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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset with DH for admitting he finds me unattractive

130 replies

moobrain · 19/11/2011 22:20

Asked DH why he was less affectionate to me.

He told me that my legs are 'awful' especially around the thighs.

I got upset and he then said that this was why he doesnt like talking about it.

The thing is I am probably about 1/2 stone heavier than pre-baby, am a size 10, fit most my old clothes apart from my 'thin day' clothes.

AIBU or should I appreciate his honesty (if not his tact!)

OP posts:
worraliberty · 19/11/2011 22:51

Argy we're talking 7lbs here not 7 bloody stone!

ArgyMargy · 19/11/2011 22:53

Ok I'm gone. Sorry! Thanks

TheCountessRoyalofBlood · 19/11/2011 22:54

I thought you weren't meant to base a relationship on looks alone. Bloody hope not otherwise my dh will be well out the door and that is with me losing 2 stone!

ArgyMargy · 19/11/2011 22:55

Heh heh Counting - yes, but a large one! (really going now)

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 19/11/2011 22:57

YANBU he sounds a prized twat. Wonder if he's in exactly the same shape as he was when you first met him OP? I know neither me or my DP look as we did when we first met 7 years ago. Still fancy him though. (except when he does one of his foul farts obviously)

Hardgoing · 19/11/2011 23:00

Well, it doesn't bode well, a remark like that. Even if you stay exactky the same size, which is unlikely, bits start to sag and bag and quite frankly, your body at 60/70/80 will be wrinkly whatever cosmetic procedures you have done to your face.

I would be very upset by this remark. I am also not really sure if it is actually true, I find it quite surprising that your husband is suddenly turned off by 2 extra kilos (which can't all be on your thighs) as my general experience is all my male friends and my hubby continue to like and fancy their partners after having children. So, either he is obsessed by perfection, which is a problem, or he is trying to say stuff like this to undermine your confidence (why?)

Either way, it's not nice and I wouldn't be looking to lose weight, I would be looking to see in what ways he enhanced and supported my life, I'm guessing there are other issues than wobbly thighs behind that remark.

trixymalixy · 19/11/2011 23:01

Bloody hell, YASNBU. I dream of being a size 10!!

effingwotsits · 19/11/2011 23:02

If you are a size 10 and have "awful thighs" then fucking hell what hope is there.

Tell him he has a small dick!

helendigestives · 19/11/2011 23:04

My partner and I both recently put on quite a bit of weight (lack of exercise, bad diet) and neither has made those kind of comments about the other. We've also both had eating disorder symptoms in the past, so we understand how delicate it can be. It doesn't matter what he looks like - I love him.

I had an ex who said I "could do with losing some weight". I ditched all 25 stone of him. Grin

OldMotherDismass · 19/11/2011 23:05

Your dh should love the changes in your body, because it is that body which gave him a beautiful dc!

I am now almost 2 stones heavier than I was pre-dc. I know for myself I should loose weight, but thankfully dh doesn't make me feel hung up about it (I am now size 12, was on the small side of size 8 - btw at size 8 an ex-boyfriend still told me I had "spare tyres", some men just seem to think all women should look like they do in the magazines).

helendigestives · 19/11/2011 23:12

Just to add to what someone else said - it's really irrelevant how big you are: it's how he's treating you that's the crucial bit.

EricNorthmansMistress · 19/11/2011 23:13

Thing is, it doesn't matter if you are a size 10 or 20 - a caring partner never, ever tells their partner that any part of their body is 'awful'. I can't lie, I'd fancy DH less if he was overweight ( hypocrite alert) but if he was, I'd try to ignore it and offer support to lose weight if he wanted to. I wouldn't stop wanting to be with him completely as sex is far more than a physical thing.
I'll give you an example of how a nice man deals with this. I've always been curvy, naturally lazy and a bit unfit. H preferred slim women, before me. Since getting pg I got fat and never lost it all. He never mentions my weight ina negative way, still likes to have sex with me, and never gives the impression he'd rather I was thinner, though I'm sure he would, a bit. Today I told him i started the 30 day shred. He was really enthusiastic for me, told me he was proud of me and said how great that I was going to be more healthy. I felt really good and supported. Did your P make you feel good and supported with his comment?

onlyjoking9329 · 19/11/2011 23:16

Yes I think you should lose some weight, in the shape of your insensitive husband .

