wife thinks I can help more and very angry with me

[Homer1978]

I have a problem and I need your advice. I have a strong, beautiful, smart, ambitious wife. our gorgeous little Baby Girl is turning 4 months next week. My wife said the other night that even in Mumsnet they reckon that she is like a single mom. It crashed me.
I want you perhaps to show me the other side, perhaps I am doing something wrong, perhaps I need to change my perspective.

We have been married for 2 years, knowing each other 4, this is our first one. We love each other like crazy (or I can speak for myself).
I am running my own biz with 200 employees and offices around the world. I leave to work at 07:30 return at 18:00. In the last 4 months I can count on one hand the times I returned after 18:00 (at around 19:00), 3 of which were last week. I traveled abroad for Biz, 3 times in 4 months, for 2-3 days each time.
My wife is alone in the country as her Family (that anyway are not a warm family but good people though) lives in Germany.
She is working in a high-tech company as an analyst and took 4 months Maternity leave. The only help we get is from my Parents that are helping a lot relatively and from a babysitter that we took in the last month that comes 3 times a week during the day for 3 hours at the time.

Where is the problem? She reckons that I am not helping enough and I reckon that I don?t know any husband that helps more than me (considering the circumstances). Although it sounds quite like a simple argument, it got her to treat me really bad and accuse me of her problems (gaining weight, being exhausted?) and it reached a boiling point, that I fear can harm our future.
I am not perfect, like her I am righteous, I can say sometimes things I don?t mean. However, I am Loyal, Loving, caring. As for the Caring, I care too much and it is a problem as I get stressed from things (is our BG cold/warm/healthy?). I am confident in our relations that they are based on mutual love and a lot of passion (recently from obvious reasons I am more ?passionate??).

Now for the Technicals: in the first month I looked after our BG 5 hours a day from 18:00 to 23:00 every day (after returning from work), my wife slept at that time as the nights were rough., at 23:00 she put her to bed.
After a month we started a shower routine at 20:00 then feeding and then sleeping hence, I looked after her from 18:00-20:00 including giving her a bath every night up till today. Then my wife breastfed her and put her into bed. I never put our BG to bed till today and never woke up at night for her cries.
On weekends almost on a regular basis I m spending all mornings with our BG. 3-4 hours in the mornings and my wife usually sleeps. The rest of the weekend I would say that we spend time looking after her equally (of course I don?t breastfeed so my wife spends a bit more time with her).
I am very involved, singing, reading, jumping, changing Diapers, showering? and love our BG like there is no tmrw and it is reciprocal.
Last week we started to gradually give her formula and my wife wants to stop breastfeeding her completely at the age of 4 months ( I personally prefer that she will do it for couple of more months, however I support her decision and don?t give her hard time at all). I also support her decision to go back to work after 4 months (I like the fact that she is ambitious).

What does my wife want from me? ( I will try to be as much as accurate as possible and represent her side on the best way):
That I didn?t put our BG to bed till now, that I came back from work late (at 19:00 3-4 times), that I don?t take my wife out on a date, that I am not helping enough with the baby.
That I was stressed when she was pregnant (I admitted in my stressfulness and apologized and she says that she forgave me). That I wake her up in the weekend mornings asking her how was the night (I am doing so as I am spending 3-4 hours with our BG so I need to know when she needs to eat etc?). that she is dead tired, exhausted, feel bad about her body and I cannot understand and support enough.

Her perspective of equal relationships is the actual 50-50 however, I say that it doesn?t work like that and being equal is nice in saying but as I am working hard and she isn?t we cannot spend equally the burdens and responsibilities. When she will be back at work in 10 days , I believe that things will be more equal. I support this approach and will contribute my part in almost an equal way.

My problem is getting worse, as she is building this ?loathy? feeling towards me, that is tearing us apart.
If she is depressed, the it is a relief since it should pass, if not, then it is serious as I don?t expect from someone who loves me to feel so negative about me.

I need your help, please let me know what I can do more? Is she really a ?single mom??

Okay, I'm in a similar situation except I don't work, but my husband is gone by the time we all get up, and comes home about half an hour before the children go to bed, and is sometimes gone all night if he's got a work do or is travelling elsewhere. So 2 or 3 times a week I'm on my lonesome (tonight for instance)

I'll try and briefly bullet point who does what.

