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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want strange men in the ante natal ward

999 replies

moogster1a · 15/11/2011 12:39

Lots of discussion today about allowing men to stay overnight in the ward after you've had a baby.
This would be lovely if you were in a private room, but I wouldn't want to have men sleeping overnight in a shared ward.
i have fond memories of shuffling to the loo in the night looking like someone had slaughtered a pig in my pyjamas and literally leaving a bit of a trail ( no one tells you just how much blood is involved!). i would feel very uncomfortable doing this in front of a stranger's husband.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 15/11/2011 20:30

Barbaric? What an over the top description!!

Sleepyspaniel · 15/11/2011 20:31

tempnamechange - what a terrible and terrifying experience Sad

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 20:32

When i was Ill in hospital last week dh wasn't allowed in till 2:00pm, I'd have loved for him to have been allowed in earlier. The reason they give is so that the doctors can do ward rounds without visitors. I'd have laughed if I hadn't been so poorly as the drs didn't come and see me for six days in a row.

And I was bed bound and my buzzer wouldn't be answered for over 20mins even in the day.

ChristinedePizanne · 15/11/2011 20:33

Thank you for that post kungfu. That chimes with a lot of what my experience was. I was in a PN ward of 4. I felt safe with 2 of them but the other 2 had fucking scary partners and families. As I said before, there is no way I would have felt safe to sleep with these men around.

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 15/11/2011 20:34

Yes, Viva, I would. It is not so necessary in some situations as others - childbirth being the most necessary time for me, due to the childbirth factor, the new baby factor and many other things, depends what else happens. I am not saying what anyone else should do. Just what I do and think. I am not being inflammatory either.

Every time I have been in hospital in my life I have had someone there to stay with me. I have also stayed with him (on a cardiac ward) and with my mother (on a cancer ward and later in a hospice).

ChristinedePizanne · 15/11/2011 20:35

Basic maths lacking - I liked the two women in the bed next to me (not at the same time). On the other side of the room? Not so much

cheeseandmarmitesandwich · 15/11/2011 20:35

I think kungfupanda has said all that needs to be said on this topic! Missscarlett, I think you need to listen to what some people are saying and take your blinkers off.

Alternatively, find a nice midwife-led birthing centre like I had with DD1- all private rooms, partners allowed to stay, and all on the nhs. It was amazing, but sadly places like that are few and far between.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 20:35

msscarlett would would you do if you were to have another baby? woudl it be ok then for your DH not to be there for it's first night because he was looking after you first child?

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 15/11/2011 20:36

Home birth Booyhoo.

And no that wouldn't be alright.

ThePsychicSatsuma · 15/11/2011 20:37

actually I didn't mind dh gone a few hours after birth, so nice when visitors depart and the ward goes quiet (er) and just the mums are there to quietly chat, there's no scurry to the loo, the corridors are clear, the alarms less likely to go off. I wanted to rest and take stock, to just breathe and heal.
If he'd been there I'd have been wondering what he'd eat, I wouldn't be able to relax etc. Also there was zero room for bed + cot+ my stuff + baby's stuff without him there too.
The minutes before visiting, everyone would have to tidy themselves up, put clothes on, ready the baby etc; this is ok for a few hours then enough.
however, i noticed that
Some partners did seem to stay over if the births occured v late at night; unsure of what the rule is with that tbh

ToothbrushThief · 15/11/2011 20:37

Well said kungfu and OhDoAdmit

It's the most ridiculous idea going. Mixed sex wards are being phased out. Why we think phasing them in for post natal women is a good thing I can't imagine!

Possibly they could have a ward for women who are happy to bunk down with mixed sex and one for those are not.

Men are biggest carriers of MRSA. They will be using the same loos on the ward presumably, handling same door handles? Infection rates will rise. Guaranteed.

One man with poor hygiene will spread to a whole ward instead of just his family

ChristinedePizanne · 15/11/2011 20:38

Is there a religious reason MsS?

