wife thinks I can help more and very angry with me

[Homer1978]

I have a problem and I need your advice. I have a strong, beautiful, smart, ambitious wife. our gorgeous little Baby Girl is turning 4 months next week. My wife said the other night that even in Mumsnet they reckon that she is like a single mom. It crashed me.
I want you perhaps to show me the other side, perhaps I am doing something wrong, perhaps I need to change my perspective.

We have been married for 2 years, knowing each other 4, this is our first one. We love each other like crazy (or I can speak for myself).
I am running my own biz with 200 employees and offices around the world. I leave to work at 07:30 return at 18:00. In the last 4 months I can count on one hand the times I returned after 18:00 (at around 19:00), 3 of which were last week. I traveled abroad for Biz, 3 times in 4 months, for 2-3 days each time.
My wife is alone in the country as her Family (that anyway are not a warm family but good people though) lives in Germany.
She is working in a high-tech company as an analyst and took 4 months Maternity leave. The only help we get is from my Parents that are helping a lot relatively and from a babysitter that we took in the last month that comes 3 times a week during the day for 3 hours at the time.

Where is the problem? She reckons that I am not helping enough and I reckon that I don?t know any husband that helps more than me (considering the circumstances). Although it sounds quite like a simple argument, it got her to treat me really bad and accuse me of her problems (gaining weight, being exhausted?) and it reached a boiling point, that I fear can harm our future.
I am not perfect, like her I am righteous, I can say sometimes things I don?t mean. However, I am Loyal, Loving, caring. As for the Caring, I care too much and it is a problem as I get stressed from things (is our BG cold/warm/healthy?). I am confident in our relations that they are based on mutual love and a lot of passion (recently from obvious reasons I am more ?passionate??).

Now for the Technicals: in the first month I looked after our BG 5 hours a day from 18:00 to 23:00 every day (after returning from work), my wife slept at that time as the nights were rough., at 23:00 she put her to bed.
After a month we started a shower routine at 20:00 then feeding and then sleeping hence, I looked after her from 18:00-20:00 including giving her a bath every night up till today. Then my wife breastfed her and put her into bed. I never put our BG to bed till today and never woke up at night for her cries.
On weekends almost on a regular basis I m spending all mornings with our BG. 3-4 hours in the mornings and my wife usually sleeps. The rest of the weekend I would say that we spend time looking after her equally (of course I don?t breastfeed so my wife spends a bit more time with her).
I am very involved, singing, reading, jumping, changing Diapers, showering? and love our BG like there is no tmrw and it is reciprocal.
Last week we started to gradually give her formula and my wife wants to stop breastfeeding her completely at the age of 4 months ( I personally prefer that she will do it for couple of more months, however I support her decision and don?t give her hard time at all). I also support her decision to go back to work after 4 months (I like the fact that she is ambitious).

What does my wife want from me? ( I will try to be as much as accurate as possible and represent her side on the best way):
That I didn?t put our BG to bed till now, that I came back from work late (at 19:00 3-4 times), that I don?t take my wife out on a date, that I am not helping enough with the baby.
That I was stressed when she was pregnant (I admitted in my stressfulness and apologized and she says that she forgave me). That I wake her up in the weekend mornings asking her how was the night (I am doing so as I am spending 3-4 hours with our BG so I need to know when she needs to eat etc?). that she is dead tired, exhausted, feel bad about her body and I cannot understand and support enough.

Her perspective of equal relationships is the actual 50-50 however, I say that it doesn?t work like that and being equal is nice in saying but as I am working hard and she isn?t we cannot spend equally the burdens and responsibilities. When she will be back at work in 10 days , I believe that things will be more equal. I support this approach and will contribute my part in almost an equal way.

My problem is getting worse, as she is building this ?loathy? feeling towards me, that is tearing us apart.
If she is depressed, the it is a relief since it should pass, if not, then it is serious as I don?t expect from someone who loves me to feel so negative about me.

I need your help, please let me know what I can do more? Is she really a ?single mom??

