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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want strange men in the ante natal ward

999 replies

moogster1a · 15/11/2011 12:39

Lots of discussion today about allowing men to stay overnight in the ward after you've had a baby.
This would be lovely if you were in a private room, but I wouldn't want to have men sleeping overnight in a shared ward.
i have fond memories of shuffling to the loo in the night looking like someone had slaughtered a pig in my pyjamas and literally leaving a bit of a trail ( no one tells you just how much blood is involved!). i would feel very uncomfortable doing this in front of a stranger's husband.

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 22:12

Or want to be next to the man who 4 hours after baby was born was actually having sex with his girlfriend.

ouryve · 15/11/2011 22:12

I've experience of 2 different maternity wards, both modern, with private rooms for all. After having DS1, I was in a pretty bad way. I couldn't walk (forceps delivery without the knowledge I have now that I have Benign Joint hypermobility Syndrome) and i was weak from extensive blood loss and in need of a 4 unit blood transfusion. He went home for some sleep about an hour after DS1 was born, but came in later and was allowed to overstay, after the 9pm cut off on a discretionary basis to help me bathe myself and care for DS1. Because of the ward set up, they were very keen on fathers participating as far as is practical.

DS2 was an accidental home birth Blush but I was still admitted because of a retained placenta and more extensive blood loss, requiring another transfusion, 3 units this time. Despite this, I was in better shape because of the natural, precipitate birth. Just as well, since DH was needed at home.

Despite their very different start in life, DH's relationship with both of the boys has ended up pretty equal.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 22:13

You are joking! Oh dear lord! I hope the curtain was shut! Shock

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 22:14

Believe me after six years as a midwife I've seen it all. The worst offenders are tagged though so have to leave. Grin

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 22:14

I'm old enough to have been born when men paced the corridors, smoking.

I couldn't be closer to my father, all my life.

MillyR · 15/11/2011 22:15

I apologise if I am being repetitive because others have made the same points, but it seems to me that people are attempting to look at this issue from the context of their own partners, not partners in general.

It is well known that domestic violence often starts once a woman is pregnant. Midwives have already raised the concern that they are not getting the opportunity to pick up on this health risk to mother and child because it has become the norm for fathers to accompany pregnant women to so many appointments that they never get the opportunity to speak to the woman alone so that she can confide in the midwife.

It is obviously then an issue that some fathers present a risk to new mothers. There were certainly a lot of checks done on exactly who was coming on and off the ward when I was in hospital and how they were behaving.

Now, on the other hand, it is clearly unacceptable for mothers to receive inadequate care that creates risks for them and their child, but the solution to that is to raise concerns with NHS trusts and improve that care, not to bring in fathers. Staff have to go through training to work on a ward with vulnerable women - and you are vulnerable if you have just given birth. If there are problems with staff, that can be dealt with. Problems existing within the entire population of parents can't. A random father is not a professional and does not have to go through any checks to be there.

It isn't unheard of for people to remove newborn babies from wards; that is why security is so much tighter on maternity units than in other wards. Nobody should be in those wards at night when mothers are often sleeping other than patients and staff.

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 22:16

I'm not joking. Was the middle of the day, curtain was shut till I flung it open as I was going to do a bp check. Gave all the aunties and granny visiting the woman opposite something to talk about.

Not a one off occurrence either. Mostof my colleagues have seen the same.

chibi · 15/11/2011 22:16

Could children come too? if not why not?

attheendoftheday · 15/11/2011 22:16

Pink4ever anyone who's tired can be ineffectual. Women generally cope because they don't have much choice. I don't think that having a penis means you can't cope, that's just a myth society feeds us. If both parents share the load, both will be less tired.

Lots of sweeping statements about men not being welcome on post-natal wards that ignore the numerous statements on this thread which say they would be happy to share with other people's partners if their own could be there.

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 22:17

Another point: for many women on their second or subsequent child, their partner or husband has to stay with their other children. My husband would have been extremely concerned if he knew his wife and baby were being forced to share the ward 24/7 with a bunch of strange men, some of whom could indeed be criminals.

