to think that DH needs to lower his expectations?

[MissIngaFewmarbles]

Before we got together DH used to have a staggeringly well paid media job in London. When he and is ex split they both moved back home to be with their respective families and DH had to take a much lower paid job. Then he met me, I've never 'had money' IYSWIM. Between us we have 4 DC, he earns good money but it's still a bit tight every month.

Aaaaanyway, to the point, I asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he said he would like a new wallet, lovely I thought, I can find something really funky. Then he says that he only really wants a replacement Paul Smith one (they cost £140ish). This is higher than our usual budget for each other and TBH I just feel it's too expensive for a frigging wallet. AIBU to think he's still trying to live on his old salary and should get over himself, or am I being tight?

how horrible of him

Sod the wallet indeed, wrap him up the empty iPhone box, there's hisa present to himself!

I am loving the idea of a wrapped iPhone box and free app.

He'll have to have a wrapped empty iPhone box next year as well, since the budget for Christmas is £100.

Paint a really tacky naked lazy cartoon on the inside of the lid for good measure.

Even if you class the iphone as his xmas present, the budget for xmas was £100 so he has still done pretty well hasn't he.

oo damsel i am now imagining his face when he opens it this year, and then a double that she remembered and did it next year too!!

sorry OP shouldn't be giggling!

Ok, so the issue is bigger than the wallet OP - I thought you might just be on different pages with money and how much of it to spend on treat-y things. If he is happy to spend hundreds on treats for himself (quite flippantly by the sounds of it) then what's good for the goose should be good for the gander. But telling you that money's too tight to go to an Xmas party is absolutely not on. You don't spend much by the sound of it, this is a treat for you that he should be pleased to pay for!

Is he controlling of your day-to-day spending?

My husband is the opposite, I have nicknamed him "Purse Strings" because he thinks £20 for a pair of shoes is about right (no chance), take away coffees are "luxuries", and who needs to buy a coat stand when you can just heap your dripping wet coat over the banister...

Surely there must be a happy medium out there, somewhere?

£20? eeee, lass get a grip.

Better idea- use the £100 to go to the party, tell him to consider his pressie half an I phone. Everyones happy!

Better to buy him the one present he really wants than loads of stuff he doesn't.

My DH is a big fan of Paul Smith too and although the stuff is expensive, there's loads of it on Ebay and it wears really well. Just don't buy it full price in a PS shop!

He's taken the phone back. I'm still cross but at least we aren't £200 out of pocket. The insurance company sent him an exact replacement phone today, instead of the money (didn't realise it wasn't already in the bank). He can have that phone, it was good enough for him before.

He doesn't control my spending, but then again last month I bought a top and jeans (£40) and that was the first time I had bought myself anything for months as I know we can't afford it. That's fine as I chose to return to college rather than work and we both knew money would be tight and agreed that was ok.

He's still not getting a posh wallet

Why can't he go back to earning what he usrd to earn though? He has lost skills? Can't he move to the area where the better paid work is that he used to earn?

If you have gone back to college then that will ensure you get good qualifications and can even perhaps out earn what he used to earn and spend the money as you choose. Money is o ften power and security and does help women.

I like the wallet its smart. Its also Paul Smith. I don't like the lady but I do like the smooth black leather and the purple undertones.

If that is what he wants then you should buy it simple as.

Buying a cheaper model will only see him not happy, not satisfied and it thrown in a drawer somewhere.

One train ticket isn't going to cost much

Xenia, that would mean moving to London which neither of us is prepared to do. The main reason is that we have a joint residency arrangement for DSD, if we moved we would have to either fight her Mum so she can come with us or abandon her. Both would be incredibly distressing for her. Also I know the hours DH used to work including a lot of business social occasions. We would never see each other and neither of us wants that.

5 - mmmm tempting

Xenia, I will never outearn him, I'm training to be a midwife, not a high earning profession but it's what I want to do.

Great, Now he is 'upset and frustrated' that I want him to keep the phone that the insurance company have sent him instead of what he has already done (without consulting me) and demanded that they send him the money instead. He apparently plans to use the cash plus £100 to but a smaller iPhone, oh and it was £300 not £200 extra before.

FFS this is going to end up in a massive argument where I give in and tell him to buy the bloody phone before he brings up the fact that I failed to stop smoking

Could you not become one of our leading Pediatricians instead or does female have to mean low paid? Or set up a nationwide home birth midwives group - I bet there is more demand than is being met particularly if you could get the insurance side sorted out.

If you did that you could buy him a new iphone every year with ease.

Ah just read the bit about the children. yes I have very strong views about parents staying near children after divorce; well you can run your countrywide private midwife service from home wherever you are.

Oh dear.

Okay he's being pretty unreasonable about all this, especially not telling you what's going on. But if he's willing to take that £100 extra as his christmas present as that was your christmas budget then that's actually okay I think.

If he's not, then that's really unfair.

Xenia, a long range plan is possibly training as a ob/gyn once I'm qualified as a MW, but for now with 4 DC under the age of 10 I'm going for the more achievable option. Private MWs still don't make a heck of a lot of money and TBH I work much better as part of a team.

Of course women should not be low earners, but I think that if they make choices as I have to have lots of DC (and then stay home with them for a while) then that tends to be what happens. My choices, my consequences

He has text saying that he has a solution, he'll be home within an hour, will update later...

Xenia it would take her 10-15 years to train as a Paed, and contrary to what one reads in the DM, they do not command telephone digit salaries.

Independent midwives, again, the work is patchy. You have a very small client base, and due to the variable nature of childbirth, can only plan for ~1 delivery a month. Not huge earning potential there either.

Hallelujah, DH has apologised about acting like a dick and all is sorted :) He has ordered a new phone that wont bankrupt us. I am going to the Xmas do and our budget for the DCs Christmas is intact.

Yay for a happy ending to the thread!!!

What about these wallets OP - all naked lady Paul Smith between £105 - £110

www.infinities.co.uk/accessories-c57/wallets-c64/paul-smith-accessories-naked-lady-billfold-wallet-p87850

www.infinities.co.uk/accessories-c57/wallets-c64/paul-smith-accessories-naked-lady-credit-card-wallet-p87854

i cant really comment on whether its right or wrong, i am spending £849 on a mini mac for dp which i shall be paying for for the next year. and all because i know he will love it and i cant wait to see his face when he opens it, but then i suppose thats what i think getting someone a gift is about, how much they are going to enjoy it and the vicarious enjoyment you will get by giving it to them, not the cost.