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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want strange men in the ante natal ward

999 replies

moogster1a · 15/11/2011 12:39

Lots of discussion today about allowing men to stay overnight in the ward after you've had a baby.
This would be lovely if you were in a private room, but I wouldn't want to have men sleeping overnight in a shared ward.
i have fond memories of shuffling to the loo in the night looking like someone had slaughtered a pig in my pyjamas and literally leaving a bit of a trail ( no one tells you just how much blood is involved!). i would feel very uncomfortable doing this in front of a stranger's husband.

OP posts:
MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 15/11/2011 17:34

Didn't mean that to sound Hmm if it did.

dreamingbohemian · 15/11/2011 17:35

Gwen -- I'm sorry to hear that. I had a very similar experience.

Again, this is not about women wanting a little bit of company. This is about having to listen to your baby scream in hunger for hours because you can't get out of bed and no one will come help you.

My neighbour almost dropped one of her babies on the floor Sad

Babies and mums are being put at risk because of inadequate staffing. Is it really so hard to understand that faced with that, women want someone to stay with them?

allhailtheaubergine · 15/11/2011 17:36

Okay. This thread has changed my mind. It is a terrible idea, for lots of the reasons stated.

I suppose I was only thinking in terms of my husband staying - he is a jolly nice chap who would be utterly aware of how his role would be to support me in as discrete a way as possible, and he definitely wouldn't use the ward loo or look at anyone's boobs or snore or lean on anyone's curtain or smoke or thump anyone. I hadn't thought about the reality of some of the men who would be allowed to stay on the ward who may not be as understanding.

oldraver · 15/11/2011 17:37

I dont where they would put them in the hospital I was in. The space you had in your little curtained area was big enough for a hospital bed and about a foot at the end, then another three foot sideways which had to accomodate your bedside table, chair and the fishtank.. no room for another bed.

The unit I was on has recently turned one four bed room into two seperate family rooms complete with microwaves fridges and a spare bed but these are only for use of people on the special unit as some come from quite a way or are in for quite a while

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 17:39

'He would refuse to even consider leaving his newborn child. Why would anyone want to leave their newborn? I would be furious if it were suggested. '

I am surprised at how many people have been on a post natal ward. I always assumed they were for people very poorly after childbirth, and to my mind, if you're poorly enough to need to be hospitalised you can't take care of a baby! What percentage of people go to a post natal ward? Or an antenatal ward for that matter? Can't be that many?'

Then I strongly recommend you start saving to go private or see if your hospital has private rooms available for hire and what hte policy is for partners staying overnight, because other than Viva's, I've not heard of partners being able to stay overnight in NHS wards and I'd make sure anyone whose partner was still there after hours was brought to attention of the staff so they can go away because I would be equally furious to be expected to share the ward 24/7 with non-patients.

Many people go onto the PN ward. Not all people live near the hospital and have a car or someone with a car or money for a taxi to go home straightaway. Not all people have a partner or family at all.

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 17:39

And I do understand that there is a problem with a lack of support on teh wards and I have full sympathy with women in this situation. I can only speak for where I work but I would say that in a rough estimate 98% of buzzers are answered within 5 minutes and a 100% in 10 minutes. Only exception might be if there is a major emergency and all staff are busy trying to prevent someone from dying.

I will fully admit that if someone buzzes for help breastfeeding I don't have the time to spend ages with them. Sometimes I do and might get to sit with someone for 30 or 40 minutes but a lot of the time I will help them get baby in right position, talk them through what they need to look for/what they need to do and then have to leave them and pop back in 10/15 minutes to see how they're doing/give them more help. I know its not ideal but I totally fail to see how having a partner there will help the woman in that situation. Yes they can give some emotional support but no practical advice unless they happen to be a breast feeding counsellor......

I was in a general ward recently and was shocked at the frequent 20 minute waits I had for someone to answer my buzzer.

madmomma · 15/11/2011 17:41

YANBU. And my DH snores like pneumatic drill so would be about as welcome as a fart in a lift

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 17:41

MsScarlet - I think its pretty much routine for the majority of women giving birth in an NHS hospital. If you have private care, a home birth, give birth in a birthing centre I/m sure its a lot different/better.

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 17:43

'what do you do for four hours?'

The baby and I fell asleep for a while.

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2011 17:46

"'He would refuse to even consider leaving his newborn child. Why would anyone want to leave their newborn? I would be furious if it were suggested"

Well at the minute we haven't implemented the partners staying overnight thing. I think because there is a lot of opposition from the staff.

At the minute if any partner tried to stay on the ward overnight it wouldn't happen. I've met my fair share of blokes who have refused to leave, being very aggressive, being totally furious, etc. Believe me not a single one has stayed. I haven't got as far as needing to call the police yet but I would if it came to it, without any hesitation.

We do make some exceptions, if someone is very poorly in a side room, if the baby is poorly in a side room or if someone has twins in a side room. We only have a very limited number of side rooms (less than 10) and even if you managed to get one without one of those complications your partner wouldn't be able to stay.

