friend is BU about wedding?

113 replies

hiltonbees · 20/11/2011 01:12

Me and DP are getting married.
We are having a good old fashioned catholic ceremony (though we aren't good little old fashioned catholics really :) )

I am still very good friends with 4 girls I went to school with.

One of these phoned me up tonight and said that she wouldn't be able to attend - I was thinking she was going to be away or something (I asked)

But no - it is because it is in a Catholic church.

She is very active in her church (Baptist). And she does have 'issues' with catholism and other religions as well (she doesnt see RC as christianity) So we always stay away from talking about religion. Eg she doesn't believe in evolution, abortion ect. While I do (told you not a very good little catholic).

Anyway She has said that she cant come to the wedding as it is a Catholic Church and so doesn't feel comfortable being there.

It isn't like she is a JW and cant be in other churches.
We are not asking her to support something she doesnt. By coming she isnt supporting the Catholic Church, she is supporting us.

I was just stuned.

This is one of my oldest friends, not to have her at my wedding would be odd.

AIBU to think she is BU?

I know she has a right to her views but in this incidence AIBU to think it is taking it a tad to far?

OP posts:

lottiegb · 20/11/2011 14:34

Can't she mutter baptist incantations under her breath (or something) during crucial parts of the service? Religion isn't infectious, so she won't be tainted through being there. I can see that one might not want to appear to endorse something distasteful but don't see who is going to get that impression (of her or any other non-catholic guests) - presence and participation are not the same thing as I understand it.

There are things I wouldn't do or take part in. I wouldn't attend a bull fight for example because paying for a ticket (or accepting such as a gift) is an active endorsement. If free, wouldn't either because it's a social endorsement. So there probably is a moral argument that if the catholic church is viewed as intrinsically bad and actively damaging, then stepping through the door bearing good will somehow legitimises its existance, so is problematic.

Anyway, I'd probably have a to chat to hear her pov and invite her to the reception.

cat64 · 20/11/2011 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheFallenMadonna · 20/11/2011 14:39

I'd be surprised too. But presumably she is invited to the whole shebang, and will come to the reception. No problem really, is there?

hackmum · 20/11/2011 14:41

Clearly your friend is a nutter, which means that in other people's terms she is utterly unreasonable, but on her own terms she is entirely reasonable. Probably, like Ian Paisley, she believes the Catholic Church is the Whore of Babylon and therefore won't have anything to do with it.

SoupDragon · 20/11/2011 14:43

No, Chipping, I couldn't. I would happily celebrate their wedding afterwards but I would not set foot in their place of worship.

lesley33 · 20/11/2011 14:46

"She might say "Jesus would do the same, as He didn't like Catholics either. Oh, wait..." "

Jesus was actually a jew.

lesley33 · 20/11/2011 14:49

I think you are being a little U. I am not religious but I have come across others - not just jh - who wouldn't attend a marriage of a particular faith.

You need to respect her religious belief and invite her to the reception only - although of course it will be sad for her not to be there.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 20/11/2011 14:55

Soup - I'm just a little confused about why a comment one woman made about you, means you can't support/go to a wedding of JW's as a whole? Not that it matters a lot - I'm not a J just curious!

Kladdkaka · 20/11/2011 15:06

Your friend is off her trolley. I'm a baptist, I've been to Catholic weddings. In fact my brother is getting married in a Catholic church in a few months and I'll be going to that one too, even though I don't particularly want to.

lesley33 · 20/11/2011 15:10

People who think her friend is bu keep saying there is no logical raeson for her not to attend a wedding in a catholic church. But no religion is "logical", most of it is based on beliefs and faith. So if she believes that by attending a marriage ceremony in a catholic church she is supporting that church - then surely that is as valid a belief as believing in catholicism?

SoupDragon · 20/11/2011 15:12

Because, Chipping, I find their beliefs regarding blood transfusions abhorrent. My mother was told she could repent the decision she had made to save my life at birth (I had an exchange transfusion) whilst I was standing there.

I am happy to be friends with JW, I am polite when they knock on my door but I would not set foot in their place of worship for any reason.

