to not want strange men in the ante natal ward

[moogster1a]

Lots of discussion today about allowing men to stay overnight in the ward after you've had a baby.
This would be lovely if you were in a private room, but I wouldn't want to have men sleeping overnight in a shared ward.
i have fond memories of shuffling to the loo in the night looking like someone had slaughtered a pig in my pyjamas and literally leaving a bit of a trail ( no one tells you just how much blood is involved!). i would feel very uncomfortable doing this in front of a stranger's husband.

scarlett I have never been able to find a dark silent room in a hospital, unless it was a private one - wards are the noisest place on earth - if you add more people than actually need to be there it sounds like a recipe for disaster.

The more I think about this the more I think it's not so new families can bond at all, it's so they can help with the caring as NHS resources are so over stretched.

msscarlett when I had DD I was awake solid for the for the first 5 days of my stay. Do you really think being awake 24/7 for the next 4 nights would have been helpful to my recovery of my sanity. There is enough sleep deprivation with child birth and having a new baby without adding to. The feeling of being desperate to sleep but being to scared to is not nice and not god for anyone's mental health. I experienced this after an overnight stay in an adult ward at 16 with a violent patient in one of the other beds.

hmmm yeah not sure about the guys staying the whole time but think they should be able to stay the first night at least. especially if you have the baby at night.

The poor dads probably won't get any sleep either, trying to kip in a chair with probably 11 other adults and 6 babies nearby, and not being able to go home to a comfortable bed and a decent sleep because you will be accused of being a bad husband and neglectful father who will never 'bond' with his child.

AnyFucker - yes it was horrible. We had to say for two nights and I hated every second.

Thinking about it now, if there was a time I would have wanted DH overnight it was in the days before our daughter was born, when we knew that if she was born she would die.

I was laid in bed in a private room, not allowed to get out of bed or even sit up, terrified that we were going to lose her and those nights were very long and scary. I had more than a few tears while I laid there in the dark making bargains with the universe to save her life.

At times I'd have chosen to have him with me then above any night in the ward with our healthy DS to take care of.

But even then, I don't think it would have been appropriate for him to stay from a wider point of view. I could have been there for weeks rather than days, nobody knew how things might turn out and at the beginning there was hope we could get her well past 24 weeks. A hospital couldn't support a partner camping out on the ward for an indefinite amount of time.

It was horrible on that ward with DS, and I couldn't wait to get home. But that was the most important thing for us. Yes it would have been nice to spend DS's first night as a family but it was far more important to us to know we would be leaving the hospital together as a family for the first time and not leaving without our baby again.

If you have the baby in the middle of the night, and he has been allowed to stay with you in delivery while you recover for a couple of hours as people on here say is the case, then surely he is better off going and sleeping in a bed and letting you get some sleep too?
I wouldn't want to see men chucked straight out when their child has just been born, but seriously, what use are they if they are on a chair, unable to sleep, sitting in the dark, making a noise etc?
People are making it sound like the men are being chucked out five minutes after delivery. If they are allowed to stay for 3 hours or more after the birth then surely a good sleep is best for everyone?

"If my only concern is "can that guy see my breasts" I would be more than happy."

haha

My concern was is this aggressive teenager who said he is going to kick my head in if I don't shut the fuck up really going to do it and should I give him a preemptive beating between contractions.

temp I always feel very unsafe and vulnerable in hospitals, and I have no history of abuse/rape. I always feel any old Tom, Dick or Harry ( or Jill, Jane or Jo) could walk in off the streets onto the wards.

I also think its a bad idea to allow men to stay overnight for all the reasons already mentioned.

I had ds when I was a very niave 19 year old and the birth was horrendous, he was premature and the hospital made many many mistakes during the delivery, I was a nervous wreck and on my own. One thing that I'll never forget is that I had a retained placenta and the doctor asked me if was happy for students to "have a go" I explicitly said no but was ignored and in came half a dozen male students and each had a poke around inside me, I had no feeling in my legs and was way to drugged to argue so I just closed my eyes and cried, I have never felt so scared and humiliated in my life. Ds and I had to stay in for a week (he had to put weight on and suprisingly I had an infection) and thank God I had a private room. I didn't ask for it but I was very very grateful for it. The midwives that dealt with me were uncaring and some were actually pretty cruel/mean, I would have been an emotional mess if I were on a ward with just other women and if partners were able to stay I would have been very scared, looking back I really wish I'd spoken up about my treatment but I was so niave. It would never have occured to me to even ask to have someone with me.

