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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be more than irritated when people say 'I'm lucky enough not to have to work' or even worse, 'my wife is lucky enough not to have to work'

148 replies

Furminator · 17/11/2011 10:31

Someone at work said it to me this morning. I always feel like saying 'I am lucky enough to enjoy work and be good at it AND have a job - WHO'S LUCKY NOW' but I don't, obvs.

OP posts:
snetter · 17/11/2011 10:46

I have heard it all now. This is why we feel we have to justify ourselves for wanting to stay at home to be with our children.
I am lucky to be with my son at home, and when our next DC comes along. I actually enjoy it. And it can be very hard work, but it's my choice, and I love it.

Angry
ApplesinmyPocket · 17/11/2011 10:46

I think it's an attempt to say the right thing, really. 'We've got so much money I don't have to work!' doesn't come across too well, so a dash of 'luck' is thrown in to make it clear the speaker doesn't mean to be smug.

Though really, since people (as the OP has demonstrated in her 'more-than-irritated) are so touchy, it's probably best to say nothing at all. If people ASK me if I work, I say 'not at the moment' and leave it at that.

bemybebe · 17/11/2011 10:48

Maybe you will accept 'I'm lucky enough not to have to work FOR MONEY' without being irritated and "more"?

I am one of the 'lucky' ones. I was pulling 12 hr a day in a great job for 12 years, I enjoyed it but I kept doing it primarily because of the pay. I have not seen my dh and friends outside work and had very little time of my home. Now I have saved enough to stay at home to enjoy my family. What is not to be happy about?

Original poster
Furminator · 17/11/2011 10:48

Working and having children, especially as they get older, is much, much harder than staying at home with them all day, especially if you have no/adhoc childcare IME

OP posts:
AWimbaWay · 17/11/2011 10:48

Agree with Hectate, but also admit I'd love not to work ever again, and I don't mean love not to have to, just if I had the choice I wouldn't.

Bonsoir · 17/11/2011 10:49

"I'm lucky enough not to have to work" is a phrase that is used by some as a massive put down of others, and, when used like that, it is a horrible expression.

"I'm lucky enough not to have to work" can also just be a genuine sentiment of acknowledgement of good fortune and is perfectly reasonable.

In general, I think it is a phrase that needs to be used with some parsimony.

HauntedHengshanRoad · 17/11/2011 10:51

It's my nightmare not to work. If I couldn't, I would consider myself unlucky. I have a job I enjoy, but even if I didn't like it, I would rather do it than not, IYSWIM. Due to various aspects of my upbringing, being financially independent is the most important thing to me.

My cousin's wife hasn't worked since they graduated (she has a degree from a redbrick in a modern language that's the native tongue of where they now live) and probably never will. My cousin rakes it in, and they now have a baby. I'm sure people envy her, but I would rather clean bogs with my tongue than have her life.

LePruneDeMaTante · 17/11/2011 10:52

I met two women recently on a cupcake-bunting sort of course, who both said this. And they really did feel lucky, it seemed, and were perfectly ok with not working because it meant they could cupcake-bunt for all they were worth.
I wish I could have a bit of their grace about it!

bemybebe · 17/11/2011 10:52

Bonsoir as 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder', whether it is a 'horrible' or 'reasonable' expression is decided by the listener. It is their ishoo, not the person who says it.

notso · 17/11/2011 10:52

Don't understand your problem sorry.

snetter · 17/11/2011 10:53

But that is you.
My DC is tiny, and I may go back to work when he is older because I did enjoy my job, not because I have to.
I am thankful to be in this position, but please don't try and add to my need to justify.
Not really worth getting worked up about. Each to their own. And mumsnet would be a happier place if we just live and let live

Proudnscary · 17/11/2011 10:54

I totally agree OP!

It's assuming that all women would give up work 'if they could' (and more than a dollop of 'we're rich you know')!

I love my work and my career and have no desire to be SAHM.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 17/11/2011 10:55

Grin Pin.

Ha. I wish you would come and talk to my kids.

I was wrong 14 times before breakfast.

