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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not want strange men in the ante natal ward

999 replies

moogster1a · 15/11/2011 12:39

Lots of discussion today about allowing men to stay overnight in the ward after you've had a baby.
This would be lovely if you were in a private room, but I wouldn't want to have men sleeping overnight in a shared ward.
i have fond memories of shuffling to the loo in the night looking like someone had slaughtered a pig in my pyjamas and literally leaving a bit of a trail ( no one tells you just how much blood is involved!). i would feel very uncomfortable doing this in front of a stranger's husband.

OP posts:
HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 22:39

Another thought, post natal wards are often quite small and stuffy and I imagine lots of the men would be popping out for a fag and then coming back in stinking [vomit].
It's bad enough when the new mothers do this.

PootlePosyPumpkin · 15/11/2011 22:42

But getting back to the point of the thread Smile.

When I was in hospital waiting to be induced with DD there was just me & one Polish lady in a 6 bed ante-natal room overnight. The Polish lady was in early labour & very distressed when told that her DH had to go home as she was in pain & spoke no English (her DH had been translating up to that point). The midwife in charge told them that he could not stay as it would not be fair to "the other lady" i.e. me. I said that I didn't mind because, at that time, I felt like she really needed him there & she would probably have gone down to delivery during the night anyway. The midwife then pulled my curtains round & said quietly that she couldn't allow men to stay on the ward overnight because they had no security. I can only summise from this that they have had problems in the past. The midwives have enough to do without worrying about security haven't they?

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 22:43

Where I had DD1 and DS, the maternity unit was on the first floor. Plenty of mums would go out for fags and leave the baby completely unattended.

catgirl1976 · 15/11/2011 22:43

7 hours Shock DH and I have a lovely sex life and I like sex very much but is that even SAFE? Are you not - well, bleeding and sore and generally icky.

And knackered? Are you not knackered? You've just had a baby??
And distracted - by the fact you've just had a baby?

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 22:45

Can't you die of air emboluisms or something from a post natal shag?

PootlePosyPumpkin · 15/11/2011 22:46

One would think so Catgirl. One would think so Confused.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2011 22:46

catgirl for some men (and women) a man's right to have sex (or right for anything as evidenced by this thread) trumps everything

seriously

AnyFucker · 15/11/2011 22:48

there are very good medical reasons for waiting to have sex for the good ole fashioned 6 weeks post partum, let's just put it that way

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 22:49

Never a truer word, anyfucker.

Some women will always put men first even if it distresses, disturbs and damages other women.

hester · 15/11/2011 22:52

Ideal world: individual postnatal rooms, double bed for both parents, supportive midwives helping the new family to form and bond. I'm sure we all agree on that.

Reality: in the last hospital I worked in, the only depts that employed 24-hour security guards were A&E and Maternity. A&E no surprise to me, Maternity was - until I spent time working in there and saw what it was like. Constant constant aggro, particularly focused around visiting policies. Cultural norm for the predominant local community is for lots of visitors, staying all hours, making a bit of a party of it. I make no judgement on that, but it doesn't fit with current NHS practice, resources, architecture. The midwives were constantly having to argue, "No, 8 visitors is too much, no it's not ok for 5 children to be playing football on the ward, I don't care if your cousins have just arrived on the coach from Birmingham, it's 11pm and they can't come in". And then it would all kick off. Oh, and sexual activity on the ward wasn't anywhere near as infrequent as you would think (and hope).

I'm also thinking of time I spent on a gynae ward, next to a frightened young East European girl who was almost constantly flanked by two guys in leather jackets who were always on their mobiles or talking to her in a dismissive or threatening way. When visiting hours were over she would just weep silently into her pillow. Another woman on the ward, who spoke her language, tried to get her to open up but all she would say is that she couldn't talk about it. It was devastating to witness, but also pretty bad to lie there feeling ill and somewhat under threat. Have those two thugs hanging around all night? Awful awful awful.

Of course childbirth is different from being ill, and it is rather bizarre that we separate women from their partners and loved ones just at the point when they really want them. But I don't see any alternative within our current NHS, and within the hospital wards that we have. I also think that this thread is one long cry of despair about the desperate state of postnatal care - it's fecking shit, and that's why we're having this conversation at all. Of course, it's possible that trying to prop it up by allowing partners in 24/7 will ultimately make matters worse - it will become the expectation that personal care is provided by family, and women who lack that will be worse off than ever.

catgirl1976 · 15/11/2011 22:53

Am just shocked at some of the stuff on here......you've just had a baby.........surely its the last thing on your mind.

