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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want strange men in the ante natal ward

999 replies

moogster1a · 15/11/2011 12:39

Lots of discussion today about allowing men to stay overnight in the ward after you've had a baby.
This would be lovely if you were in a private room, but I wouldn't want to have men sleeping overnight in a shared ward.
i have fond memories of shuffling to the loo in the night looking like someone had slaughtered a pig in my pyjamas and literally leaving a bit of a trail ( no one tells you just how much blood is involved!). i would feel very uncomfortable doing this in front of a stranger's husband.

OP posts:
HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 18:14

bu what if it's not safe for you to leave scarlett? or what if it isn't safe for your baby to leave? would you leave your baby? i doubt it.

lesley33 · 15/11/2011 18:15

And not wanting to breastfeed in front of men you don't know when you have only just started doing it and are basically topless, is not in my book prudishness. I wouldn't be happy to walk about everyday topless, so why should I be expected to think it is okay when I have given birth and am feeling vulnerable?

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 18:16

So send anyone not keeping to basic rules of acceptable behaviour home. I suspect the vast majority of new fathers would be happy to be on their best behaviour to be allowed to stay.

I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry at that, to be honest.

I spent my teaching career in rough as hell schools with the sort of young men who would stab you soon as look at you. If you think for one second they would even know how to behave appropriately let alone do it,then you are sadly completely delusional.

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 18:17

Well, then it must have been in a side room or you got lucky, Scarlett, because if you'd been next to me an the partner was there after hours, I'd have complained and complained.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 18:19

hang on, scarlett said earlier she hadn't been on a post natal ward so she must be talking about delivery ward where her DH stayed, which is allowed.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 18:19

This thread is very saddening.

Do some of you care so little for the emotional welfare of other new mothers that you think your desire to have hubby around is more important?

And yes, those of you who can't bear for him not to be there need to grow a pair and woman up.

bruffin · 15/11/2011 18:20

Sorry April it's ignorant to have complete disregard for everyone else on the ward, There will be other people who have been there weeks. What is your DH going to do in the middle of the night other than sleep, any talking at all will disturp others. You get very little sleep as it is, without taking into account the selfishness of others.

nulgirl · 15/11/2011 18:20

I don't know what middle class utopia some of you live in but in cities a large proportion of the fathers are less than desirable characters. The midwives jobs are to look after mothers and babies not police dimly lit wards in the middle of the night to check that guests are behaving appropriately.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 18:23

It's about safeguarding women and children, surely? Would it not come under child protection?

I wonder if it would, thinking on it. Some of the men there may well have criminal records for a start.
It's not just you and baby who are vulnerable, your purse, personal posessions etc.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 15/11/2011 18:24

Which just proves you have taken no notice whatsoever of what some people have written.

What about the emotional welfare of the women who do need support?

quietlyafraid · 15/11/2011 18:28

I am DESPERATE for rules to be changed so that my DH could be there if I have a kid.

So desperate I can't tell you...

Its been trialled in places, and works. I hope to god, its taken notice of and expanded.

EFF OFF to the people saying - have a homebirth or get a private room. THEY NEED TO BUILD MORE PRIVATE ROOMS AND ALLOW FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN'T HAVE HOMEBIRTHS.

Some women have a NEED for DH to be there. Which personally I think is a bit more important than being a little annoyed at talking...

This isn't like any other medical need. This is about a new life and a baby that you SHARE. TWO parents. Life changing moment. And you want to send the dad away? No wonder some dad's do one without thought....

I am utterly distraught reading all these comments.

bruffin · 15/11/2011 18:28

Yes Gwendolinemary - like the women who are in there waiting for their babies to be born. They are not in there for the pleasure. If your in hospital for weeks your baby or your life is in danger, therefore you need as little stress as possible, and strange men on the ward at night is very stressful.

AprilAl · 15/11/2011 18:30

But it's not ignorant to have complete disregard for the needs of fathers?
We're not talking about "the middle of the night", at my hospital he'll be kicked out at 8pm and not allowed back until the following lunchtime. That's a long time

OK granted if you let fathers stay you have problems with policing of antisocial behaviour, I'm not denying that would involve some major logistics, but basically saying "some people are cunts so no fathers allowed" is a cop out.

