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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want strange men in the ante natal ward

999 replies

moogster1a · 15/11/2011 12:39

Lots of discussion today about allowing men to stay overnight in the ward after you've had a baby.
This would be lovely if you were in a private room, but I wouldn't want to have men sleeping overnight in a shared ward.
i have fond memories of shuffling to the loo in the night looking like someone had slaughtered a pig in my pyjamas and literally leaving a bit of a trail ( no one tells you just how much blood is involved!). i would feel very uncomfortable doing this in front of a stranger's husband.

OP posts:
HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 20:49

So your DH will be giving up work to be with you and baby 24/7 will he, Mis sscarlett?

KatAndKit · 15/11/2011 20:51

And what if a woman is admitted to the ward, and the only free bed is in the "men allowed" section. She has to put up with it no matter how she feels. Same is true in reverse.

Men are not patients in the maternity wards of a hospital. Hospitals are there to accommodate and care for patients. It would be really really nice if they were set up differently with single rooms for all. But they aren't. If you are not a patient in the hospital you don't need to stay overnight. there are some exceptions to this, ie allowing a parent to stay with a sick child, allowing you to be with a dying relative or whatever.

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 15/11/2011 20:51

Because I'm a different person to you SleepySpaniel and the idea of being alone and ill with a baby after giving birth with my DH banned from the room or any contact (I assume you cannot have mobile phones in the wards?) with me or his brand new baby is far, far worse than sharing a ward with anyone doing any of the things you have described.

ChristinedePizanne · 15/11/2011 20:52

MsScarlett - that is a very silly thing to say. If you need medical care, then you should stay where you can get it.

Don't let your principles override your wellbeing please :(

AnyFucker · 15/11/2011 20:52

Thank God my family is complete

Everything HarryHill has said on here I have totally agreed with

and I love the real Harry too

but I certainly wouldn't want him, nor any other random bloke, sleeping next to me when I had just given birth

I used to work on a postnatal ward. The stories of what some male partners got up to (often with very willing or more likely coerced females) would make your hair stand on end. And this wasn't a "rough" area, and it was during the daytime.

daveywarbeck · 15/11/2011 20:52

Can you not see the irony of inflicting the presence of a strange man on other vulnerable women because you feel the need for a chaperone, missscarlet?

AnyFucker · 15/11/2011 20:53

MsScarlett, many hospitals have now relaxed their rules about mobile phones in ward areas (unfortunately)

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 20:53

Realistically this is only an issue for women having their first baby. Women on their second or third will generally want their dp to go home to care for the other kids.

Miss scarletts idea of dividing up the bays so some are men free zones is a good one. Makes things slightly more complicated logistic wise as we already divide bays up to some extent to mix. Sections with no sections, have a transitional care bay. For workload reasons. But we could try it. Problems will arise when someone wants a bed in one type of bay and there isn't a bed avilalable.

witherhills · 15/11/2011 20:54

I dont get any of this. In an ideal world and I guess before the birth you might think it's a nice idea for dh/dp to be there.
In reality, you're all exhausted and while it's nice to have a nice little family coo at the baby, you just want some sleep.
If you're transferred to ward in the middle of the night, dh will be there to settle you, then you can both go to sleep.
Unless there is some sort of support that is passed via osmosis when you are asleep, what's all the fuss about?

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 15/11/2011 20:54

Of course not HarryHill.

ChristinedePizanne - when I need medical care, I do go where I can get it.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 20:56

davey you beat me to it!

anyfucker thanks! And now I am wanting to know what went on on the wards Blush

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 20:56

is it just me that is at a loss to understand just how naive msscarlett is being?

saying with total confidence that you wont be on a ward. or that your baby would be in SCBu if at all ill. you very clearly have no grasp of how massively varied the effects of childbirth can eb on both mother and baby. you mentioned quite a few people upthread that you know who have had children, some of them on the PN ward afterwards. what makes you think you wouldn't be in teh same boat as any of them? your body will not behave according to a plan. it will do whatever comes naturally and that is post natally aswell. you have no idea before ou have a baby how you will feel afterwards, even if you have had 10 babies. each time is different and each baby is different. it is very possible that you or your baby will need to be on a post natal ward for a period of time after delivery. it is also very likely that unless you are at viv's hospital yor dh will not be permitted to stay overnight. regardless of any threats to leave from you. so you would be choosing to either stay alone with your baby, or leaving your baby entirely alone on it's first night. i knwo which i would prefer.

Sirzy · 15/11/2011 20:56

Practically though that wouldn't work Viva. Do you think they woman told "sorry the 'men zones' are full so your DP can't stay" would accept that when 6 other woman who are in there have a partner with them?

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 20:57

Missscarlett, are you under pressure from your DH?

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 15/11/2011 20:57

I should also point out actually that although DH did stay the night in the midwife-led unit when I had DD1 he was so shattered from being up since the previous night with me in labour and then sleeping upright on a chair with no blanket that he left at 7am to go home and get some sleep and didn't reappear til about 3pm! So even if they get to stay the night they will inevitably need to leave you and the baby in hospital alone at some point.