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 20:41

say if a HB wasn't possible due to complications in pregnancy?

i think you need to let go of this idea that you can control everything TBH scarlett. because you can't. there will be situations oustide of your control that you will have to learn to cope with.

KatAndKit · 15/11/2011 20:41

Not all home births end up with a home delivery. There is still a fair chance of being transferred to the hospital.

Good point about the MRSA.

MrsJRT · 15/11/2011 20:41

Some babies need to be in hospital and not on SCBU, we have small babies on heat pads, babies on IV's and babies requiring tube fed, none of whom are poorly enough to go to SCBU but nonetheless it would be negligent for us to discharge them from hospital until they are well. In that situation missS what would you do?

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 20:42

Kungfupanda - brilliant, brilliant post. I agree with every word!

Missscarlett, yes, being apart from your husband for one night won't be the end of the world. You might think him not snoring next to you is the worst thing ever but I would find him snoring next to me, pretty close .

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 20:43

and your need to control your environment certainly doesn't justify the NHS changing it's policy in regards to unnecessary non-patients staying on a ward.

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 20:43

I was similarly raped, tempnamechange Sad. I would be horrified having to share the ward 24/7 with 4 other, strange men or more.

Pekka · 15/11/2011 20:43

Maybe the situation is worse in certain areas of the country? With a high percentage of dubious characters. The way men are being described on this thread certainly doesn't sound familiar to me, so I assume I live in a more stable area. My experience is that NHS doesn't have enough staff to take care of all the patients, and I personally would hate to see my baby's cries go unanswered if I am not in a state to tend to him. That is why I believe DPs should be allowed to stay.
If I have an uncomplicated birth and easy recovery, I hope to be discharged on the day.

Sleepyspaniel · 15/11/2011 20:44

Thank you kungfu. We have exactly the same thoughts, yours are more eloquently conveyed however.

Why are there so many here who think that if they have a nice DP then ALL DPs are exactly the same? Hmm

The thought of myself and brand new baby in the same vacinity overnight as some scumbag tosser who I try to make sure I don't come across in day to day life as much as possible, makes my skin crawl.

The sort of man who would discuss loudly if "the woman next door (ie YOU) is getting her tits out yet" then rip the curtains open and guffaw.

Then does it again. And again. And again.. And refuses to stop.

The sort of man who would yell "give a fucking shit" if asked to keep quiet.

The sort of man who yells "shut your fucking baby up" if your baby cries.

And that's the nice side of them. Hmm

Postnatal wards are collections of women and partners from all walks of life. There are some walks of life I would rather chew my own arm off than sleep next to.

Are we getting the picture? MsScarlett et al who STILL think this is a good idea - why? How?!?

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 20:44

Missscarlett, you perhaps need to look closely at a private hospital or a homebirth or both?

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 20:45

I agree, kungfu!

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 20:46

Maybe the situation is worse in certain areas of the country? With a high percentage of dubious characters. The way men are being described on this thread certainly doesn't sound familiar to me, so I assume I live in a more stable area.

FPMSL!! Grin
Oh my, I gave birth first time round in Ascot. You can't get much naicer and I couldn't wait to get out and no WAY on earth would I have slept in a room with the partners of some of those women! Shock

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 15/11/2011 20:47

I am apart from him regularly. I don't feel the need to control everything.

If these wards are divided up why not allow men to stay in certain parts. Then those who want it can have it and those who don't, don't.

Not everyone thinks or feels the same way. There have been many posters here who want their partners with them. There should be a way for this to be possible. And I think it very wrong to forcibly remove a parent from their child, especially when that child is ill or brand new.

For me, as I've said - I wouldn't stay on the ward. So in a way it's irrelevant.

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 20:48

The only women I have known to be truly in such a state as to be incapable of caring for their baby are in high dependency care and will have one to one care from a midwife to look after them and their baby.