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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think friend is BU about wedding?

113 replies

hiltonbees · 20/11/2011 01:12

Me and DP are getting married.
We are having a good old fashioned catholic ceremony (though we aren't good little old fashioned catholics really :) )

I am still very good friends with 4 girls I went to school with.

One of these phoned me up tonight and said that she wouldn't be able to attend - I was thinking she was going to be away or something (I asked)

But no - it is because it is in a Catholic church.

She is very active in her church (Baptist). And she does have 'issues' with catholism and other religions as well (she doesnt see RC as christianity) So we always stay away from talking about religion. Eg she doesn't believe in evolution, abortion ect. While I do (told you not a very good little catholic).

Anyway She has said that she cant come to the wedding as it is a Catholic Church and so doesn't feel comfortable being there.

It isn't like she is a JW and cant be in other churches.
We are not asking her to support something she doesnt. By coming she isnt supporting the Catholic Church, she is supporting us.

I was just stuned.

This is one of my oldest friends, not to have her at my wedding would be odd.

AIBU to think she is BU?

I know she has a right to her views but in this incidence AIBU to think it is taking it a tad to far?

OP posts:

Cathycomehome · 20/11/2011 02:03

Well, I'd be hurt too then. If you want to stay friends I suppose you'll just have to accept it. I still think YANBU, have a lovely wedding day!

KatieMiddIeton · 20/11/2011 02:12

Do people believe in evolution? I thought there was scientific evidence. Unlike religious beliefs.

Anyhow, YANBU, she is being an odd ball and not very Christian. Or does her church not do tolerance and understanding.

Ask her what Jesus would do.

Cathycomehome · 20/11/2011 02:15

She might say "Jesus would do the same, as He didn't like Catholics either. Oh, wait..."

maighdlin · 20/11/2011 02:16

YANBU my uncle passed away a few years ago and his own brother would not attend the funeral as it as in a catholic church. my family was northern irish proud prods but my uncle fell in love with a catholic and converted many many years ago when it was a v v controversial thing to do. sad the pain the religion causes.

Original poster

hiltonbees · 20/11/2011 02:16

Well I say I believe in this context because I take the science as fact (therefore I believe in it - compared to thinking it is made up, planted, not as old etc) But I only ever say I 'believe' in evlution when someone talks about it in context to faith/religion.

OP posts:

Joolyjoolyjoo · 20/11/2011 02:32

YANBU! I had a catholic wedding, DH is not catholic, and my MIL is an ardent baptist and had absolutely no problems with either coming to a catholic wedding, or in our children being brought up catholic. We also have a good family friend who is very active in the Baptist church, but married a catholic and had no problem with her own dc being brought up catholic.

I (possibly naively) thought that there wasn't a huge amount of difference between the two religions, and that there was an amount of goodwill between religions

Like you, OP, I am a catholic, but don't adhere to absolutely everything the catholic church tell me. I'd also happily attend a wedding of a friend of any faith- be it Christian/ Muslim/ Hindu/ whatever. It does seem very odd for a good friend not to attend your wedding because of your faith.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 20/11/2011 04:44

How is RC not Christianity?

SittingBull · 20/11/2011 04:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PickleSarnie · 20/11/2011 05:04

No Christian should technically believe in evolution. If they did then the fundamental point of "god created the earth and Adam and Eve etc" doesn't stand true which would nullify pretty much the entire bible.

Which is my main gripe with religion because I couldn't accept that.

CheerfulYank · 20/11/2011 05:21

*Pickle Adam and Eve came last, though. Water, land,sea creatures,birds and land animals, people...evolution and the biblical creation follow roughly the same path. :)

mummytime · 20/11/2011 05:24

PickleSarnie you seem to have got the same issue as a lot of fundamentalists. The Bible is not a Scientific Textbook, it is a piece of literature. Some of which was written to be taken literally (Leviticus and Deuteronmy on the whole, although there are contradictions there), other parts are more figurative eg. Genesis. Genesis is about Why the world was formed not How.
Most Christians accept evolution nowadays.

OP your "friend" is being unreasonable, its not even as if she has to take Mass, just be their. Maybe she needs to speak to the minister at her Church.

weejimmykrankie · 20/11/2011 05:34

It's a bit tricky. I am a committed atheist and don't like attending religious ceremonies as seeing religion practised reinforces my despair/disbelief that modern educated adults subscribe to it. However I would go to a friend's wedding in a religious venue out of acknowledgement (nb not respect) that that is their choice and I can still appreciate the basic concept that it is a compliment that they have asked me to witness their commitment. However I would not join actively in the religious elements. That's easy if Hindu or Jewish as I would not be expected to know the recitations. However in Christian churches I don't say the Lord's prayer, sing the hymns or lower my head during prayer. Just can't bring myself to. I know that this irked my Mum a bit at my Granny's funeral.

