I know IABU but I'm jealous of my friend's 'perfect' life and don't want to be

[TougherThanTheRest]

We've recently got to know another couple and really like spending time with them but their life appears so perfect that I'm starting to feel jealous and resentful.

He's funny, successful, a great Dad and a thoughtful husband. She's a great Mum, naturally good at things like cooking and entertaining, who manages to have a job she enjoys that also fits around their clever, attractive children. They're popular, well-travelled, live in a lovely house, drive nice cars and have several holidays a year plus weekends away and nice grown up nights out. And on top of all that they're really nice people. (That's a lot of 'nice' but it sums them up).

We on the other hand muddle along like most people, never quite on the breadline (which I am thankful for) but never very comfortable money-wise either. Neither of us hates our job but nor are we especially happy with them. We haven't got as many children as I'd have liked for lots of reasons which makes me sad. My DH is a fairly good Dad and husband but will never be a go-getter (although neither am I so not in a position to complain), mostly we get on well but there are times when I wonder how the hell I ended up with him.

I think generally what I feel is that nothing we have is quite good enough or what I would have hoped for - not just material things but life in general - especially when I compare us with our friends. I'm sure their life isn't as perfect as it appears but there's no area where I feel we can even begin to compete with them (I do know it's not actually a competition) and it's beginning to really get to me.

I know I probably sound like a shallow, ungrateful bitch but this is how I feel. I don't want to but I do. How do I get some perspective and stop feeling dissatisfied with my really not that bad life?

SinicalSal Fri 18-Nov-11 11:25:24
brain chemistry is a matter of luck though, isn't it?

True, DP possibly wouldn't have chosen his ADHD brain if he were present when it was being handed out, and one might consider him somewhat unlucky to have had to live with it.

BUT he's chosen to medicate it and learn to harness its strengths while understanding its weaknesses and now its contributing toward creating what one could consider to be our enviable lifestyle.

I accept though that some people have conditions which are less manageable.

You can it what you will. If B and I are both happy then either of our lives would be a good one to have.

Brain chemistry is not entirely down to luck. A good % of mumsnetters will be on prozac for example and that will be making their brain chemistry what it ought to be (I am not suggesting everyone goes away and takes it of course - you take it if you have no choice and I never have).

Substances affect brain chemistry too as anyone tucking into chocolates, or downing the vodka with their morning coffee or lighting up the cigarette or even tkaing the caffeine will know. Look at how all those things are affecting brain chemistry. The spider web pictures omn various drugs are interesting www.trinity.edu/jdunn/spiderdrugs.htm

More importantly for my cult/advice is that if you eat three stable meals a day with protein, rough carb, veg etc you can stabilise your brain chemistry most studies show and avoid highs and lows. It's particularly important for diabetics. Exercise and fresh air (and sex) improve beta endorphins

So can I have an island and thighs that look good in shorts at 45?

you need to sell this to your acolytes, Xenia.

I also think that surprising small things make huge contributions to happiness. For example, our local church (itself not a thing of any beauty) has magnificent bells and bell ringers; and one of our neighbours in our apartment building is a gifted piano player. There is something very magical and mood-lifting to be on the sofa reading the papers, or in the kitchen cooking lunch, on a Sunday morning and to have the bells ringing in the distance or piano music wafting through the parquet floor (and sometimes both simultaneously). It makes the atmosphere pretty magical and perfect, but no-one created that atmosphere on purpose.

lol at "The things most of us should be glad for is (a) health and (b) the people we love and (c) being happy (if we are). Those are the three things I am grateful for. I could easily live without the career success, looks, big house, my own island and all the other stuff. The fundamentals are those first things."

that is THE most vain post i have seen on here in YEARS!!

omg

i thought vainity was a moral wrong too.

I am saying nothing in case I get deleted again.

Actually I will say something.

Torygraph.

I could live without my supermodel looks, my wonderfully pneumatic breasts, my stellar IQ, my sports car and my shiny executive home as long as I have lerve.

It's about priorities, innit.

I thought pneumatic breasts were standard issue?

It makes the atmosphere pretty magical and perfect, but no-one created that atmosphere on purpose.

No Bonsoir, they didn't, but I doubt the same happy convergence of people going about their business occurs in a council block in Haringay.

Going to echo what the others are saying here.
I had a friend whose life I envied, big country house, SAHM, lovely husband who made an excellent wage. She had a huge engagement ring and a ride on lawnmower, chickens and two lovely boys.
Turns out he had a thing for webcams and women in the far east. She has kicked him out.