As I said, I would be more than happy to celebrate their marriage after the ceremony. Hypothetically :)

I didn't realise this until I was thinking about this head BTW. It's not something I've been dwelling on. :)

slavetofilofax · 20/11/2011 18:10

Accept her beliefs because she has every right to stand by her principles if she wants to, and tell her you will look forward to seeing her at the reception.

hackmum · 20/11/2011 18:15

Hmm. It strikes me as odd the way that people are given all sorts of licence to behave badly because of their religious beliefs. If the friend had said, "I'm an atheist and I despise the Catholic Church because of the way it has harboured child rapists over the years, therefore I will not come to your wedding," I bet loads of people would have said the friend was being intolerant and unreasonable. But because the friend is Baptist, and claims her religion doesn't allow her to attend a Catholic wedding (which is blatant nonsense by the way), people say, "Oh, but you have to respect her beliefs." Well, bollocks to that. She's just being rude, and not only being rude, but trying to claim some spurious moral high ground into the bargain.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 20/11/2011 18:26

Soup - that was a horrible thing for her to say to your Mum, even more so with you there!! I don't understand the whole 'blood transfusion' thing either. If one of my loved ones was ill I'd do anything to save them, anything. However, if I didn't go to the wedding of anyone who followed a religion I don't care for, I'd probably only go to one wedding out of 10 invites. Hmmm... you may have a point

aquafunf · 20/11/2011 18:37

i am a complete atheist- and happy to tell anyone.

if i am invited to a wedding i church, i go happily- am respectful- join in tunelessly with the singing- bow my head for the prayers and all the rest of it. weddings are about 2 people declaring their love for each other etc and are semi public events. when i got married in a registry office, several devout friends came along and joined in- they did not boycott it because it wasnt religious!

i don't go to christenings and would never be a godparent cos that it all about being actively involved in the faith.

op YANBU at all - your friend sounds nuts and up herself.

SoupDragon · 20/11/2011 18:42

Thing is, Chipping, I do feel that if that is what they believe wholeheartedly then that is for them to deal with. I do not understand it, I do not condone it but is their belief not mine. Provided it doesn't stray over into my own life :)

I am not religious, nominally CofE only, and would have no problem going to any other place of worship to celebrate a wedding.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 20/11/2011 18:46

Soup - I know that the woman made a personal comment to your Mum about you, which makes the JW belief a bit more personal to you, but if you wouldn't go to a JW wedding because you find their BT thing abhorent, surely there are other things, in other religions which are abhorent - so why wouldn't that stop you going to one or their places of worship?

Bue · 20/11/2011 18:47

This is utterly bizarre behaviour from a 'bog standard' Baptist. My grandparents, aunt and cousins are all Baptist - they would think this is madness. And what is this bit about not seeing RC as Christianity?? I feel sorry for you OP, I think it is really sad that your friend is being like this.

SoupDragon · 20/11/2011 19:15

None of the others are personal though, Chipping and none of them are trying to force their belief onto me in such a foul way. Or in any way actually. Its rather difficult to want to go into a place of worship where they think you should have died as a baby and where some are happy to say that to your mother with you present.

Like I said, I had no idea this would actually be the case until this thread, I've never thought about it. I would also be perfectly happy to be friends with a JW (and any other religion) provided they agreed not to try and convert me :).

SoupDragon · 20/11/2011 19:17

I would be rather pissed off if a friend wasn't prepared to accept how I felt and expected me to show up at their wedding.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 20/11/2011 19:25

Fair enough :) How old were you when this woman said that to your Mum? It beggars belief that someone would actually say this on the doorstep doesn't it - it was hardly going to make either of you want to convert!!

thanksamillion · 20/11/2011 19:27

OP I think that your friend is being rather over zealous in her adherence to her faith but I guess that's her perogative.

Can I just clear up that most Protestant Christians (ie Baptist, Methodist, CofE etc) do think that Catholics are Christians but some don't. The reasons for this come down to a few things including Papal authority, use of icons/praying to Mary, the role of Mary, transubstantiation (ie the belief that at communion the bread and wine literally becomes the body and blood of Christ), er infant baptism and I can't think of any others but I'm sure there are some. It depends on what you think are the core beliefs that make you a Christian or not a Christian and for some people Catholicism steps over that line.

SoupDragon · 20/11/2011 19:37

Actually, I don't know. That part of the memory has passed me by! Less than teens, more than 5... thats as accurate as it gets :)

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 20/11/2011 19:41

soup - no matter what her belief, there's just no excuse for saying that in front of a child :( Anyway, glad it hasn't been plaguing you (until now) :)

sayithowitis · 20/11/2011 19:49

have PM'd you.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread