Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with DH for admitting he finds me unattractive

130 replies

moobrain · 19/11/2011 22:20

Asked DH why he was less affectionate to me.

He told me that my legs are 'awful' especially around the thighs.

I got upset and he then said that this was why he doesnt like talking about it.

The thing is I am probably about 1/2 stone heavier than pre-baby, am a size 10, fit most my old clothes apart from my 'thin day' clothes.

AIBU or should I appreciate his honesty (if not his tact!)

OP posts:
verytellytubby · 20/11/2011 20:41

What a bastard.

AnyFucker · 20/11/2011 20:56

I bet he has a very small cock

Heleninahandcart · 20/11/2011 21:13

There is something very, very wrong here. Whatever it is, it is certainly not your thighs. He is a complete tosser and I would be listening very carefully to any other nonsense he comes out with. He is either thinking about or actually cheating or deliberately trying to undermine you with something it was easy for you feel vulnerable about. Nasty in either case.

RomanKindle · 20/11/2011 23:28

When he asks why you are now being less affectionate towards him you can tell him it's because he's a shallow, nasty bellend.

timidviper · 20/11/2011 23:35

What a pillock! He doesn't deserve a caring wife.

I put on loads of weight after having DCs but DH still loves me and maintains as long as I am healthy and we are both happy then it's fine. That's how a real man is supposed to be.

Tell your husband to grow up and get over himself.

BerylStreep · 21/11/2011 16:23

Some men are really funny about weight. I remember when I was 18 going out with a guy who said almost the same thing. I was only 8 1/2 stone, but had put on 1/2 a stone, up from 8. I realise now that there was nothing wrong with me - it was just my body maturing, but for years and years I viewed myself as fat after that (which is a shame, because I really am quite porky now, and I wish I had spent more time appreciating my body when I was actually slim). He turned out to be very controlling - wouldn't let me go out without him, would 'inspect' what I was wearing to ensure it was modest enough - I could go on -generally a complete twat.

I also had a couple of male friends who seemed obsessed with my weight - I had to tell one of them that I didn't want to discuss my weight every time I met him (I was still very slim then, but thinking I was fat).

This is a reflection on him, not you. Please don't let him crush your self-confidence. As it stands, he is being less affectionate towards you and he is blaming your thighs for it. I agree with the posters who say that there must be more to this - and if there is not, he is exceptionally shallow.

It is only for you to decide what you want to do, but I think at the very least you need to tell him that his attitude is unacceptable. He needs to accept that if you are going to grow old together, there are going to be lots of physical changes to both of you in the coming years.

WhyAlwaysBoris · 21/11/2011 16:40

After reading this I am going to give my DH such a big cuddle when he comes through the door this evening.

OP this man is a nasty bully.
Being less affectionate to you sounds like a passive agressive thing to me, he is punishing you for not meeting his expectations. Horrible.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 21/11/2011 16:45

I am big all over Smile dh loves me, said one day when I told him how I was loads bigger than when me met that he hadn really noticed, he loves me for me whatever I look like. there must be something more to it op.

racingheart · 21/11/2011 16:49

Everyone seems ot be saying what a dickhead, which probably insn't that helpful, as I'm guessing with a small baby in tow you don't have an almighty urge to trash your marriage immediately and strike out on your own. (If you do, good for you.) But there could be more to this. He could have that phobia many men have about sex after their wives have a baby. They have an aversion to sharing her body and get squeamish about where the baby comes from and breastfeeding - all sorts of things. Not big, not clever but also not intentional.
I'd confront him very confidently and calmly. Tell him you are slimmer than most women, and ask what's behind his huge over reaction to your small weight gain. See if he come sup with any underlying reasons.
It's possible that a man is just a dick that he can't get excited by a woman unless she's shaped like a stick but such men are very rare. More likely there's something else behind it that can be resolved.

AnyFucker · 21/11/2011 16:52

The men that I have known to be overly obsessed with a few pounds here and there, and generally very finicky about a woman's appearance, were invariably gay (or in the closet)

just sayin'

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 21/11/2011 17:59

Anyfucker that rings true, a colleague of mine had trouble with DH saying he did not find her attractive as she was overweight and kept trying to change her then ran off with one of his (many as it turned out) male lovers

racingheart · 22/11/2011 13:41

Anyfucker, I was thinking that too, but didn't have the courage to say it. I'm wayyy bigger than OP but DH whimpers happily about it all, and so have others before him. The only men I know who loathe curves in a woman are creepy in some way - closet gays or have a preference as one dear partner of a friend said, for women that look like 12 year old girls. Er, yuck.

AnyFucker · 22/11/2011 17:16

I know RH

ditto yuk and creepy

I would add also that if they are not gay and not in the closet, then they are often controlling arseholes with mummy issues

just sayin' (again)

AnyFucker · 22/11/2011 17:18

and for the record, I have no issue with homosexual males or females

what I do have a problem with is people who take out their own shitty issues on others, often destroying a perfectly normal-sized person's self esteem in the process

wordfactory · 22/11/2011 17:49

Hmmm...

Either he is the sort of man that stops finding his wife attractive because she puts on a few pounds (which is not the sort of man any woman should have to put up with)
Or he is lying.

I suspect it's the later. No man of my aquaintance ever stopped fnding a woman sexy because of their upper thighs.

OurPlanetNeptune · 22/11/2011 18:03

He is being a fucking arse. A twat of the highest order. But how anyone can suggest he is in the closet from the little the disappeared OP has written is beyond me. That is one massive leap that I do find offensive.

AnyFucker · 22/11/2011 21:07

why do you find it offensive, neptune ?

and do you find it more offensive than a man wrecking his partners self esteem over a bit of thigh wobble ?

I don't

OurPlanetNeptune · 22/11/2011 21:53

Why I find it offensive: the idea that a man might be a closet homosexual because he tells his wife she has fat thighs.

You said:
The men that I have known to be overly obsessed with a few pounds here and there, and generally very finicky about a woman's appearance, were invariably gay (or in the closet)

It seems to be attributing a certain vile characteristic to gay men (closeted or not). There are plenty of straight men who display this same character flaw. I hazard a guess this man is a raging misogynist above all else.

Do I find it more offensive than a man wrecking his partner's self esteem?
No, I don't. Why make that very strange comparison? Very, very bizarre.

vincettenoir · 22/11/2011 22:01

I mean if you quizzed him doggedly to find out if he still fancies you as much as he ever did and this led to him admitting that perhaps he didn't. Then yeah, I guess that you would have to appreciate his honesty. My dp is sometimes too honest and i accept thats how he is. But to offer this up as a reason for not being affectionate sounds like he's being a bit of a dick. I hope that you work things out.

AnyFucker · 22/11/2011 22:09

neptune, perhaps you would like to read my follow up post Smile

OurPlanetNeptune · 22/11/2011 22:19

I did.

Esta3GG · 22/11/2011 22:28

Some men just like to make women feel bad about themsleves - especially if the man in question is batting above his weight.
The ability to make women feel ugly is something a lot of men don't hesitate to exploit. It is a power trip.

racingheart · 22/11/2011 22:44

It seems to be attributing a certain vile characteristic to gay men (closeted or not)

But people aren't nice just because they're gay, Neptune. Why might a closet gay man not be vile to his wife to hide the fact he doesn't find her attractive because she has curves? Some gay men are horrified and repulsed by female bodies and make no secret of the fact. Some aren't bothered either way. Some hide the fact they are repulsed because they're also repulsed by their own desires.

The OP describes something extreme. She's not massively overweight (like me.) If my DP said he was repulsed I'd be upset but know why. Because I have let myself go and am larger than is conventionally attractive right now. He doesn't, he chases after me, as do the men of all the large women I know. But the OP sounds like she has a body to drool for (post baby size 10?)

Insomnia11 · 22/11/2011 22:45

He sounds like a controlling wanker. There is no problem with your weight, it sounds like he is trying to make you have one.

I'm three stone heavier than when I met my husband but I was pretty thin for me then, doing shed loads of exercise and now I find it a challenge to find the time to fit any in, let alone the amount I was doing then. I am overweight, though not obese, and pretty healthy. And actually I'm only a stone heavier than what I weighed when I was 16, which isn't bad twenty years later. I'm a size 14 and quite tall so not massive I don't think. I actually quite like my body naked though even now, it looks like one of those classical paintings, whereas it used to look more thin and athletic. I think either are fine! It's the change of lifestyle when you've had kids that can make you put on weight. Plus you don't have time to go out and treat yourself in other ways so it's easy to turn to food and wine.

Above all don't feel bad. It's very hard to stay slim in modern life but it sounds like you are doing a better job than most!

OurPlanetNeptune · 22/11/2011 23:17

racing and people are not horrible because they are gay.

It goes without saying that there are men in the closet who are vile, and men who are openly gay who are vile, and there straight men who are vile.

What I found difficult to comprehend was the inference that this type of character flaw most probably indicates a man is gay. No it doesn't, it indicates an odious individual.

I know of three men who would have no qualms about disparaging and belittling their female partners in a similar manner. It has never entered my mind that they could be gay.