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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that DH needs to lower his expectations?

157 replies

MissIngaFewmarbles · 14/11/2011 09:43

Before we got together DH used to have a staggeringly well paid media job in London. When he and is ex split they both moved back home to be with their respective families and DH had to take a much lower paid job. Then he met me, I've never 'had money' IYSWIM. Between us we have 4 DC, he earns good money but it's still a bit tight every month.

Aaaaanyway, to the point, I asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he said he would like a new wallet, lovely I thought, I can find something really funky. Then he says that he only really wants a replacement Paul Smith one (they cost £140ish). This is higher than our usual budget for each other and TBH I just feel it's too expensive for a frigging wallet. AIBU to think he's still trying to live on his old salary and should get over himself, or am I being tight?

OP posts:

Original poster

MissIngaFewmarbles · 14/11/2011 11:54

Ah I see about the photo, but what I was planning on doing was sliding it into a slot which is at the back of the wallet so he would have to pull out the picture to see it, not stick it onto the front of the billfold, I wouldn't want to scare people

I will have a longer think about it (the Paul Smith monstrosity).

OP posts:

MollyTheMole · 14/11/2011 12:01

"its what he wants" "why shouldnt he get the thing he wants" yadda yadda

Erm, because its over the usual budget?

And I thought this was a grown man not a 5 year old?

ThingsThatGoFlumpInTheNight · 14/11/2011 12:02

Hmm well I am on the fence with this one. He's being a cheeky git if he knows it's over your usual budget - but if it's what he really wants then I would try to buy it at a bargain price (ie a knock-off or on ebay, TK Maxx, etc).

If it's as important to him as the right handbag is to me, I can't really slate him for it

MollyTheMole · 14/11/2011 12:04

A £30 wallet is a proper one as long as it holds bloody money and credit cards!!!

I must be missing something here.....

fluffy123 · 14/11/2011 12:07

Perhaps you could have a look around for a cheap replica Paul Smith wallet.

youtalkintome · 14/11/2011 12:09

molly not to him or he wouldn't have asked for it.

CherylWillBounceBack · 14/11/2011 12:11

It's a ludicrous wallet at a ludicrous price. Attempts to justify it by claiming it would work out to £15 a year or something - whilst that might be true of something with actual utility like a telly or a cooker - hold no relevance here. A £5 wallet will probably last just as long, and no-one would ever notice.

I love the idea of buying a £3 one and putting £137 in it just to make a point.

Original poster

MissIngaFewmarbles · 14/11/2011 12:15

Replicas are definitely not an option, he would know instantly and I would feel bad.

Listentome, spot on with that analysis, and I don't want him to feel like that. He makes huge sacrifices in his lifestyle (compared to what he was used to) to make sure that the DC and I have everything that we need and a lot of what we want.

OP posts:

BoffinMum · 14/11/2011 12:15

I would get him a good quality leather one with his initials on it instead. Much classier, if he cares about image.

BoffinMum · 14/11/2011 12:17

What's not to like?

CherylWillBounceBack · 14/11/2011 12:17

If these 'huge sacrifices in his lifestyle' are not being able to spunk silly amounts of money on a wallet, then he needs a reality check.

That sort of shite shouldn't be important.

ninedragons · 14/11/2011 12:19

The heart wants what the heart wants.

Completely irrelevant if 100% of Mumsnetters think it's a chavvy waste of money. Not one single person on here screeching about its being overpriced has ever bought themselves something for which a cheaper substitute was available?

You asked him what he wanted, he told you. Either get it for him or have a conversation about budgets.

ninedragons · 14/11/2011 12:20

And I'd feel pretty affronted if I asked for something specific, and DH chose a substitute on the grounds that he thought it was "classier".

Original poster

MissIngaFewmarbles · 14/11/2011 12:24

Cheryl, I think that's a little harsh. For someone who used to be able to go out and buy any (silly admittedly) item that he wanted, go out to dinner, weekends away, expensive gym etc etc, it is a big leap to where we are now. He never complains and he says he is happy, but occasionally he likes to have a small part of what he used to have all the time. I admit I struggle to understand it sometimes, never having had that lifestyle, hence the post about a ridiculous wallet.

Boffin, I'm loving the one with the purple inside, he'd adore that and it is a lot more grown up.

OP posts:

marriedinwhite · 14/11/2011 12:27

Shall we get this in perspective. I think it's really important to have the right sort of purse. Somewhere for coins, somewhere for notes, somewhere for cards, somewhere for receipts and not too big, not too small, nicely discreet. In 1998 (yes 1998) I had to buy a new one and searched high and low and it cost me £26.00 which I thought was a lot of money. In 2009 I got sick of the stud not working and the coins spilling into my handbag. Again I looked and looked and the only one I really liked was a Radley one. It was horribly expensive and at £49.00 I found it hard to justify but talked myself into it - the only one I've seen that is as practical is dd's which was £3 in Primark in 2005!

We are very very comfortable. I'm sorry but I think you and he need to get a little bit real here.