Sirzy · 15/11/2011 17:46

Once you are over the age you need a children's ward you are old enough not to need someone staying with you in hopsital (other than in extreme cases of course!)

There is enough noise and chaos on an post natal ward without potentially doubling the number of adults on the ward.

Pekka · 15/11/2011 17:47

Due to complications early in the pregnancy home birth is not an option for me. We can't afford a private room. My experience of a hospital ward is ringing the bell and no one answers. No one comes to see you at night. You can wait for hours to have a sip of water, if you aren't able to get out of bed. I can't even imagine how awful it must feel to hear your baby is hungry but no one brings him to you.
I have had a painful pregnancy and painful recovery from an operation early in the pregnancy. That's why I am expecting a difficult birth and painful recovery from birth. I hope they will let my DH look after the baby even if they don't allow him to stay at the ward.
Could my DH take the baby home if I have to stay at ward? I would hate the baby's cries to go unanswered.

bruffin · 15/11/2011 17:48

YANBU I feel very strongly about this

I spent 7 weeks in hospital while i was waiting for DS to be born, It would have been a complete nightmare if there were men in the wards at night as well.It was stressful enough as it was. The hospital I was in had small wards with pre natal and post natal very close together, thankfully men were not allowed and we all survived. Husbands were alllowed in until 10 and most of the day, obviously they were allowed on the delivery ward 24 hours.

I can see no reason for men to be on the ward at night post or prenataly

Avantia · 15/11/2011 17:50

Wards are going to be slightly overcrowded with all partners staying - anyway I would want my DH to be at home getting decent sleep so he is in a fit state to look after me when I got home - no point both of us being knackered from day one !

rollonchristmas · 15/11/2011 17:50

'What the Fucking hell!!

for the love off god keep your curtain closed'

are you suggesting she wee's the bed instead?

op I know what you mean I was embarassed having to go to the toilet the first time , horrible.

dreamingbohemian · 15/11/2011 17:53

Viv It's true a partner can't help with breastfeeding per se, which is why I don't think that's enough of a reason to allow someone to stay.

But for women who can't move, and are having trouble BF, a partner can go get formula from the desk (as they won't leave some for you in case you need it -- you need to buzz them to get it but then they don't answer the buzzer!) If you have twins, a partner can help hold and move them around safely.

HarryHillatemygoldfish · 15/11/2011 17:55

**

Nice one, Aubergine, I'll budge up! Grin

The only possible advantage to this hideous idea is that more women will opt for homebirths!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 15/11/2011 17:55

Is it a standard thing that they won't leave formula then? I thought it was just the unhelpful buggers I got stuck with. If so, why is that?

dreamingbohemian · 15/11/2011 17:56

Sirzy I don't want someone staying in with me

I want someone to stay to help take care of my newborn, while I'm impaired.

Most surgical patients are not expected to take care of a helpless baby at the same time. It's not the same thing.

bruffin · 15/11/2011 17:56

Well said Sirzy, my feelings exactly.

HeresTheThingBooyhoo · 15/11/2011 17:57

pekka i think as long as the baby's checks have been done and everything is ok then yes the baby can go home even if you can't. in fact i know of a case where this has happened.

Sirzy · 15/11/2011 17:59

Sorry dreaming unless you are left seriously ill afterwards you cope like thousands of woman do each year. Where exactly do you think wards should put these extra people?

Btw the midwives happily left me with formula, it was about all they did in the time I was in actually!

AprilAl · 15/11/2011 18:00

YABU

I want DH with me after I've given birth, I don't care how many other men see me in my nightie, I want him there. OK some people may not feel the same way, but I can guarantee my DH won't be in the slightest bit interested in the other women on the ward, he'll only have eyes for DC (we'd have our curtains closed anyway). I feel so sad for him that he's going to be kicked out when all he wants is to spend those first few hours with his newborn. We asked whether he'd be allowed to stay if we paid for a private room - apparently they'll still kick him out.

It stinks. It's his baby too and he should be there. I couldn't bear being alone at home knowing my wife and baby were just a few minutes away. It really makes me sad to think how awful that will be for him.

dreamingbohemian · 15/11/2011 18:00

Gwen I don't know why they do it but I think it's common.

Harry you do understand that women can't just opt for homebirth? I wanted one, mostly to avoid the postnatal situation, but my midwife refused.

To say women should just have homebirths if they want their partners there (as people said earlier) is ridiculous, you need to get permission.

As it turned out I was lucky, my baby apparently would never have come out naturally.

eminencegrise · 15/11/2011 18:01

My sister's baby went home before she did. My sister had influenza when she delivered. Fortunately, her daughter was unaffected, but my sister developed severe pnuemonia and was in hospital for a fortnight following the birth. The baby went home with her father about 2 days after the birth; she was kept in the SCBU until that time.