Weekdays:
I get kids up, off to preschool/nursery, or entertain them on non preschool days, taking them to play, park, activities, etc etc and supervising at home
I do the basic cleaning of the house including bathrooms and hoovering, and do all cooking. He does the majority of dishwasher unpacking and wiping up the kitchen after dinner, as this is something that gets done after he is home.
I tend to do bath/pj's but he does children's teeth cleaning and story. He does this whilst I perhaps tidy the last of the downstairs bits and pieces or finish cooking dinner etc.
I wash my clothes, kids clothes, put them away etc but he does his own and irons his own shirts. I do sometimes put a wash of his on to make up a load, but he prefers to do it because "I'm not his slave though that might be fun"
If the clean clothes pile in the spare room is getting silly he might blitz it on a Saturday morning.

Weekends
Saturday morning is my lie-in, Sunday is his. You sleep till you canne sleep no more (that is the rule) while the other does kids.
Saturday we either both take my son to his swimming lesson or he takes both kids there. Then weekends are a mishmash of house stuff/kids stuff/general family time. He sort of defaults to sorting kids and I default to sorting general house/cooking of the light everyday variety with the exception of the futility room which is his domain.
He does quite a bit in terms of some rather crap weekly tasks. Bins, his job. Recycling bucket, which overflows every day or two, his job. He feeds the cat morning and night. He brushes her and snips her mattes (she's persian). He does her litter tray. He does the nappy bucket, and he unpacks the dishwasher, and wipes up the utility room side etc. He puts the bins out on a Monday night.

So he does bursts of rather unappealing housework which I am particularly glad not to have to do, whilst I keep the rest ticking over. Occasionally I get the agency cleaners in to blitz the place particularly if we are entertaining on the weekend. We outsource garden/lawn care. I get the car washed at Homebase. I fill my own car with diesel, he his. He does most nappies on the weekend. He occasionally gets up for a crying child during the week but to be honest we don't have much of that these days. Other times I'll get up. It "should" be me because I get a lot more sleep than him but to be honest its a non-issue between us, its whoever is in the lightest sleep because its so seldom these days its not a saga.

I don't know if that's any help but I think its reasonable. Whether its normal, who knows. It sometimes helps to know what others do.

It should also be said if someone wants to go out "alone" or have "me time" on the weekend, we float the idea by the other. We don't ask, we don't tell, we float, and discuss. Its generally known that brownie points banks run out quickly so each of us are choosy about what we do.

Have you asked her, be you it's not the sharing the baby related stuff thats the problem.

1. Empty the bins/put out the bins every now and then
2. Do the washing up sometimes, or put it in the dishwasher
3. If she cooks, cook for her once a week

Rational, not all new babies sleep a lot! When they don't sleep well-it's utterly exhausting, and it is quite a random business, and usually not something you have done marvelously if they sleep thru by 3 months!

So while the wife gets a nice lie in and a long soak in the bath when does the OP get chill out time from his stressful business?

I do agree with this though! Like Tatty says, take it in turns to have a lie-in!

SGM

"In fact, without going to check can you say what type of washer/dryer you have? You'd be surprised at the number of studies where men, who claim to do "laundry" can't actually name the brand or size of their washing machine."

Really? What will this tell you? I have no fucking clue off the top of my head what type and size of washing machine I have. Most people have other things to care about.

err, you really MUST STOP waking herup in themornings when she is shattered and trying to recover - maybe shes only had 2 or 3 hours sleep. YOU work out what baby needs- offer food/milk or whatever and if she deosnt want it she wont eat it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1344823-new-thread-AIBU-to-feel-like-a-married-single-mum-DH-convinced-me-this-was-nirmal

When do you eat???
I actually think you are doing a lot considering the very long hours you work.
Your wife gets a lot of time away from the baby including the 3 hours 3 times a week and at least a couple of hours every evening.
I don't now any other SAHPs that get this much time without baby, and the baby will also take naps during the day.
The worst months are already over and she should be beginning to fall into some routine and get used to the realities of being a parent by now.
She sounds like she is struggling.

"...and usually not something you have done marvelously if they sleep thru by 3 months!"

I have no idea what you mean by this?

I think you do loads. Far more than my partner

A few things could be going on, but it's hard to tell from your post. Your wife could be depressed and that could be causing her to view things very negatively. Or, it could be that she feels you view the baby as her job and that your role is to "help." It is very very hard to feel that this little being is your sole responsibility and the one other person in the world who should equally shoulder that responsibility is just "helping." Waking her up at the weekend is verboten She has almost sole responsibility for your DD during the week at least allow her to give that responsibility over to you for a few hours at the weekend! Feeling like you can never get away, that everyone is looking to you to say what should be done is just awful and crushing. When my DH looks after our DS he genuinely takes him from me and I don't have to worry. I can relax. Do that for your DW.

