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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I know IABU but I'm jealous of my friend's 'perfect' life and don't want to be

231 replies

TougherThanTheRest · 17/11/2011 09:27

We've recently got to know another couple and really like spending time with them but their life appears so perfect that I'm starting to feel jealous and resentful.

He's funny, successful, a great Dad and a thoughtful husband. She's a great Mum, naturally good at things like cooking and entertaining, who manages to have a job she enjoys that also fits around their clever, attractive children. They're popular, well-travelled, live in a lovely house, drive nice cars and have several holidays a year plus weekends away and nice grown up nights out. And on top of all that they're really nice people. (That's a lot of 'nice' but it sums them up).

We on the other hand muddle along like most people, never quite on the breadline (which I am thankful for) but never very comfortable money-wise either. Neither of us hates our job but nor are we especially happy with them. We haven't got as many children as I'd have liked for lots of reasons which makes me sad. My DH is a fairly good Dad and husband but will never be a go-getter (although neither am I so not in a position to complain), mostly we get on well but there are times when I wonder how the hell I ended up with him.

I think generally what I feel is that nothing we have is quite good enough or what I would have hoped for - not just material things but life in general - especially when I compare us with our friends. I'm sure their life isn't as perfect as it appears but there's no area where I feel we can even begin to compete with them (I do know it's not actually a competition) and it's beginning to really get to me.

I know I probably sound like a shallow, ungrateful bitch but this is how I feel. I don't want to but I do. How do I get some perspective and stop feeling dissatisfied with my really not that bad life?

OP posts:
HarryHillatemygoldfish · 18/11/2011 09:27

Loving how the island was dropped into the convo Grin

Hardgoing · 18/11/2011 09:28

Come on guys, we are lucky that Xenia walks amongst us.. (!)

I think we all have a pang of jealousy when we see someone with something we want at that time, I felt a pang when I was single and my friends would meet really nice men, and I do now when I visit one of my friends who is very wealthy.

I do think it can be motivational though, to see what they have and think how you can get it or even if you actually want it, all of it. Sometimes people are envious of my work (even though I am not all that work-wise). But the same women are unlikely to want to cut corners in time spent with their children or travel away from home, and I don't have as much relaxed time with the children as I would like. But I've made choices I can live with. When you see your friends, try to work out what it is they have that you would like (apart from the whole package!) and how you might get a bit of that yourself.

Or realise it comes at a cost. I love visiting my friend who has an amazing house/cooks really great food, but I don't pretend to myself I would be prepared to put in the effort she does to achieve all that and work full-time, she never stops. Our house is therefore less amazing and I can live with that.

Chandon · 18/11/2011 09:28

prostitution GrinGrinGrin

nutter Grin

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 18/11/2011 09:29

Shouldn't that say floats amongst us? Grin

BoffinMum · 18/11/2011 09:35

I've been dropped by friends for reasons like this, all very odd. I've also been dropped for being fertile, for having a PhD, for having a bloke, and for being good at music.

It's bonkers.

If you discuss it with your friend, she would be amazed you thought like this and do her best to buoy you up. Nobody is perfect and she would probably be horrified to think that she came across in that way. You never know what is on the inside of a marriage and what is going on in other people's heads, or what their secret insecurities are.

You need to confess, I think, and move on.

shagmundfreud · 18/11/2011 09:45

One of the reasons I love living in a shit area and mixing with lots of people who are poorer and more socially disadvantaged than me, is it makes me feel so damn LUCKY.

We also 'muddle through' financially, our house is a shit-tip, one of our kids has adhd and asd, and another is impossibly rude and lazy.

However, I have friends with three children living in two bedroom flats, or houses which are damp, or rented accommodation which they can't really afford. I also friends who are out of work, in debt, and have poor relationships with their dp's, who've not had the privilege of a good education as DH and I have, or who have no close family.

Really - it's all comparative.

I have a few friends who have much nicer houses, more money etc, but luckily I genuinely love these people so can enjoy feeling happy for them while still counting my own blessings.

Xenia · 18/11/2011 09:52

Yse, I like that - my insider knowledge of moral absolutes. Perhaps I should be founding my own cult. I suspect there's quite a lot of money in it.