Sleepyspaniel · 15/11/2011 22:17

eminence that is truly Shock

Minus273 · 15/11/2011 22:17

I just want to point out that I don't believe my objections are sexist. My main concern is the potential number of people in the one room overnight. It would be the same if these were female relatives. They make noise (even with the best of intentions), they take up space. The ward I was on would have visitors chairs against your bed and I don't mean your own visitors. Cribs away at the foot of the bed as no other space making it more awkward to react when they wake up as that is the only place left due to accommodating visitors. Does any one really think such cramped conditions would be condusive to recovery from difficulty at birth.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2011 22:19

Harry that's what I'm talkin' abahhhht Shock

there a thread on here a while ago, where one MN'er was very pleased with herself when she disclosed she had intercourse very shortly after giving birth

I have been trying to remember quite how shortly, but my poor ole brain won't engage

does anyone remember ?

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 22:22

I remember that, AF! She and her partner made use of the shower room to engage in their activities 7 hours after the birth.

Sleepyspaniel · 15/11/2011 22:24

x post eminence, ws referring to drugs/social

WhyAlwaysFuckingMe · 15/11/2011 22:24

7h people are fucking crazy. It was a pain even 7 months later, but 7 h?!

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 22:24

Sheesh maleesh!

You just wouldn't want to have someone like that anywhere near you, would you? Let alone in your room all night Sad.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2011 22:27

emin yes, summat like that

and she was totally pleased with herself for "seeing to her man"

although the rest of us could see she had been coerced by an abuser or terrified he would go and fuck someone else if she didn't open her (still bleeding) vagina to him

there are men like this

they exist

do women really want to share personal body space with men like this when you have just given birth ?

really ?

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 15/11/2011 22:28

Viva - when I had DD I was a first time time needing help establishing breastfeeding, she was born with lots and lots of meconium in her waters, decels, cold, needing a lot of warming up. Would we have been the people taken to a postnatal ward? As it was, MWs left 40 minutes later (as recorded in notes which I have a copy of) and I saw them again a week later.

It is not as bad a thought to think that parents have several hours with the baby before they are forced apart (if that's how they feel). Does this happen on the labour ward even when it's outside of 'visiting hours'?

Minus273 · 15/11/2011 22:28

7hrs? There is no way DH is geting that close to me at 7hr PP way too soon.

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 22:28

At least they did it before her milk came in! Do you think 7hr people breastfeed?

OddBoots · 15/11/2011 22:29

Viva, when I was a student midwife we were told that the maternity unit needed police assistance due to violence or threats of violence more than any other ward except A&E, does that match your experience or is that just local to me?

PootlePosyPumpkin · 15/11/2011 22:31

Viva - when I was in hospital before having DS1 (pre-eclampsia, on ante-natal ward for three weeks prior to delivery), a few of us "long-stay" women spent an astonished afternoon listening to "real life stories" from one of the midwives who told us exactly the same thing - even down to which bed they were in Wink. Another favourite was the man who brought his three small children in to visit their mother & newborn baby sister (who were in a side room due to mum having had a c-section) - and then went to work. Leaving mum, who was 12 hours post c-section, with a newborn baby & three children under 5 Confused.

joanofarchitrave · 15/11/2011 22:32

Lack of staff, private rooms and facilities = non-starter.

Also lack of regulations effectively enforced. The hospital I gave birth in switches all the TVs off centrally at 9pm; this was pre-wifi so that effectively cut the noise by at least 50%. The one my sister gave birth in, incredibly, doesn't - cue people watching TV at daytime volume ALL NIGHT. Presumably now it's even more of a problem as people bring their own devices in.

I see the point of people being able to have their partners in if they want them to, provided there is an armed guard for every 4 beds. If there were money for that sort of staffing, there wouldn't be much of a problem anyway.

ToothbrushThief · 15/11/2011 22:36

I would not sleep if I had some of the blokes I've met in the course of my work in the bay next to me. I'd really be freaked out. Theft, assault, noise, fighting over bathroom facilities.....home birth for me. I would dread going into hosp and leave asap, probably before was advisable. But MTGM would have got the time he would fight for...so I can miss out on my hospital care eh?