And with this last point I'm trying to be measured, but I'm finding it hard. What the actual fuck do you mean that you work hard and she doesn't??? Have you actually looked after a tiny baby for a whole day on your own having had five nights of broken sleep? Can you even imagine how difficult that can be? For that alone I would be angry with you, your attitude sucks.

communicate with her. tell her how you feel and tell her if she has a problem then she needs to be specific about it - you are not a mind reader. if you feel you're pulling your weight and she doesn't then discuss it! ask her what exactly she would like you to do more than you are doing at the moment.

there are several growth spurts and big developments for babies in their first year and 4months is a killer. as a bf mum who has gone through it 3 times it is a complete nightmare and nearly wrecked me and my relationship.

i think you're doing more than your fair share - she gets a lie in on the weekend mornings and you spent 5hrs with your baby while your wife slept in the evenings?!? (jealous) it sounds like everything to do with your baby is either you or your wife. when do you parent together, spend time together looking after your baby together?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1344743-to-go-back-to-work-early-to-get-DH-to-chip-in-more-in-caring-for-DD

I think she means it's not something you have all that much control over and someone who was doing absolutely nothing wrong could have the opposite situation with a baby who was not sleeping through at that age.
Basically meaning that you were lucky.

Rational lucky you! I had a baby who slept through at 8 weeks then one who didn't sleep through till 16 months! Both treated exactly the same.. Also ds2 wanted to be carried ALL THE TIME. Some babies are more difficult than others.

Acually re-reading your post I totally see her point. From her perspective You're both working, you waltz in, goo over daughter for a couple of hours hand daughter back to mum to do the "job" of putting to bed. Your post mentions nothing about running the house (presumably your wife does this)

Incidentally I'm uncomfortable with the fact that having heard from your DW that's she's unhappy and has had support from Mumsnet, that you've had to come on here to justify yourself and prove her wrong...

I agree Ninky sounds like the DH from that thread!

I think you sound lovely. Your wife seems to be expecting a lot from you, but she has just gone through the biggest life change ever, and you have to be able to forgive and forget anything she does for a while longer yet.

I think your wife sounds very stressed, but that the problem is probably more about how she is feeling about herself and her life than it is about anything you are or are not doing.

Maybe it's hard for her thinking about going back to work, four months really isn't a long time to adjust.

Am I the only one who feels it's quite passive aggressive to come on here and type all this out, stating it has to be accurate for when she sees it? You're obviously hoping she comes and sees your giant list of what you think you're doing right. Just talk to her, and yes, the one thing that I'm sure everyone agrees is to stop waking her up in the morning to ask silly things.

If she is the one who is thinking of all the things that need doing, then you aren't pulling your weight.
If you are asking her what you need to be doing next, I imagine she's bloody exhausted and fed up.
If you start taking more initiative, eg put some washing on without saying "Shall I put these things in the wash?" or similar, that will be pulling your weight properly. You might already put lots of washing on (running with the same example), but if you need her to direct you or need to get her approval for what you're doing, then that's no good. Her brain is full already and she needs you to take some of the load off.

Ignore if this isn't anything like your relationship. I'm totally projecting

Oh, I forgot to mention that, when we married, my DH and I agreed that, if he were to cook, I would wash up and if I were to cook, he would wash up and we would not criticise the way each of us cooked things. For instance, I always cooked cabbage until it was soft but he would cook it until it was - sort of -still crispish. The whole thing worked.

I'm not so sure about the lovely bit....

I couldn't tell you what sort of washing machine (we don't have a dryer) we have. But I bet dh could. I do most of the washing. Don't think that tells you anything.

I can however tell you that the fridge my dparents had when I was growing up was a Hoover. That puzzled me. It lasted 25 years, and the ice box door had to be held on with blue tack, if you opened the door too quickly then the band that held the milk in fell out, followed by the milk bottles, and the floor was beginning to fall out. They gave up on it when the door had to be held shut by leaning a chair against it. But it was well mourned as "still a good old fridge"!

OP, ask your dw what it is she wants you to do. Son't ask it in an accusatory or defensive way, but genuinely interested. She may just want you to something you haven't thought of which is actually quite simple. Dh used to wake me up to ask what dd1 (at less than 6 months and always wore a babygrow) should be wearing . Silly things like that can really get under your skin once it starts irritating. He was better when dd2 came along... he asked dd1 instead.

Dalrymps & KatAnd Kit

I know what you're saying, I really do. But I can't get over the fact that more and more new parents are making a helluva big song and dance about new babies. It seems to me that some of them expect it's going to be going without sleep for years, constant crying, croup, shitty nappies, trapped wind, terrible teething, terrible sleeping, terrible potty training.

And guess what? They get all of the above.