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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think friend is BU about wedding?

113 replies

hiltonbees · 20/11/2011 01:12

Me and DP are getting married.
We are having a good old fashioned catholic ceremony (though we aren't good little old fashioned catholics really :) )

I am still very good friends with 4 girls I went to school with.

One of these phoned me up tonight and said that she wouldn't be able to attend - I was thinking she was going to be away or something (I asked)

But no - it is because it is in a Catholic church.

She is very active in her church (Baptist). And she does have 'issues' with catholism and other religions as well (she doesnt see RC as christianity) So we always stay away from talking about religion. Eg she doesn't believe in evolution, abortion ect. While I do (told you not a very good little catholic).

Anyway She has said that she cant come to the wedding as it is a Catholic Church and so doesn't feel comfortable being there.

It isn't like she is a JW and cant be in other churches.
We are not asking her to support something she doesnt. By coming she isnt supporting the Catholic Church, she is supporting us.

I was just stuned.

This is one of my oldest friends, not to have her at my wedding would be odd.

AIBU to think she is BU?

I know she has a right to her views but in this incidence AIBU to think it is taking it a tad to far?

OP posts:

Julesnobrain · 20/11/2011 09:01

Mmm actually unexpected raises an excellent point. I would not attend a satanist wedding so maybe u friend not BU !!

However my view of religion is that whatever branch of Christian /Muslim/ Jewish religion you subscribe too it all rolls up into the same one god whatever you call him. So maybe she is being a tad precocious.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/11/2011 09:03

I am technically a catholic and got married in a baptist chapel. It was a lovely ceremony - our son was actively included in the service, in contrast to my friend's wedding which was all old school 'fear of God' stuff. I think much depends on the person actually conducting the ceremony.

OP, I would be a little hurt, but would invite my friend to the reception. If you are good friends, then I wouldn't let religion get in the way. Best you both just agree to disagree as that seems to have worked well so far.

UnexpectedOrange · 20/11/2011 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatAndKit · 20/11/2011 09:07

I am a complete dyed in the wool atheist and strongly dislike and disagree with all the religions.

However, I still attend weddings! (and baptisms and funerals for that matter). I'm not there to convert to the faith, I'm there to show support for, and celebrate with, friends who are taking a big step in their lives. I would go to their church wedding same as I would go to a civil wedding.
I met my partner at a mutual friend's church wedding. He is a devout atheist too. Good job we didn't both stay away as we weren't Christians!!

What would she do if she needed to attend a Catholic funeral? Not go?!

Seriously, most normal faiths preach tolerance of others. She has clearly got the wrong end of the stick about what being a Christian means.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 20/11/2011 09:11

UnexpectedOrange - you seem to be confusing principles with beliefs. She is not asking her friend to take RC vows, just to watch her to do it. Exactly the same as inviting a vegetarian to dinner - you can eat meat yourself, she can 'see' you eating meat, but not eat it herself. No difference, no difference at all.

madonnawhore · 20/11/2011 09:11

I think the Catholic church is the biggest organised crime syndicate going. I wouldn't want to go to a Catholic ceremony either.

whatdoiknowanyway · 20/11/2011 09:17

My dad did not attend my sister's wedding because it was NOT held in a catholic church. He loved her, loved her husband to be but would not attend his own daughter's wedding because of where it was held.
Wrong on so many counts.
Religion does strange things to some people.

pigletmania · 20/11/2011 10:44

She is totally barmy, its not like she is being forced to become a Catholic? I had a Catholic wedding, and my Jewish and Muslim friends came to the ceremony. If she is a good friend just ask her to come to the reception then!

pink4ever · 20/11/2011 11:10

YABU for getting married in the church when you clearly dont hold true to its beliefs. At least your friend is respecting her religion.

You cannot pick and choose which bit of your religion you like and disregard the rest. Re-the evolution and abortion bit-are you planning on sending your dcs to catholic schools? because if so then they will be taught that abortion is the root of all evil. I know because dh was brought up catholic and its the main reason he is a rabid atheist now!

Stop being so precious and respect your friends decision-invite her to the reception and be done with it.

LaurieFairyCake · 20/11/2011 11:43

Utterly idiotic.

As a Christian I cannot think of anywhere you could hold it that I would not attend.

Tell her to act in love as is required. I'd find if hard to continue in real, honest friendship with someone so closed minded.

God, if you believe in 'good' is located in people and acts, not fucking buildings and dogma. Fuck 'religion', love is in people.

