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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not want strange men in the ante natal ward

999 replies

moogster1a · 15/11/2011 12:39

Lots of discussion today about allowing men to stay overnight in the ward after you've had a baby.
This would be lovely if you were in a private room, but I wouldn't want to have men sleeping overnight in a shared ward.
i have fond memories of shuffling to the loo in the night looking like someone had slaughtered a pig in my pyjamas and literally leaving a bit of a trail ( no one tells you just how much blood is involved!). i would feel very uncomfortable doing this in front of a stranger's husband.

OP posts:
Sleepyspaniel · 15/11/2011 20:13

SaggyBug... read the thread. Many of your musings have been answered earlier.

crazyshyalone · 15/11/2011 20:14

I've known pregnant women on the ward be very upset that their partners couldn't stay when they were admitted as ipatients. This is before the arrival of the baby. Properly upset, sobbing, threatening to leave as they said they couldn't bare to be parted. I'd like to post what I thought at the time but I'm not sure I can put it into words.

Obviously 'spineless' seeing as thats how another poster put it.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 20:14

catgirl.

Best of luck to you and I hope you get a swift birth and are home swiftly.

But I tell you what, if you have to spend a night in a post natal ward I promise you you will see exactly what most of us are saying.Smile

catgirl1976 · 15/11/2011 20:15

stoatie - i did say unless there is a medical reason.

OhDoAdmit · 15/11/2011 20:16

oddboots the discharge time is one of the very reasons I had two home births. I couldnt bear the thought of being stuck on a ward for hours and hours waiting to see an over worked paed who would come and ask me if the baby had pee'd.

catgirl1976 · 15/11/2011 20:17

Sure harry and if I have to spend a night on a PN ward I will be sad that my DH has to leave but I totally accept it and understand why.

I wish (as do we all I think) that the NHS had tonnes of money and everyone got a lovely private room where DHs could stay without making other women feel uncomfortable. I also wish unicorns were real......I do get that this is not going to happen

attheendoftheday · 15/11/2011 20:17

ImperialBlether I'm not spineless, I just have a different opinion to you. Is name calling really necessary?

If it suits you better for your partner to go home then great, I'm not trying to make them stay! It would have worked better for our family if DP had been able to stay, but it wasn't possible so he went and I coped like everyone else does.

Because I coped should I not talk about how things could be improved in the future?

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 20:17

Msscarlett, we are wasting our breath.

You have absolutely no understanding of how hospital births work.

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 15/11/2011 20:18

My DH is not in the least controlling. Nor am I needy. Trust me :)

fatlazymummy · 15/11/2011 20:18

sorry, haven't read the whole thread.
You are definitely not being unreasonable OP.
I only stayed on the post natal ward after my 1st birth, I would actually have discharged myself if this had been the case. I can see the need if the mother is very very ill, but otherwise just no.

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 15/11/2011 20:19

Thank goodness I don't HarryHill they don't sound very pleasant!

NinkyNonker · 15/11/2011 20:20

And I very much appreciated that DH was a little rested. He could organise my discharge better than I could, take dd so I could rest, get the house warm and tidy, get all my favourite food in, bring supplies, fend off relatives etc. If he had stayed in a chair, or on the floor he would not have slept for nigh on 4 days by the time we left, not sure many people would want to be driven home by someone on that little sleep! We would have then both been zombies when we got home, instead of two vaguely tired, but hugely excited new parents.

It isn't an anti feminist state of affairs for the baby to stay with the mother, they're the two who have just been through varying degrees of physical trauma and as such they both need (if they need, if you see what I mean) to be near care.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 20:20

So what is it all about misscarlett?

Sirzy · 15/11/2011 20:21

Those who are saying that basically they can't bear to be without partners, everyone has a right to be there etc etc I hope your children are never hospitalised then a only one parent is ever allowed to stay overnight unless they are critically ill.

The NHS can only cope with so many people at a time, wards are full to capacity as it is therefore surely its understandable why we can't have space for everyone to have someone to keep them company on the ward!!

tempnamechange2312 · 15/11/2011 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 15/11/2011 20:23

How do you mean HarryHill?

ImperialBlether · 15/11/2011 20:23

MsScarlett, I assume you have had a bad experience, since you say your husband goes with you to smear tests. I think we can all understand that some women will find certain situations very difficult and it will help them if they are accompanied by someone who loves them.

How that translates into you and your husband living in the waiting room, I've no idea. Send him home, tell him to fill up the fridge, vacuum the house, tell all the neighbours and come back at 7 pm with a bunch of flowers and some Thorntons chocolates. Then he can go home and get some rest, ready for work the next day.