Sorry that's too long

apologies, you are right, however if my wife reads it, i must be accurate :)

ok, you work hard and you work long hours and you try to care for your daughter in between...
BUT
What else do you do? Do you chuck in a wash load? runt he hoover over, do some ironing? Do you unload the dishwasher occasionally?

Could it be that you look after the baby ONLY? Is she expected to look after baby AND do the lions share of the house work?
Curious???

Yes tto long but I think the general jist is that you are both struggling to accept the reality of being new parents!!!

Its hard work and a juggling act, maybe she will feel better once she is at work maybe not as that is when guilt really starts to come into its own!

I am a single parent so I don't think she is a single parent by a long shot!!! A single parent has no bback up, no one to sound off to in the evenings, no one to support them financially so in that respect yanbu!

Firstly it isn't called "helping" - it is called "parenting" when you are looking after the child and "pulling your weight" when doing tasks around the home you both share.

To describe it as "helping" gives the impression that you think it is her responsibility and you are doing a favour. But it is equally your responsibility.

And of course she is working hard while you are out at your "biz". She is taking care of a very young baby. To suggest you are working hard and she isn't is very insulting to her.

If you intend to change in 10 days time then why not start now. Listen to what she wants. Try asking her.
Perhaps you could do some of the nightfeeding since you have got to 4 months not doing any of it. You could take turns at putting the baby to bed while your wife has a chance to have a nice bath or something. It's good to be involved with playing with the baby and jumping and reading and stuff but perhaps your wife feels you only want to do the fun stuff and you should also be doing some of the more mundane jobs like cleaning the bathroom and making the dinner?

Only your wife can tell you what she wants from you.

You'll have to ask her in a way that will encourage her to tell you what you can do to help. It seems that she has focused on what your haven't done. Or is this just what you have picked up on? A simple "what can I do to help you?" may work.

A couple of points: you seem (naturally) to be both concentrating entirely on your DD. How about concentrating on one another from time to time?

What do you do when your wife is bfing? Perhaps do some housework? And don't wake her up in the mornings!

Show her how much you adore her; tell her how gorgeous and wonderful she is, take her out, treat her as your wife, rather than a tired and exhausted new mother. Her sense of identity may have taken a hit after birth - it's quite a shocking experience after all.

Adjusting to a new baby is always difficult. I assume you and your wife had found an equilibrium in your relationship before the baby, regarding time spent at work, time spent together, time doing chores around the house, etc. and now it's all been turned on its head.

I appreciate you are working but for your wife it's quite tough to be left alone looking after the baby for such long periods of time. It sounds like you are doing the best you can under the circumstances, but is there no way you can change the circumstances? E.g. work fewer hours, or stop travelling abroad while the baby is young?

As you say things will change again now that your wife is going back to work.

She needs to feel loved, appreciated, respected (think about what you need from her, its all the same things).

How much do you do round the house? I cook and wash the dishes and dh does 90% of the washings and hanging up and we both share cleaning and tidying. He sorts all the washing out and puts away in the right drawers.

Our dd is 11 and ds is 9 and when dd was younger he used to play with her while I made dinner then we took turns in bathing her and putting her to bed. Whoever was downstairs would wash her bottles and tidy up (we had a dishwasher back then).

When ds came along we took it in turns to put the children to bed at the same time, one of us with dd and one with ds.

I'm disabled now so can't do certain things like lift one arm above my head so he does anything that requires me to do it or dd does it for me if he's not here.

Best thing to do is ASK your wife what she would like help wise if you don't know.

I have no idea what you're asking, but if your wife says you aren't doing enough, you aren't doing enough.

Show her this thread as you don't sound like an unreasonable person and obviously live her. Let her read what you have written, allow her to tell you what's making her unhappy.

It sounds on paper like you do a fair bit, but you don't mention housework, who does that? Look, ot's possible she is depressed, or tired, or just bored. Having a baby is a huge adjustment and yours is still very new. I suggest you try to make an effort to relate to her as a person, not just as 'mum' and see if you can reconnect. And have an honest think about the housework - are you doing your share - and by this I don't necessarily mean 50% exactly, but do you make a mess and leave it for her to tidy, do you do jobs as you go, or do you blunder through the house leaving a trail of mess? Oh and don't wake her at the weekends!

