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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want strange men in the ante natal ward

999 replies

moogster1a · 15/11/2011 12:39

Lots of discussion today about allowing men to stay overnight in the ward after you've had a baby.
This would be lovely if you were in a private room, but I wouldn't want to have men sleeping overnight in a shared ward.
i have fond memories of shuffling to the loo in the night looking like someone had slaughtered a pig in my pyjamas and literally leaving a bit of a trail ( no one tells you just how much blood is involved!). i would feel very uncomfortable doing this in front of a stranger's husband.

OP posts:

Original poster

moogster1a · 15/11/2011 18:01

I was thinkng of mailing the link to this topic to the head of the RCmidwives to let them know that there seems to be a clear majority against this idea.

OP posts:

lesley33 · 15/11/2011 18:01

April - I would want my partner there. And I wouldn't really mind about nice men being there - although I would prefer not. But loud, obnoxious and insensitive men - then certainly no.

Sirzy · 15/11/2011 18:02

April - tough. He isn't a patient and therefore doesn't need to stay. An adult can cope with a few days (maximum) of not being there overnight, in most cases it's one or two nights. Them not wanting to go is no argument for them to stay.

OddBoots · 15/11/2011 18:03

I've been a surrogate and my first surrogate baby was released to go home (with my wholehearted blessing) at 4 hours and I went home the next morning. I'd had a PPH or I would have left at the same time. So yes, it is possible for a baby to be discharged into the care of his or her father and mum to stay in hospital.

Shutupanddrive · 15/11/2011 18:03

YANBU at all, it's hard enough to get any sleep or rest in there as it is without partners staying too

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 18:04

dreaming just to clarify, you do not require permission from anyone to have a homebirth, it is your right.

But the rest of your post I do agree with.

April have you read the whole thread, if not, it's really worth reading. Fantastic debate and I think you'll see exactly why, delightful as your DH no doubt is, we can't allow this to happen .

bruffin · 15/11/2011 18:05

April, if you are immature enough to need your DH that much you are really ready to have a baby?

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 18:05

I wanted my spouse there, but I realised that it was a ward, shared with other patients, so the needs of these patients had to come before what I wanted. Yes, I could say I needed him there, but that's not really true it wasn't essential to my survival.

I would not have wanted other peoples' partners there overnight, therefore it would seem hypocritical for me to have mine there, either.

dreamingbohemian · 15/11/2011 18:06

Sirzy I've made it clear I'm talking about women who have had sections or complications, and are physically impaired.

Am I really not considered seriously ill a few hours after major abdominal surgery? Okay then

Of course I coped but it was pretty hellacious. It would have helped a lot to have DH or anyone! there to help me.

Towndon · 15/11/2011 18:06

YANBU

piprabbit · 15/11/2011 18:06

After both my births I was well enough to care for my baby on my own, however on both occassions I had to stay on the post-natal ward for three or more nights.
The first time, I had been injecting herparin (anti-clotting drug) throughout the pregnancy plus I had been induced early. The hospital needed to be sure that I was as well as I appeared to be before I could leave.
The second time, I had high blood pressure before the birth and the hospital wanted to see I was OK overnight. When my baby was checked by the registrar after 24hours, he found funny spots on his back which could have indicated a major immune problem. We had to stay in another 36hours for baby to get the all clear.
So no - I was not incapacitated and unable to care for the baby, but the hospital were taking the steps they needed to in order to enure the safety of myself and my baby.

As to time on the ante-natal ward. Well I was there for 4 days being induced before DD decided to put in an appearance. One of the women I meet was only 5months pregnant and due to spend the rest of her pregnany pottering round chatting to people as she couldn't be released. Second time round I spent 2 weeks on the AN ward while myblood pressure was controlled (before going home for another 4 weeks before DS arrived). Again - I was always well enough to fend for myself, potter about, fetch my own tea, go to the bathroom etc.etc. but I needed to be close to immediate medical care. I met many women in my boat - rash, spotting whatever, all with high risk pergnancies but very few bed-bound.

To say that only the physically incapacitated mothers are admitted to either AM or PN wards is pretty far off the mark.

nulgirl · 15/11/2011 18:08

I think it is a horrible idea to have partners staying over. Some of the new fathers on the ward I was on were the kind of people who you would cross the road to avoid. We were warned not to keep anything valuable beside our beds as some of the junkie fathers were stealing phones etc. how would you police this in the middle of the night when most people are sleeping?

I think most people who think this is a good idea are very naive and are thinking of their own partners and would be very unhappy if they had to spend several nights sleeping a few feet from some of the really dodgy characters who will be there too

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 18:09

april hospital is for people that need to be there. as nice as it would be for your DH to not have to take his eyes of his baby, it isn't a need.

Pekka · 15/11/2011 18:09

I have read through the thread and I am of the opinion partners should be allowed on the maternity ward. The only counter argument has been extreme cases or prudishness. I still maintain that until the NHS has more money patients will need help from family members, not just on the maternity ward, but everywhere else as well.

Sirzy · 15/11/2011 18:09

I don't think after a section they should be allowed to stay either! Hey back when I was born mums stayed in for 10 days after a section with just 2 hours visits a day and managed just fine!

At the end of the day it is impractical on so many levels for fathers to be allowed to stay.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 18:11

Prudishness?

Have you ever given birth Pekka?

Have you ever been on a postnatal ward as a patient?

dreamingbohemian · 15/11/2011 18:11

Harry I know that's true in theory but believe me, my midwife was not having it. She basically implied me and my baby would die in a homebirth and had me in tears. But, I can't be too mad at her, because in the end she was right -- he never would have come out, and we were pretty far from the hospital.

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 15/11/2011 18:12

eminencegrise - I have had a baby - I have had three if you're counting the ones who didn't make it - one in a hospital and my DH has been there throughout.

Viva - he would not get violent. He is a very nice man. He would refuse to leave, yes, but I make the whole issue easy really, if he goes I go too. He has stayed the night with me before in hospital.

bruffin · 15/11/2011 18:12

Agree with piprabbit, in the 7 weeks i was in hospital, i didn't see anyone that incapacitated that they needed their DH there perminantly.

dreamingbohemian · 15/11/2011 18:12

Sirzy, I suspect staffing levels were much better back then.

I would not want to have my partner there if there were enough staff -- but there aren't, so it would be nice to have the option.

daveywarbeck · 15/11/2011 18:13

april you won't have your curtains closed. a mw will swish them open, believe me.

AprilAl · 15/11/2011 18:13

So send anyone not keeping to basic rules of acceptable behaviour home. I suspect the vast majority of new fathers would be happy to be on their best behaviour to be allowed to stay.

bruffin what an ignorant thing to say. It's nothing to do with me being immature and needing him there, it's about having the emotional intelligence to understand how much he deserves to be there. I want him there for him, not me

blackteaplease · 15/11/2011 18:13

April, the amount of time your dh gets to spend with your newborn entirely depends on what time you give birth and how you give birth but no he won't be allowed to stay after visiting hours. You may be allowed to stay in the recovery room with dh for a couple of hours like I did but not if it's busy and they need the room.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 18:14

He would refuse to leave?

Lovely. Then I hope the police or security would be called Missscarlett. In fact, they would be so you should go too, if that is how you feel. Good luck to you.

daveywarbeck · 15/11/2011 18:14

sigh

your husband may not ger violent. some of the crack addled specimens at our local hospital would.

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