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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want strange men in the ante natal ward

999 replies

moogster1a · 15/11/2011 12:39

Lots of discussion today about allowing men to stay overnight in the ward after you've had a baby.
This would be lovely if you were in a private room, but I wouldn't want to have men sleeping overnight in a shared ward.
i have fond memories of shuffling to the loo in the night looking like someone had slaughtered a pig in my pyjamas and literally leaving a bit of a trail ( no one tells you just how much blood is involved!). i would feel very uncomfortable doing this in front of a stranger's husband.

OP posts:
piprabbit · 15/11/2011 21:47

Birth no.1 - baby born at 8pm. I was taken to post-natal ward at 10pm, DH accompanied me (someone needed to carry all my bags Grin). DH left at midnight when I was settled. He was back first think in the morning.

Birth no.2 - baby born at 2pm. I was taken to post-natal ward at 6pm. DH left at 9pm (end of visiting hours).

He had plenty of time for initial bonding, plus time to eat and sleep properly, do my laundry, speak to doting GPs and get the house ready for our return.

I don't think that sleeping in a chair by my bed for 3 nights would have done much to improve his experience - or mine.

MrThanksgivingMan · 15/11/2011 21:47

AF

The thread is about if men should be on
the wards

How can we not make it about men ?

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 21:48

I was re-admitted to PN ward with DD1 to sort out BF and jaundice problems.

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 21:50

My husband wouldn't have wanted you sleeping next to me and his child, either.

grovel · 15/11/2011 21:50

I wonder whether the majority of men really want to stay overnight? My DH would not have wanted to. He was knackered too (different, I know) and needed proper kip to rejoice with us next morning and to be effective making arrangements etc.
He was so lovely and proud and protective (of me and DS). He was also shaved, clean and dynamic. He would not have been any of these things had he spent the night.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2011 21:51

this thread is about the medical needs of mothers and babies, MTGM

your right to coo over your baby in the small hours of the morning does not supercede those

unless you think it does...in which case you are never going to acknowledge that this thread isn't all about you are you ?

attheendoftheday · 15/11/2011 21:51

But if I want my DP to take equal responsibility for caring for DD, being involved in her life etc, that is best served by letting him bond with her early. The fact that I carried DD does not mean that I love her any more than DP or have any more 'right' to her.

I got the first cuddle as skin-to-skin contact can help to establish breastfeeding. DP and I decided this together.

I don't think MrThanksgivingMan at any point put his time with his child above his partners.

MrThanksgivingMan · 15/11/2011 21:51

Harry

I re-read your post and realized you made it clear that you think men don't have an equal right to be there. This helps me understand your view, and I don't see that we can really discuss when we disagree on something so fundamental.

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 21:51

'The thread is about if men should be on
the wards

How can we not make it about men ?'

With most women saying 'no' because it's not about men as tehy are not the patients here.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 21:51

*Harry

You agree that men and women have equal importance to be there

Then you say women have more right due to pregnancy and childbirth *

Eh?

I most certainly did NOT say they had equal importance! How absurd! Women and babies are paramount, not men's precious moments!

Sleepyspaniel · 15/11/2011 21:51

MTGM - postnatal wards are primarily concerned with postnatal people, who, I commonly believe to be exclusively FEMALE. Not MALE.

That's really the starting point.

We are discussing POSTNATAL wards.

Sorry, but as a man you cannot ever be postnatal.

Get over it.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2011 21:53

I wonder where all the showering facilities will be for these men staying over at the b+b ward will appear from ?

They cannot use the patients facilities. Will new shower/toilet blocks be built ?

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 21:53

No one is arguing that men/fathers should not be present at the birth, MTGM, but that women do not want to share the ward with them post-natally.

pink4ever · 15/11/2011 21:53

grovel-I asked my dh that exact question before he passed out next to me snoring!-he said most men would lie to keep their wives happy but would really be thinking hell no!-and want to go home for a decent kip!

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 21:53

MTGM, you are freaking me out.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2011 21:53

oops, poor sentence construction there, you get my drift I expect

MrThanksgivingMan · 15/11/2011 21:54

AF

I don't see how being there causes worse medical attention for any women?

Is it possible that if every baby on the ward had a devoted father participating in their care, that both women and children would in fact benefit from the extra sets of helping hands?

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 21:55

I don't think the argument should be about whether men have enough time or not to spend bonding with their baby. Sorry but I truly don't, there is enough time for that on labour ward, during the day on the pn ward and when you get home.

The thread should be about whether women need the help of their partners on the ward. If they do then why? Would men actually be able to do anything to help? Or is it just women wanting theirpartners there. And whose wishes are more important? The women who don't want other men there or the women who want their partners there.

The thread should be about women and what they want, not what men want.

pink4ever · 15/11/2011 21:56

mrman-are you completely missing the point of this thread? Not every man is a "decent father" and why should other women be possibly subjected to abusive arseholes just because you insist on being a precious moments papa?

stoatie · 15/11/2011 21:56

As I mentioned earlier wayback up the thread I have no objection in theory to men/partners spending the night in chair next to bed (no room for a bed). But - the reality is not all are lovely folk.

I would estimate that on an almost daily basis I come across a tired looking new mum perching uncomfortably on chair whilst her partner lies on the bed (exhausted poor thing from the birth). Without fail they all have shoes/trainers on (nice for infection control).

Some are good humoured when I point out the bed is for mum, some totally disregard me - and sadly a fair few become verbally abusive and aggressive at the suggestion that the bed might be for their partner. ( I am very polite when I speak to them as I am a wuss at heart!) So would you really want this - if their partners bed is not available I'm sure they will be happy on another womans. We have plenty of visitor toilets, clearly marked, but for some reason some men prefer to use the ones marked for patient use only!

AnyFucker · 15/11/2011 21:57

MTGM, I am not going to debate evry single point with you

every argument you have come up with so far (and very possibly every one you will come up with in the future) has been covered elsewhere on this thread

so I will ask you again

have you read this thread in its entirety ?

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 21:57

Is it possible that if every baby on the ward had a devoted father participating in their care, that both women and children would in fact benefit from the extra sets of helping hands?

You either 1) haven't read this thread at all or 2) Haveno idea how some men are or 3) live in cloud cuckoo land if you think every baby will have a devoted father.

Would you have liked your wife sleeping next to the murderer of baby P, for example? Or Fred west, he was a dad many times over.

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 21:57

Because maybe the staff won't bother with the woman as much as they figure her partner is there? Then in the morning they find she's being in bits all night while her partner spent the night snoring in the chair?

Sirzy · 15/11/2011 21:57

MrThanksgiving. Surely its not hard to see why double the amount of adults on the ward, half of whom aren't patients would a) mean people can't get much needed rest and b) get under the feet of staff/make things harder for the staff?

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 21:58

Some people just don't bother reading the whole thread!