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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not want strange men in the ante natal ward

999 replies

moogster1a · 15/11/2011 12:39

Lots of discussion today about allowing men to stay overnight in the ward after you've had a baby.
This would be lovely if you were in a private room, but I wouldn't want to have men sleeping overnight in a shared ward.
i have fond memories of shuffling to the loo in the night looking like someone had slaughtered a pig in my pyjamas and literally leaving a bit of a trail ( no one tells you just how much blood is involved!). i would feel very uncomfortable doing this in front of a stranger's husband.

OP posts:
RealLifeIsForWimps · 15/11/2011 23:18

Great thread. Yes, this idea is the worst idea of the current government

Thinking: I know, if we get fathers to sleep overnight, they can do the to'ing and fro'ing and we can have fewer nurses/midwives on. In their heads, they are thinking of lovely, kind, engaged fathers gazing lovingly at their newborns as they readjust the breastfeeding cushion and run off to Waitrose to buy their wife a quinoa salad and a fresh smoothie.

Reality: Complete security/overcrowding and loss of dignity nightmare with a good smattering the fathers alluded to in this thread and non-stop bickering.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2011 23:20

yep, fuzzy, and often the trail of blood behind you because your nether regions are so stretched and numb, you don't even realise what is happening

post natal wards are for post natal women

they are not spaces for mixed cohabiting with people you are not in an intimate relationship with

AnyFucker · 15/11/2011 23:21

boo Smile

Tonksforthememories · 15/11/2011 23:34

Exactly AF

WilsonFrickett · 15/11/2011 23:34

I posted earlier about the lack of space and privacy on the ward I was on. Having been thinking about this all night (and not in a good way I have to say) - one of the main reasons I only have one DC is I had a protracted and frankly terrifying labour which ended in a CS. I then spent 3 nights in hospital, unsuccessfully trying to bf. My temp was up, I had a hideous all over body rash, it was about 100 degrees in there. They couldn't get a decent vein to get IV antibiotics into me do I spent hours on a drip. It was the single most traumatic time of my life and if the windows had opened fully I would have jumped out. No doubt about it.

What would really have helped would have been another 3 people in the room 24/7. Not.

hester · 15/11/2011 23:37

God, I don't even want the Waitrose dads next to me in the postnatal ward at midnight! Because people are EXCITED when they've just had a baby; they will TALK; and I just don't want to hear, "Are you sure he looks more like a Seth than a Noah?/ what the hell did the NCT woman say to do now?/ I can't believe you forgot to pack my maternity pads!/ Have you rung Aunty Maeve yet?"

No no no no no. Hell is other people, and especially post-partum.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2011 23:37

WF, I am sorry you had such a hideous experience

Imagine 3 strange men in there with you too ?

Doesn't bear thinking about...

thelatestthing · 15/11/2011 23:38

When I was in labour (yes, actually in labour) I couldn't be moved to a labour room because a) they were all busy and b) there wasn't any staff to take me so I laboured in a ward with 3 women and their delightful partners (no babies, women were being induced). Visiting was until 8pm but as there was no staff the men just didn't leave. Non of the 6 people shut up FOR A SECOND. 2 of the 3 men were really aggressive, telling me to shut the fuck up during my contractions as 'people are trying to sleep' and 'my gf is having a baby tomorrow ffs' etc.

Strange women will try and sleep. Strange couples with chat into the night. The biggest problem is my baby's dad is lovely and will be supportive and helpful and keep me company, the other babies dads are shits.

WilsonFrickett · 15/11/2011 23:42

Thanks AF, it has taken a long time to get over it and I think I'll hide thread now as I'm starting to feel a bit panicky - so just add 'and Wllson agrees with me' to the rest of your responses, would you? Smile

AnyFucker · 15/11/2011 23:45

consider it done Smile

take care x

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 23:55

That's the other thing about mixed antenatal/postnatal wards, and they are mixed in most hospitals.