LatteLady · 20/11/2011 11:51

As someone who is old enough to remember a time when Catholics were not supposed to go into other churches, all you can do is respect her beliefs. The other thing to do is to make sure that there is tea for her at the reception as Baptists are often teetotal - actually one of the nicest wedding receptions I went to was a dry wedding held at a Baptist Hall.

scarlettsmummy2 · 20/11/2011 11:56

This happens all the time in Northern Ireland, even amongst relatively educated people. My mums cousin is married to the NI Minister for Culture- they are free ps and they won't go into a catholic church! and he went to Oxford. Totally nuts.

LoveBeingAFirework · 20/11/2011 12:01

Firstly yes strictly speaking if you believe in god and the bible he created the earth and everything on it and therefore do not believe in evolution. But like the op every takes what they are comfortable with.

I would imagine that part of it is because during the service questions are asked of the attendees like supporting the couple in their catholic marriage.

Groovee · 20/11/2011 12:02

She's being silly. My dh's dad's siblings are Jehovah's Witnesses and they have all attended our weddings in Church of Scotland venues!

Maybe she can just stay at home and sulk.

SoupDragon · 20/11/2011 12:04

If, for some reason I can not fathom, you were getting married in an abattoir, would you be surprised if your vegetarian friends did not attend?

SauvignonBlanche · 20/11/2011 12:04

Sounds like she been 'born again', they hate Catholics. She also sounds very narrow minded.
YANBU.

SoupDragon · 20/11/2011 12:06

" She has said that she cant come to the wedding as it is a Catholic Church and so doesn't feel comfortable being there."

If you are such good friends, why would you want her to be somewhere she is not comfortable? I assume it is simply the ceremony she feels she can not attend but would be happy to celebrate you r marriage at the reception.

ZillionChocolate · 20/11/2011 12:08

I disagree with her Baptist beliefs, I disagree with the Catholic beliefs you hold and the ones you don't. That said, I respect everyone's right to believe whatever they like. I don't think her refusal to come to your wedding ceremony because of where it is taking place is any more unreasonable than your mutual belief that there's a magic being in the sky who is all powerful.

She has politely explained why she feels she cannot be there. She isn't asking you to change anything. Presumably she hasn't spent the last 20 years trying to convert you. She is not being unreasonable.

notcitrus · 20/11/2011 12:22

YANBU. I'd have to quiz her about exactly why entering a Methodist church was OK but a Catholic one wasn't, but at least she's made you aware that she won't attend and if she's a friend you can still have her at the reception.

Which is better than my friend who got married in a Catholic church only for her BIL to stand up and shout about how Catholicism was a crime and generally cause a scene until the best man/ushers (clearly unsurprised) manhandled him out - and he then nearly came to fisticuffs with the groom in the reception venue until I pointed out I was trying to feed ds behind them...

Helltotheno · 20/11/2011 13:01

Religion does strange things to some people.

Ya got that right! I often think people make 'stands' like these just for attention. But whatever the reason, I wouldn't give it too much thought. Surely it won't make much of a difference to you on the day whether she's there or not? Just invite her to the reception (if you want) and tell her to do what she pleases in relation to the church bit.

ChaoticAngel · 20/11/2011 13:10

So she can go to a wedding in a methodist church and go into catholic churches in Italy? Not very consistent is she?

YANBU Whether or not you choose to invite her to the reception is up to you and your DP.

lottiegb · 20/11/2011 13:29

I'm an atheist and 'culturally' C of E (brought up in it) so may have missed some catholic and baptist nuances but, she's not being asked to take communion or in any way make a commitment to the catholic church by attending, is she?

I always go for it with the singing but don't say the creed (the 'I believe..' bit) when attending church services. Not that I think I'd be struck down if I did of course, just being consistent to myself.

'All those who witness your wedding ceremony are ipso facto supporting the dogma of the Roman Catholic Church'

Are they? I've attended such a wedding and had no idea I was committing to support my friends in any way other than through friendship. I am not capable of doing so. So why did they invite me? Their choice, surely.

SoupDragon · 20/11/2011 14:07

Thinking about this, I would be unable to go to a Jehovah's Witness wedding (no idea whether they have them or what they do!). I am tolerant of others beliefs but would be unable to do this because of something a Doorstepper said to my mother about me. I have absolutely no problems with them as people but refuse to have anything to do with their religion.

Trills · 20/11/2011 14:12

YABU

She is not doing anything to disrupt your wedding or inconvenience you or try to make you change your plans. She has not said anything nasty about your choice of religion.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 20/11/2011 14:25

Soup - why would you be unable to go to any JW weddings because of something one person said to your mother? Surely you could go to support the 'people', it doesn't mean you support/condone their religion as a whole?

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