But obviously not for some people :(

wow.. :(

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 22:54

Missscarlett, women are on labour ward for an at least three hours after giving birth, usually longer. Partners can stay all that time no matter what time of night.

As for police on the postnatal ward, I've only known a few times when we've had to call them. Most of the time we deal with stuff ourselves. I guess it comes down to the fact we have a lot of young people on the wards and partners rathervthan the aged population of most other wards. On the general ward I was on the other week one of the inmates (male) was drug dealing. He was well enough to leave the ward for fags but was meeting people to sell while outside. The men were in separate bays from the women and luckily there was the nurses station in the middle. Otherwise I would have felt uncomfortable. Oddly enough that is classed as single sex accommodation.

Actually the drug dealer seemed lovely and insisted on helping me to bed one night. But the bay I was in was between the door and the other bays. Round the corner and out of sight from the nurses station as well. I was alone in that bay one night and it wasn't the best. All the blokes going for fags would look in as they passed and one middle aged bloke in particular would pause and sort of leer at me. Really didn't like it.

I'd be very uncomfortable being in a situation where I'd maybe just had a section, etc and there were men in the ward.

It may seem over the top hysterical to some of you but things do happen. There have been cases where male patients have assaulted female ones. We sometimes get visitors during the day who are known sex offenders. We know which ones they are and can keep a very close eye on them
. Could we do this if they're staying the night, no? We wouldn't be allowed to not let them stay if other men were staying. They've already done their sentence so it would be against their human rights if we discriminated against them and punished them further.

catgirl1976 · 15/11/2011 22:56

Really good post hester - agree with everything you said (although have no experience myself of the NHS in the way you do)

Am going to bed tonight very sad for your Eastern European girl and sex after seven hours woman.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 22:56

It is odd, isn't it when you dissect it all.

In hospital is possibly the only time when you are thrown together, all of humanity, rich and poor alike , for any length of time. Cultures clash, expectations clash, manners, standards.

To then expect that clash to sleep in the same room all night every night is atrocious.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2011 22:57

catgirl good luck with your baby x

catgirl1976 · 15/11/2011 22:57

Thank you AF :)

I am very excited!

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 23:01

Oh and I got abuse off a fellow patient last week. Visiting times come which I hated but accepted. I was in a drug induced stupor and at this point was getting up to go to the loo. At one point I needed the loo so had to get out of bed with my gown up past my waist, fully aware the bloke visit g opposite was getting an eyeful of everything from boob level down but to be honest I didn't really give a shit by then.

Anyway the abuse, I pulled my curtains round my bed one visiting time when three kids came to visit their mum and ran riot round the bay. Really badly behaved. They'd gone the mother and the old bat in the bed next to her were really horrid about and towards me saying I'd been rude towards them. I ignored them rather than telling them to fuck off.

But I can see how when people are poorly, tired, in enclosed spaces arguments can flare up easily.

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 23:03

Cat girl, no it's not safe.

I read an article though about how it's quite common that blokes want to due to some biological urge about marking their territory. Quite usual in the animal kingdom I believe. Most men would have enough respect for their partners to not pressure them into it. Sadly not all.

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 23:05

Though I suppose in fairness some women may also have an urge......all that oxytocin etc.......maybe not.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2011 23:06

a lovely time, catgirl, savour every minute of it Smile

AnyFucker · 15/11/2011 23:08

I believe not VLB

catgirl1976 · 15/11/2011 23:08

I can't imagine having such an urge (although I will let you know if I do)

If I tried to proposition DH 7 hours after giving birth I think he would assume the drugs still had a hold and try to get me to lie die in a cool dark room............

catgirl1976 · 15/11/2011 23:13

down not die......too tired i think!

fuzzypicklehead · 15/11/2011 23:15

OMG, op you have just brought back to my mind that hideous first walk to the toilet the morning after both my girls were born. That first step or two, followed by (feels like) your entire uterus plopping out with a squelch, followed by an awkward bow-legged rapid shuffle to the ladies. And not only did I have to experience that, but as the sun came up I got to watch each of the other ladies on my ward do the same, and exchange rueful glances along the way. I'm pretty glad there were no men around to witness that.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 23:16

i have to confess to feeling an urge on the second night after ds was born and we were at home. it was an urge to punch EXP firmly in the jaw for a long list of tiny insignificant irritations that on a normal day wouldn't have even been on my radar but 2 days post partem without any sleep seemed to magnify his annoyability factor by 10. he had Confused face on him for most of the first few days Grin

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