Signet2012 · 19/11/2011 23:16

OP

In the last 6 years from meeting DP to now I have put on 5 stone. I hate my body. I hate myself for letting myself get this big. (im a 18, possibly a 20 if Im totally honest and 5ft 5)

Every day my partner tells me Im beautiful. Without fail.
He gropes me at every available opportunity - to my horror sometimes!

I dont believe Im gorgeous, Im fat and I know I am. However, I believe in his eyes, to him I am.

Shame on your (D)P.

worraliberty · 19/11/2011 23:20

Good post Eric that's what it's all about....love and support.

I wouldn't find my DH as attractive as I do if he gained a huge flabby belly, but I wouldn't make him feel like a piece of shit if he did. I'd support him in getting rid of it.

The two things I find least attractive in a person is nastiness and self loathing and I'm sure if someone is that nasty to their partner, it brings on self loathing eventually.

RonnieBirtles · 19/11/2011 23:22

He sounds like a nasty little shit.

VeryStressedMum · 19/11/2011 23:36

Appreciate his honesty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????????
No, do not appreciate his honesty because this was downright nasty IMO, not honest.

You sound like you're in great shape, but even if you weren't he shouldn't be saying that to you, and shame on him for thinking it.
You have a right to be adored just for being you and because you are the mother of his child.

My dh would be bloody delighted if I were only half a stone heavier than before I had the dc's!! But actually I don't know if he would because he doesn't tell me and certainly doesn't make me feel it!!

Tell him that you do not find him attractive because of his ugly personality and shallow mindedness. And while you're at it tell him if he doesn't appreciate it there will be a hundred other men that will so bloody well shape up and get over himself. I assume he's a magnificent specimen of a man Hmm

BerylStreep · 19/11/2011 23:38

He sounds like he was deliberately trying to undermine your confidence.

(although my DH did say he thought I had podgekins disease Shock)

carernotasaint · 19/11/2011 23:52

OP your DH is a shallow bastard. maybe hes also got problems down below and is trying to shift the blame. Ive been 21 stone and a size 28 in the past.i then got down to 10 stone 12 and a size 12 to 14. It didnt really make a difference to Dh as im in a sexless marriage but just after losing the weight i did have an affair with a man who liked my new body (even with the slightly loose skin caused by the weight loss. Unfortunately after the affair ended i gained some weight back (this has all happened over the last ten years) but i have gone back to slimming class and its taken me three months to lose eleven pounds.
I dont really know if i will ever have sex again because comments like the one your DH made really put me off of getting undressed in front of another man. It terrifies me.
Its also occured to me that mens magazines are as much,if not more to blame for skewed versions of what women should look like than the celebrity ones.
How old is your DH by the way? Im just wondering if hes from what i like to call the FHM generation.

cherrysodalover · 20/11/2011 00:04

It is hurtful but the truth is some men really ate like this.
I remember being a size ten and a guy I was dating saw me in a swim costume and asked if I had ever had to manage my weight!!!
The warning signs should have been ther on date one when he saw my shoulders and said I looked like a little bird that could be snapped in two.....
He was obsessed with bodies being slim.
He was shocked to discover I had the thighs of a non bird like female I think.
The trick is to not marry men like this.
They can't help themselves in fact.they just like women thin and cannot disguise it. But hurtful it is indeed.

Thruaglassdarkly · 20/11/2011 03:19

What a total FUCKER!!! Leave the bastard (have been wanting to say that for months, but in context and here it is!) He's as deep as a puddle on a hot day.

FellatioNelson · 20/11/2011 04:02

There are (unfortunately) some men who think that they are judged and valued based on the level of attractiveness of the woman on their arm. So if the woman 'goes downhill' in any way or 'let's herself go' as she ages or has children, they see it as a direct slur on them, and on their status as a man.

Men like this are all shallow pathetic arseholes. HTH.

Or, this may not actually be about your thighs, but about your relationship - and he is just picking holes and being ridiculously over-critical beacuse he is subconciously looking for a reason to leave.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 20/11/2011 05:10

Was he this much of a prick before you married him?

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 20/11/2011 06:01

Think you should post his number on here so us angry MN'rs can give him what for!!

What - A - Cock End!!!Angry

CheerfulYank · 20/11/2011 06:25

Oooh, you know what's a really great exercise for slimming those thighs?

A really quick, high-knees type of move. Do that, and make sure your kneecap makes hard, direct contact with his balls. It's the only way it'll work. Wink

That's what I'd do...but then again, as DH once said with great affection, "Cheerful really is a vengeful little fucker..." :o