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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not want strange men in the ante natal ward

999 replies

moogster1a · 15/11/2011 12:39

Lots of discussion today about allowing men to stay overnight in the ward after you've had a baby.
This would be lovely if you were in a private room, but I wouldn't want to have men sleeping overnight in a shared ward.
i have fond memories of shuffling to the loo in the night looking like someone had slaughtered a pig in my pyjamas and literally leaving a bit of a trail ( no one tells you just how much blood is involved!). i would feel very uncomfortable doing this in front of a stranger's husband.

OP posts:
notcitrus · 15/11/2011 21:08

Have to admit I'm confused about why women who 'can' care for their babies without lots of help are on the postnatal ward at all - don't other hospitals only admit you to the PN ward if you or your baby need inpatient care?

My hospital sends everyone else home after 6 hours or so - I was probably the most independent on the PN ward once I escaped the catheter and drip, being only deaf and in a wheelchair (ds was under supervision for 3 days, though after day 1 it was a mere precaution. I spent the next 2 nights in the breastfeeding/TV room all by myself with ds) The other women I noticed had almost all had c-sections and several couldn't get out of bed at all.

There was also no exception for people needing interpreters unlike someone mentioned upthread - unless you were lucky enough to have a private room, you had to supply your own female terp or get the hospital to, and they wouldn't during the night. So you had a majority of women unable to communicate with staff at night - I'm sure many like me could usually cope adequately in English but not when both exhausted and in pain, like say after labour!

As people have said upthread, most women are only wanting their partners on the ward because they expect, often rightly, that they will be neglected otherwise.

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 15/11/2011 21:08

I am not under pressure from my DH at all.

I would not go into a birth blind. I would discuss all this with relevant medical professionals prior to the event. I am lucky enough to have a very varied choice of local hospitals should I need to use them. I don't make threats. It would depend entirely on the individual situation.

I am well aware pregnancy isn't under my control, I am currently waiting for post mortem results for my last baby Booyhoo.

Sirzy · 15/11/2011 21:10

Notcitrus. Here mothers are generally expected to stay in for 1 night especially if the baby is born in the afternoon.

ChristinedePizanne · 15/11/2011 21:10

MsS - I think a lot of us would like that. But it ain't gonna happen.

My sister is in hospital at the moment and has to stay in for two weeks. She's got a chronic condition and is in a private room. She could kick up a huge fuss and insist that her DH stays overnight but she doesn't.

Because, you know, a couple of nights on your own with your baby isn't going to kill you or your baby because, you are an adult.

And with hospital support, you can look after your baby.

If you absolutely can't cope without your husband, may I suggest not using the NHS

GwendolineMaryLacey · 15/11/2011 21:11

Well aren't you just a fucking saint? Hmm

catgirl1976 · 15/11/2011 21:11

I have to say a large part of my desire not to be separated from my DH (and I have said I would either have a private room, go home or suck it up as I do understand whilst I love him, not everyone else wants him around post partum and in fact he would rather go home) DOES come from the horror stories I have heard about PN care and wards

Some of it is just wanting my nice little family to be together, some of it is just hating hospitals and wanting to leave as soon as I can but a BIG part of it is not wanting to be left on a PN ward when I will be vulnerable and have heard such horrible stories about the lack of care.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 15/11/2011 21:12

Pink4ever that is.

Sleepyspaniel · 15/11/2011 21:13

Ithankyou, daveywarbeck.

Thank god there are still people talking sense.

Even the suggestion that men stay overnight as a matter of course on maternity units makes me feel ill.

I can only presume that those who still think it a good idea can only see as far as the end of their own nose and/or have led very sheltered lives.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2011 21:13

HarryHill you don't want to know, really you don't

daveywarbeck · 15/11/2011 21:15

But the answer to that is more staff catgirl, not husbands on the ward. And believe me, when some vile knob who was allowed to stay the night started kicking off because your baby was crying, you would feel even more vulnerable than you would in a ward with just mothers and babies.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 21:17

I do but only in a sick and perverted way, anyfucker [shame]

MrThanksgivingMan · 15/11/2011 21:18

From the other perspective...

The first night with each of my DC is something I will always remember as some of the most precious hours of my life. I would fight tooth and nail against anyone who tried to take them away from me.

And I couldn't tell you who else was around on the ward if my life depended on it.

grovel · 15/11/2011 21:18

Very difficult for a bloke in a ward to get on with the important stuff like getting the birth announced in the Times and Telegraph.

