to not want strange men in the ante natal ward

[moogster1a]

Lots of discussion today about allowing men to stay overnight in the ward after you've had a baby.
This would be lovely if you were in a private room, but I wouldn't want to have men sleeping overnight in a shared ward.
i have fond memories of shuffling to the loo in the night looking like someone had slaughtered a pig in my pyjamas and literally leaving a bit of a trail ( no one tells you just how much blood is involved!). i would feel very uncomfortable doing this in front of a stranger's husband.

Here's that thread dreamingbohemian here

Loads of people want a MN campaign for better postnatal care.

Maisie I know it wouldn't be easy, but surely you could have some exceptions?

I think basically if the mum can't walk or get out of bed, the partner should be able to stay -- i.e., if the mum is actually physically impaired. Even more so if there are twins to take care of.

Before my ds was born I would have thought it ridiculous my dh being there at night but my postnatal ward experience was horrific. No mw came when anyone rang their bell. I had to get out of bed despite an emergency forceps, epidural and multiple stitches to go look for a mw to help a woman who was catherterised and was having trouble and got shouted at for my trouble.
My ds was plopped in my bed at nighttime so I could feed him and told he had to stay there as noone could come later on and help me out of the bed (my bedsides didn't work) or get him for me. I had low bp and was so exhausted after 4 nights of no sleep I was terrified I would crush him and stayed awake another night. By the time I left - I basically told them I was leaving whether they wanted me to or not - I was a wreck. My experience was not unusual in that hospital. I would've done anything to have someone in with me at night to help- man or woman. If there are not enough staff to cover the wards at night what are women meant to do?

I have been in a surgical ward and night care was good- at least someone came and checked the ward occasionally.

fothering thanks for that -- I'd actually written on that thread but hadn't seen Katie's update in October, it's good to see they showed some interest eventually!

I had a CS last time so I was in for a couple of nights. From my bed I could see the patients toilet, with a big note on the door that visitors must go elsewhere. And I watched an endless parade of dads and children using the patients toilets. That's in the daytime. Complete lack of respect.

Once you've got dads staying on the ward how long will it be before people expect to bring their toddlers in as well, because after all they don't like being separated from mummy. Where do you draw the line?

On the campaign thread, Katie of MNHQ suggests getting together a leaflet of best practice for postnatal care.

Then she asks "Is anyone a member of their local Maternity Services Liaison Committee or does anyone know a good local one? If so, is you area a good place to start? Or does anyone want to make a bid for the first leaflet to be for their local hospital?"

(I'll go and read the whole thing now)

I don't think many (or any) hospitals have just one big postnatal ward, it is usually broken down to bays.

I'm not keen on men on post natal wards overnight (and would have discharged myself) but if other people are then maybe divide the bays into those which permit men and those which don't.

The answer to a newly delivered mother being physically impaired is not for her partner to be present 24/7 to nurse her. It is to have adequate staffing levels to attend to her needs.

Oh my goodness, I am tearing up at some of these stories. What a bloody nightmare!

I am not attached to my DH at the hip. We are both very independent people and often spend nights, even weeks apart. That doesn't have any basis on me wanting him there for the birth of his child. I don't mean the bit when the kid comes out of your body, but the hours and days afterward which are extremely precious and special to most people, I'd have thought. I also want him there with me to make decisions on our child's care. He would refuse to even consider leaving his newborn child. Why would anyone want to leave their newborn? I would be furious if it were suggested.

I am surprised at how many people have been on a post natal ward. I always assumed they were for people very poorly after childbirth, and to my mind, if you're poorly enough to need to be hospitalised you can't take care of a baby! What percentage of people go to a post natal ward? Or an antenatal ward for that matter? Can't be that many?

Well I was in for nearly a week with DS in august. I HATED it.

Gave birth (well DS was yanked from me with forceps in theatre and I had a spinal block because I might of needed a cesarean). at 7.30pm, visiting times were till 8pm so they made DP basically kiss me bye as I was being stitched and leave. It still upsets me to think about it. I was so traumatised from a terrible labour, couldn't walk from a spinal block (+had a catheter), had lost a lot of blood, was trying to breastfeed with no midwife support, was physically exhausted from an induced 4 day labour and was left in a dark ward with three other women and expected to care for my baby.

I don't understand why people are moaning about strangers because during the day (10am-8pm) partners were allowed anyway and from 2-6 people could have up to 4 others. So I had waves of people seeing me soak through sheets of blood anyway. I think it's evil making someone who was as vunurable as I was be by themselves.

Those hours between 8pm at night and 10am in the morning are a lonng time for someone that fragile. Terrible experience, am sat crying just thinking about it even though DS is three months!

Haven't read the whole thread, but had to say I would really support partners staying in antenatal wards after the birth (of course this would be much easier with private rooms). The first night after having DD was awful and would have been so much better with DP's support - he had to leave about half an hour after the birth which left little bonding time. If I'd been able to I would have gone home straight away with him, but there were complications in the birth that would have made this risky for DD.