Women will generally go into labour at night. As well as going into labour when they feel safe and relaxed.

They will have to stay on the ward until 4th dilated as a labour ward won't take them until then. Wards at night are often full of women in early labour pacing the corridors. They don't want random blokes there for that.

Where possible we will find them a single room so their bloke can come and be with them at this stage. Not always possible but we try. But if we can't get them in a single room it's not fair on them to have to go through that in front of strange blokes. Plus if we introduce men on the ward the need for a single room would be diminished as shed have her partner with her.

And the limited single rooms would all be full of women Who'd complained about men staying so she wouldn't get one.

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 23:55

Oh and Wilson agrees with me.

NonnoMum · 15/11/2011 23:59

Right - I think I have the answer...

Rather then letting the perhaps aggressive or maybe just clueless or a little bit TOO helpful Dads on the wards, they should let the grandmas.

Then, someone would be able to mind the baby whilst you go for a wee/nip out for spare maternity pads/not let anyone who has been smoking anywhere near their new grandchild and the NHS could save money and the new mums would be looked after...

Xmasbaby11 · 15/11/2011 23:59

YANBU

I wouldn't fancy that. Nothing wrong with visiting hours.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 16/11/2011 00:10

NonnoMum, imagine the fights over whether "granny" was the new mother's own mother, or her MIL! Shock Grin

NonnoMum · 16/11/2011 00:12

Oh - would be the mother's mother. The MiL won't be able to see the baby for about a year.

'Twud make for a few more threads on MN. Smile

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 16/11/2011 00:21

As a mother of sons (and an exMIL and granny) I'd be starting those threads! Angry

Grin
NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 16/11/2011 00:36

I wouldn't have wanted other people's partners on the wards all night either.

I had a very complicated pregnancy, long labour and difficult birth with DS. I had been pregnant three times in quick succession, had a stillborn boy and a premature girl who died before having a healthy DS.

All my pregnancies have been complicated, distressing and frightening and have required many, many scans, interventions, operations, cervical stitches, examinations, injections, tests, samples of everything to be taken and tested. You name it, I think someone somewhere did it to me while I was pregnant at one point or another.

I felt like public property and would go into my appointments dreading the moment when someone ushered in some students or asked for a second opinion and uttered the words "...and bring the anglepoise" as they were doing it. I felt like every man and his dog had seen me naked or half naked, or ill and weeping and vulnerable and bleeding.

So by the time DS was born the last thing I needed was for various strangers to be there to witness the after effects of his birth. I didn't even want DH to see me and I felt like I had been violently assaulted rather than given birth to a baby.

I was put on a shared ward with three other women in similar states to me, long, long labour, forceps and episiotomy leaving me unable to walk properly for days and bleeding heavily for six weeks.

I didn't want those women to see me and they were in the same state. Let alone their partners or visitors being there all day and night as well. Visiting hours were already 8am-8pm and there was no toilet in our room, so each time I left it, which was often because I needed to change my hideous paper pants and giant maternity towel every single hour, I ran the risk of meeting people from other rooms too.

My bed was in the corner by the sink, so the other women and their visitors were pushing past my bed all the time to get water to drink or for flowers or to rinse cups or make juice or get washed and brush teeth. The other women kept their curtains closed most of the time, so random people would just appear at my bedside through the curtains and surprise me, either trying to find the sink or looking for the person they wanted to visit. Even at night the nurses were always needing to get past the bed to get to the supply cupboard so I had no privacy even with my curtains closed.

One woman's husband threatened a doctor who accidentally knocked over her juice jug through the closed curtain as he spoke to another patient. I was trying to breastfeed DS, was alone at the time and terrified that he would attack the doctor and come crashing through the curtain and onto us. I couldn't move quickly enough to get away and would have had to climb over the bed to get away without passing him. I was scared.

It took me weeks to get enough confidence back to even get changed in the same room as DH, I felt totally battered and violated and I needed privacy more than anything else, even at home.