Mizza76 · 15/11/2011 20:25

Aren't we all missing the point here which is, that this proposal only ever came up because the post-natal wards are shoddily staffed (certainly my experience with my first baby)? Instead of arguing over whether men should be allowed on wards to do the midwives' jobs, shouldn't we be pushing for better staffing levels and better staff? Letting the men stay overnight is just an excuse not to improve care on the wards.

TandB · 15/11/2011 20:26

The NHS does not have bottomless pockets. Private rooms for all are not going to be happening any time soon so the hospitals have to work with what they have.

When what they have is less than ideal, all they can do is to try to predict and prevent the worst problems that they can see arising and apply an appropriate policy.

However nice it would be to think that all men who have just become fathers are far too enthralled with their own lovely baby to indulge in any of the behaviours mentioned here, that unfortunately simpy isn't the case. I have dealt with an awful lot of clients who have become fathers, often at a very young age, and have blithely carried on being exactly the same vile, self-centred little twerps that they were before. I have personally seen some of these young men verbally abusing their heavily pregnant, or new-mum girlfriends, or swearing at and threatening their crying babies. I have seen young babies in the waiting areas of magistrates' courts with parents at each other's throats. I have read accounts of domestic abuse where verbal abuse and threats were made immediately after the birth of a baby.

Most hospitals will have a huge mix of clientele and some of these men will be the partners of the women on any post-natal ward that anyone on this thread might visit. They will not be considerate. They will tell you to fuck off if you ask them not to look through the curtains. They will phone their mates and talk loudly. They will tell their girlfriends they are fat a couple of hours after giving birth and mock them when they cry. They will bring beer into the ward. Not everyone on a post-natal ward has a partner who is a Nice Bloke. My NCT group were nearly all using the same hospital - we didn't - and they were told to take a padlock for their bedside locker as otherwise their phones and cameras WOULD be stolen by other visitors of other patients - this was a common enough occurence that it was just accepted.

These men are the hospital staff's worse-case scenario and these are the men that mean that a blanket ban is needed. It is simply not appropriate to run the risk of vulnerable, post-partum women being exposed to their behaviour.

Unfortunately that means that the nice, supportive, helpful majority have to be banned too, but that is part of living in a society of people with mixed standards of behaviour - laws and rules and policies cater for those who want to do the crap stuff, not for those who can be trusted to behave.

I can't imagine anything more horrific than being stuck, post c-section perhaps, on a post-natal ward with a couple of my clients. I can't imagine anything more frightening or distressing than lying in bed on the other side of a flimsy curtain, listening to one of them threatening to come in and "fucking nut that baby if she doesn't shut it up" - something I heard someone say in court about another woman's baby.

Yes, post-natal care needs some serious looking-at and that would be money well-spent. But not provision for overnight visitors on a ward full of bleeding, hormonal, shell-shocked new mums. Please no.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 20:26

nope, didn't ask if there were any other options. why would i have done? Confused i wanted my baby to be safe incase he stopped breathing again. i knew he was in the best place on the post natal ward. i remained because my baby was in hospital and i was BFing. none of the midwives were lactating at the time (well none of them said they were anyway) so i needed to stay and provide his milk. his father cannot lactate so there was no need for him to stay outside of visiting hours.

no-one was denied access to the child. his father was able to visit within the specified visiting hours. when i became pregnant i considered a few hospitals in which to attend for delivery. i made sure i knew what their policies were WRT fathers visiting. i knew the terms before i entered the hospital. if you dont like a hospital's policy then you need to make an alternative decision for your delivery.

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 15/11/2011 20:26

I have not said anything about my experiences, I have said that if he cannot stay neither will I. Which is great and more room for everyone else, surely.

There have been a lot of other things thrown in the way of that in the meantime but I stand by seperating new families is barbaric and not in the best interests of mother, father or child OR their family dynamic, and that every effort should be made to keep those who want to stay together - together.

daveywarbeck · 15/11/2011 20:28

The paternal relationship is not so fragile that 10 hours separation overnight risks fracturing it. I note most of the precious moments brigade haven't actually had a baby. Even your own beloved husband can be an immense irritant when you are sore, tired and trying to learn how to feed another human being from your nipples.

As I have already said, and no one seems to have any actual argument to counter, if you want to be with your husband that desperately that 10 hours separation is unconscionable, go home. No one will try to stop you.

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 15/11/2011 20:28

I did make an alternative decision Booyhoo and will do so again.

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 20:28

F you we admitted to a surgical ward missscarlett would you try and insist on your dh being able to stay? I'm not being inflammatory btw am genuinely curious about whether people consider this a problem on general wards as well.

ChristinedePizanne · 15/11/2011 20:29

MsScarlett - it would be extremely stupid of you to go home if you have had a CS and still have a catheter and drip fitted.

I am hoping that is not what you mean ...

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