I had dd at 25yrs old it was totally different despite the hospital being overstreched. Midwives were lovely. I was taken in the day before I gave birth due to bleeding and had to stay overnight, I wanted to be out of there asap after delivery and chose to be discharged on the same day but still had to spend several hours on the ward. I was taken to the ward just as visiting time started and everyone had a good look and most probably my dp had looked at the other patients/visitors. Its unavoidable in such a small room cramped with so many people, even if its not sinister gawping it still feels really uncomfortable. Other than some visitors using the patient toilets things were ok, but I think if the fellas were there overnight it would be totally different.

I really cant see it working and don't see why the NHS should pull out money in order to accomodate non-patients. Sorry for the long post also.

I feel unsafe in hospitals due to lack of care. I have spent a few nights in a single sex ward, where men were allowed overnight. The only thing that made me feel unsafe was the abysmal care. This is where DPs come in.

If I am well enough to get up and walk around and actually sleep, I am well enough to video the baby and keep my DH uptodate over the phone. If I am not well enough to move, I cannot trust the staff to look after the baby. This is where the DPs come in.

I would like someone to address these issues on this thread, in addition to the repeated "they will see my breasts" "i want to sleep" "they will rape me". I don't have comforting experiences of NHS care, and my pregnancy has been painful. I am scared of complications, and having to stay in a ward. I am scared of not being able to move and thus care for my baby.

Yes Pekka - your one night of your DH being there is jsut one night to you, but to people in the ward who have been there weeks, it is weeks of no sleep when they are usually there to make sure they are resting.

I think the whole point is that DP's shouldn't be picking up the slack in place of professional care. I have also had horrendous stays in hospital, three times in three different hospitals and one was so bad I formally complained along with everyone else on the ward. I have yet to experience the wonderful NHS that people talk about unfortunately.

I can think of 2 friend's dh's that I don't want to be around normally let alone when I have just had a baby and am in pain and a puddle of my normal self.

YABU.

I don't want strange women in the ante natal ward but life's not perfect and we all have to share resources. And fathers NEED access to their newborn babies.

pekka the staff should care/help care for the baby if the mother is unable to. What if you had no partner, who would have cared for the baby then?
It simply is unacceptable for this not to happen. When you are in hospital on a postnatal ward both the mother and the baby are under the care of that hospital.

Lemondifficult they don't need overnight access on a postnatal ward that is being shared by other people.

Bruffin - it is one night too many if you cannot move and take care of your baby.

Valium - thank you. I do agree that I am relying on DPs to pick up the slack. The NHS doesn't have enough staff to cater to needs of everyone, I just don't want my baby to go through what I went through. At the moment I really don't know what other solutions there are? I cannot afford private, NHS cannot afford more staff.

Er, Lemon ."I don't want strange women in the ante natal ward" what do you mean?

And it's postnatal not antenatal ward - have you actually been a patient on a postnatal ward out of interest?

and fathers CAN and DO have access to their newborn babies, just not 24/7 on a postnatal ward.

Other than that, read the rest of the thread (all 1000000 pages)!

Other than that, stop stirring.

lemon would you be quite happy to use mixed changing rooms at the pool? In shops? Toilets?

But nobody is stopping them having access to their newborn babies. They are not kicked out of the hospital straight after the birth and they can visit during visiting times.
Everybody does have to share resources but those resources are there for patients. A Father is not a patient.

We have mixed loos at my work and I don't mind mixed changing rooms. Plus on holiday everyone sees your breasts

But on holiday is very different to just having given birth I imagine. I am sure you feel a lot more vulnerable and want you privacy - especially given the physical stuff going on.

No. Just No.

In my case he would have turned up drunk and agressive at 2am and got violent with anyone who so much as looked at him. Or he may have been in a good mood and just thrown furniture around, smashed up equipment and then picked up the baby and tried to leave with her.

You must go on a different kind of holiday than I do catgirl. :)

I really hated it with my last baby. A really controlling d*ckhead stayed all the time opposite and just kept shushing the baby through the night, even though I could tell baby was hungry, and telling the mother what to do. She was clearly embarassed, quietly imploring "but she's only a baby - she's only crying because she needs something"... He was the worst but most of the other dads were still annoying, acting like experts and undermining the mothers' first shakey steps into motherhood. I think new mums should be allowed a bit of space.