LadyHarrietDeSpook · 17/11/2011 11:03

I don't mind the 'I'm lucky enough not to have to work' comment as generally people seem to be trying to...indicate they're grateful to have time off with their kids etc...

What I can't bear is the mums who don't work who question why I 'work so much' (well, perhaps I need to pay my mortgage etc) and then bleat on about how 'they would just cut their cloth to their means' if their husband's salary didn't cover it all. Said by one woman after school drop off on her way to Selfridges for shopping and another with four children in private school and a great big 4x4. May they never be tested in this way, I say.

startail · 17/11/2011 11:06

Yes DH earns enough I don't have to work.
But "I'm not lucky enough" to have family for child care. That teamed with not having lots of qualifications, but no experience means I took the path of least resistance and became a long term SAHM.
Next year both DDs will be at secondary, I'll have no school run and would love to find a job.
I, suspect despite a postgraduate science degree, I'll be lucky to be allowed to stack shelves in Tescos.

Proudnscary · 17/11/2011 11:07

That is annoying LadyHarriet. But there are some of us - is this a taboo or something? - who work because we love our jobs (and yes I like the big pay cheque too), not because we have to. If said women said that to me I'd say 'I absolutely love my job and I chose to work full time.'

I take the dc to school, always make sure I'm home by 6pm and I go to all plays and assemblies - I purposely don't say 'I'm lucky enough to be home by..etc' because it's not luck, it's how my dh and I have sorted it.

BurntToffee · 17/11/2011 11:07

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Original poster
Furminator · 17/11/2011 11:09

I didn't tell you that the bloke who said it is generally a patronising nobber though did I? I should have, it might have justified it Grin Ok, I get it, I was being a bit Unreasonable and I promise I'll try and rein it in.

OP posts:
BurntToffee · 17/11/2011 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Furminator · 17/11/2011 11:12

God, knowing him I should think she is bloody desperate for a job, or on the gin all day.

OP posts:
MainlyMaynie · 17/11/2011 11:13

WTF, you assume all women want to work?? YABU to think everyone is you. Until I had DS, I enjoyed work, liked the challenge, my colleagues and the money. Since having DS I've realised I enjoy being with him more than work. I am very lucky indeed to be able to choose which I prefer. Having choices is always lucky.

Proudnscary · 17/11/2011 11:16

Who's assuming all women want to work? Confused
OP is saying the opposite that not all women would give work up if they could.

NinkyNonker · 17/11/2011 11:16

If he is a nobber then I think we can safely assume he meant it knobbishly! When it comes from a man I think it seems far more self congratulatory, in a kind of "see how well I provide for my little lady" type thing than if a woman says it. But then it depends on the woman!

I'm not working at the mo through choice, and I know one friend would desperately love to. Whend she comments about how much she wants to be in my shoes I either go on about how hard some days are (they're not especially but heaven forbid I say how nice it can be cause that may be smug) and acknowledging that I am lucky. And regardless of what others choose, I am lucky to have the choice.

If DH were to say that to his colleagues I'd be Hmm as it seems neandertal in some respects. He says he is lucky I'm at home, not the other way round!

Minefield!

bronze · 17/11/2011 11:16

So basically there are two lucky types - those who want to work in paid employment and can
and those that want to be sahp and can
the unlucky ones are the ones who want to work but cannot and those who want to sah but can't

calling someone lucky is a bit silly because it's not always clear which catergory they fall into

tilder · 17/11/2011 11:18

Eaxctly BurntToffee. Its a very sensitive subject and the comment can be taken to mean different things. I work part time from home and have had a sahm comment that I am lucky to have a job that enables me to do this. Not really, its been bloody hard work to make a job that has enabled me to do this and has involved sacrifices both on a career basis and for my family. Another sahm has commented that I am lucky to work as it gives me a break from my children (Confused).

Do I think a sahm is lucky to not have to work? Depends on whether they are happy with it or not I guess, some are and some aren't. Having the choise is the thing but I don't think being in a position to have that choice is always down to luck.