I don't go to Carol services even though I like the tunes and the Christmassy feeling in a pavlovian way because they were part of my childhood, but I feel that it's important to be consistent, and that it is people who observe religion without actually believing in it who perpetuate it.

However your friend is behaving in a way which exemplifies the kind of thing that makes me an atheist- allowing the belief that one form of religion is the only acceptable one to cause rifts between friends at what should be a happy time.

Nonetheless the moat diplomatic solution would be to say something along the lines of "shame you feel that way but will be lovely to see you at the reception" and just focus on the things that are good about your friendship.

sashh · 20/11/2011 05:58

Just a different point of view here

Your friend has probably mentioned the invitation to her church, there will probably have been prayers said for her to help her come to the 'right' descision.

Pressure will then have been applied to keep her away from the 'evil' of the RC church.

Just invite her to the reception.

TartyMcFarty · 20/11/2011 06:58

YANBU. My closest friend is Muslim and she did a secular reading for us at our C in W wedding.

daisydotandgertie · 20/11/2011 08:06

The Baptist minster in our town requested his funeral be held in the local Catholic Church - because the Baptist Church was too small. It went very well and had no religious 'issues'.

nicknamenotinuse · 20/11/2011 08:22

You're better off without her at your wedding if that is the way she is. Just accept she's not coming and enjoy your day without her.

Proudnscary · 20/11/2011 08:28

Weirdly enough (weird as I'm an athiest and don't have much time for religion) I see her POV. It is her church's strict rule.

Better she's true to her church than someone professing to be devout then acting hypocritically...

troisgarcons · 20/11/2011 08:30

I work with a baptist - never heard ao much un-christian stuff sprew forth. We're all doomed and damned! He's so right wing it's untrue! Quite, quite barking!

elinorbellowed · 20/11/2011 08:33

I think it's a real shame that she can't put this aside to attend her oldest friend's wedding, and I agree that it's the same god and there should be a bit of understanding around that.
I do however admire her for her lack of hypocrisy. I don't believe in God and therefore I would never marry in church, because I think it's insulting to those of true faith. If I suddenly changed my mind and organised a picturesque church wedding, I would expect quite a few of my friends to call me on it. In that sense, I respect your friends honesty in sticking to her beliefs so strongly. I know that's not quite the same thing, but I think the principle of her being able to tell you she's not comfortable shows her strong feelings and her need to be honest with you.

UnexpectedOrange · 20/11/2011 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 20/11/2011 08:43

YABU. She isn't making you do anything different, just explaining why she doesn't feel able to come. If you can't accept it you are in danger of becoming a bridezilla.

Thumbwitch · 20/11/2011 08:44

I think perhaps she is over-reacting a little but in the end it's her choice. My first BF was a rabid atheist and used to hate going into churches - made him all shaky (complete drama llama) - I used to roll my eyes and tell him I'd believe him when he spontaneously combusted or was struck down by God, and looked for the 666 in his hair. Anyway.

It's her choice. If she chooses to miss out on the essence of your marriage, the marriage ceremony, that's down to her. What is down to you is how much you choose to accommodate her, as in whether or not you want her to come to the rest of your wedding.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 20/11/2011 08:48

I'm a tad confused - I've never heard of a Baptist refusing to go into a Catholic church?! and others on here certainly don't seem to have an issue with it. I wonder if she's got the wrong end of the stick somewhere or whether it's just one of those batso things her particular minister is against?

Anyway, I'd ask her why if other Baptists (ministers at that!!) can have their funerals in a Catholic Church it's so terrible to attend someone else's wedding there.

However, I wouldn't make a huge fuss - and just see if she wants to come to the reception.

At some stage though, because she's a very good friend, I would need to talk to her about this as it sounds as though her world is going to get smaller and smaller if she follows this particular ministers views... and that does seem to be the issue - following this ministers views rather than 'Baptist' views.

Julesnobrain · 20/11/2011 08:49

That's quite sad. It's your faith and she should be a good enough friend to be there to support you and respect you have different beliefs. My DH is a lapsed but devout catholic ie doesn't go to church but still eats fish in Fridays type:-). Any other church/ religion to him is like devil worship!! My SIL is a born again evangelist happy clappy something and I am COE but even he dutifully attend all events including non christian eg a friends Hindu wedding he just doesn't actively participate. Everyone appreciates he is there and it keeps family/ friend harmony.

YANBU I suspect your friendship might have had it's run. What if you have future DC chistenened presumably she would refuse to come to that too?

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 20/11/2011 08:52

UnexpectedOrange - it is not a reasonable comparison 'asking a vegetarian to eat meat because it's your wedding' - it's just like inviting a vegetarian to eat dinner and you eating meat and them not. They don't have to eat meat because you are and they don't have to believe in your religion to watch you get married. You are not asking them to make the vows nor eat the meat.

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