MollyTheMole · 14/11/2011 12:35

OP if you think that listentome is right that he will think "is this what my life has come to" if he doesnt get this £140 wallet then joking aside, he needs a kick up the arse.

HugosGoatee · 14/11/2011 12:37

Look, OP's budget is £100 so the wallet is £40 more than that - annoyingly more, but we're not comparing wallet tastes here. If he wants that as his main present, then OP should get it for him!

FWIW we usually spend about £200 on each other but have a budget of £50 this year. I found something I'd love to get DH, but he has his heart set on a watch which even second-hand will be about £200. I'm giving him £50 towards it, so are his parents. Bit annoying as our finances are joint, but he works hard, and if he has his heart set on something, I'm not about to say no and choose him something more to my taste he will be generous to me as usual, I can't think of anything yet I'd like but if I really wanted something like a watch or a wallet, he'd do what he could to get it for me.

Out of interest, do you have an income OP?

marriedinwhite · 14/11/2011 12:40

£200!!!! I got a Le Creuset casserole dish last year because I had burnt the old one - and I was pleased. DH got jim jams and slippers - oddly he wants a wallet this year and I am thinking about £35.00 .

SarahBumBarer · 14/11/2011 12:40

Well they are probably not important in the scheme of things Cheryl but he is not being asked to give up his child's health in exchange for a wallet is he?

He likes the wallet, it is really irrelevant if you don't OP and it is certainly irrelevant that a load of po faced critics on MN (about whose sartorial opinion neither you nor certainly your DH should give a damn about) dislike it.

The fact that it is beyond your agreed budget is an issue and you should discuss that and agree what to do about that - does he forgo a birthday present, should his parents chip in so that it comes from them too etc etc. As for the rest - it does not really matter that you will feel bad about him only getting one present - it is the present he wants and that bit is about what he wants not what you want.

And I agree with listentome.

Belmo · 14/11/2011 12:50

kladdkaka that wallet is fantastic, DP will be getting one in his stocking!
OP I quite like the idea of the photo! Even if you do go with the Paul Smith one, I think a cheeky photo of you inside would go down nicely

PigletJohn · 14/11/2011 13:01

My two cents worth:

I don't like it, but if that's the one he wants, don't get him something "similar but not as good." Definitely don't get him an ebay fake.

BTW I got a Paul Smith wallet in last year's post-Christmas sale at Debenhams, haven't used it though because DP gave me a different one of her own choosing and she would be hurt if I didn't use it until it was worn out.

I think the photo of you is a nice touch - maybe get it laminated? If he is not an absolute arse he will not make a habit of showing his mates your naked photo (although he might want to show off what a smasher he's got, give him a nice non-naked one for that).

I really like the idea that you tell him it's out of your budget and ask him to chip in the difference, then gift-wrap it for the big day and give him the silly christmas-pudding shaped slippers or whatever as well. IMO that's the best suggestion on here.

Then there are are two different questions: Shouldn't you have a budget and spend similar amounts on each other? (yes) and: Shouldn't you have a budget that you can reasonably afford and will not put you into debt on the cards or leave you short for real life? (yes)

Nesbo · 14/11/2011 13:28

OP do you think he disagrees with your assessment of the family finances? Different people have different ideas of what they feel comfortable with spending and how much they need in savings. You've agreed low budgets before but I wonder if he actually agreed that this was necessary, maybe he thinks it is over cautious? It might be worth talking about as you might both be looking at the same bank balance but feeling different things about it, so it is good to know where you are both coming from.

As for the wallet, of course it is a symbol more than anything else. Like most "designer" stuff, part of the attraction is feeling that you've reached a level of financial success where you don't have to worry about meeting basic needs, but can afford to spend more on something just because you like the way it looks.

I'm sure he wishes he could drop £700 on a Paul Smith suit but he knows that that is now out of reach for him. Instead he has chosen an item that he will carry with him every single day, and which he hopes will give some of that same feeling. it might look a bit shallow written down but it is hard to find anyone in first world countries who don't judge themselves to an extent by the things they are able to afford. This is why a cheap alternative is no substitute at all, as it loses all the symbolism.

CherylWillBounceBack · 14/11/2011 13:35

Sorry if you thought my comment was harsh OP. It's just that I don't get this sort of thing and never have.

I can go out and buy any admittedly silly item I want, but I don't because I don't need to. When I need something, I'll buy the item that suits the purpose I need it for the best. I don't see the sense in spending extra on it unless that extra money offers more value. I'd still do this if I had unlimited money too.

marriedinwhite · 14/11/2011 13:37

But what's important about the symolism except that we have been taken in by the marketing men. I can sort of see your point Nesbo but I don't get why if you can't afford all of it you need a bit of it.

CherylWillBounceBack · 14/11/2011 13:37

@Nesbo - I'd like to think I'm exactly that person who doesn't judge themself by what the can afford.

Maybe it's a weird thing - because I can afford anything I want, I don't want anything anymore.

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