I think men having to leave overnight really adds to the division between the roles of men and women in most families. It meant that by the first morning I was already the 'expert' in how to care for DD, meaning DP followed my lead, and that dynamic is still there. It should not have to be that way, he should have been able to be as involved from the being. I'm not saying there's a problem with women being the primary caregiver, but each family should be able to decide rather than be forced into roles regardless.

MsScarlett I was expecting to go home within 4 hours. But you get kept in if you've been induced because there is a higher risk of heamorage. Think epidurals are a bit longer than average, especailly if you've got a catheter.

My reason was both the above + a lot of blood loss (from forceps) and an infection. Not sure where it was exactly but I had high white blood cell count so me and DS were on IV anti biotics.

There was a lady who had a cesarean on my ward aswell. We got talking because we were both so lonely at night. And we both wheeled each others babies to each other when we needed the loo/shower because you're just expected to leave them!

attheendoftheday I agree, I was an expert at nappies by the third night and DP put his first one on backwards, and got weed and pooed on simultaneously. Couldn't of gone worse! But seriously, was horrible seeing him be so foreign about it, when we should of both been the same!

MsScArlett do you live in the UK? I find it astonishing that you are so astonished about mothers and babies going to stay on postnatal wards. Ok so in itself childbirth is not an illness but in can be quite an ordeal and I think a bit of looking after is the least these new mums require. I'd say if the proportion of women that give birth in hospital around 98% of them get transferred to the ward afterwards.

Is is really necessary to stay in so long? What do you do for four hours? I think I need to ask some friends about this. I know some have stayed, some overnight but we don't tend to talk about nether regions with regularity. I'm feeling rather stupid, I just haven't thought about the process before and I'm surprised how upset I am at the very idea of DH being kicked out after birth, and some of the stories here :(

I wouldn't want a strange man in the ward at night and I don't think anyone would appreciate my husband being there either. He snores REALLY LOUDLY.

There's already a shortage of bed - how the hell would they accomodate partners aswell? .

'The answer to a newly delivered mother being physically impaired is not for her partner to be present 24/7 to nurse her. It is to have adequate staffing levels to attend to her needs.'

But that's not going to happen anytime soon. So should we just let women suffer in the meantime?

I think it's appalling, the capacity for suffering we expect women to have.

What do you do for 4 hours? Well skin to skin is recommended to be uniterrupted for first hour after birth so thats your first hour gone.

Ideally followed by a good breastfeed so thats another 30 mins + gone.

Then baby to be weighed and measured and checked over.

Then while mum has a shower and tea/toast the midwife needs to do paperwork. Now as a midwife let me tell you take takes a minuimum of 30 minutes, thats if I get 30 minutes uniterrupted and type as fast as I can. But that won't happen as the chances are I'll have another woman to look after and will give her priority over postnatal paperwork. So the paperwork can take me 2 or 3 hours to do, doing 10 miuntes here and 5 minutes there.

Then if you're wanting to get the Paed check done - chech reflexes, listen into heart, etc. That can't be done till baby is 6 hours old. So a lot of women will stay in for that rather than having to come in for an appt the following day.

Women wanting their partners to stay is just a symptom of a bigger problem -- namely, that women do not believe they will receive adequate support or respect on the postnatal ward.

Absolutely with knobs on. I had no post natal care. When the MWs did turn up they were rude, disinterested and did nothing to help. I won't go on about the lack of bf support because I've played that tune many many times on here, but I was shouted at and laughed at. I was left with a screaming baby for over 2 hours in the middle of the night because she was hungry, no one had shown me how to feed and my guesswork wasn't working. I had asked for some formula (that they pushed on me incidentally) to be left for the might feed but was told no, they wouldn't leave me any, to ring and they'd bring it. Bollocks did they, which is why a C&G starter pack of ready bottles is in my hospital bag this time round despite wanting to bf. I will never ever rely on the care of mws after birth again.

The blokes won't get beds, they'll have to spend the night in a chair. I will bet £10 that when our ward implement this policy I will have at least one man moan and complain at me in the first week that he isn't been given somewhere more confortable to sleep.

And I when I say complain I don't mean a gentle "oh I wish I had a bed to sleep in" said politely in passing. I mean I will have to contend with someone in my face yeliing at me and trying to intimitate me into letting him sleep in one of the empty beds (in the unlikely event there is an empty one). I will bet another £10 that if there is an empty bed he will refuse to listen to being told he isn't allowed in in and I'll be told to "fuck off" and he'll get in it anyway.

what do you do for four hours?

well i delivered the placenta, then i was stitched and once i'd had a good bit of skin ti skin contact and a few photos had been taken i was brought to have a bath, they let me stay there for an hour whilst EXP bonded with ds. then i got 'dressed' (in my pjs) and waddled to the ward. i was brought some tea and toast and gave ds a feed. you could pass four hours quite 'easily' afetr the birth of a baby TBH.

YADNBU I barely wanted xp there.

That doesn't sound like fun Viva.

I have to say the babyhaving you describe doesn't sound anything like my own experiences to date but maybe I've just been lucky/unlucky/odd.