So dealing with all of that, in a room full of strangers, was hard. Even at night, when it was just the four of us and four babies and a few random nurses wandering in and out at least once an hour through the entire night to poke or prod at someone and deliver a bottle or a spare nappy or a clean blanket or something to someone for their baby. Four more people there through the night, male or female, even if one of them was my DH, would have been four too many for me.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2011 00:39

Eyes that sounds like seven shades of hell and I am not surprised that your privacy was of paramount importance, even life and death, to you, at that time x

AnyFucker · 16/11/2011 00:43

I fully expect a few lurkers will have "jumped the fence" after the last few posts, esp WF and eyes

a man's right to coo at his baby in the small hours does not supercede a woman's right to privacy after experiences like this

anybody with an ounce of empathy would see that he can quite easily wait a few more hours to spend a full 24 hours a day with his precious little bundle, in the interests of respecting other women on the ward surely ??

Inertia · 16/11/2011 00:44

Going back upthread somewhat, but this argument about it being barbaric to break up the new little family so fathers should be allowed to stay- what happens when the mother has just given birth to the second or subsequent baby? Do all the other children get to stay too, in order not to break up the family?

What happens if baby's father is not on the scene- who gets to stay with the mother then, if everyone else has a man in tow? New partner/ friend/ bloke from the pub?

The solution is simple, as Davey (I think?) posted upthread. Some women need extra assistance on post-natal wards, either with their own care or to care for their baby. Surely to God the answer is to ensure that that care is provided by trained, qualified professionals ? Of course this won't happen- it costs money to pay for sufficient midwives to meet everyone's needs.

Of course, it's in CallMeDave's best interests to make NHS hospitals as unpleasant as possible, in order to encourage more people into the private hospitals that his backers are so keen to expand. There have been an awful lot of 'go private if you don't like it' comments- is that really how we want the NHS to be? Vulnerable new mothers and babies bullied into going private in order to remain safe in their sleep in a hospital?

iscream · 16/11/2011 05:56

I have only read a couple of replies, and am not up on UK hospitals, but YANBU. If you would like to have someone stay with you here, you need to have a private room. If it is that important to you, you scrape up the money. I think it is crazy myself, why can't someone survive a few nights on their own in a hospital? As I said, I am not familiar with the UK's hospitals, but they can't be so bad that you don't receive the care you are there to receive?
Oh and if anyone has mentioned anything about bonding, Lot's of people did not have their babies in their rooms 30 years ago, and have bonded just fine with their parents and even been flown to other areas to bond with non birth parents. People get carried away with bonding and being together every minute when the baby is first born.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 16/11/2011 06:51

Gosh this thread is very moving and bringing back some unpleasant memories for me.
I only had one hospital birth, my others were all at home for good reasons, most of them highlighted here.

ToothbrushThief · 16/11/2011 07:20

Ditto Harry. If the govt wish to reduce the birth rate this 'policy' might just do it!

The stereotyped doting husband is a rarity. I wonder how he'd feel if he had to go home to other DC and leave his DW with the unpleasant blokes that the rest of us have experienced?

It's really different thinking about 'would I like to be with the parent of my child?' to 'would I like (my wife) to be surrounded by random blokes in a pub whilst (she was) dressed in a hospital gown, bleeding and trying to breastfeed a newborn?' because for some... that is exactly the experience they would have!

bruffin · 16/11/2011 07:41

Not sure why everyone keeps going on about Postnatal Wards. When I was in QEII the prenatal and postnatal wards were mixed.
As i said up the thread I was in there for nearly 2 months. At what point would men be able to stay overnight. I have seen women argue (not on this thread) that if they are taken in early they would be scared without their DH and need him there all the time!
What would happen in my situation would DH get to stay with me everynight, just in case an emergency happened?

People get carried away with bonding and being together every minute when the baby is first born.

That is so true, I despair everytime I see a thread where visitors, even GPs are banned for the first week/2weeks because of "bonding"