I stayed in for another night and he didn't stay, even though he could have. In many ways it was easier, I just dozed, fed the baby and watched tv, knowing the midwives were on call if I needed them.

IHeartKittensAndWine · 15/11/2011 21:00

To be honest, the men could be bloody saints and I still wouldn't want them on my ward. I could be on a ward where women were only tended to by their mothers, or their lesbian co-parents and I still wouldn't want them, because it's turning something private and often quite vulnerable into a bloody cattle truck.

As a nearly 16-year old on a children's ward I was surrounded by parents of infants overnight and even that felt uncomfortable (but very different).

The only people I'd want on my ward overnight are a) other sick/post natal people of the same sex (because err, that's why they're there) and b) medical staff (because, err, that's why they're there). You feel vulnerable enough in hospital anyway, without loads of randoms, increased risk of MRSA or just the damn noise. Harsh as it sounds, I don't care that it's "nice" for some new mums. It's damn unpleasant for the rest of us and it isn't medically neccessary. If it's nice you can beg or borrow the money for a private room.

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 15/11/2011 21:00

I am not inflicting him on anyone. I've never been in a postnatal ward, and I'm not pregnant. So worry not. You can't play vulnerability bingo. It'll always be the case that some women want partners or someone there with them because they feel vulnerable and some will not because they feel vulnerable.

Who wins? Biggest sob story? Most number of stitches? Who? At the moment all the women who want their partners there - and all the babies, and all the fathers who want to stay - are refused. Some people are unhappy. Hence the thread. Switch it round - some people are unhappy. Bingo.

I just think that there should be a way for people who need a support person in hospital to have that person there and it's especially important if the care of an infant is involved.

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 21:01

Don't know SIrzy but unfortunately we have to find some way of trying to find it work as we've been told we have to implement it. I'm not in favour of it full stop. I'm concerned about those women who don't want it and would like there to be men free bays so atbleast they feel comfortable.

To be honest I think the wishes of someone who doesn't want a man there should override the wishes of someone who does want their partner there.

At the minute we have to tell everyone their partner can't stay so if in the future we only have to tell the odd one who we can't fit in the man free bay then surely hats better? Might not be fair but then life isn't and I won't hesitate in telling women that while booting their partner out.

Minus273 · 15/11/2011 21:02

Even if you assume that every visitor will be the nicest person ever it doesn't magically create more room.

Sleepyspaniel · 15/11/2011 21:03

Pekka. Knobbism goes across the board.

However, a certain brand of aggressive, foul, antisocial and intimidating behaviour is more usually attached to certain social groups.

In a city centre hospital especially, all walks of life are likely to convene in a postnatal ward, from high-fliers from exclusive penthouse suites, to those living in the leafy expensive suburbs 4-5 miles out of town, to those living just outside the city centre in crowded, notorious areas. All crammed together in a small ward. You have no way of controlling what knobbism you encounter. However at least you should not have to shut your eyes, be vulnerable and SLEEP next to some knobhead just because his partner happens to have given birth at the same time as you.

daveywarbeck · 15/11/2011 21:04

I am not inflicting him on anyone. I've never been in a postnatal ward, and I'm not pregnant. So worry not.

Good.

Hospitals are for patients. Newly born babies are patients, even the healthy ones need checks and observations to ensure they don't run into problems. The mothers who have just delivered them are patients. The fathers of the babies are not patients. They do not need to be in hospital overnight. End of.

IHeartKittensAndWine · 15/11/2011 21:05

Hear hear daveywarbeck

KatAndKit · 15/11/2011 21:05

They need to be at home tidying up for you and making a nice fresh meal for when you get home! And presumably they need a good sleep too, preferably in a bed not a chair, if they have been awake through a long labour and delivery?

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 21:07

"Hospitals are for patients. Newly born babies are patients, even the healthy ones need checks and observations to ensure they don't run into problems. The mothers who have just delivered them are patients. The fathers of the babies are not patients. They do not need to be in hospital overnight. End of."

totally agree and i think that's all that needs to be said. at the end of the day nobody goes to hospital for a nice experience so saying that it would be nice for a DH to be there just doesn't wash with me. it isn't about what's nice. it is about what is necessary and father/partners on the ward isn't necessary.

pink4ever · 15/11/2011 21:07

Some of the posters on here sound uber precious! Its having a baby ffs not rocket science-and btw I say this as someone who has had many pregnancy complications,3 late losses and a major op while pregnant.

With ds1 it was nearly after 11pm at night before we got on to the ward-and dh wasnt even allowed to come in as visiting hours for partners is 9 til 9. I was in the ward for 2 days and then given my own room.

With my next dcs I had cs-again I was on ward for 2 days and then given my own room. I coped absolutely fine! I was able to pick up,feed baby,get to the toilet etc.

No way in hell would I have wanted dh with me!-he snores terribly and irritates the hell out of me after I have given birth-surely natures way of making sure you dont get upduffed again too quickly!

I really dont understand all this oh but I need my ickle,wickle dh with me to hold my hand,wipe my fevered brow,coo over baby-yuk!