Try and make your life better and forget how perfect other people's are.

I have not read of the thread, but wanted to add I have friends like this. My mum always says that you never know what's round the corner. She had a school friend who said she would marry a doctor and have 2children, boy and call called Susan and tim etc etc. It all happened and for years she did lead a perfect life.

Sadly in her 50's she was widdowed, her daughter got breast cancer and her son is a drug addict. The perfect life has sort of crumbled away. Not that you would ever wish this on people but you just never know.

I don't think I'm vain and I said that other stuff in my life didn't matter and it doesn't. Also not everyone will have the same enjoyment of the French piano player and bell ringers. Some have almost shot off the heads of teh local bell ringers and thumped the piano player so hated do they find the sounds. Indeed one reason we're happier in the UK than France is we tend to live in houses away from others so we don't hear noise through walls. It's a different culture.

My point was you don't need Bon's red shorts, thighs or church bells to achieve happiness. You can get it walking to your local park. It's not something you do buy. I'm allowed to say that even though I do have a nicer life than some people.

I also think if you do things for others you can be happier too. All studies of the retired find that. Volunteer. Help the homeless. Wash the feet of the poor etc and that tends to cheer people up too. You don't need to be Christian or Muslim to have a moral code that involves helping others and if it also tends to make other people happy so much the better.

[We could have cult trips to the island with tents. I could guarantee weight loss too by ensuring there was hardly any food and they couldn't escape me either. They would need to covenant 10% of their income to be like many including fundamentalist Christianity's tithe - nice little earner. Not sure I can guarantee them eternal life however. I will have to work on that one]

if you are so happy, Xenia, why are you spending so much time on a website seemingly seeking exogenous recognition for you perfect life?

'of your' sorry!

Ayn Rand Hully. chortle

Xenia is probably right about the not smoking/drinking/caffiene/ three meals etc.

I do love that feeling of the vodka hitting my empty stomach as I spark up the first fag though. It would be hard to give that up in the name of material success.

I'm sitting here working and I like the work and I like posting. I have never said I had a perfect life. I just said I was happy. I'm very lucky that is so. One reason I think I'm happier than some is I don't need others to agree that nor their approval nor do I feel a need to be like others. May be that contentment in one's own self is all that is needed.

I've read all of your posts and though I know lots of people that have lovely houses/perfect figures/adoring husbands I wouldn't want to swap places with any of them.

Apart from Miranda Kerr. Just for 24 hours (not that I know her!)

I'm just taken aback by the assumption that we should all be glad for health, the people we love and being happy. We should of course but not everyone has good health.

I used to attend occasional presentations by motivational speakers who were full of how if you just visualise what you want you will find a way to work towards it and achieve it. They did it so I could too.

Trouble was I could never work out how visualising my DH restored to health and freed from the constraints of an incurable chronic condition was supposed to work. If I could work twice as many hours in the day to cure him I would. I'd do anything - but there is nothing to be done.

Despite that people still envy us. We love each other, we have great DC, we live within our means and we laugh a lot.

I believe good health can make a major difference to happiness. If you are in pain it's quite hard to feel happy whatever your income level. I think I could be happy without legs for example, but it would be pain and suffering which would make it harder.

I don't think it was an assumption I made that everyone has good health, people to love and is happy. I said if you have those 3 things (and it is quite rare to have all three and I do and I'm terribly lucky subject to my points about to an extent you can improve the chances of having those) you may be content compared with people without them. I did not say everyone has good health and indeed any of us could fall sick tomorrow. Obviously some of us try to eat well, exercise etc to reduce those risks.

I think you must include 'good mental health' in there with 'good health'. it is patronising and simplistic to assert that a healthy lifestyle is the solution for all those suffering from mental health issues that interfere with their general happiness and functioning. It is also simplistic to think that if that is not enough, then medication will be the cure. Medication, for many people, means swapping one unpleasant mental state for another - but one that is more compatible with daily functioning and social norms.

field trip to the island? I am in.

"obviously some of us try to eat well, exercise etc to reduce those risks "
And some of us are just dealt different cards to others.

My DH has always eaten well, exercised etc. So has my lovely friend with terminal cancer. Shit happens and you don't help the people going through it by smug implications that of course if they only did as you did all would be well.

You may not mean to make that impression Xenia but that's how it comes across and I've seen enough of your posts to think that you're intelligent enough to realise exactly what you're doing.

Don't know why I'm bothering engaging actually but simplistic, patronising attitudes towards health drive me mad.