However my bottom line as I said is first ensure your internal happiness and your health. Just about everything else flows from that and those things are not entirely to chance. I don't drink, smoke, eat junk food and weigh a healthy weight. i get lots of sleep. I drink water. Anyone can do those things as they cost nothing. They tend to ensure health and mental well being too.

We can have that as one of the first rules of the cult.

Back on the topic women or a good few of them are masters of moaning. They take no action and they just want to go on and on about things but then they don't take the action to change those things. If you don't like something think about how you could change it. If you can't change it accept it.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." ?Reinhold Niebuhr

lemonmuffin · 18/11/2011 09:57

I love Xenia.

shagmundfreud · 18/11/2011 09:58

Well - if we're moved on to quotations

"Envy is a symptom of lack of appreciation of our own uniqueness and self worth. Each of us has something to give that no one else has.?

Smile
Hullygully · 18/11/2011 10:02

Fair words butter no parsnips

Hullygully · 18/11/2011 10:02

Ol Siddhartha had the right idea. Get rid of desire and you get rid of envy.

MarshaBrady · 18/11/2011 10:11

Just do the things you are good at, do them well and you will stop focussing on what others have and realise what you have.

Women do compare themselves to others far too much. And then try and find other's faults so they don't feel so bad.

Bonsoir · 18/11/2011 10:19

"Women do compare themselves to others far too much. And then try and find other's faults so they don't feel so bad."

Wise words, Marsha.

Also - work hard at identifying high-quality people to outsource those tasks you hate and/or aren't good at.

MarshaBrady · 18/11/2011 10:21

Ah Bonsoir nice to see you. How's Paris?

Bonsoir · 18/11/2011 10:23

Hi Marsha Smile. Paris is OK, a bit grey and November-y for my liking. I have an exciting day of window cleaners and a DIY-person coming to construct DD's flat-pack dolls' house.

Wink

How's London?

MarshaBrady · 18/11/2011 10:33

haha that is good out-sourcing.

London's pretty good. Am avoiding coats and trying to keep warm with cashmere Wink. Otherwise usual stuff, looking at new schools. Few Christmas parties etc.

MarshaBrady · 18/11/2011 10:34

ps your Paris fashion is missed (although I did see some on a feminist thread but thought it was the wrong place to start talking about shorts Grin)

Bonsoir · 18/11/2011 10:41

I have my red shorts on today Smile. They cheer me up on a grey day! I wish I had more choice of schools here in Paris! I love the bilingualism but don't think much of the general level - not that changing school makes any difference as they all have the same curriculum Sad

Xenia · 18/11/2011 10:52

Red shorts can be part of a perfect life. They are more than welcome on the thread.

The perfect life is found within your own head. Think today about how you can change your thoughts from negative to positive. Consider things like hormones, brain chemicals, seratonin, beta endorphins - those are the things which determine how you are and what you feel. It has very little to do with whether the neighbour is thinner than you are or has a bigger car.

Bonsoir · 18/11/2011 10:58

I don't think I want a perfect life (what's a perfect life?). I think I want an interesting life, which tends to imply taking quite a lot of risks (which also implies failing sometimes).

pickledsiblings · 18/11/2011 11:13

Is wearing the red shorts one of those risks bonsoir Grin? We need a photo so that we can vote whether or not we are jealous of your legs you [pass] or [fail].

Bonsoir · 18/11/2011 11:17

No, red shorts are one of the totally risk-free fun parts of life Wink. My thighs are standing up well to 45 years - probably because I spend most of my day on my feet running around Smile.

daveywarbeck · 18/11/2011 11:24

I can't decide whether I want to be Xenia or Bonsoir when I grow up.

SinicalSal · 18/11/2011 11:25

brain chemistry is a matter of luck though, isn't it?

has little to do with wealthy neighbours or counting ones blessings

ViviPru · 18/11/2011 11:30

daveywarbeck Fri 18-Nov-11 11:24:58
I can't decide whether I want to be Xenia or Bonsoir when I grow up

Quite. Either way, here's my first months' subs for the cult...