For the record I find it laughable that you find my wish for my DH not to miss out on the hours he so desparately wants to spend with his child immature, but you don't find those expressing concern about strange men seeing them breastfeed immature. Draw the curtains if the idea someone who isn't in the slightest bit interested happens to glimpse a bit of flesh bothers you so much.

I find it laughable that so many here are talking about having concern for others. Where's the concern for the fathers? There must be a better solution than a blanket ban

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 18:33

april. as has already been stated many times. the midwives will just open the curtains straight up again.

and what if you are too sore to get up out of bed and pull the curtain? do you ask the gawping man to help you out?

bruffin · 15/11/2011 18:33

April you and your Dh really need to grow up, if that is you have to worry about the birth of your child, count yourself lucky. There were woman in hospital with me whose babies died, and others that put into different hospitals from their baby because their kidneys had failed

OddBoots · 15/11/2011 18:33

Hang on, it's just occurred to me that there are fines for having adult patients in mixed sex wards,

"Hospitals have to pay £250 for each day a patient is kept in mixed-sex accommodation" link

"Mixed-sex accommodation is where patients of the opposite sex have to share sleeping accommodation, toilets or washing facilities." link

Will hospitals have to put men on a separate ward or to avoid having these fines?

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 18:33

Quietlyafraid and April, have either of you given birth or spent time as a patient on a post natal ward?
Quietly, why do you need your DH there?

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 18:35

"OK granted if you let fathers stay you have problems with policing of antisocial behaviour, I'm not denying that would involve some major logistics, but basically saying "some people are cunts so no fathers allowed" is a cop out."

so what are your solutions to this problem that doesn't involve any of teh currently overstretched NHS budget being taken from those that need it?(that'll be the patients, just incase you thought it was your DH)

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 18:36

'I find it laughable that so many here are talking about having concern for others. Where's the concern for the fathers? There must be a better solution than a blanket ban'

They are not patients.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 18:39

Again, for some people here the needs of men who are not patients overides the needs of women who are?

Did I sleep through feminism?

There are men who will try to have sex with their partners in a bed next to you. There are men who will be abusive to your partner if he so much as glances at theirs.
There are men who will be drunk or drug abusers.
There will be men who will abuse you if you breastfeed.

Those of you who want this, be verym very careful what you wish for.

quietlyafraid · 15/11/2011 18:40

Psychological reasons HarryHillatemygoldfish.

And the fact there is no a single fucking private maternity outside london.

I want a baby so badly. And this is one of the things that is absoluetely killing me. I need my husbands support. The prospect of even one night in hospital with a baby without him is to much to bare.

I don't expect a single damn person on this forum to understand. Or care. I know I will get total shit for it. But this is one of the things preventing me from having a kid.

You have no idea. No one gets it. I'm a fucking fruitloop and I can't help it.

I wish you could see how I am right now and realise just how utterly distraught the comments here have made me.

slavetofilofax · 15/11/2011 18:40

Bruffin, that's a horrible thing to say. Presumably, you have no idea of April and her DH's life.

I would like Fathers to be able to stay if they want to, but I doubt that they all would given the chance. There will be Dad's that have to go home for the other dc, and the 'undesireables' will probably want to sod off to the pub.

What about when unsavoury Dad's have sick children staying in hospital? They don't make them do a CRB check and interview them to make sure it's ok for them to stay with their own child, I don't see how this is any different.

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 18:40

'EFF OFF to the people saying - have a homebirth or get a private room.'

Lovely. It's bad enough with people with attitudes like yours having to be in the ward for medical necessity without your spouse and his similar attitude as well. All the more reson not to have men on the wards at night.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 18:43

quietly with all due respect. if you have psychological issues, those are your issues and aren't a reason to allow all partners into post natal wards overnight. you can see that right?

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 18:43

You need professional help if this is actually stopping you from having a child, quietly. Or save up to go private.

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