to think that DH needs to lower his expectations?

[MissIngaFewmarbles]

Before we got together DH used to have a staggeringly well paid media job in London. When he and is ex split they both moved back home to be with their respective families and DH had to take a much lower paid job. Then he met me, I've never 'had money' IYSWIM. Between us we have 4 DC, he earns good money but it's still a bit tight every month.

Aaaaanyway, to the point, I asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he said he would like a new wallet, lovely I thought, I can find something really funky. Then he says that he only really wants a replacement Paul Smith one (they cost £140ish). This is higher than our usual budget for each other and TBH I just feel it's too expensive for a frigging wallet. AIBU to think he's still trying to live on his old salary and should get over himself, or am I being tight?

PigletJohn - and why would the pic need laminating?

so it doesn't get creased and scratched or worn out in the wallet.

Are you suggesting something improper?

How very dare you, I was just going to say laminating an already glossy pic seems to be a bit of a waste of electricity and plastic.

Im horrified that you would think I thought anything else

Cheryl, I'd like to think I was like that too, but I'd be kidding myself! I could look in my wardrobe or in my kitchen, or at pictures on my walls and see all sorts of things I could've bought cheaper. I'm sure I made a stab at justifying the more expensive purchases, but a lot of the time I just liked the look of them.

Most humans place some sort of aesthetic value on the things we have in our lives, some just put a higher value on it than others.

If you were buying a picture, would you buy a picture you like, or would any picture do the job?
If you are prepared to pay more for a picture you like the look of then you are placing a value on how something looks as well as how it performs. The principle applies to the wallet as well.

People are not rational, we are full of weird ideas and inconsistencies. A little taste of a symbol of luxury can give someone a bit of pleasure, even if they know in their heart it makes little sense.

For people who don't do this, I wonder what the extra money they earnd oes get spent on? A bigger or better house is still just another product I guess I tend to spend a lot on "experiences", visiting new countries etc but in the end I am just buying memories which are arguably even less tangible and a bigger waste of money than things!

Nesbo - I am exactly the same as you. For me it's a 'life's too short' thing - I'd rather be surrounded by nice things, have nice holidays and so on. We have a beautifully decorated house, and DH and I like nice clothes and nice food. My sister has a similar income to me but they put all extra money into their mortgage or savings, and scrimp and save on everything. They haven't been on holiday in years. Honestly, if you have money, spend it and enjoy it because you might get hit by a bus tomorrow.

The only caveat is if you're using spending to cover up unhappiness, or if you're getting into debt.

I guess a good partnership needs to be on the same page about how money should be handled. It sounds like OP and her DH are quite different if his idea of a treat is a Paul Smith wallet and she finds that a waste of money worth getting het up about.

You've hit the nail on the head nesbo.

My excesses tend to come in the form of experiences (I go on a hell of a lot of holidays) instead of physical items. To me it doesn't feel like a waste of money at all - I've learnt loads and indeed it's probably why I don't buy that much random stuff. It's much much easier to travel light and I kind of take that into other parts of life.

As for the question of would I buy a picture I like that cost more or any old picture....well I'd probably make the picture myself by blowing up a photo or buying a poster to fill the space. Yes, I still live like a student.

OP, I have re-read the thread, and been struck by something that never occurred right away....

you keep talking like your DH has given up his lavish lifestyle to be with you and your DCs. Your OP says he left his job and moved away from London before you met.

I am concerned that you seem to be bearing a degree of responsibility for his feelings of loss or sacrifice? He married you after he had already given up his dynamic earnings. He hasn't given anything up for you.

ok so i've just worked out that the cheeky bugger spent £200 upgrading his phone to an iPhone. Fuck the wallet

fuck the wallet indeed.

They think we are fucking stupid I'm sure.

matalan socks it is.

Thread update of the YEAR OP!!

pmsl@nagoo

erm, on the basis of this one thing I don't see the big deal- just tell him you can't afford it. If hes like that with everything then he probably does, but I don't think peopel appriciate how bloody hard it can be to go through a big financial life change. A bit of sensitivity would probably be appriciated.

I was going to say YABU as its a one off, he will keep it for years and treasure it.

Then I saw the picture of it, it is vile. YANBU

Was just reading the comments about laminating the photo but have been floored by this! Update of the year indeed.

am i missing something? the update about spending £200 on a phone? Update of the year? was there another?

So as well as wanting a specific PS wallet with a naked lady picture on it he also just had to have an Iphone, which meant a £200 loss in family money when I bet his previous phone was absolutely fine. I would be livid.

Imho the one question I would ask myself is:

how much difference will overstepping the budget actually make?

if it is a question of your feeling slightly annoyed but really you won't notice it that much, then by all means get him the tacky thing

if it is a question of the money having to come out of the dcs' present money because there is nowhere else to take it, then he will have to live without his tacky wallet

Have been in both these situations at different points and I really don't think we can pronounce without knowing which is yours.

Just to explain, his phone went missing, presumed stolen a couple of weeks back, he claimed on the insurance (fair enough) and then took the money plus £200 of ours and bought an iPhone 64gb. He's now saying that I can't go to the MN Xmas do as we're too broke. I am speechless with anger and have asked him to return the iPhone and buy a like for like of the one he lost.

Oh, and he has said he doesn't want a PS wallet now, apparently the appeal was that the pic of the naked lady was hidden behind all the slots on his old one, now it's at the front he thinks it's OTT, well that's good then

well obvioulsy he wants a specific wallet, thats what he asked for. Otherwise he would've just said "a wallet" and burst into tears on xmas morning when he opened a £3 primarni one, and more importantly we wouldn't even know about it.

spending your party money was v out of order though

"He's now saying that I can't go to the MN Xmas do as we're too broke"

He really is being a twat about this. What are you going to do?

Oh wow. He's being massively unreasonable!

You're supposed to cancel your plans because he just had to have an iphone? Oh no. No, no, no.

I am SO glad you didn't buy the wallet yet!

I was going to suggest if these expensive wallets are supposed to last so well, send his current one back pointing out that it hasn't lasted and get Paul Smith to send you a new one.

However having read the updates - sod him, don't bother.
Get him this - its free itunes.apple.com/gb/app/paul-smith/id385273181?mt=8