Ridiculous notion.

daveywarbeck · 15/11/2011 21:19

And this proposal is the absolute final nail in the coffin of me having any more children, I can tell you that. Because I can tell it will happen, it's cheaper than more midwives.

I cannot have another VB, if I have another baby it has to be an ELCS in a consultant unit. I would have to stay on a postnatal ward for at least a night. And after seeing the scrotes who were visiting during day time in my two stays at our local maternity unit, I'm damned if I'd spend the night with them there.

poshme · 15/11/2011 21:19

notcitrus I'll repeat what I wrote earlier:
"Msscarlett you seem to think that if you are not well enough to leave, then you are not well enough to look after a baby.
After my DD I could not stand (epidural not worn off). I still had a drip thing in my hand although it was not attached to anything in case my blood pressure suddenly dropped again (as happened several times during labour). I was not well enough to leave - they wanted to keep an eye on my BP, and I didnt want to go home not able to walk. I was perfectly able to lift DD from her plastic box cot into my bed to feed and change her."
I did not need help to care for DD, neither did she need medical care. I was not well enough to go home.

AnyFucker · 15/11/2011 21:21

HarryHill ask VivaLaBeaver she might tell you Wink

AnyFucker · 15/11/2011 21:21

Sorry, that was in poor taste, this is a serious thread.

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 15/11/2011 21:22

Catgirl, did you say upthread you were literally due to give birth anyday? If so, please don't worry- there are always, always horror stories but the vast vast majority of people get a very good standard of care.

Have you been to see the delivery suite etc? Are you happy with it? I had DD1 in a very small and wonderful midwife-led unit and with DD2 I was induced in a massive and extremely busy hospital. Very different experiences but the standard of care was always great. People with horror stories will tell thgem over and over again but people who had normal/good/uneventful experiences won't!

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 15/11/2011 21:22

Catgirl, did you say upthread you were literally due to give birth anyday? If so, please don't worry- there are always, always horror stories but the vast vast majority of people get a very good standard of care.

Have you been to see the delivery suite etc? Are you happy with it? I had DD1 in a very small and wonderful midwife-led unit and with DD2 I was induced in a massive and extremely busy hospital. Very different experiences but the standard of care was always great. People with horror stories will tell thgem over and over again but people who had normal/good/uneventful experiences won't!

AnyFucker · 15/11/2011 21:23

MTGM you would "fight tooth and nail against anyone trying to take it away from me" ?

case in point

right there ^

MrThanksgivingMan · 15/11/2011 21:24

AF

What's the point?

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 21:25

Ditto what annyfucker said.

It's the poor staff who have to put up with the aggressive twats who think it's their right to do what they want and are prepared to fight anyone who says otherwise. Very, very sad. It's threads like this which make me wish I had another career to turn to.

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 15/11/2011 21:26

Clearly some women definitely don't want their partner or anyone else's around on a ward.

Some women would like theirs to stay but haven't thought through the reality of dealing with everyone else's.

Some women consider it necessary to have their partners there.

Rather than decide which one of these women is wrong and selfish and awful and precious and/or which man is worthy of staying and not going to nut the babies or assault the staff or perve on boobs, why don't we discuss how most of the people can be happy most of the time?

It's clearly up for discussion and is happening in some hospitals due to majority vote. Yet the NHS hospitals won't change layout overnight. What's the solution? I don't think anyone here wants to hurt or distress anyone else, and like it or not some people will be hurt and distressed by being seperated and some by staying together and everywhere in between. I've been called all sorts of things so far by saying I would only stay on a post natal ward if my DH could stay with me, I'm thinking that's not the best use of anyones time when I'm not planning on breaking any rules or upsetting anyone.

Ephiny · 15/11/2011 21:26

I just have no words for the thought of Mr Big Man 'fighting tooth and nail' against exhausted post-natal mums and overworked midwives to make sure he gets his 'precious moments' Hmm when he wants them.

Case in point, indeed.

Andrewofgg · 15/11/2011 21:27

It's apparent that DW and I were lucky (see 13:39) and let me add that so far as I was aware nobody was annoyed that I was there. It would be a pity if new fathers could not at least see their DW/DP and baby onto the ward - but what can't be can't be. Like I say I'm glad I did. And you be as cynical as you like daveywarbeck: the time I sat with DS, about 90 minutes old, asleep on my shoulder, was precious to me and I am getting tearful at the keyboard remembering it twenty-odd years later.

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