Typo : sorry I meant 'Love' her not 'live' her

It sounds like you are doing quite a bit. I think the problem may be that your wife wants you to be a bit more pro-active; not asking her what to do with regards to the baby and the housework, but just pitch in. Easier said than done though, especially in the early days.

Also, she may be feeling a bit down and often we can take this out on those closest to us.
Try and sit down when the baby is sleeping and establish specific things that she thinks you are not doing, rather than a general vague thing. Then come back on and tell us what those things are!

Oh yeah, and tell her that she is in no way like a single parent!

Is this a response to a thread from earlier? Apologies if not, the circumstances sound familiar...

Grr, was typing lovely reply and silly laptop mashed up and lost it! So,

Firstly, it sounds like you are doing more than my DP did, and he worked shorter hours than you, however, I was happy with who did what in our relationship so it wasn't a problem!

Secondly, as others have said, only your wife can tell you what she wants from you. Having a baby is a massive change in a couple lives, both as individuals, and a couple, so of course there can be minor 'problems'

I think the 2 of you need to sit down and have a conversation about what you both want. If you aren't able to do this without arguing, then maybe write it down, swap letters, then compromise. Why are you waking your wife up at the weekends, unless DD wants a feed of course? Do you tell her she is gorgeous? I felt hideous after tle birth of both my DC, but DP assured me I am gorgeous, even with my wobbly bits and stretch marks, because they are from our babies. :)

I'll admit, I have no idea what washing machine I have, and I do ALL the washing here, being the only adult in the house!

So while the wife gets a nice lie in and a long soak in the bath when does the OP get chill out time from his stressful business?

I've had three kids, new babies sleep A LOT, it just wasn't as big a deal as some make it out to be, I had a wee afternoon nap with the baby if I'd been up in the night. My kids were all sleeping all night by 3 months old.

Why is it such a big deal for some?

It is hard to say if you are helping enough or not, but either way your wife feels you are not so there is an issue to be addressed.

After giving birth and the intensity of the first few months all things baby related can seem relentless. Your body is different (boobs no longer your own, post birth changes to you tummy and privates. Hips and hair and skin) you are tired (there is something about night feeds which gets sooo draining even if you get early evening sleep and a lie in)

Your wife might be feeling like, even though you have sole charge of your baby quite a bit, she still gets the raw end of the deal. sometimes breastfeeding can feel like it takes over your life, when you are the one and only person who can feed your baby

How do you share other duties like housework? Could you chip in more there? Will you be sharing night feeds going forward?

You might find your wife is happier when back at work as she will have some truly baby free time, but be sure to keep doing your 50% of the duties as it's hard to work and keep a house clean with such a young baby

Also, consider asking if there is anything your wife would like you to take responsibility for going forward - she might have some specific ideas herself

Its easy to underestimate how hard it is looking after a small baby when you are not actually there doing it. Its hard to understand how pregnancy physically drains you and how long it takes to recover when you haven't been pregnant yourself. I looked after a relative from 2 weeks to 4 weeks when her mother was in hospital. I can confirm its a piece of piss looking after a baby when you haven't had to actually grow it yourself.

You don't mention anything about housework, only looking after the baby. Are you doing any?
Maybe your attitude of 'helping' rather than taking ownership is enraging her. Does she have to direct you?

Husbands and wives should not 'help'. They should share. I had two DCs within 14 months and my XH only 'helped' after nagging and it was never with housework. I can never forget asking him to wash the kitchen floor when I was 8 Months pregnamt with DC2 and he told me it was my job (in those days when we had to get on our hands and knees to do it). Give him his due though - he was good at DIY.

My dear second DH was better at housework than I was but shared absolutely everything - from housework to money matters. I couldn't have met a nicer, lovelier man.